Well hello there, and good tidings! But let’s just cut the small-talk here before things get all chatty-chatty like what those baby lesbians do off Coronation Street. So, Janet Jackson’s awful.  

Hear that, Great Britain? Here that, Janet Jackson’s official fan club underneath all the wild babble?

Oh, quiet down at the front ? JanFan47?! Cease and desist 1nPHATuation! (Amazing.) PIPE DOWN Janhova_Troll_Slayer! Not our words! No! We’d never flirt with incessant mockery and combine that with the Jackson family, what with all that pain and despair they’ve been harboring these past few years.

No, these are the harsh, cruel, ill-judged vibes of PETA of course. That’s the one. Bitch-eyes from the furries. Tut tut. Ohnoshedidn’t. Holy Things That Matter Entirely, Batman. All that.

After designing a (admittedly quite real-fur specific) fashion label BlackGlama, Janet has been called up for her crimes against all the adorable little swans and herons she’s been murdering grumpily whilst rolling her eyes and muttering about glass ceilings, The Klumps, and cardiologists that dawdle, and been told by the PETA to “GRR STOPIT WE DON’T LIKE HOW FAMOUS AND NASTY YOU ARE.”

Or if you’re hankering for something a tad more specific:

‘When Janet Jackson had her infamous wardrobe malfunction during Super Bowl XXXVIII, at least what popped into view of 170 million onlookers belonged to her, unlike the animal skins she drapes herself in, which are as dead as her fashion taste and her career.’

What, Justin Timberlake’s odium? Oh, right her nipples. Oh, let us off, it’s the end of the year.

Hmm. This doesn’t really make sense at all, really. Does she…win? Is that it? Did Janet Jackson win at PETA?

Oh, well in that case, that’s wonderful! Congratulations Janet. Especially when you must have had stiff competition from our own UK genocide attempts.

 *Sigh*

PETA, they’re a pesky bunch aren’t they? Whenever an opportunity arises, you know that one of their weak and feeble members will be around to call you nasty names. Such is their obsession with animal rights; they didn’t see The Human Centipede as a gross-out horror film, but as a powerful documentary showing man continuing to push animal experimentation to the limit.

Here in the hecklerspray bedsit, we bloody love animals. As we sit in our leather chair, we pass the time by playing a jolly song on our ivory piano and flicking cigars into our monkey paw ashtray.

If PETA had it their way, they’d make animals the rulers of the world. Until this happens, we’ll have to put up with them whining for a bit longer. Normally we’d ignore them, but sometimes they hire people to spread their word. This time it’s Kelly Brook who has revealed herself to be part-snake. CAN SHE UNHINGE HER JAW?!

In the UK, we don’t really have any problems with reptiles or amphibians. Because of our awful weather, the poor creatures would die pretty much instantly in the wilderness and then resemble nothing more than a long frozen poo.

The last time that snakes made any impact in our lives was when screen legend Samuel L. Jackson voiced his discomfort about snakes being present on an aeroplane he happened to be on.

And while Samuel L. promptly went about killing as many snakes as he could, like some kind of modern day St Patrick, other celebrities would rather cuddle our limbless chums and join PETA in their crusade of spreading the word about animal rights.

X Factorist Leona Lewis has worked for PETA during their “I’d Rather Go Naked Than Wear Fur” campaign. Either the head honchos at PETA want the public to realise that the human body is beautiful without a dead animal skin wrapped around them or, as we suspect, they just want to get people naked because they’re massive perverts.

Either way, Kelly Brook has basically been asked to strip off, be painted like a snake and pose for a photo for with the attached caption; “Whose Skin Are You In?” We can safely say that we’re wearing our own, thanks. Kelly said about the campaign:

“It makes my skin crawl to think about the violent ways snakes, lizards, alligators and other exotic creatures are raised and killed for boots, bags and belts.”

Wearing clothes made by children in sweatshops is fine though. Sod humans. They have talking mouths, so they don’t need help like hugely venomous snakes that are really hard to catch.

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Hey pervs! Think about Pamela Anderson’s boobs for a moment. Got a picture of them in your head? That’s right – they’re the ones that mysteriously float half way up her torso, defying gravity like globules of milk in zero-gravity.

Now imagine them spattered with salty fluid. No. Not that kind of fluid you filthy urchins! We’re talking about great salty tears.

