It must be hard being Pippa Middleton; trying to be a serious business woman and gallivanting around London, made all the more difficult because everyone knows you for being the one with the arse that stole your sister’s wedding day.

Poor, poor Pippa.

But a tabloid picture editor has come forward and announced that newspapers would be offered around 300 or 400 pictures PER DAY of the fitter Middleton, none of which are of her arse.

Paul Silver or the Daily Mail says:

“At the moment we have a situation where there must be nine or 10 agencies outside her door every day”

Hold on a minute… The Daily Mail?

Oh, we get it, all those pesky photographers camped outside Pippa’s pad must be a new breed of immigrant paedo paps that have come over here to make our beloved tabloid photographers jobless and bother our favourite Royal relations.

Those utter bastards.

The Mail obviously never run any of these photos, after all, what paper would run pictures of a woman we never hear speak and is effectively just a bit of posh totty that we’d like to think we have a crack at because she’s not an actual Princess like her older sister.

So this abhorrent invasion into Pippa’s private life is all for nothing, those immigrant paedo paps should just take their cameras back to where they come from and leave us all to bask in the warm glow of Pippa’s loveliness, sans pictures of her posterior splashed across the pages. [Her arse isn't literally splashing on the pages, Ed]

But oh wait, some of those 400 pictures sent to the tabloids everyday actually make it into the papers, because no matter how mundane the middle class Middleton is, her face still sells papers, because it’s attached to that arse that everyone keeps harping on about as if they’re banging you over the head with a double cheeked cushion, shouting, “SHE’S GOT A NICE ARSE, DON’T YOU REMEMBER!?”

We should all chip in and get Paul Silva a replica Queen’s Guard outfit that he can wear on that high horse of his.

Where there’s blame, there’s a claim… right? Well, in the case of paparazzi photographer and presumed harassing scum-ventricle, Grigor Baylan, he’s suing Lindsay Lohan for something she didn’t actually do for once.

Our papping chum is taking legal action against the actress after he found himself being run over  by a motor car that was trying to get away from… you guessed it! The paparazzo.

And the best bit is – LiLo wasn’t even driving the car!

The photographer’s lawyer, Neil Steiner, told ambulance chasing TMZ, that the actress is being chased in this particular legal case because her assistant was at the wheel and operating under her instruction.

Feel free to arch an eyebrow at that.

Steiner says that he’s contacted Lindsay’s insurance company to settle the claim but they only made an ‘insignificant offer’.

Of course, there’s nothing funny going on here.

No-one is trying to milk a situation for all it’s worth. The lawyer insisted he is only seeking ‘reasonable compensation’ for his client, who was medically treated for orthopaedic and neurologic injuries following the incident, which took place on January 10, 2010.

This definitely isn’t a case of targeting someone who might want to throw money at a scenario because they’re worried about a judge hauling them back into court to send them to prison for previous misdemeanours.

Definitely, definitely not that.

The curse of Celebrity Big Brother is rearing its ugly head again as former contestants and professional divorcees Alex Reid and Chantelle Houghton announce that they think they’re ready to reproduce.

Jordan’s former fella spread the word via one of those glossy lady rags that you see in your dentist’s waiting room, but would never pick up because there’s a picture of Alex Reid on the cover trying his best to look like he’s still a cage-fighter…

…or vaguely relevant.

According to Reid, who’s been dating Chantelle for less than 6 months, Houghton is, “the one.” He didn’t clarify whether he meant romantically or in more of an intellectual capacity, but for arguments sake we’ll just assume he meant he’s willing to spend the rest of his life with a woman who secretly arranged for photographers to follow her and her ex, Rav Wilding, around, just so that she’d get some column inches.

The lawyers have informed us that we should probably point out that it’s only alleged that Chantelle had the paparazzi follow her around, but let’s be honest, we all know it was true.

