Anyone who calls Michael Jackson a normal person can’t have seen the same newspaper reports and documentaries as us.

As we all know and appreciate, every single middle-aged man climbs trees to find inspiration and dangles kids from balconies for giggles.

A few weeks ago, KFC’s sales skyrocketed thanks to Magic Johnston’s memorial speech about the time he and Michael shared some chicken during. We’ve since discovered that food artist Norma “Duffy” Lyon wants to sculpt the ex King of Pop out of butter. No-one knows if Michael Jackson loved butter that much, but it doesn’t matter. The soulless killjoys known as PETA have put a stop to it.

Despite not being overly clued up in the trade of building, we have spotted a flaw in sculpting things out of butter. Unlike bricks, butter doesn’t last very long in the heat. Or in the rain. Or if you try to chew it. Maybe all the houses in Iowa – prospective home of the Michael Jackson butter statue – are made out of butter. Perhaps all the residents are just a bit retarded.

For whatever reason, Norma “Duffy” Lyon has been carving all sorts of things out of butter since 1960. Cows, Elvis and angry man Elton John have all been cast in something that is best spread between two slices of bread. With the recent death of Michael Jackson, it seemed a fitting tribute to create the star out of butter. He’d have had three skin colours altogether as a result – black, white and a creamy yellow.

Butter, as a general rule, is pretty inoffensive. It doesn’t shout at you, interfere with other products in your fridge or try to rape you. However, the miserable twats at PETA got a bit boo-hoo at the thought of a poor cow’s milk being used for evil. If they had it their way, they’d employ 100,000 lactating women to fire out breast milk to replace good old cow’s milk. Or men’s ejaculate.

PETA’s executive vice president Tracy Reiman promptly sent off a letter after choking on a lettuce leaf to the Iowa State Fair’s CEO. She asked that the apparently offensive tradition of butter sculpting be scrapped and instead replaced with a non-dairy substitute instead. We assume they suggested cow shit due to it being a naturally occurring product from cows and a meal that all dejected vegans love to feast on.

As a result, the people running the Iowa state fair issued the following statement on its website:

“Conservatives and traditionalists find themselves opposed to Jackson’s depiction in butter. The allegations of paedophilia and blatant bizarre behaviour are simply too much for them. Then we have PETA, which often goes to the extreme left to make its point. Both factions are likely voting as fast as they can to keep Jackson out of the exhibit for different reasons.”

And vote they bloody well did, in fact they did in their thousands. The LA Times reports:

“About 100,000 votes were cast (no word on how many individual voters that represents, since one assumes those with strong feelings may have voted multiple times in what the fair’s own statement called an unscientific poll), and about 65% of them said no way to Butter Jackson.”

Screw you PETA for ruining a tradition that no-one really cares about. What’s net on your agenda? Randomly rescuing polar bears from the melting ice-caps so they don’t go homeless? Or how about brainwashing tramps to see everything your green and leafy way?

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Audrina Partridge loves animals – her surname is a type of animal, plus she stars in The Hills and some animals live on hills.

But Audrina Partidge does love animals. And, as a reality television star, Audrina Partridge is also the sort of person who’d probably massacre her family if it meant she’d get a headline from it. So combine the love of animals and the compulsive attention-seeking and what do you get? That’s right – a new PETA campaign where Audrina Partridge gets to strip.

Not strip naked, mind you. In that respect, Audrina Partridge thinks that animals can piss off.

Think PETA and what comes to mind? No, not the sight of Mickey Rourke ordering you to tear the gonads off your household pets with your bare fists, because that’s weird. No, what comes to mind is the slogan ‘I’d rather go naked than wear fur’.

It’s been a fairly successful slogan – as well as allowing us to see what several on-the-wane female celebrities look like nude, it’s also the only way you can see Kardashian flesh without possessing a subscription to an adult website or an incredibly unresponsive gag reflex. But it’s time that the slogan got retired. Because ‘I’d rather go naked than wear fur’ is good, but ‘I’d rather wear my pants and a bra and an impractically large set of feathered wings than do something nonspecific about petshops or something’ is great.

And that’s why Audrina Partridge from The Hills can now be seen on a PETA poster holding a dog while dressed like the sort of slutty angel who’d probably suck you off if you told her that you preferred her to Heidi Montag. We’ll let MTV explain the technicalities:

The Peta ad is urging people to adopt animals rather than buy them. Audrina said: “I wanted to get involved with PETA because I’ve always been passionate about animals, and I think this is a great way to make people and all my fans aware of all the animals that need a home.” She added: “you should adopt, so go to an animal shelter and rescue a dog.”