That’s right. Here comes the distressing news that Pamela Anderson cried and threw-up all over the place when she first posed for Playboy.

When Anderson first got the phone-call to pose for Playboy, she was understandably stunned. That’s because she didn’t even own a telephone. However, she answered the request and thus started her career as a human that people like looking at when they’re not wearing many clothes.

She said:

“I was so confused. I told my mom about the offer and she said, ‘Do it. I’d do it.’

“I was so shy I was sick. They got the cover in the first roll of film because I was in tears thinking, ‘Oh my God, this woman, she touched my boob, this is not for me.’

That’s awful isn’t it. A woman, caressing another woman’s breasts while she openly weeps… snot streaming from her nostrils and eyes puffing up and going red, looking for all the world like a pair of inflamed anuses.

However.

“And then, after a while shooting, I became so comfortable they had to stop before I walked out of the studio door nude.”

Aaah! So she’s a natural really! Good news for you onanists, eh? Just imagine all that shame you could’ve missed out on if she hadn’t started enjoying baring her tear-stained bosom!

Speaking of her bust, our Pammy has admitted that she doesn’t feel she should have had a tit-enlargement op. She did though, and made a pretty penny as a result. Still, she won’t be going under the knife for other cosmetic reasons.

“I remember being in the gym at Playboy with Kimberley Hefner and we were looking at these pictures and I was going, ‘My God – look at their bodies! They’re great’. And she said, ‘Well, you know they have fake boobs?’ I could not believe it.

“I went, ‘Sign me up, this is not fair. This is not an even playing field’ and within two weeks I did it.

“But I don’t think I really needed to. And I haven’t done anything else and I don’t plan to. I hope to age gracefully.”

Chances are, you’re hoping she doesn’t grow old too gracefully, eh? There’s still a leaked sex tape in her yet… provided she doesn’t go and talk about animals rights all the way through it as that would be a major buzzkill.

Unless you’re the kind of sicko who gets off on images of animal pelts being torn from the twitching muscles of living beasties interspersed with images of fellatio.

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Okay. What do we know about Tommy Lee? Firstly, he’s got a massive wang. So big is Tommy Lee’s penis is that it actually has an ankle in the middle of it. We also know that he was in Motley Crue who are one of rock’s more forgettable footnotes. We also know that he’s a toppling dimwit.

And so, add all these things together and add a killer whale into the equation and you’ve got the perfect celebrity story, right? Thick man talks about gigantic, ejaculating member with very little authority, loudly.

Fantastic. So what’s his beef? Well, Tommy doesn’t like the way SeaWorld wank Tilikum with killer whale off. No, seriously.

Tommy Lee is all angry and thrashing his hands around in fury at SeaWorld, calling them “sick and twisted” over the way they (allegedly) treat their most famous Orca’s dick.

The drummer fired off a letter to SeaWorld accusing the park of keeping Tilikum the whale in captivity because, “he is your chief sperm bank.”

He probably thought ‘…and I can, like, totally empathise with that.’

Tilikum, a beast that has made headlines for killing three people for shits and giggles, now has Tommy in his corner, and presumably, this will make the flippered creature even more murderous and distrustful of human beings.

Tommy believes SeaWorld extracts semen from Tilikum in a really nasty way. He says:

“We know from SeaWorld’s own director of safety (as well as videos on the web) that the way you get his sperm is by having someone get into the pool and masturbate him with a cow’s vagina filled with hot water.”

“Even in my wildest days with Motley Crue, I never could’ve imagined something so sick and twisted.”

Yeah. Right.

So what to do? Well, Tommy and his friends at PETA want the whale released into the wild where it can be attacked by creatures more used to the feral sea and, presumably, where it will cry mournfully in the night when it just can’t get hold of a cow’s vagina filled with hot water when he wants a quick jizz.

Great stuff. Feel free to make your own ‘free willy’ puns.

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Sarah Palin’s bloodlust continues to stir up opinions – all of them useless – around the planet. But mostly America. When her new party political broadcast… sorry, sorry, when her new reality show aired – Sarah Palin’s Alaska -  everyone took it in turns to either fawn or kick her in the seat of her pants.

Whether it was any good or not, it’s quite startling to watch a former vice presidential candidate wielding a gun, firing it and killing something. More often than not, US politicians are out kissing babies or trying to explain themselves after being caught with their pants down.