So, with a cross dressing cage fighter and an equally imbecilic former Paris Hilton impersonator for parents, what can we expect from this imminently arriving celebrity sprog?

First off, upon exiting the womb the baby will be expected to sign an exclusivity deal with both OK! Magazine and Channel 5, ensuring that every word, step, burp and bowel movement will be documented live for our entertainment. It’ll be like the Truman Show, but with a disturbing sexual undertone.

Secondly, the baby is going to be stupid and we blame the parents. Let’s face it, Reid and Houghton have probably spent more time on a sun bed than they have curled up with a good book.

Thirdly, it’s inevitable that Alex and Chantelle, or Alelle as we are now to call them, will be voted as celebrity parents of the year. Despite the fact the child was quite obviously just a PR stunt that they’ll end up dumping 6 months later, like the proverbial kitten in a sack.

Good luck Alex and Chantelle. May the fruit of your loins be every bit as charismatic and loveable as you are.

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You don’t really care who Tori Spelling is but, alas, it is the slowest news day of 2011 thus far. This means that not only are we struggling to find celebrities to write about, but the poor paparazzi are chasing absolutely anyone now.

And because all the proper celebrities have obviously taken the day off, every single photographer on Earth decided to harass Tori Spelling because she just happened to be passing and they half recognised her from when she used to be in Beverley Hills 90210.

Sadly for Spelling, she’s not equipped to deal with the press these days and ended up crashing her and her pregnant stomach through a concrete wall which shielded screaming children. Oooops.

So what happened then? Well, Tori says:

“Paparazzi chased me with the kids to school”

“I was trying to get away and had a pretty big accident.”

“I took down whole wall of school. He then still got out to try to get pics. Ten school moms chased him away. What will it take? Someone dying for paparazzi to stop? Going to doctor now to check on the baby. I think it’s just shock.”

What will it take? Someone dying? Lest you forget, Tori dear, that the paparazzi contributed heavily to Princess Diana decorating the inside of a tunnel with her insides.

Idiot.

Anyway, should you be one of those hideous sycophants that cares about all babies, regardless of whether they’ll grow into monumental shit-hampers, Spelling’s seems to be fine.

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Poor celebrities. They need the press to promote their wares and, of course, the best way to keep the hacks interested is to give them a sense of allowing them into their inner-sanctum. The writer gets to live vicariously through the star and a notion of exclusivity, while the celebrity gets to stay in the public eye, as a visual aid that they’ve got things you can buy of theirs.

However, at some point in a sleb’s career, they must become irritated by the press intrusion. It appears that they’re under the impression that they can play ball for a while, and then walk away when it suits them, only to return when they actually have a product to push.

Sadly, ‘celebrity’ is not on a Pay As You Go contract. Your short shelf life is in symbiosis with the will of hacks to shift units of newspapers and magazines, and so, when you’ve tired of the press writing about you, all that remains for a celebrity is to either give up on fame, or go talk to the very people who pose the problem of your life being no longer yours. And here’s Selena Gomez…

Complaints from the spotlight are nothing new. For years, musicians have been carefully placing a surreptitious comma in their well worn whines.

When a famous band says: ‘We won’t be doing any interviews to promote our new album’, they actually mean: ‘We won’t be doing any interviews, to promote our new album’.

And Selena Gomez isn’t happy with the press, and of course, ran straight to them to speak about how awful her life is.

On the back of a highly-publicised, orchestrated holiday with boyfriend Justin Bieber, which saw the young couple snapped while frollicking on the beach, set-up with various photography agencies and the like, Gomez rolls her eyes and wishes it weren’t all true.

She admits to a media outlet that she:

“doesn’t like it personally”

And the wilds of the internet aren’t going to help her either. While she may have found trace amounts of opinion online, she’s wary of the danger of getting hacked.

“I got hacked one time. They just hacked it, and we hacked it back and I apologized to my fans.”

She continues:

“[The hackers] put mean things about people I didn’t even know.”

