Kate Moss is a model who has made her living by prancing up and down various catwalks in vile overpriced garments.

She’s also a world leader when it comes to helping musicians record their worst material. Pete Doherty, The Lemonheads, Primal Scream – at one point or another, they’ve all decided that what their sound really needs is a flatly disinterested Croydon mew droning out of the left speaker.

Now that Kate Moss is with another rubbish indie frontman, That Tit From The Kills, she’s inspired a whole new album of wrongness. But it’s OK – she destroyed the only known recordings! Go Kate! You earned that Jaffa cake!

After realising that heroin and cats were more important to Pete Doherty than her, Kate Moss is now shacked up with Jamie Hince from The Kills. While Jamie Hince doesn’t get arrested every ten minutes like Pete Doherty, they do have something in common. The music of Babyshambles and the music of The Kills ain’t too great.

While Doherty seems to blab on about drug-induced confrontations with Mexican dancers and telephone poles, Hince just spouts out generic indie rubbish. There doesn’t seem to be any sort of real flare or bite to him. Quite likely because he is still over the moon that he’s been able to pull a model and not a girl from Camden who’d suck him off for a packet of chips.

During her time with Pete Doherty, Kate Moss didn’t destroy any of his stuff. Well, that we know of. He was already gone mentally. But Kate has done the world a favour by destroying the only known recordings of her current squeeze’s songs! Hooray! Now we won’t have to see The Kills give shit performances to backing tracks because they can’t recruit a drummer.

Will the world be a worse place without these songs? Only if your skinny jeans have cut off the circulation to your brain and the only thing you crave is twangless indie bilge. According to reports, the couple had a bit of a tiff on a weekend break, where they most definitely planted trees and didn’t get naked or anything. Digital Spy say:

“Kate Moss hurled the musician’s manbag, which contained a laptop, Blackberry and personal diary, into the water.”

Jesus, not his manbag. How’s the poor sod going to carry his various moisturiser and other unmanly things around? His pockets? Hince seemed a bit pissed off about this and supposedly:

“Jumped into the pool to rescue his possessions because the computer contained new songs for his band The Kills.”

So, dear reader, will you be able to sleep tonight? What will you do without having some tedious indie missing in your life for another six months or so? You could always mooch down the local indie club. Or you pray that the same thing happened to everyone else. Especially Razorlight.

You! Follow hecklerspray on Twitter!

Mmmm, nothing beats the food at Wormwood Scrubs.

Comfortable living facilities, a ready supply of pharmaceuticals and a quaint, gangland atmosphere make the place first choice for musicians on the downward spiral. It’s like the priory, but better!

If you don’t mind people stealing your chocolate pudding or being gutted with a fork, it’s a fine and friendly place, like Disneyland for petty gangsters. Solitary confinement can only be a laugh when you’ve got 12 personalities, a catalogue of wussy tunes and a lot of time to kill.

We think that only death could keep Pete Doherty out of prison. He clearly loves the jingle-jangle of jailhouse rock, maybe why he was charged with carrying class A drugs and driving drunk after his arrest in Switzerland three days ago. You can’t blame the guy for not having any sense, he spends most of his time listening to Joy Division in a parallel universe inspired by crack.

The Babyshambles singer was arrested in Gloucestershire last night for ‘driving erratically’ along with a 30-year-old woman, who was released without charge. He was remanded in custody and appeared before magistrates in Stroud this morning. He was scheduled to play at the Derby Rockhouse tonight, but the gig has since been cancelled.

A spokesman said:

“He’s been charged with dangerous driving, possession of Class A drugs, drink driving and driving without a valid license and insurance.”

Tempting as it is to rip into Pete, we’ll leave that to the rest of you celebrity cannibals. We’ve decided to fool you all with a rare moment of journalistic and moral integrity (here today, gone tomorrow) and briefly elevate ourselves above the other scum that share our trade.

Pete Doherty is a drug addict. He’s a laughable anti-social mess, lost to a world of hedonism, self-indulgence and chemical ecstasy, a poster-boy for humanity gone wrong.  But still, we laugh, glad that we aren’t him. Addicts can’t be people – they’re guilty sacks of walking flesh, victim to their own incurable weakness.