Well, Palin shot a caribou and it was only a matter of time before PETA cleared their throats and, in an adenoidal voice, said ‘Excuse me, I think you’ll find we have an opinion on all this actually.’ From the smoking barrel of a moron to the self proclaimed voice of the woodland, could this spat get more irritating if it tried?

People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) vice president Dan Mathews released a statement sharing his thoughts. Probably wiping up the tears of a jaded moth while he did it, with a handkerchief made from hemp that willingly offered itself to be pulped and woven.

“Sarah seems to think that resorting to violence and blood and guts may lure people into watching her boring show. But the ratings remain as dead as the poor animals she shoots”

Poor ol’ PETA. They haven’t got a clue when it comes to trolling people have they? Really, they should have released a statement that threatened to throw her naked in a forest while wolves with bugles chased after her for shits and giggles. Instead, Palin got a finger wagging. In her dreams, she probably shoots off the digits of naysayers hands.

Palin had something to say about this telling-off.

“Unless you’ve never worn leather shoes, sat upon a leather couch or eaten a piece of meat, save your condemnation of tonight’s episode. I remain proudly intolerant of anti-hunting hypocrisy.”

Sadly for Palin, there are people who don’t wear leather, eat meat or own a leather couch and do everything within their power to lead a life that doesn’t include suffering animals (apart from episodes of Itchy and Scratchy)… and chances are, those are the people shrieking in disagreement with her, thereby making her rebuttal kinda pointless.

But what about the caribou community?

We spoke to electronic noodle group, Caribou and asked them for their opinions:

“Hecklerwhat? Are you going to promote our last album? Well then. Go away.”

What have we learned from all this? Well, we already knew Sarah Palin was a bit mental and that PETA were mewing chumps. You already knew that hecklerspray was written by sneering reprobates, leaving us back where we started – nowhere.

At least we can all carry on hating each other with the prospect of something far more terrifying – next week, Palin’s show sees Kate Gosselin and her eight kids accompanying Palin on a camping trip.

Will it end in a midnight bear attack?

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Remember when the James Bond films were required viewing every Bank Holiday, he drove awesome cars and had a digital watch that could shoot lasers? And you were 10 years old and everything was completely brilliant?

Then you remember Roger Moore.

Well he’s back, and targeting …. erm. Pate and stuff.

Pierce Brosnan is, we imagine, furious that his news thunder may have been stolen by Moore, what with him soon reappearing on the telly in what sounds like a rubbish version of the Rockford Files.

Which is NOTHING compared to taking-on a SHOP. And WINNING.

Like Roger Moore has.

That’s because Brosnan’s Bond was always Moore Lite. And whilst exec-producing and co-starring in some new telly ‘tec show – as reported today – it’s nothing compared to bringing a SHOP to it’s knees with nothing more than a raised eyebrow.

Yeah. You heard us. A SHOP. He fettled SMERSH ages ago. They had to make up a new organisation for Daniel Criag.  Who just looks puzzled by it.

Yes, as a representative of PETA, Moore has convinced Harvey Nics to stop stocking foie gras. Reports that he did this whilst flying a small aeroplane that was hidden in the back of a horses’ arse like in Octopussy are unconfirmed.

Following what we like to believe was the sound of a Walther PPK safety-catch being released, Moore stated

“I will now be turning my attention to a little shop in Piccadilly called Fortnum & Mason, which PETA informs me is resistant to appeals for compassion”

How ‘Bond’ is THAT? It’s like when he casually ‘offed’ Blofeld in the first couple of minutes of ‘Live and Let Die’.

Look over your shoulder the next time you’re in Waitrose. That’s all we’re saying.

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If Pamela Anderson says something is horrifying, then you’re advised to believe her. Why? Well, here we have a woman who has had sex with some of the ugliest humans alive (Kid Rock, Tommy Lee and Brett Michaels) and worked for a prolonged period with David Hasselhoff.

And so, when she’s not appearing in panto with a bunch of no-marks in Britain, she’s off to Israel to push a political agenda. That sounds sensible doesn’t it? We all know damn well that this part of the country is not the most stable in terms of politics.

Still, at least she’s getting paid loads of money to prance around while she competes in Israel’s version of Dancing with the Stars.

