Articles tagged with: Paris Hilton
Paris Hilton Threatens To Release Craptastic Album Number Two
“Mwahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh dbbbbbbbbbbbbb bbbbbbb quyuair fijdfff fffffblkurrrrrrrrrrrrrghhhhhh.” If you've never been lucky enough to hear anything from Paris Hilton’s self-titled debut album, we’ve basically summed up how it sounds above. Senseless screams that not even studio engineering could cover up were released by the heiress who wrongly thought we’d all go “omg that is so like awesomely mega kewl!” when we heard it. With disastrous sales you’d think the message would be clear and our wonk-eyed American friend would stop making music. Sadly not it seems - Paris Hilton has is apparently planning to annoy us again, this time with an album inspired by Kylie Minogue.
“Mwahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh dbbbbbbbbbbbbb bbbbbbb quyuair fijdfff fffffblkurrrrrrrrrrrrrghhhhhh.” If you've never been lucky enough to hear anything from Paris Hilton’s self-titled debut album, we’ve basically summed up how it sounds above. Senseless screams that not even studio engineering could cover up were released by the heiress who wrongly thought we’d all go “omg that is so like awesomely mega kewl!” when we heard it. With disastrous sales you’d think the message would be clear and our wonk-eyed American friend would stop making music. Sadly not it seems - Paris Hilton has is apparently planning to annoy us again, this time with an album inspired by Kylie Minogue.
Paris Hilton Split All Down To Prince William? No! Our Eyes!
There isn't a single British citizen alive who, hand on heart, wouldn't want to see Paris Hilton crowned as their queen. That's fact. Paris Hilton becoming queen would be like that hilarious movie King Ralph except, instead of being about a fat American with bad manners it'd be about a stupid American with no manners. Plus it'd be funnier because it was really happening. And, if one wild-eyed report is to believe, it might just come true - Prince William has been named as a possible cause of the split between Paris Hilton and Benji Madden. Of course, we're joking. Regardless of the veracity of these reports, Paris Hilton would make a terrible queen of England. Her days are spent wearing embarrassingly ostentatious jewellery, simpering around important people without ever understanding what they do and leeching piles of money that she doesn't really deserve. Meanwhile, the Queen's days are spent... hey, wait a minute!
There isn't a single British citizen alive who, hand on heart, wouldn't want to see Paris Hilton crowned as their queen. That's fact. Paris Hilton becoming queen would be like that hilarious movie King Ralph except, instead of being about a fat American with bad manners it'd be about a stupid American with no manners. Plus it'd be funnier because it was really happening. And, if one wild-eyed report is to believe, it might just come true - Prince William has been named as a possible cause of the split between Paris Hilton and Benji Madden. Of course, we're joking. Regardless of the veracity of these reports, Paris Hilton would make a terrible queen of England. Her days are spent wearing embarrassingly ostentatious jewellery, simpering around important people without ever understanding what they do and leeching piles of money that she doesn't really deserve. Meanwhile, the Queen's days are spent... hey, wait a minute!
Paris Hilton & Benji Madden Get Torn Apart By A Universe That Hates Seeing Two Simultaneous Uglies
Our breakfast toast this morning was slightly overdone so we tried to compensate by putting jelly on both sides. The results were surprisingly sticky. We're just throwing that out there in case the Drudge Report, E! Online or the National Enquirer want to run with it as a headline. Not interested? Perhaps they would be if they knew we used two different jelly flavours - one of them mint. Also we unconventionally spread it on there with the back of a spoon. Still nobody interested? Its free you know - we don't want a cut or anything. Just take the story. You could use the headline hecklerspray double jellies its morning toast with spoon from filthy sink pile. That'd be far more interesting than the story most of them are running about the Paris Hilton/Benji Madden break-up. C'mon you websites - think of the increased internet traffic!
Our breakfast toast this morning was slightly overdone so we tried to compensate by putting jelly on both sides. The results were surprisingly sticky. We're just throwing that out there in case the Drudge Report, E! Online or the National Enquirer want to run with it as a headline. Not interested? Perhaps they would be if they knew we used two different jelly flavours - one of them mint. Also we unconventionally spread it on there with the back of a spoon. Still nobody interested? Its free you know - we don't want a cut or anything. Just take the story. You could use the headline hecklerspray double jellies its morning toast with spoon from filthy sink pile. That'd be far more interesting than the story most of them are running about the Paris Hilton/Benji Madden break-up. C'mon you websites - think of the increased internet traffic!
WEBTHUMP! Tuesday 28 October 2008
10 - More election crap. It'll be over soon, promise... 9 - Is it just us, or is Kanye West's new album not very good? - Pitchfork 8 - Why Stu's beard rocked, despite popular opinion - Biggerbetterbeard 7 - A song about Paris Hilton being president, performed by Paris Hilton. We're so tired ...