It does sort of make sense, we’ll admit. But ultimately the PETA campaign is flawed, and here’s why – although being told to rescue rather than buy a dog is good advice, being told to rescue rather than buy a dog by one of the stars of The Hills is terrible advice. Everyone knows that the best way to get through life is by doing the exact opposite to what anyone from The Hills does. So, with that in mind, we’ve just bought 15 dogs from an online petshop. Don’t worry, we gave them a false address. We hate animals.

What’s the moral of all this? God knows, but we suspect it’s something like ‘Audrina Partridge won’t get naked for the sake of animal cruelty, but she will get naked for a handful of grubby coins and an insincere promise of fame from a sleazy photographer’. Or whatever.

Incidentally, anyone worried that all the feathers on Audrina Partridge’s massive set of angel wings sits awkwardly with PETA’s pro-animal agenda should relax. Apparently all the birds that were killed and plucked for the poster had been caught eating meat by PETA activists, and therefore had to die. Probably.

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Wacko Jacko is under fire after the European wing of PETA threw an ethical bomb at his 50-date O2 extravaganza.

His extensive residence at London’s O2 Arena, starting July 8th, is reported to be ‘jungle-themed’ and will feature an African elephant, processions of panthers, parrots, wild birds and Masai warriors… but thankfully, no children are involved.

People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals choked on their tofu salads when they caught wind of Jacko’s plans and responded immediately with pleading letters, bags of flour and a resurrected report of the star’s sordid past with the animal kingdom.

“These animals belong in Africa, not the O2 Arena among screaming fans, bright lights and stage explosions,” said PETA in a statement to NME.com. “They are deprived of everything that is natural and important to them when they are forced to perform under stressful conditions. Michael needs to learn to leave exotic animals alone.”

The onslaught continued as PETA reiterated their 2008 investigation of the animal outcasts from Neverland Ranch, the star’s former residence. The organisation tracked the private sale of four Jackson giraffes to a couple in Arizona who planned to open a zoo. According to their findings, the animals had been kept in ‘temporary’ enclosures measuring 15 by 15 feet, while one, named Princess, had bled for five days after giving birth to a stillborn calf. Other members of Jacko’s animal family such as Bubbles the Monkey, were reported to have been sold off to animal trainers in Hollywood.

In a letter published yesterday, PETA’s UK director, Robbie LeBlanc, urged the CEO of entertainment giant AEG Europe to prohibit the use of wild animals at Jackson’s concert. Detailed examples were given on the King of Pop’s flagrant disregard for animal welfare, cruel training methods involving bull hooks and electric prods plus a reference to US show Siegfried & Roy where one of the hosts was mauled by a tiger in Las Vegas, 2003. He wrote:

“The plan to use animals in his concerts would be blatantly cruel and potentially, a disaster waiting to happen. The fact that Jackson’s shows sold out instantly is proof that all the star needs to do to thrill his fans is simply show up.”

The prospect of an already hideous O2 arena being fashioned after the sick and narcissist fantasies of Michael Jackson is poisonous food for thought. Despite PETA’s well-earned reputation as feminine vegan fascists, one tends to agree with them when confronted by Jackson’s general history as an abuser of animals and other life-forms. 1,200 speakers, stage lights and 20,000 screaming fans over 50 days just might be a little bit much, Michael.

Mind that your birthday doesn’t turn into the world’s most extravagant performance of Animal Farm.

[story by Alex de Moller]

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You can flavour the vegetarian delight with whatever you want, but until it spurts blood we shall remain largely uninterested!

Did you hear that, PETA? We don’t want your stupid tofu! We don’t want it if it’s turkey flavored, or if its beef flavored, or if its flavored to taste exactly like George Clooney’s sweaty, used gym towel!

The latter, apparently, is genuinely on PETA’s drawing board, even as we speak.

If PETA has its way, then by the time next Thanksgiving rolls around one of the Olsen twins will turn the other into a skinned jacket. Also, come supper time, you and yours will enjoy a hot slab of George Clooney with a side of potatoes – both covered generously in brown water poured from a gravy boat.

What’s that? You’re confused? Well let us elaborate, at least on that second half – PETA recently got their hands on a sweaty towel that Clooney swabbed off with in a gym. Said towel still glistens with the actor’s sweat if you hold it up to the light just so. The beauty is most apparent with the morning’s first rays. That’s what we heard.

And do you know what PETA’s first thought was when they realized such a grand item was in their possession? Apparently – they wanted to know what it tasted like.   As the Washington Post puts it:

“In a letter sent to the actor, Newkirk [PETA's mighty leader] said that PETA has been offered his gym towel… and wants to use his sweat to create Clooney tofu that will “spare animals from being killed for the table.” She went on to explain that the science is pretty simple, like “making artificial chicken flavor for instant gravy.”

“Newkirk, a big fan of Clooney, told us yesterday that the towel was offered by a PETA supporter with the idea of auctioning it off, but she immediately thought of using his perspiration for bean curd: “I thought, ‘What would make tofu more attractive to people?’ … I can see people having parties to try CloFu.”"