Pammy is going to push her views on people who probably haven’t asked for them in the name of fur. That’s right, Anderson – who is honorary director of People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) – is off to Israel to speak about the issue of fur to religious leaders.

She says:

“There are so many alternatives to things.”

“We can be compassionate in our choices.”

Of course, there are some who argue that alternatives to fur are actually very bad for the Earth as they sit in landfills refusing to biodegrade like plastic bags and that the children who work in sweathouses to make fake-fur jackets are treated very badly indeed.

But y’know… cutesy wutesy animals die with fur, so pick the ones you like least, reader. Or, wear nothing. All the time. Like a flasher.

Anderson said she hopes she can inspire a movement on an antifur bill that has been put on hold in Israel over worries that ultra-Orthodox leaders could kick up a massive stink. If you didn’t know, there’s a big trade of fur in Israel because of a penchant for fur hats worn by some men from Hassidic sects on holidays and other festive occasions.

She can only hope that the Orthodox types in Israel don’t make up the majority of the phone-in voters for Dancing With The Stars or her message will be short and sweet.

We wonder if the Israeli equivalent to Craig Revel Horwood is such a wind-up merchant that he’ll appear on every show dressed entirely in clothes made from the faces of every beast from the animal kingdom.

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We should preface this with a disclaimer: said balls were most certainly not attached to her dog at the time. Just in case someone were to stumble over here and think Taylor was some dog-setting-on-fire lunatic who would ever do something so cruel.

She would not.

She would, however, have her pet neutered and take the detached items and set them alight in her garden. Because, in the world of Taylor, that would be the lesser of two evils.

The Gossip Girl actress, who is known better for growing up too quickly than for her acting, has recently turned her hand to singing. But, she’s setting severed animal parts alight, so no one cares about her smoker’s voice yelling over mediocre melodies for three minutes (too long) at a time.

Oh yeah – we were going to say something about PETA’s reaction to this whole thing, weren’t we? The mental images now burned into the back of our brains distracted us for a moment. We do beg your pardon.

One would guess, in the manner to which we’ve become accustomed, that PETA would have gone flippin’ mental hearing what the raccoon-faced teenager had done – an act, to be fair, that was met with much hilarity.

Rather than go on a rant, with a quite appropriate air of sanctimony, about how one should refrain from disposing of neutered pet bits by roasting them on our back garden barbecues, PETA wrote a little poem about how much they love Taylor’s actions.

PETA posted a poem in tribute to Taylor Momsen which reads, in part:

“But at PETA we stand and applaud, The choice you made it should be law, To neuter your friend, And help put an end, To the homelessness of millions who have paws.”

We’re going to assume they mistook her for an actual raccoon, or were drunk, when they wrote this.

This was a guest post by Amy Grindhouse, so hooray for that.

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Look, this might be a story about Kim Kardashian and a cat, but we’re going to do our best to avoid any pussy jokes.

We’re better than that. So, anyway, yesterday – for reasons that we don’t have to emotional strength to research – Kim Kardashian held a cat by the scruff of its neck, took a picture of it and then posted it to Twitter. Which is exactly the sort of thing she tends to do, because it masks the fact that she’s a hopeless amateur porn star with a lack of any real ability and the conversational skills of a concussed Teddy Ruxpin who’s only allowed to be famous in the dim hope that one day she’ll take her clothes off again.

But the thing is, Kim Kardashian held the cat the wrong way. And now animal rights campaigners are after her. Jesus, Kim Kardashian, thanks a lot.

Kim Kardashian doesn’t exactly have the greatest track record when it comes to animal rights. There’s her well-documented love of fur, for example. And the fact that she’s kept those two hairy caterpillars imprisoned above her eyes for as long as we can remember. What? Those aren’t captive caterpillars? Those are Kim Kardashian’s eyebrows? Oh. Whoops.

But anyway, to add to her woes, Kim Kardashian has now posed on Twitter holding a cat in a slightly irresponsible way. No, not like. And not like that either, you pervert. Kim Kardashian actually held the cat by the scruff of its neck, accompanied by a phrase reading, with depressing inevitability…

“Pic from my shoot yesterday…good kitty cat!”