What’s sad is that nobody asks why. They look on at the neverending spectacle and beg for more while someone with genuine talent, vision and something to say pumps poison through their veins. We love it, we can’t get enough and soon we can’t live without it, that wonderful floating eye that allows us to pass judgement on socialites and fools. We are the addicts. Doherty may be a smackhead, but we are far, far worse, for our addiction is abuse.

Wormwood Scrubs may be the answer, at least behind those massive concrete walls no camera-wielding maniac can steal your likeness so others can frown and say we told you so.

You! Follow hecklerspray on Twitter!

The troubled poet – nay, genius – was found slumped on the toilet on a British Airways flight into Geneva on Friday, possibly as a result of his ferocious intellect finally managing to overwhelm him.

Either that or he was offering handjobs for crack money and got a bit tired from all the wrist action, so decided to settle down for a little nap.

The 30-year-old was simply believed to be a bit pissed, before staff on the flight discovered a hypodermic syringe on Doherty’s person – don’t worry though, we’re reliably informed it was “wrapped in tissue” and probably thrown on top of the nearest bin in a playground.

Just to be safe, natch.

A passenger on the flight threw this nugget of pure, unadulterated knowledge the way of the London Evening Standard:

“He went to the bathroom more than halfway into the flight. He had been in there for about 25 minutes when the announcement came for the crew to prepare for landing.

“They knocked on the door but Pete didn’t come out. They eventually managed to get in 10 minutes before the plane landed.”

It’s unclear whether the passenger added “it only took me five minutes to have a wank earlier in the flight – I’m well better than that skag-faced berk”, but we like to think he did.

It’s been a while since Pete Doherty has featured on the pages of hecklerspray, which can only be a good sign for the overrated trilby-twat. While we hoped it was a sign he’d got shot of the smack (a pun!), it would appear that these particular demons haven’t left the Babyshambles bellend.

Which is a shame, as it means we’ll probably have to cover him more in the coming months and years.

Doherty was not held following the incident, with la Police cantonale de Geneve instead deciding it was fine to re-inflict the slurring moron on the general public.

This is clearly a covert act of war by the Swiss, and we at hecklerspray will not stand for such clear violations of their hometown convention.

Rolling war news will replace regular services.

Now, someone from the education board has decided that Pete Doherty – yes Pete Doherty – should give a lecture on life and love.

We really don’t know what to say. Is this going to be a lesson to help students negotiate a good deal for a heroin wrap? It’s pretty much like asking a Catholic priest to take a music lesson so he can make them sing like angels with his special instrument.

As we all know, Pete Doherty is the man from Hexham in northern England who buggered down to London and became a makebelief cockney. Whilst he was in the semi successful band The Libertines he decided it would be better for his own career by breaking into his bandmate’s house to score drugs and consequently destroy the project.

Subsequently, the band Babyshambles was formed and, true to the last word in their name, they really were that.

After two albums with a different band, Doherty has decided to launch his own solo album which will no doubt turn GCSE literature students into orgasmic messes. We can’t wait to see what England’s wilted rose has to deliver. Because he’s basically known for heroin, being arrested, going to prison and going out with Kate Moss, we believe something like this will appear in a future song/book/message written in blood.

“As I pointed the shiny needle up towards my arm I took two steps back and thought… wow Kate what nice knockers you have. Can we go and sip tea down by the river and ride on the heartstrings of the Victorian carousel? Together we can be together against the bloodstained sunset.”

We know, we should be commissioned to write a bumper series of oldie worldy books, but we can’t be bothered. Honestly, we’d just get bored and just draw pictures of cocks and boobies on our notepads.

So, Pete Doherty has been asked to give a lecture on his life lessons on all things life and love. So where is this lecture being held? Is it in a fine educational establishment such as Oxford or Cambridge? No, it’s actually being held in Dublin.

Now before you make any sort of jokes involving the Irish and being to pissed to realise what they’ve booked, you’ve got to remember that previous speakers have included Oscar Wilde, Bram Stoker, Helen Mirren and John McCain.

We don’t know what get’s said at one of these fancy lectures, but if it’s what we think its going to be like, people like Helen Mirren will no doubt talk non-stop about Nazis and cocaine abuse. Everything a student needs to know.

You! Follow hecklerspray on Twitter!

And for the record, this is something he recorded for the fans to show them all his majestic pre-gig rituals.