So the basic hope then, as far as we understand it, is that if people enjoy the taste of George Clooney enough, they may never go back to eating other meats again. Well that just spells trouble on so many different levels. Think of what pains ol’ George could find himself in if all the chubby women and gays who clip out all of his news articles actually acquired a taste for his salty flesh.

Sounds like a Tivo-worthy ending to a True Hollywood Story.

Reportedly, Clooney would be fine with all this so long as he gets some sort of a producer credit printed on the can. He didn’t say that, what he did say was this:

“As a mammal, I’m offended.”

If the plan moves forward, and hopefully it will, this could lead to a whole line of deliciously themed products. There’s George Clooney-flavored potato chips, George Clooney-flavored jerky, and for the kids – little gummi candies shaped like his woo-woo.

You read that right – we called it a woo-woo.

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But just to make really sure, PETA has decided to go out of its way to put people off the Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show by hanging around outside in full Ku Klux Klan garb – a stunt that’s still 18 times less offensive than when Sadie Frost got two centimetres of bumcrack out for them.

Why is a celebrity gossip website telling you about this? Because, if you think about it, dogs are like fluffy little celebrities, aren’t they? Also, bum-all else has happened today.

What we like best about animal rights group PETA – apart from the fact that if you put a piece of popcorn chicken on your tongue in front of one of its members, they’re guaranteed to fall to the ground clutching their chest and hyperventilating like you’re eating their own children – is that it never stops thinking up new ways to scare the masses into becoming life-long wan-looking joyless vegans.

In recent memory, PETA has tried the I’d Rather Go Naked Than Wear Fur campaign, the I’d Rather Go Naked And Grow A Silly Haircut Than Wear Fur campaign, the OK OK I Won’t Wear Fur Just Please Don’t Let Paul McCartney Get Naked campaign and the weird campaign about Mickey Rourke glowering at dogs’ testicles until they fall off.

But PETA’s last trick – trying to turn the world vegetarian with an advert about a woman rubbing a bit of broccoli over her face in a sexy way – failed when censors apparently banned it from TV. So, fine, PETA needed to scale back and do something less likely to offend for its next stunt.

Which is why it’s currently standing outside the Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show dressed up like KKK grand imperial wizards. Obviously. USA Today reports:

Their goal was to draw a parallel between the KKK and the American Kennel Club. “Obviously it’s an uncomfortable comparison,” PETA spokesman Michael McGraw told the Associated Press. But the AKC is trying to create a “master race” when it comes to pure-bred dogs, he added. “It’s a very apt comparison.” The group passed out brochures implying the Klan and AKC have the goal of “pure bloodlines” in common.

It’s a sort-of valid argument – this year the BBC isn’t even broadcasting Crufts because of fears that institutionalised inbreeding in pedigree dogs is creating generation after generation of increasingly warped and ill animals – but, hey, dressing up as well-known group of racists like the KKK to get the point across? Really smart, PETA. Why not just go the whole hog next time and let Miley Cyrus do a campaign?

But it’s not just the transparently attention-seeking shock tactics of PETA that’s got our goat – it’s the lack of long-term thinking on display. What do KKK outfits most look like? That’s right – great big mansized white dog turds. And who loves big dog turds more than anyone else? That’s right – dog lovers! If anything, PETA is creating a huge moving advert for the Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show. Silly PETA. You fail again.

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But one group that’s not excited about the Super Bowl is PETA. PETA is apparently frothing and spluttering because its Super Bowl advert – which pretty much features models diddling themselves with broccoli – has been banned for being too sexually explicit. Which is just about the most shameless marketing trick in the book.

Incidentally, hecklerspray’s Super Bowl advert has been banned, too. It features a homeless man having full non-consensual sex with goose while he kicks 100 burning orphans in the eye. We’re OUTRAGED!

It takes a lot to offend whoever approves the content of Super Bowl adverts – in recent years we’ve seen a homesexual kiss and, most gruesomely of all, Kevin Federline rapping – but, darn it, PETA seems to have pulled it off.

Not that PETA being offensive is a huge surprise or anything – wheeling out appallingly gruesome marketing stunts like dumping horseshit outside Gordon Ramsay’s restaurant or threatening to show everyone what Sadie Frost’s mangled tits look like or starting a dog-neutering campaign ironically fronted by a man whose face looks exactly like a massive testicle has been the group’s bread and butter for as long as we can remember.

But now PETA has become so offensive that its Super Bowl advert has been banned due to its sexually explicit nature. Why? Because there’s a woman licking a pumpkin and putting some asparagus quite near her vagina in it. Look…

So, a few things:

1 - A woman licking a pumpkin and then dropping an onion into a bath is hardly 2 Girls 1 Cup, is it?