And, as everyone knows, the only way to annoy the internet quicker than telling it you didn’t much care for Avatar is to hold animals in slightly the wrong way. That’s why Kim Kardashian’s picture prompted an outcry of furious tweets in return, like:

@KimKardashian I would NEVER hold a cat like that! You have to support it from the bottom too.. Shame on you.

and:

@KimKardashian i no this doesnt hurt the cat but it looks bad.. u knew exactly wot would happen which makes u an attention grabbing whore

and, of course:

@KimKardashian You are a gross porn reality star, ugh. The fact u mishandled a cat makes me hate you more.

And PETA got involved too, obviously, with a spokesman telling the media:

“Kim Kardashian isn’t the only person who mistakenly thinks that because a mother cat picks up her kittens by the scruff of the neck that a supportive hand under the rump isn’t needed. But I’ll bet plenty of fans have let her know – nicely, we hope!”

That said, we really feel as if we should come to Kim Kardashian’s defence here. There are three reasons for this:

1 – Kim Kardashian states that the photograph was supervised by a vet, who said that the cat wasn’t in any danger.

2 – This was the least cruel photo of the entire shoot – rumour has it that, following the cat picture, Kim Kardashian then kicked a pony square in the knackers and pitched a weasel through a fifth-storey plate glass window.

3 – Every second that Kim Kardashian dicks around with animals is a second where she’s not making horrible internet sex tapes of herself. This, readers, is progress.

Image: twitpic.com

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PETA, we’re disappointed. This Tiger Woods scandal has been rumbling on for close to four months now.

Every paper has written about it. Every comedian has made a joke about it. Every single person, community and organisation on the face of the planet has an opinion about it. It’s old news. It’s yesterday. It’s Betamax. And yet PETA has only just decided to barge into the fray with a Tiger Woods advert.

Admittedly, though, PETA’s Tiger Woods advert is genius. Because Tiger was named after an animal, and has sex with a lot of people, PETA has claimed that Tiger Woods should be neutered. Or that all Tigers should be neutered. Or that all animals should be neutered. Oh, we don’t know. We think we preferred the adverts where people just got naked.

Between crashing his car into a tree, obliterating his lucrative family man image with an endless parade of ratty-looking mistresses and engaging in an awkward hug with his mother at last week’s big apology press conference – incidentally, that’s the longest he’s ever had physical contact with a woman without trying to stuff it up her – Tiger Woods has had a pretty rubbish few months.

But that humiliation is nothing compared to what Tiger Woods is being put through at the hands of PETA. PETA has burnt Tiger Woods, alright. It’s burnt him good. How? By sort of implying that he should have his reproductive system mashed into sludge and then slung in a bin, that’s how. Kind of. Here’s the text from PETA’s Tiger Woods billboard:

Too much sex can be a bad thing … for little tigers too. Help keep cats (and dogs) out of trouble: Always spay and neuter!

We’ve looked into this, and PETA’s actual point isn’t that Tiger Woods should be castrated (that would be inhumane) or that all tigers should be rendered infertile (that would be irresponsible). Instead it just wants all cats and dogs to have their genitals obliterated on the off-chance that their offspring will end up being euthanised.

PETA there. Or People For The Ethical Treatment Of Animals, to use the organisation’s full name. Or People For The Ethical Treatment Of Animals Except For Their Minges And Bollocks Which We Basically Want To Bludgeon Into A Useless Goo, as it presumably would have been called if only PETAEFTMABWWBWTBIAUG wasn’t such an impractically complicated acronym.

But that’s not the most offensive thing about this PETA advert. The most offensive thing is that it took PETA so long to come up with. If this was run before Christmas, it would have caught the zeitgeist and looked like a clever piece of social commentary. But now it’s old news – PETA may as well have just run an advert about Transformers 2 or Friends or the complicated new decimal system.

No, if PETA really wanted to hit home, it should have created an advertising campaign about the top news of the day. Having seen today’s news we’ve decided that PETA should have created an advertising campaign about… oh, about that killer whale that ate that woman. OK, bad idea. Sorry.

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Anyone who calls Michael Jackson a normal person can’t have seen the same newspaper reports and documentaries as us.

As we all know and appreciate, every single middle-aged man climbs trees to find inspiration and dangles kids from balconies for giggles.