Maybe it would drop below the ranking of something like ’supermodel massage artist who earns £500 a minute and is in constant demand’ or a hecklerspray employee, but all in all it’s a role that you certainly wouldn’t sniff at.

Though there would surely be some form of sniffing involved. And general inhaling. And breaking down of constituent ingredients into something more easily absorbed into the bloodstream. You get the idea.

But alas, for two people have been arrested on charges of being the beehived crooner’s personal suppliers. The licence to print money may be no more, it would seem.

Shock of all shocks, the news of the alleged dealers being arrested can be tracked back to the infamous video that everyone in the world knows far too much about – even the ones that don’t give two piece of caked-up shit.

The same video that everyone in the world wasn’t shocked about, nor did they care about. But it turns out that the police do care about it – not enough to charge young Amy, seemingly (though what they could do her for is up for debate) – but enough to track down the vagabonds that provided Winehouse with the naughty non-prescription drugs.

So it came to be that two (alleged) bad dudes, allegedly named John Blagrove and Cara Burton, have been charged with conspiracy to supply cocaine and MDMA (that’s as in Ecstasy and not a new, fashionable band, allegedly).

The alleged pair are allegedly set to have a court date at some point, alledgely meaning even more people that Amy allegedly knows could end up in the clink. If their alleged crimes end up being more than just allegations.

Which would mean that Amy Winehouse would be alone in the free world, save for… *shudder*… Pete fucking Doherty. Though there is always hope that someone will take incarcerated hubby Blake Fielder-Civil up on his offer and twot the whiny smackhead.

Which would leave Amy free to… we don’t know… have a music career again?

It would certainly be a novelty. Allegedly.

Twenty grand Blake?! Don’t be so fucking stupid. Hecklerspray will quite happily kick his drug-addled brain out for £3.50. And this includes the taxi fare and a quick sandwich from Lidl.

The Sun reports:

“He approached ex- bouncer Richard Lyttle, on remand for murder but since released without charge.”

Richard, 39, said:

“We were sitting in my cell and he said, ‘If you get Doherty for me I’ll give you £20,000.’ He kept saying, ‘Can you arrange it?’ and telling me to get some guys to his house. He knew the address. He said, ‘Amy’s obviously sleeping with him’.”

You really think Doherty can muster a hard on, Fielder-Civil? Do you? .

Look, at the very most he may have stuck a couple of fingers up there, perhaps a few baby mice. That’s all, mate. That’s all.

In other Doherty-related news, the singer has had a plaster cast of his body on a crucifix made, due to appear on stage with him when he plays a solo gig at the Albert Hall next month.

According to Nick Reynolds, the artist responsible for this really great idea, it symbolises Doherty’s crucifixion at the hands of the media.

Very clever. Really, bravo. Clap, clap, clap. Well done!

It is really quite great because, as you probably already know, the lives of Peter Doherty and Jesus of Nazareth do have many parallels:

-Jesus’ mum was called Mary; Pete Doherty briefly attended Queen Mary University in London.

-Jesus liked to help people and cure illness; Doherty is a big fan of smoking crack.

-People worship both of them for completely unintelligible reasons.

Coincidence?

First of all, who knew The Sun could be so bloody, bloody funny? Crack team! Sniff! Brilliant.

Daniel Kitson, Tony Law, Stewart Lee, John Hegley and Doug Stanhope combined couldn’t hope to come up with a single joke as original or brilliant.

And neither can we, so that’s why the rest of this article’s comedy will continue in a similar vein.

HA! Get it?! Vein! Drugs! Drugs go into veins and Pete Doherty likes drugs! In your face, Kitson!

So, where has all the money gone? Huh? Where? Where has it gone? Does anybody know?

We’re going to take a stab in the dark and suggest that perhaps maybe, just maybe, a little bit of it went here, a little bit there, and, perhaps most stupidly of all, quite a lot of it went on this.

We’re probably wrong though. Good luck crack team.

The same article claims that Babyshambles guitarist Mick Whitnall is planning to quit the band:

It says:

“(He) plans to quit the group for good because he has had enough of the travelling circus that surrounds Potty Pete. The axeman now intends to join AMY WINEHOUSE’s touring band.”

Good luck finding all your cash, Peter Doherty. We’ll toss you some pence next time we pass Tottenham Court Road tube station. If we have any left.