Brace Yourself, World: Paris Hilton Wants Babies
The Simple Life all but proved that Paris Hilton will be a bad mother - she can't even photocopy, so what's stopping her from dropping a baby down the toilet? However, little things like common sense and concern for the future of humanity don't matter to Paris Hilton, which is why she's told People that she's desperate to have children. Don't be too alarmed by Paris Hilton's claims, though - if she does have a baby it'll be an interesting genetic experiment - in four short generations the Hilton family has gone from billionaire hotel chain founder to Paris Hilton, so if our charts are right the fifth generation will mostly resemble the mutant teleported dog from the beginning of The Fly 2.
The Simple Life all but proved that Paris Hilton will be a bad mother - she can't even photocopy, so what's stopping her from dropping a baby down the toilet? However, little things like common sense and concern for the future of humanity don't matter to Paris Hilton, which is why she's told People that she's desperate to have children. Don't be too alarmed by Paris Hilton's claims, though - if she does have a baby it'll be an interesting genetic experiment - in four short generations the Hilton family has gone from billionaire hotel chain founder to Paris Hilton, so if our charts are right the fifth generation will mostly resemble the mutant teleported dog from the beginning of The Fly 2.
Paris Hilton Releases Song About Her BFF, Presumably Herself
Remember a while ago when Paris Hilton decided to become a singer and released that album and it sold 500 million copies and made Paris Hilton a megastar? Yeah, us too. That was great. We especially liked it when the government of Uganda became so obsessed with the Paris Hilton album that it scrapped its own national anthem in favour of Stars Are Blind, Nothing In This World and Screwed played all the way through six times each. Oh, wait, no, none of that happened, did it? That's because the Paris Hilton album was an abject failure that turned Paris into an international laughing stock. Still, at least Paris Hilton managed to scrape together her remaining credibility afterwards, never to return to that debac... what? Paris Hilton is releasing another song? And she's named it after her new TV show? Oh. Good.
Remember a while ago when Paris Hilton decided to become a singer and released that album and it sold 500 million copies and made Paris Hilton a megastar? Yeah, us too. That was great. We especially liked it when the government of Uganda became so obsessed with the Paris Hilton album that it scrapped its own national anthem in favour of Stars Are Blind, Nothing In This World and Screwed played all the way through six times each. Oh, wait, no, none of that happened, did it? That's because the Paris Hilton album was an abject failure that turned Paris into an international laughing stock. Still, at least Paris Hilton managed to scrape together her remaining credibility afterwards, never to return to that debac... what? Paris Hilton is releasing another song? And she's named it after her new TV show? Oh. Good.
Coyotes Eat Paris Hilton’s Salty Lap-Dogs
The southern California coyote population seems to be working itself well-away from the brink of extinction. This is good news, as just three months ago they'd been diminished by the encroachment of man to a population of one. It lived in a multi-level parking garage just off Sunset Blvd. Luckily for devoted coyote enthusiasts everywhere, Sasha (that's was the one coyote's name. His mother was from Russia) saw the direness of his predicament, and vowed to increase his people's population through improved diet, and a mass fertilisation of everything he ever came across. That improved diet, by the way, included celebrity lap dogs - like the ones recently eaten right out of Paris Hilton's backyard.
The southern California coyote population seems to be working itself well-away from the brink of extinction. This is good news, as just three months ago they'd been diminished by the encroachment of man to a population of one. It lived in a multi-level parking garage just off Sunset Blvd. Luckily for devoted coyote enthusiasts everywhere, Sasha (that's was the one coyote's name. His mother was from Russia) saw the direness of his predicament, and vowed to increase his people's population through improved diet, and a mass fertilisation of everything he ever came across. That improved diet, by the way, included celebrity lap dogs - like the ones recently eaten right out of Paris Hilton's backyard.
Brooke Hogan Tries to Think Again: Fails.
Being a member of the Hogan family would be great, if it weren't for the fact that right now it would be rubbish. The bright orange dad made of leather, Hulk Hogan, is in some trouble for trying to hide money from his mad wife, Linda Hogan, who's going out with someone about three decades younger than herself, while the son, Nick Hogan, sits in jail for nearly killing his best mate and the daughter, Brooke Hogan... well - she just continues to embarrass herself. Today it's through the wonderful means of slagging off Paris Hilton via MySpace. What an age we live in! Though we can't help but find it annoying - we slag that bint off more or less every day, and we have a go at the Hogans and we still don't get national news exposure. It's a bloody popularity contest.
Being a member of the Hogan family would be great, if it weren't for the fact that right now it would be rubbish. The bright orange dad made of leather, Hulk Hogan, is in some trouble for trying to hide money from his mad wife, Linda Hogan, who's going out with someone about three decades younger than herself, while the son, Nick Hogan, sits in jail for nearly killing his best mate and the daughter, Brooke Hogan... well - she just continues to embarrass herself. Today it's through the wonderful means of slagging off Paris Hilton via MySpace. What an age we live in! Though we can't help but find it annoying - we slag that bint off more or less every day, and we have a go at the Hogans and we still don't get national news exposure. It's a bloody popularity contest.