Who would do such a thing? Slagging people off who you’ve never even met is the work of astonishing scumbags who should be forced to sit in a darkened room with a laptop, to write clunky jokes that don’t work while gently rocking back and forth while sobbing into their cold tea.

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Hello Middleton family! Welcome to the dank, foetid world of celebritidom! In this new realm which you now find yourselves in, you’ll find that people have no qualms about digging up old photos of you in states of undress or looking drunk, or indeed, sticking SLRs up your skirt to snap your gussets!

Hurray for that.

And with that, Kate Middleton, her mother Carol, and sister Pippa (or, as you’ll know her, ‘The One With The Nice Arse’) have filed an official complaint against newspapers who published pictures of them in their bikinis.

Now, if you haven’t seen the pictures in question, feel free to check for them online because, despite this complaint, they’re still absolutely everywhere.

Are you back with us now? Cleaned your hairy little guts of sputum? Good.

These photographs are five-years-old photos and were taken when the Middletons holidayed on a yacht in Ibiza. That’s right – a yacht. Presumably, it was a ‘commoners’ yacht.

And now, despite the fact these photos were published ages ago, now that the Middleton family are down with Prince William & Co, they’ve lodged a complaint with the Press Complaints Commission because they think they’re privacy has been breached.

Not unlike the wedding day which wasn’t a mass of invaded privacy.

A press watchdog spokesman said, in a voice as high as a green fly with his balls in a vice, said:

“I can confirm that the PCC has now received complaints from representatives of the Middleton family concerning photographs published in the News of the World, Daily Mail, Mail on Sunday and Daily Mirror. We will now consider those complaints.”

Clarence House don’t want to comment on the whole thing it seems.

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Katie Price isn’t going to be using her children in TV shows or magazine shoots any more. She won’t be giving them a lift to school either as she’s been disqualified from driving after she received three further points on her licence for speeding, a court heard.

We’re pretty sure you’ve already done the ‘twin airbags’ joke in your head, which means we don’t have to bother. Thanks for that.

The famous for being famous person was caught by a speed camera doing 83mph along the A23 at Pyecombe in West Sussex last December. BUT WAIT! It isn’t her fault at all!

Price/Jordan/That Orange Faced Woman now has 13 points on her licence and didn’t attend Crawley Magistrates’ Court for the hearing but pleaded guilty to the charge in her absence. That’s handy isn’t it?

Her lawyer, Robin Sellers (he sounds like a wine thief), told the court she was being pursued by photographers when she was caught speeding along the 70mph road.

He said:

“About nine minutes before she was caught she pulled over and in a state of exasperation asked that another enforcement officer could have a word with a couple of members of the paparazzi who were following her.”

So are we right in assuming that all those that were chasing after her have all got points on their licences as well? No. They were all in pursuit at exactly 70mph. Absolutely.

The Deputy District Judge, Ken Goldspring, unsympathetically replied to Price:

“It goes with the territory.”

Thanks to having loads of points on her licence, of course, she’s got previous. The funniest ticket she got was earlier this year she was slapped with three points after she was convicted of not being in proper control of her luxury 7.5 tonne pink horsebox.

Read that back. It’s brilliant. It’s a world we’ll never understand.

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We’ve seen 300, so we know Gerard Butler isn’t a man to mess with. That felt-tip drawn-on sixpack means business, you know.

And because we’ve seen 300, we know that provoking him will lead to one of two outcomes. Either Gerard Butler will tilt his head back and bellow in slow motion for what seems like 45 minutes or he’ll do something so absurdly homoerotic that you’ll need to go home and scrub yourself clean afterwards.

Or – if you’re a photographer – he’ll punch you in the face a couple of times. Because that’s what Gerard Butler has just been charged with allegedly doing.

Gerard Butler is one of our finest actors. He can star in any type of film you like, provided that it’s either a boneheaded action film or a romantic comedy so dire that you’ll want to go home and burn your face off on the kitchen hob afterwards.