Specifically Amy Winehouse can move onto Pete Doherty – who’s a little bit violent, recovering from drug addiction and an ex-convict. Her parents must be so thrilled.

But don’t worry about a sexual union between Amy Winehouse and Pete Doherty, even though any offspring they’d have would probably look quite a lot like the mangled insect/Labrador thing from The Fly 2. Instead, Pete Doherty has expressed his desire to release a duet with Amy Winehouse. Which is worse, obviously, because at least they could lock their deformed babies in an attic or something.

Listen, let’s not kid ourselves – this was always going to happen. When Amy Winehouse got married, who did she pick as a husband? A man who couldn’t look more like a pre-cake Pete Doherty if he’d starred in a grotty Saw-style version of I Want A Famous Face, that’s who.

And don’t forget that Amy Winehouse and Pete Doherty share a common interest, too – amateur falconry. Oh, and taking all the drugs and being caught by newspapers taking drugs and being really hopeless at going to rehab to get off drugs. But mainly amateur falconry.

So when Amy Winehouse and Pete Doherty started hanging out, it was always going to result in either sex or a duet. Sex is out for several reasons, including a) Pete probably still has a lot of Bromide knocking around in his system from his recent prison sentence, b) Amy Winehouse has probably already done it with one of Babyshambles and if you ever sleep with more than one of Babyshambles you directly open a portal to hell, and c) ugh – who’d find Pete Doherty or Amy Winehouse even remotely sexy?

So a duet it is. And Pete Doherty seems serious about it, as Now reports:

Pete Doherty has revealed that he’s working on a new track with Amy Winehouse. Amy, 24, began writing with Pete’s Babyshambles bandmate Mick Whitnall, 39, while he was behind bars. ‘Mick and Amy have a great relationship,’ Pete, 29, tells the Daily Star. ‘They have been working on material while I was in prison. When I came out I went straight to the recording studio. I just want to get music going. I have always wanted to do a single with Amy. She is just so talented.’

You know what, why stop there? Although a duet between a man who sings like a tramp crying into a dustbin and a woman who isn’t even capable of singing a James Bond theme-tune over several recording sessions sounds like just the thing to kickstart the ailing music industry back into life, what about all the other drug addict singers?

That’s why we propose that Pete Doherty and Amy Winehouse team up with other famous drug-aquainted stars like Courtney Love, George Michael, Whitney Houston, Moonboy from Keane and Kerry Katona to record a We Are The World-style charity megahit, entitled something like but not necessarily Do They Know It’s Christmas (We Don’t Because We’re Lying Face Down In A Puddle Of Our Combined Vomit And/Or Fecal Matter).

Read more:

Pete Doherty: I’m working on a duet with Amy Winehouse – Now

Released less than a month into his 14-week jail sentence, Pete Doherty is now a free man once again, much like Ronnie Barker from Going Straight except a bit less funny and/or dead.

Still, even 29 days in jail is long enough for someone to become institutionalised, which means in the next few days you might see pictures of Pete Doherty stumbling around looking a bit confused and unwashed. Don’t worry if you do – it means he’s completely back to normal. Thanks folks, we’re here all week.

By our understanding, Pete Doherty being sent to jail for 14 weeks meant that he’d be released on July 15. But Pete Doherty has been released and it’s not anywhere near July 15 yet. It had better not be, anyway, because if it was, that’d make tomorrow St Gondulphus’ day, and we haven’t even started making our traditional anti-Gondulphus hate banner yet. Talk about an oversight!

But anyway, back to Pete Doherty. You might not have realised it, since the dreary trickle of stories about him hasn’t dried up at all, but Pete Doherty has been in jail for the last 29 days. And this morning he was released, a full 70 days earlier than he was supposed to.

Nobody really knows why Pete Doherty got such an early release from prison – although hopefully it was because wardens caught him writing more rubbish prison poetry and chucked him out before he had enough to turn it into an actual book – but Pete knows one thing, and that’s he’s not having any of this jail cell heroin addiction talk. The NME quotes:

“I managed to stay clean. I got my certificate. I was going to Sellotape it to the wall, but they wouldn’t give me any Sellotape. Did I take heroin inside? Complete rubbish. The prison didn’t release statements – it’s their policy to ignore it rather than acknowledge it [media reports]. I was in segregation for the last three weeks. The call it the block. Supposedly I was in debt to loads of big time drug dealers. All I’ll say to that is: chance would be a fine thing.”

And if Pete Doherty didn’t take any heroin in jail, perhaps we can effectively rule out any other stereotypical prison behaviour from his as well. Maybe Pete didn’t get any tattoos, maybe he didn’t nurture an injured bird back to health, maybe he wasn’t anally brutalised in a washroom at any point, and maybe he didn’t learn his lesson and vow never to reoffend ever again. Who knows?

All that we can be sure of is that Pete Doherty is a free man, and he’d be wise to use this extra time to get his life back in order as quickly as possible. Unless or course that involves making a new album or singing in public again. If that’s the case, maybe he should consider getting back into a self-destructive spiral of drug abuse or something instead.

Read more:

Pete Doherty: ‘I stayed clean in prison’ - NME

So it’s weird that, since Pete Doherty went to prison a couple of weeks ago, we’ve heard far more about him than when he was a free man. Namely, we’ve heard an awful lot about how Pete Doherty has somehow managed to track down a load of heroin in prison and stick it all up his bum, or whatever it is you’re supposed to do with heroin.

But it turns out that these heroin stories were all giant lies, because Pete Doherty is completely free of drugs. We know this because Pete Doherty said so himself in a barely-legible note to a woman we’ve never heard of. And, as we’ve always said, you can put scrawled notes by convicted drug addicts in the bank.

Having seen several episodes of Porridge, we think we’ve got a pretty decent idea of what Pete Doherty’s life is like in prison. We’d imagine that hardly a day passes without an amusing scrape with the sergeant-majorish wardens or a hilarious investigative search into which lag nicked his tin of pineapple chunks. Either that or he’s got himself addicted to heroin again to try and numb the fear that a violent institutionalised prisoner will corner him in the yard and stab him in the kidneys. One or the other.

But wait! Just because Pete Doherty is perhaps the country’s most notorious heroin addict and he’s constantly getting arrested with drugs in his possession and he’s gone to prison because countless efforts to get him off drugs – including stints at British rehabs and Thai rehabs and having painful implants inserted into his stomach – have failed and most of his songs are about how delicious he thinks all drugs are and we get the impression that he’d lick a monkey’s bumhole if someone told him it was addictive and illegal enough, it doesn’t mean that Pete Doherty is actually taking heroin.

However, according to newspaper reports last week, Pete Doherty is indeed back on the heroin. The irony that Pete Doherty has become addicted to heroin again in the exact place where he’s supposed to be punished for being addicted to heroin isn’t lost on us, and if we had any feelings about Pete Doherty at all we’re sure this news would make us quite sad.

Actually, no it wouldn’t. It wouldn’t make us sad because Pete Doherty isn’t on heroin at all. He says so himself, as the NME reports:

A British tabloid newspaper had claimed that Pete Doherty was taking the drug in jail. However, Doherty has since sent a letter to a fan disputing the reports. Replying to a letter from a fan and NME reader, Jenny, Doherty wrote: “Watcha Jenny! All the best from The Scrubs. Tell ‘em I’m clean [i.e. not on drugs], countin’ the days until the next freedom gig! Yours, Pete D.”

Oh god, it’s worse than we thought – Pete Doherty appears to have replaced his addiction to heroin with an addiction to a zany over-reliance on exclamation marks. We’re not sure which one is worse, but the exclamation mark thing historically leads to harder misuses of language. Sure, at first you think you can control the exclamation marks, but then not even ending sentences with multiple exclamation marks gives you the thrill of that first hit. So you start peppering your writing with the term ‘lol’. And then, as we all know, you’re effed.

Anyway, the point is that Pete Doherty says he isn’t on heroin, and there’s no reason why we shouldn’t believe him. Well, no reason other than all the other times he’s pretended to have kicked drugs, but what’s a little thing like that between friends?

Read more:

Pete Doherty in jail: ‘I’m not on drugs’ – NME

Before he was jailed, we thought that Pete Doherty had kicked the drugs. His ballooning weight suggested that he’d either got his appetite back or he’d found a brand-new drug that was mostly made of congealed chip fat. Either way, Pete Doherty was off the drugs and it was a relief.