2 - The message of the advert seems to be that vegetarians have better sex. Better sex than what, we don’t know. Better than a fencepost? Better than a pile of dust? It isn’t really made clear. However, we suspect that vegetarians only think they have better sex because if the bulk of your life was divided between staring at lentils and wondering which type of Quorn fillet will taste less like polystyrene, even the most grotty, underwhelming bunk-up is going to feel like a rocket trip to the moon.

3 - This entire story is obviously bollocks.

PETA clearly – clearly – wasn’t ever going to purchase advertising time at the Super Bowl, because a video of of a woman in a bra molesting some broccoli coupled with an outraged ‘Hey, this is TOO HOT FOR TV! We’ve STUCK IT TO THE MAN!’ message is obviously going to get the lonely spods of the internet talking much more than a few seconds on TV sandwiched between adverts for Budweiser.

Nevertheless, here’s PETA spokesman Michael McGraw with some sort of made-up red-faced bluster:

“It’s ridiculous that this commercial was banned from NBC. Sure, it’s sexy, sure it’s provocative… [But], the bottom line for this ad was that studies show that vegetarians have better sex. We got an email that was so sexually explicit it make PETA blush – which is hard to do – outlining several things that they’re insisting we remove from our TV spot.”

Which is all well and good, except for one small thing – the advert isn’t sexy in the slightest. We mean it. Here’s a challenge – try and masturbate to it. You can’t, can you? It’s impossible. But now imagine that all the models are covered in slabs of uncooked bacon. That’s much easier, right?

No? Just us?

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So he has. And what good cause has Mickey Rourke chosen to promote? Why, the unnecessary proliferation of dog testicles. Mickey Rourke has taken part in a PETA campaign to urge dog owners to neuter their pets.

Mickey says this is to stop the murder of millions of unwanted puppies each year, but we think differently – we think Mickey Rourke uses mashed-up dog testicles as a facial filler to mask his weird plastic surgery and that he’s on a stockpile drive.

Mickey Rourke, make no mistake, is the greatest Christmas gift we’ve ever received. Sure, we’ve seen plenty of written-off actors make spectacular comebacks in our time – like when Sylvester Stallone made Rocky Balboa or when Steven Seagal decided to set Under Siege 3 in space – but Mickey Rourke blows them all out of the water. This is for four primary reasons:

1) Mickey Rourke has won unbelievable critical acclaim for his role in The Wrestler.

2) Mickey Rourke has become one of the world’s most highly sought-after actors because of his role in The Wrestler.

3) Mickey Rourke has a face that looks like a water bomb that’s been filled with Ardennes pate and dropped down an abandoned lift shaft.

4) Now that he’s famous, Mickey Rourke won’t bloody shut up about his dogs.

This was apparent on Sunday, when Mickey Rourke essentially dedicated his Golden Globe win to all of his dead pets. But just in case that wasn’t enough, he’s now also decided to take part in a PETA campaign to encourage dog owners to castrate their pets. People reports:

Cradling his Chihuahua, Jaws, in PETA’s new ad, the actor urges people to “have the cojones to fix your dog. When dogs get knocked up, puppies get put down because there aren’t enough homes for them… The most important thing about having a dog and loving a dog is keeping the dog its whole natural life,” says Rourke, who adds that “you have a responsibility to communicate with your animal how much he means to you.”

And there was us thinking that PETA stood for People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals. How wrong we were – turns out it’s actually an acronym for Please Eliminate Testicles Agonisingly. We’ll remember that.

However, just because it doesn’t seem to count canine genital mutilation as cruelty, we shouldn’t write off PETA’s campaign straight away. If Mickey Rourke says that keeping the bollocks on your dog will end up with the death of some unwanted puppies, then maybe it’s our responsibility to make sure that doesn’t happen.

Also, if we do it now then PETA won’t have to resort to its plan B – Mickey Rourke’s ‘I’d Rather Go Naked Than Not Neuter My Pet’ billboard campaign. Nobody deserves to see that.

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Because, while Khloe Kardashian would rather go naked than wear fur, Kim Kardashian would rather go naked, set up a video camera, roll around on a bed and boff a man whose tongue looks like it’s being remotely-controlled by a man from The Henson Company than wear fur.

But still, nice try. Meanwhile, some dogs have just started an ‘I’d rather be bludgeoned to death for my fur inside an abandoned Chinese warehouse than see Khloe Kardashian’s arse again’ campaign. Unrelated, we’re sure.

The fur trade is almost as old as humanity itself – with fur first being used to provide vital warmth for man’s earliest ancestors, and then as clothing for the likes of pimps, various queens of Narnia and genuinely awful rich women. And the fur trade is still going strong, despite decades of protest by activists concerned about the awful conditions in which the animals are kept and killed.

But today is the day that the fur trade dies.