A few weeks ago, KFC’s sales skyrocketed thanks to Magic Johnston‘s memorial speech about the time he and Michael shared some chicken during. We’ve since discovered that food artist Norma “Duffy” Lyon wants to sculpt the ex King of Pop out of butter. No-one knows if Michael Jackson loved butter that much, but it doesn’t matter. The soulless killjoys known as PETA have put a stop to it.

Despite not being overly clued up in the trade of building, we have spotted a flaw in sculpting things out of butter. Unlike bricks, butter doesn’t last very long in the heat. Or in the rain. Or if you try to chew it. Maybe all the houses in Iowa – prospective home of the Michael Jackson butter statue – are made out of butter. Perhaps all the residents are just a bit retarded.

For whatever reason, Norma “Duffy” Lyon has been carving all sorts of things out of butter since 1960. Cows, Elvis and angry man Elton John have all been cast in something that is best spread between two slices of bread. With the recent death of Michael Jackson, it seemed a fitting tribute to create the star out of butter. He’d have had three skin colours altogether as a result – black, white and a creamy yellow.

Butter, as a general rule, is pretty inoffensive. It doesn’t shout at you, interfere with other products in your fridge or try to rape you. However, the miserable twats at PETA got a bit boo-hoo at the thought of a poor cow’s milk being used for evil. If they had it their way, they’d employ 100,000 lactating women to fire out breast milk to replace good old cow’s milk. Or men’s ejaculate.

PETA’s executive vice president Tracy Reiman promptly sent off a letter after choking on a lettuce leaf to the Iowa State Fair’s CEO. She asked that the apparently offensive tradition of butter sculpting be scrapped and instead replaced with a non-dairy substitute instead. We assume they suggested cow shit due to it being a naturally occurring product from cows and a meal that all dejected vegans love to feast on.

As a result, the people running the Iowa state fair issued the following statement on its website:

“Conservatives and traditionalists find themselves opposed to Jackson’s depiction in butter. The allegations of paedophilia and blatant bizarre behaviour are simply too much for them. Then we have PETA, which often goes to the extreme left to make its point. Both factions are likely voting as fast as they can to keep Jackson out of the exhibit for different reasons.”

And vote they bloody well did, in fact they did in their thousands. The LA Times reports:

“About 100,000 votes were cast (no word on how many individual voters that represents, since one assumes those with strong feelings may have voted multiple times in what the fair’s own statement called an unscientific poll), and about 65% of them said no way to Butter Jackson.”

Screw you PETA for ruining a tradition that no-one really cares about. What’s net on your agenda? Randomly rescuing polar bears from the melting ice-caps so they don’t go homeless? Or how about brainwashing tramps to see everything your green and leafy way?

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Audrina Partridge loves animals – her surname is a type of animal, plus she stars in The Hills and some animals live on hills.

But Audrina Partidge does love animals. And, as a reality television star, Audrina Partridge is also the sort of person who’d probably massacre her family if it meant she’d get a headline from it. So combine the love of animals and the compulsive attention-seeking and what do you get? That’s right – a new PETA campaign where Audrina Partridge gets to strip.

Not strip naked, mind you. In that respect, Audrina Partridge thinks that animals can piss off.

Think PETA and what comes to mind? No, not the sight of Mickey Rourke ordering you to tear the gonads off your household pets with your bare fists, because that’s weird. No, what comes to mind is the slogan ‘I’d rather go naked than wear fur’.

It’s been a fairly successful slogan – as well as allowing us to see what several on-the-wane female celebrities look like nude, it’s also the only way you can see Kardashian flesh without possessing a subscription to an adult website or an incredibly unresponsive gag reflex. But it’s time that the slogan got retired. Because ‘I’d rather go naked than wear fur’ is good, but ‘I’d rather wear my pants and a bra and an impractically large set of feathered wings than do something nonspecific about petshops or something’ is great.

And that’s why Audrina Partridge from The Hills can now be seen on a PETA poster holding a dog while dressed like the sort of slutty angel who’d probably suck you off if you told her that you preferred her to Heidi Montag. We’ll let MTV explain the technicalities:

The Peta ad is urging people to adopt animals rather than buy them. Audrina said: “I wanted to get involved with PETA because I’ve always been passionate about animals, and I think this is a great way to make people and all my fans aware of all the animals that need a home.” She added: “you should adopt, so go to an animal shelter and rescue a dog.”