Except he wasn’t – according to reports, Pete Doherty is back taking all the heroin he can get his hands on in prison. That’s a report that comes from a prisoner, so it must be true, because everyone knows that prisoners are the nicest, most honest group of people in the world.

Prison, they say, changes a man. Not just physically – although you’d be a fool to turn down the offer of having a shaky amateurish tattoo drawn on you by a mentally-suspect rapist – but mentally, too. Look at Pete Doherty.

Before Pete Doherty went to jail for the first time in 2003, he was a wide-eyed innocent who’d never dream of doing anything unless it involved taking drugs or breaking into his bandmate’s flat and stealing loads of stuff. But afterwards? Well, afterwards Pete Doherty was pretty much exactly the same but with a shit book of prison poetry with him.

And now Pete Doherty’s in prison again, so we can expect to see a similar change at the end of his 14-week sentence. And this time, if reports are to be believed, it’s be a change from a chubby methadone addict to a full-blown heroin addict. You know, just like the good old days. The Press Association reports:

Photographs have been taken of singer Pete Doherty in his prison cell amid claims that the 29-year-old has been taking heroin in jail. Doherty is serving a 14-week sentence in the detox unit at Wormwood Scrubs. Pictures of the singer in prison taken on a mobile phone were published in The Sun. The newspaper claims that despite being given heroin substitute methadone, Doherty is also taking the real thing while in jail. A Prison Service spokesman told the newspaper: “We will act on any intelligence which indicates drugs are being smuggled or abused.”

Although it’s sort of sad that prison has instantly undone whatever slight progress Pete Doherty was making in his efforts to kick drugs, there’s also a silver lining to all this – last time Pete Doherty was a full-blown heroin addict he had a millionaire supermodel girlfriend, and since he quit he hasn’t. So maybe if he keeps taking heroin then more pretty girls with sharp cheekbones and eating disorders will want to sleep with him again. We think that’s how it works.

But don’t get too excited about Pete Doherty’s alleged resumed drug-taking activity – let’s not forget that he’s working on a new album in jail too. And if Pete really is back on the heroin, then we’re sure that album will turn out to be a mumbled directionless mess that nobody would dream of listening to more than once.

So business as usual, then.

Read more:

Jailed Pete Doherty ‘taking heroin’ – Press Association

With P-Doh locked away, we reasoned, surely this would see a brief end to his staggeringly bad musical output? Hell: at least it’d be a long enough hiatus to ensure his fans became obsessed with something more entertaining – like watching a puppy slowly suffocate or listening to the mechanical vibrations of the Phillips X300 Bathroom Extractor Fan (man, when that third whirr cycle kicks in, it’s just awesome).

Alas, it was not to be. In a statement that has devastated the ear-owning community, Doherty has decided that prison life won’t stop him churning out his sixth-form garbage. Mind you, seeing as prisons are essentially rife with drug abuse, violent assault and general hopelessness and despair, a couple of new Babyshambles tracks might make the ideal soundtrack.

Standing by their frontman, the other members of Babyshambles have announced their plans:

“We will send Pete the first nine burns (recordings) so he can work on them in there. It will give him something to keep him occupied, keep him focused and remind him that outside we’re all holding the fort for him. And also that as soon as he gets out it will be business as usual.”

Not only that – it’ll give him a fantastic defence mechanism while he’s inside. Let’s face it: if a crack-addled convict with a flick-knife was charging at you, what better method of deterrence would there be than to flash the cover of Shotter’s Nation and yell ‘one step closer and I stick this on the stereo, motherfucker‘?

You’d be like John Gotti in no time.

Read More:

PETE DOHERTY – DOHERTY TO WORK ON NEW ALBUM FROM JAIL – Contactmusic

Pete has been up locked in solitary confinement, but it’s only for 14 weeks. However, there are some benefits to this. The London police force will have 48 less Pete Doherty drug arrests to make and we won’t have to write any stories about him for a while.

Well that’s a bit of a lie. Pete Doherty hasn’t been released ridiculously early from prison. Yet. And we’re still writing stories on him. Not because we care about his prison plight, but purely because the Free Pete Doherty! Facebook group is up and running, and aiming to release the stupid twat. And stopping us from writing stories on important things. Like Lindsay Lohan’s career falling to bits.