Over the years, PETA has experimented with making famous people take their clothes off for its ‘I’d rather go naked than wear fur’ campaign. But no matter who got naked – supermodels, film actresses, actresses who used to do films but don’t do much now and idiots – the fur trade carried on regardless.

But now, finally, PETA has understood exactly who needs to get naked to put an end to this barbarism – the less-famous sister of a woman who’s sole claim to marginal fame is that she had sex on the internet and her dad’s a lawyer or something. Khloe Kardashian, the animals thank you for saving their lives. People reports:

Move over, Kim Kardashian. Your famous rear end may have some competition – from your little sister. In a new anti-fur ad for PETA, Keeping Up with the Kardashians costar Khloe Kardashian disrobes and shows off her posterior. Next to the star, 24, is the tagline “Fur? I’d Rather Go Naked.”

It’s thought that Khloe Kardashian decided to go naked for PETA to try and shame her sister Kim Kardashian, who is still an avowed fur-wearer. But that’s not the only reason, of course – Khloe Kardashian also went naked for fur because it’d get her talked about and, as such, she was also prepared to take her clothes off for the following campaigns:

‘I’d rather go naked than buy ivory’.

‘I’d rather go naked than illegally traffic a prostitute in from Albania’.

‘I’d rather go naked than drop-kick a squirrel into a threshing machine’.

‘I’d rather go naked than give a dog a Chinese burn.’

‘I’d rather go naked than something to do with deforestation’.

‘I’d rather go naked than punch a cow in the jaw.’

‘I’d rather go naked than eat, frankly. Or sleep. I love getting naked, so long as it’s for a good cause. Or a bad cause. Or no cause at all. I’ll get famous if I do this, right? What if I jiggle my tits around?’

Anyway, the sight of Khloe Kardashian naked will definitely get the fur trade on the run. If they know what’s good for them they’ll stop killing animals immediately, because as soon as Khloe convinces her sister to do the same, there’ll be trouble. After all, everyone knows that Kim Kardashian’s vagina is essentially a swirling vortex that nothing can ever escape, not even light, once it’s unleashed.

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Now keep in mind that quote is with many creative liberties on our part. Nonetheless – Stone rocked the Asian world with some comment that was so dull we’ve long since forgotten what it was. But PETA hasn’t.

No – PETA is still livid. Livid enough to fire off a letter to Stone several months after the fact offering to give her a free brain scan to see if that’s why she’s so indifferent to human life and….(wait for it)… the suffering of animals.

Something must be wrong with Sharon Stone.

No, not because of the stupid Chinese earthquake thing – we mean physically. In all the commercials for Basic Instinct 2 her back just looked a little crooked. Nothing a brace couldn’t fix – and we’d like to tell her that too, maybe in a letter.

We’d better not send that letter now though as Stone’s mailbox may be too full, what with all that CAT scan equipment in there and what-not. Now to be honest the CAT scan equipment is very expensive and costly to use – and PETA knows this. That’s why they’ve offered to pay for Stone to get a brain examination. In a letter from PETA headquarters, animal-lord Ingrid Newkirk said:

“Given that millions of people – including children – were killed, injured, and left homeless by the recent earthquake in China, everyone was shocked to hear you dismiss the devastating effects of this disaster. However, your cavalier attitude did not come as a surprise to us. We are used to the indifference that you flaunt and the callous remarks that you make about the suffering and death of the animals whose fur you wear so often.

“Scientific studies suggest that the prefrontal regions of the brains of people who lack empathy might be underdeveloped. Here’s our offer: Would you allow PETA to pay for a scan of the prefrontal region of your brain to determine if comments and actions that seem to demonstrate a lack of empathy are the result of a physical defect?”

As hecklerspray reads the contents of a letter like that, the first thing we think about is shutting the blinds so that nobody sees us wearing our polar-bear-skin bathrobe as we sit in front of our computer monitor typing on specially-made ivory keys and using a dead weasel as a wrist-rest.

Once we’re sure nobody can see in, we feel much more comfortable thinking about how that Newkirk dame sounds a tad lonely, and that the skin from her back might make a nice pair of mittens for somebody.

And then we think about offering a bounty of ten thousand dollars for a pair of mittens made from the PETA lady’s velvety-soft back.

And then we think about how an offer like that could land us in prison if taken seriously, but that it might be worth it because at least our hands would be warm as we tickled ourselves through the gloves every night as we prepare for slumber.

Wait – do they take away your mittens when they book you into prison?

Well lets just cancel the whole thing then.

If there is another thing Hecklerspray hates, it's when celebrities wear T-shirts that look like they were made in a 7th grade home-ec class but with not one single fart joke on them. That's just such a waste.

Jessica Simpson though – she doesn't care what we think. Also she doesn't care what PETA thinks, what vegetarians in general think, or what Bruce Willis was thinking when he agreed to make that fourth Die Hard.