It does sort of make sense, we’ll admit. But ultimately the PETA campaign is flawed, and here’s why – although being told to rescue rather than buy a dog is good advice, being told to rescue rather than buy a dog by one of the stars of The Hills is terrible advice. Everyone knows that the best way to get through life is by doing the exact opposite to what anyone from The Hills does. So, with that in mind, we’ve just bought 15 dogs from an online petshop. Don’t worry, we gave them a false address. We hate animals.

What’s the moral of all this? God knows, but we suspect it’s something like ‘Audrina Partridge won’t get naked for the sake of animal cruelty, but she will get naked for a handful of grubby coins and an insincere promise of fame from a sleazy photographer’. Or whatever.

Incidentally, anyone worried that all the feathers on Audrina Partridge’s massive set of angel wings sits awkwardly with PETA’s pro-animal agenda should relax. Apparently all the birds that were killed and plucked for the poster had been caught eating meat by PETA activists, and therefore had to die. Probably.

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Wacko Jacko is under fire after the European wing of PETA threw an ethical bomb at his 50-date O2 extravaganza.

His extensive residence at London’s O2 Arena, starting July 8th, is reported to be ‘jungle-themed’ and will feature an African elephant, processions of panthers, parrots, wild birds and Masai warriors… but thankfully, no children are involved.

People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals choked on their tofu salads when they caught wind of Jacko’s plans and responded immediately with pleading letters, bags of flour and a resurrected report of the star’s sordid past with the animal kingdom.

“These animals belong in Africa, not the O2 Arena among screaming fans, bright lights and stage explosions,” said PETA in a statement to NME.com. “They are deprived of everything that is natural and important to them when they are forced to perform under stressful conditions. Michael needs to learn to leave exotic animals alone.”

The onslaught continued as PETA reiterated their 2008 investigation of the animal outcasts from Neverland Ranch, the star’s former residence. The organisation tracked the private sale of four Jackson giraffes to a couple in Arizona who planned to open a zoo. According to their findings, the animals had been kept in ‘temporary’ enclosures measuring 15 by 15 feet, while one, named Princess, had bled for five days after giving birth to a stillborn calf. Other members of Jacko’s animal family such as Bubbles the Monkey, were reported to have been sold off to animal trainers in Hollywood.

In a letter published yesterday, PETA’s UK director, Robbie LeBlanc, urged the CEO of entertainment giant AEG Europe to prohibit the use of wild animals at Jackson’s concert. Detailed examples were given on the King of Pop’s flagrant disregard for animal welfare, cruel training methods involving bull hooks and electric prods plus a reference to US show Siegfried & Roy where one of the hosts was mauled by a tiger in Las Vegas, 2003. He wrote:

“The plan to use animals in his concerts would be blatantly cruel and potentially, a disaster waiting to happen. The fact that Jackson’s shows sold out instantly is proof that all the star needs to do to thrill his fans is simply show up.”

The prospect of an already hideous O2 arena being fashioned after the sick and narcissist fantasies of Michael Jackson is poisonous food for thought. Despite PETA’s well-earned reputation as feminine vegan fascists, one tends to agree with them when confronted by Jackson’s general history as an abuser of animals and other life-forms. 1,200 speakers, stage lights and 20,000 screaming fans over 50 days just might be a little bit much, Michael.

Mind that your birthday doesn’t turn into the world’s most extravagant performance of Animal Farm.

[story by Alex de Moller]

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The reason hecklerspray can never enjoy a tofu-heavy diet is because generally when we eat, blood spurting out of whatever we just bit into is our favorite part.

You can flavour the vegetarian delight with whatever you want, but until it spurts blood we shall remain largely uninterested!

Did you hear that, PETA? We don’t want your stupid tofu! We don’t want it if it’s turkey flavored, or if its beef flavored, or if its flavored to taste exactly like George Clooney‘s sweaty, used gym towel!

The latter, apparently, is genuinely on PETA’s drawing board, even as we speak.

If PETA has its way, then by the time next Thanksgiving rolls around one of the Olsen twins will turn the other into a skinned jacket. Also, come supper time, you and yours will enjoy a hot slab of George Clooney with a side of potatoes – both covered generously in brown water poured from a gravy boat.

What’s that? You’re confused? Well let us elaborate, at least on that second half – PETA recently got their hands on a sweaty towel that Clooney swabbed off with in a gym. Said towel still glistens with the actor’s sweat if you hold it up to the light just so. The beauty is most apparent with the morning’s first rays. That’s what we heard.