Comprising of English Literature students, girls who own a pair of soiled Pete Doherty pants and people who haven’t discovered proper music yet, the Free Pete Doherty movement is gathering momentum. At the time of writing, the group has 202 members. This somewhat asks the question, do all these 202 people go out and buy multiple copies of his books and records?

If anything it’s the perfect chance for the other members of Babyshambles to actually acknowledge themselves to the world. For years, they’ve been shunned in to the background as every tabloid battles to get another Pete Doherty drugs exclusive story. For God’s sake, Brian May had to wait till Freddie Mercury died of the old AIDS before people gave a toss about him. Previously, he was just known as the bloke with stupid hair who bottled doing his degree.

The manifesto of the group is listed below. And yes, apparently it is genuine:

“Okay, he’s no angel. But does is a 14 week prison sentence really justified for a self-harming poet? I think not… Your views (good and bad) are welcome below. All comments will be passed on to The Crown Prosecution Service, Parlophone Records and any news websites that cover the story. Rally behind this group and show your support!”

1 – Yup, no angel is right. We prefer the term ’stupid obnoxious cunt.’

2 – No, 14 weeks is not justifiable. If anything, he deserves a little bit more time. Definitely not for all the times he’s been caught with every drug ever created.

3 – Self harming poet? We definitely believe there are no drugs available in prison and previous attempts at stopping to take drugs have only failed because they accidentally fell in to his arm.

Our favourite comment so far comes from someone called Gary who says:

“Fuck right off!! He’s a smelly gormless drug riddled prick who’s been laughing in the face of the law for yonks. I’ve got more talent in my left nut than he has in his whole body. Good luck in the showers Pete.”

You’re our kinda guy, Gary. We’ll keep a keyboard warm for you.

Read more:

The Free Pete Doherty Facebook Group

However, that's a list which will have to be revised now, because Pete Doherty has just started a 14-week jail sentence for breaching his probation with bad timekeeping, missed appointments and the continued use of various drugs. And thanks to this prison sentence, Pete Doherty has had to cancel an upcoming concert at the Albert Hall.

Wait a minute, Pete Doherty takes drugs? Crikey, that's news to us. They'll be telling us that Amy Winehouse smokes crack next.

Hey you! Couldn't get enough of Pete Doherty's first prison diary? Really? You couldn't? Well then, you obnoxious pseudo-intellectual Wilfred Owen-quoting dipshit, this is your lucky day – Pete Doherty is probably hard at work on his second volume right now. Either that or he's being harrowingly sodomised by a mentally unwell arsonist in a laundry room.

That's right – we thought it'd never happen, but Pete Doherty is finally in jail. It's taken a while, we'll admit, but he's finally there. You'll remember that recently Pete Doherty has avoided jail for crimes such as kicking a photographer and having all the drugs on him and having all the drugs on him again, but this time Pete Doherty went too far.

This time Pete Doherty missed an appointment with a parole officer. There's no excuse for shoddy timekeeping, even when you're a chubby busker. Hanging's too good for him. Anyway – long story short- Pete Doherty gets to spend the next 14 weeks in chokey, as The Times reports:

"Pete Doherty spent the night in Wormwood Scrubs last night at the start of a 14-week sentence for breaching a probation order… Yesterday he was sentenced at West London Magistrates’ Court in front of District Judge Davinder Lachhar. The judge said that the singer was to be punished for his breach of time-keeping, non-compliance of his order (missing appointments with probation officers) and using different drugs." 

However, anyone with even a passing interest in celebrity jail sentences knows that 14 weeks doesn't mean 14 weeks – Pete Doherty will be released after seven, possibly even four, weeks. Which means that Pete Doherty's Glastonbury performance will be just like a great big prison release party for him, except that it won't be characterised by his mother sobbing in a corner and muttering about what a bitter disappointment he is throughout it.

Usually at this point we'd say how prison might be a good thing for Pete Doherty, providing him with the harsh reality that there are repercussions to his actions. But we're not going to bother, because at best the only thing that Pete Doherty will gain from his time in prison is a few more archaic prison slang terms for him to pepper his awful songs with.

Of course, it's the trilby makers we feel sorry for – first Blake Civil-Fielder gets locked up and now Pete Doherty. They're the trilby manufacturing industry's two biggest customers. It'll be a lean few weeks on the horizon for the hat people, that's for sure.

Read more:

Singer Pete Doherty jailed for 14 weeks - Times