She might care what Pamela Anderson thinks though. Because Pamela Anderson thinks Simpson is "a bitch and whore."

Unquote.

Long has Pamela Anderson ravaged the souls of meat-eaters everywhere. At one point, she even wanted the Colonel's head torn off.

After that, she wanted it flambéed and then secretly served at a White House luncheon to thousands of heads of state. Luckily, Bobby Flay was there having a throwdown with one of the Bush twins at the time, and he graciously intervened.

Don't check those facts anybody. Absolutely no need to check 'em.

A couple of weeks ago you may recall that PETA was piping mad at Jessica Simpson for wearing a T-shirt that read 'real girls eat meat.' Allegedly, they tried to scientifically prove the garment had been made from the skins of endangered baby penguins, but they failed in this as they couldn't get a sample.

Well now PETA-enthusiast Pamela Anderson wants a piece of this action. When asked about Simpson and the shirt on an Australian radio show she reportedly said:

"I think she is a bitch and whore. Actually, I don't know if she was talking about food or men."

Well, that is pretty darned straightforward. Sorry, Jess. We can't relate. That's because we are on great terms with Anderson, and we intend to stay that way for a very long time, too.

That's why we ask that she never visit us directly at work in our baby-seal mitten-making factory – where 'we're putting the soft back in winter'.

We feel she'd likely take offense to all those wispy tufts of fur spewing out the air vents, and we don't want to risk it.

Did you like that slogan though? It sounds so good, doesn't it? 'We're putting the soft back in winter'. We're thinking about buying it from a mediocre ad agency but it'll still cost over $10,000.

That’s because in tinseltown PETA could absolutely ruin you with their opinions, their powerful organization and possibly by them printing a pamphlet about how you are the only meat any of them would ever eat – ever!

Seriously though, if there’s even a hint that you could die at the hands of self-righteous cannibals, big-name directors and producers won’t even touch you. This is all horrible news for Jessica Simpson, who recently landed on PETA’s poo-list for a t-shirt she opted to wear one day. Now her career is in shambles because of it, and she rues the day she found that pullover at Ted Nugent’s family yard-sale.

That or she doesn’t care at all. Which ‘click for more’ closing-sentence would be more sensational?

PETA is a wonderful corporation or something where retarded people can flock to feel whole again. There the mentally deficient can feel what it’s like to ‘contribute’ to society. Also it gives them the chance to spy on celebrity wardrobes, and raise a big stink when one of the shirts they find has some meat-sauce stain clearly obtained from a Famous Dave’s.

Jessica Simpson was found out by PETA recently. One morning she woke up, put her hair in a pony tail or something and reached for a t-shirt that reads ‘Real Girls Eat Meat’ across the front of it.

Well PETA deeply disagrees with this shirt’s sentiment. They disagree to the point that they called her a ‘Stupid Girl,’ and deeply shamed her by making a blog titled “top five reasons that only stupid girls brag about eating meat.” Then they issued this statement:

“Jessica Simpson’s meaty wardrobe malfunction makes us thankful that no one is looking to her for food advice. Chicken-of-the-Sea, anyone? The woman who thought that Buffalo ‘wings’ came from buffalos would benefit from some good veggie brain food.”

That’s veggie brain food, mind you, that has to be quickly followed by numerous vitamin supplements because a non-meat diet is insufficient to sustain a life. Fox News has a Simpson-based retort:

“Simpson family insiders reportedly told OK! magazine that the shirt is a dig at her boyfriend Tony Romo’s ex-girlfriend, country superstar Carrie Underwood — who doesn’t eat meat. PETA twice has named Underwood the “World’s Sexiest Vegetarian.”

So will Simpson repent of her vile ways, give up all meat and meat-related accessories? Why should she? Did Britney Spears take them up on that internship? Did Aretha Franklin allow them to pay her taxes? Did Leona Lewis get naked for them?

Well yes, apparently, to that last one. Still – you can see where we were going with that.

To read more see ‘Jessica Simpson Slammed By PETA Over ‘Meat’ T-Shirt’ on eFlux Media

No, really. Britney Spears has totally arrived because PETA has offered Britney Spears a job. They want Britney to come be a receptionist for them. After all she did do a rather bang-up playing a receptionist on that random sitcom that nobody ever watches recently.

Also in related career advancements, we’ve just learned that Toonces The Driving Cat has been asked to be the Hilary Clinton’s personal chauffeur. Story developing…

If you call up PETA in the next little while, you might not hear the sounds of baby seals being unclubbed and foxes not being made into one of Jennifer Lopez’s coats like you are used to hearing. You’re more likely to hear something like “It’s Britney bitch… or is it a male cocker spaniel that’s gettin’ treated real bad?”, because Britney Spears just might answer the phone.

Makes perfect sense, doesn’t it? A desperately flailing former pop-princess totally botches up every area of her life to an astounding degree, doesn’t screw up a single acting gig that a mentally underdeveloped chimp with no limbs could have done, and PETA randomly comes in and offers her a job reliving her part on the show.

You see, Britney Spears had a cameo recently on the um, ‘hit’ show we’d never heard of before Britney Spears was on it called, How I Met Your Mother. Apparently, Britney did well and her praises as a non-nutbag were sung by the cast of the show. We’re sure an honorary doctorate from Harvard will be presented to Britney shortly, but in the meantime, PETA president Ingrid Newkirk seen an opportunity and seized it. An opportunity of what, we’re not quite sure, but she’s seizing it, dag-nabbit! Newkirk wrote the following invitation to Britney:

"You would see — from the inside — why we are so concerned about issues like fur and homeless dogs and cats. As a 'thank you' for your willingness to learn and help, we would donate $1000 to a children's charity. We might have criticized you in the past for contributing to the dog overpopulation crisis and wearing real fur, but perhaps now that your own crisis has abated, a new day calls for a new relationship, a new outlook and a new understanding."

Britney no doubt read the invitation with the same sincerity and appreciation that we just did. After which she devoured a bag full of baby Chihuahuas and had a smoke. Like we just did.

Additionally, the receptionist position is described as a 'virtual receptionist'. A virtual receptionist? What’s that? That must mean she’ll virtually be working, but not really. Kinda like motherhood for Britney, except with animals.

Whatever. We really hope Britney takes the job. We can’t handle calling up PETA and getting Heather Mills and her high pitched whining that beckons dogs and bats in a ten block radius to our door. It's really expensive buying ammo everytime that happens. And the clean up? Such a nightmare.  

Read more:

PETA Offers Britney A Job – OK 

Now when Aretha Franklin thinks of PETA, she has a different experience all together. 'Tax saviors' may be the term that first comes to her mind. That's because they've just promised to pay all her back house taxes on one condition… she must kill her only child! With a cheese grater! And meat spices!

That's not true, but wouldn't it be so dramatic? If it was true it probably would have been in the headline.

Think about it.

Aretha Franklin has recently allotted some of her scheduled time away from despising Beyonce, and focused it more on not paying her taxes. Such a lack of governmental interaction is a perk of being a celebrity – just ask that guy from Survivor. Or Marc Anthony. Or Wesley Snipes. Ask them all, actually.

Well Aretha Franklin's big fat fancy house is about to be lost forever because of her tax mishaps. We're sure PETA would rather see Franklin's wardrobe get confiscated by the man, but it won't be. No – it's her house hanging in the balance.

Luckily for Franklin though, PETA is an organisation that can see past her wardrobe sins. They've offered to pay off her back taxes – if Franklin trashes all her furs. Ingrid Newkirk, PETA's evil mastermind, wrote a letter to the hefty singer. Part of which said:

"We would like to help you out by paying the approximate $19,000 in back taxes that you owe – if you'll agree to save animals from hideous suffering and death by promising never to wear fur again and donating your old furs to PETA…Our offer is a win-win situation: You get to keep your home, and animals get to keep their lives. We are rooting for you to please give animals the R-E-S-P-E-C-T that they deserve by giving up fur."

We're pretty sure PETA's trying so desperately to help Franklin because in her old age she looks like a beluga, and if those things aren't endangered they should be. You hear that congress? Put belugas on that one special list you guys always add on to. They're such sweet animals! Do it now!

So demands hecklerspray!

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Aretha Franklin's PETA Payout – Monsters & Critics

But wait! Paul McCartney isn't going down without a fight. Although his personal life has stopped being exciting and his best professional work is light years behind him, Paul McCartney still has one constant to endlessly bang on about.

His vegetarianism. Which is why it's no surprise that Paul McCartney has just done a PETA advert explaining why he doesn't eat meat. At least it's not one of those adverts where he poses naked to protest animal cruelty, though – one glimpse of Paul McCartney's saggy buttocks and we'd have torn through a zoo popping everything in the face with the back of a shovel just to quell the nausea.

Paul McCartney famously once explained his vegetarianism by claiming that he doesn't eat anything with a face, which explains a) why, after his performance at this year's Brits, Paul McCartney was caught cramming handfuls of dirty earthworms into his mouth and nobody batted an eyelid and, b) when Paul McCartney is in Marks & Spencer and sees one of those birthday cakes with a cartoon lion's head iced on the top, he smashes it up with his fist and then rolls around the floor gurgling and farting like a colic-stricken toddler.

It's true. You don't need to check it, but it is true.

Anyway, the vegetables have always been there for Paul McCartney. He was a vegetarian when he made decent albums, he was a vegetarian when he made rubbish albums that mainly get used as coffee coasters. He was a vegetarian when he had a long-term wife he loved very much, he was a vegetarian when he had a shit wife who he might have stabbed in the arm with a wineglass a few times. And now he's revealed why.

Following in the footsteps of washed-up actress Sadie Frost and washed-up actress Alicia Silverstone, Paul McCartney has become the subject of a new PETA advert, where he explains what made him become a vegetarian in the first place. Turns out it was all the fault of a stupid fish. The Press Association reports:

The ex-Beatle, 65, poses next to the words "I Am Paul McCartney, And I Am A Vegetarian" in an advert for animal rights group Peta. He is quoted as saying: "Many years ago, I was fishing, and as I was reeling in the poor fish, I realised, 'I am killing him – all for the passing pleasure it brings me'. Something inside me clicked. I realised as I watched him fight for breath that his life was as important to him as mine is to me."

It sounds like a heartwarming epiphany – young Sir Paul's sudden realisation sending him into a deep spiritual reverie about humanity's cruel slave/master relationship with the animal kingdom, as the fish he caught flip-flaps to death on the ground ignored, as if to say "Throw me back in the fucking water you stupid hippy bastard." Heartwarming indeed.

The PETA advert also reveals Paul McCartney's belief that there would be no more famine if everyone turned vegetarian. And he might have a point – there'd be more cereals to go around if the majority of it didn't become cattle feed – but the ensuing global vegetarian halitosis would probably smash the ozone layer to shreds in about 15 seconds. You're damned if you do and you're damned if you don't.

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Fishing trip turned Sir Paul veggie – Press Association 

The latest to join PETA’s hareem is X Factor’s second-freshest regurgitation Leona Lewis, who is going to take off all her clothes, including her bra and pants – thus rendering her naked – and pose for a photograph in a classy way, like how a lady might, or in other words, pose for a photograph in a way that demands a bit too much magic-eye effort from the masturbator to be regarded as porn. According to The Sun, a source close to Leona said:

“She’s hugely proud to have been asked. She’s a strict vegetarian so it’s a cause close to her heart.”

The list of girls who have posed for PETA’s 'I’d rather go naked than wear fur' campaign is a bona fide success story for boners; Eva Mendes, Rihanna, Christina Aguilera, Christina Applegate, Alicia Silverstone, Alyssa Milano, all of them naked as the day they were born, only more fully formed and adult-like; it’s an image so mind-swimmingly distracting that you can almost forget how forgettable these people’s careers have been – almost – whilst trying not to jettison on to the half gorged panda burger sitting beside your laptop.

Agreeing to work in conjunction with PETA comes with some baggage though, because you also have to work with in conjunction with PETA founder, Ingrid Newkirk, who says things like:

“When it comes to pain, love, joy, loneliness, and fear, a rat is a pig is a dog is a boy. Each one values his or her life and fights the knife.”

A rat is a pig is a dog is a boy. And it all becomes clear that PETA, which undeniably makes some interesting points that we’d all do well to analyse are, in the end, are not necessarily in the best interests of humankind. Unless you think humans would benefit by allowing rats the same freedoms that we allow ourselves, like jury-duty and garbage collection, for example.

Also, If any of you beautiful hecklerspray readership are wondering – and you probably are – as you’re by now totally bored of guessing if today’s Britney news will be ‘vagina, wig or kids?’, if you guys were wondering; ‘why don’t dogs get the vote?’ well, you are in luck, because PETA has put forward the following theory, which can be found on its website:

‘Animals don’t always have the same rights as humans because their interests are not always the same as ours, and some rights would be irrelevant to animals. For instance, a dog doesn’t have an interest in voting and, therefore, doesn’t have the right to vote because that right would be as meaningless to a dog as it is to a child’

That’s why they don’t vote, because they’re not interested. It would be irrelevant, guys! It is one thing we’ll always have on them though. As they’re barking for better kennels, we can smile politely in public whilst screwing them over in the polling booths, just like women and black men before them. The white man always wins! Sorry, ignore that.

Ok PETA, listen up, because here is what you really need to do, alright? Instead of getting these young females to, one by one, strip off for a picture that’ll do nothing more than raise a few phallus’ and a tiny bit of awareness, which at most will achieve a few thousand more hits for your website, you need to do this:

Focus your attention on one sector of your hate, for example, Tesco and its involvement in battery farming. Round up all these girls together, Leona, Eva, the Christinas and the rest, and march them up to Tesco HQ to speak to Lord Dick King Tesco, or whatever his name is, and say “Look, Mr Tesco, if you promise to stop battery farming hens, we will all make love to you and each other now”. That would be it! Job done. Move on to Sainsburys.

So you can do that, or just keep on giving these girls photo ops to help further stretch their elastic careers, whilst Leona Lewis and the battery chickens just ‘Keep keep bleedin, Keep keep bleedin’ a darkness into our eternal soul.

You have been warned.

Read more:

Leona Lewis' strip fur animals - The Sun