And do you know what PETA’s first thought was when they realized such a grand item was in their possession? Apparently – they wanted to know what it tasted like.   As the Washington Post puts it:

“In a letter sent to the actor, Newkirk [PETA's mighty leader] said that PETA has been offered his gym towel… and wants to use his sweat to create Clooney tofu that will “spare animals from being killed for the table.” She went on to explain that the science is pretty simple, like “making artificial chicken flavor for instant gravy.”

“Newkirk, a big fan of Clooney, told us yesterday that the towel was offered by a PETA supporter with the idea of auctioning it off, but she immediately thought of using his perspiration for bean curd: “I thought, ‘What would make tofu more attractive to people?’ … I can see people having parties to try CloFu.”"

So the basic hope then, as far as we understand it, is that if people enjoy the taste of George Clooney enough, they may never go back to eating other meats again. Well that just spells trouble on so many different levels. Think of what pains ol’ George could find himself in if all the chubby women and gays who clip out all of his news articles actually acquired a taste for his salty flesh.

Sounds like a Tivo-worthy ending to a True Hollywood Story.

Reportedly, Clooney would be fine with all this so long as he gets some sort of a producer credit printed on the can. He didn’t say that, what he did say was this:

“As a mammal, I’m offended.”

If the plan moves forward, and hopefully it will, this could lead to a whole line of deliciously themed products. There’s George Clooney-flavored potato chips, George Clooney-flavored jerky, and for the kids – little gummi candies shaped like his woo-woo.

You read that right – we called it a woo-woo.

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Most people generally avoid dog shows because they’re attended exclusively by red-faced spinsters in wax jackets.

But just to make really sure, PETA has decided to go out of its way to put people off the Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show by hanging around outside in full Ku Klux Klan garb – a stunt that’s still 18 times less offensive than when Sadie Frost got two centimetres of bumcrack out for them.

Why is a celebrity gossip website telling you about this? Because, if you think about it, dogs are like fluffy little celebrities, aren’t they? Also, bum-all else has happened today.

What we like best about animal rights group PETA – apart from the fact that if you put a piece of popcorn chicken on your tongue in front of one of its members, they’re guaranteed to fall to the ground clutching their chest and hyperventilating like you’re eating their own children – is that it never stops thinking up new ways to scare the masses into becoming life-long wan-looking joyless vegans.

In recent memory, PETA has tried the I’d Rather Go Naked Than Wear Fur campaign, the I’d Rather Go Naked And Grow A Silly Haircut Than Wear Fur campaign, the OK OK I Won’t Wear Fur Just Please Don’t Let Paul McCartney Get Naked campaign and the weird campaign about Mickey Rourke glowering at dogs’ testicles until they fall off.

But PETA’s last trick – trying to turn the world vegetarian with an advert about a woman rubbing a bit of broccoli over her face in a sexy way – failed when censors apparently banned it from TV. So, fine, PETA needed to scale back and do something less likely to offend for its next stunt.

Which is why it’s currently standing outside the Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show dressed up like KKK grand imperial wizards. Obviously. USA Today reports:

Their goal was to draw a parallel between the KKK and the American Kennel Club. “Obviously it’s an uncomfortable comparison,” PETA spokesman Michael McGraw told the Associated Press. But the AKC is trying to create a “master race” when it comes to pure-bred dogs, he added. “It’s a very apt comparison.” The group passed out brochures implying the Klan and AKC have the goal of “pure bloodlines” in common.

It’s a sort-of valid argument – this year the BBC isn’t even broadcasting Crufts because of fears that institutionalised inbreeding in pedigree dogs is creating generation after generation of increasingly warped and ill animals – but, hey, dressing up as well-known group of racists like the KKK to get the point across? Really smart, PETA. Why not just go the whole hog next time and let Miley Cyrus do a campaign?

But it’s not just the transparently attention-seeking shock tactics of PETA that’s got our goat – it’s the lack of long-term thinking on display. What do KKK outfits most look like? That’s right – great big mansized white dog turds. And who loves big dog turds more than anyone else? That’s right – dog lovers! If anything, PETA is creating a huge moving advert for the Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show. Silly PETA. You fail again.

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