Because, really, Gerard Butler has got everything a big movie star needs to succeed – he’s good-looking, charming, able to play one of two almost cartoonishly-defined roles and, most importantly, it looks like he’s quite good at punching photographers in the mouth. oh, he’s an up-and-comer alright. BBC News reports:

Actor Gerard Butler has been charged by Los Angeles prosecutors over a scuffle with a photographer. Butler, 39, faces up to six months in jail if convicted of misdemeanour battery. Los Angeles City Attorney spokesman Frank Mateljan said the incident happened after a premiere party for the film RocknRolla in October.

Well there you go then. Charges dismissed, surely. Gerard Butler was angry after the premiere of a Guy Ritchie movie? That’s just human nature – if we suddenly realised that we’d just starred in a Guy Ritchie movie we wouldn’t just punch the nearest person to us, we’d beat them unconscious with one of our buttocks and then go and kick down an hospital for poorly orphans.

But apparently that isn’t the defence line that Gerard Butler plans to use – his lawyers are saying that the paparazzo in question had stalked him, chased people through the streets and almost killed a pedestrian. If that’s the case, the paparazzi deserved all he got, on the basis that he’s literally Godzilla.

All in all, then, good work from Gerard Butler – you’re just one expensive induction into an embarrassingly bullshit religion away from being a real A-list moviestar now. Not that your alleged paparazzi-attacking technique couldn’t do with a little finessing here and there, you understand. Just to make your own.

You know, like how Pierce Brosnan screams “Get a real fucking job!” before he lunges in for the attack, or how Keanu Reeves favours the slow-motion car-bump. That’s the sort of signature paparazzi-thump that Gerard Butler needs to set himself apart from the crowd. Maybe he should wipe his dirty beard in their faces, or set his new co-star Katherine Heigl on them instead. Anything to stop him constantly being confused with the angry one off Gladiators, anyway.

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So Madonna fell off that horse because a photographer – possibly working for Old Bags On Saddles magazine – spooked it.

And it’s true. It’s true because Madonna’s rep Liz Rosenberg said it was true, and everything she says is true, with the possible exception of most of the things she says. But apparently, according to the incident’s police report, the paparazzi played no part in Madonna’s little topple whatsoever.

It’s a shame, because we assumed that Madonna now hurts herself whenever there’s a photographer around. Oh well, we’ll just have to cancel her photoshoot at the rusty spike factory, we suppose.

The poor paparazzi. Whenever anything bad happens to a celebrity, they’re always the first to get blamed. Honestly, it’s like there’s something about people who spend their lives conspicuously intruding on people’s privacy in the desperate hope that they’ll start crying or get their knickers out that just rubs people up the wrong way. How strange.

And if you believe what you read, it’s not just human beings and Pierce Brosnan who dislike the paparazzi, it’s also horses.

Ever since Sleipnir, the eight-legged horse god from Norse mythology, was snapped drunkenly vandalising a park bench with Quick Draw McGraw, the dim but well-intentioned wild west cartoon sheriff horse, all horses have had it in for the paparazzi. This hatred manifested itself most recently on Saturday when a horse who was carrying Madonna around saw a photographer in the bushes and deliberately flung Madonna from its back, causing her enough distress and injury to be hospitalised.

This definitely happened. Madonna was injured because a paparazzo leapt from the bushes, perhaps dressed as something that horses dislike such as a tub of glue or the Cliff Richard-performed theme tune to the early 1990s BBC horse-based drama Trainer, and spooked the horse she was riding.

Except, according to the police report into Madonna’s fall, the paparazzi didn’t play a part in the accident whatsoever. E! Online reports:

“She was a victim of a fall from a horse. We have no mention of the paparazzi,” Officer Chris Brenner tells E! News. “We got a call that the subject fell off the horse and treated it as an aided case…. Above complainant was a victim of fall from horse. Unknown injury. