Foetid, seeping, singing pus-sac – Pete Doherty – has had his stinkin’ behind hauled into jail after being a complete waste of everybody’s time and energy. Of course, this cements his place as an artistic-martyr to the scum that follow this godforsaken warbler, all now destined to write awful poetry in their mildew riddled hovels.
That’s right folks! The Bedsore Bard has been hoiked out of civilisation toward the nearest clink where he can be beaten up for cigarettes and used as some kind of full-body masturbation tool for randy hooligans!
And all because he really likes having drugs about his person, despite the fact that the police are constantly tapping him on the shoulder for a quiet word. Will his 9 GCSE’s save him now?!
Doherty has been jailed for six months after pleading guilty to cocaine possession. Accusations of having the general odour like the breath like an aged Alsatian with hellish gum-disease after licking faecal spattered batteries go unconvicted.
Of course, this all comes on the back of a bunch of other arrests, this one relating to the investigation of the death of heiress Robyn Whitehead.
Fans of the singer, who as we all know, are the most appalling humans on the planet all skinning up in their grim holes and smelling of Super Noodles, will be making comparisons to Oscar Wilde, who was also an amazingly irritating penis prone to cod-poetry.
Doherty didn’t show any emotion when the verdict was read out at Snaresbrook Crown Court. It is widely accepted that, thanks to years of drug abuse, he’s actually incapable of displaying anything at all. Rumour has it that Doherty is barely able to keep his underpants skid-free.
Judge David Radford said he had an “appalling record” of committing offences, report the Press Association.
And so, thanks to Doherty being shipped off to jail in the middle of a tour of the UK and Ireland, all gigs have been cancelled.
Apart from the one where he’s singing like a bird to the screws.
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Kirsten says
try spelling his fucking name right. and they haven’t been cancelled, they are rescheduled. and he has 11 gcses not 9.
Smith says
The person who wrote this is a twat. How can you laugh at someone being sent to prison for his addictions. Grow Up!
K says
Having read several of your articles, I think it’s safe to say I forgot to laugh at anything you’ve written thus far.
I’m well aware this is one of those websites where the ‘columnists’ try to be anything but glorified bloggers, who confuse their irritating rambling for actual humour.
Be that as it may, insulting Peter Doherty AND Oscar Wilde? Really? Coming from a person who has about as much writing credibility and notable talent as Perez Hilton? It’s almost laughable. Almost.
Then I remember that [unlike Oscar Wilde] after your death, your presence will be as forgotten as the articles you’ve written… and that makes me laugh instead.
Cookie Monster says
“I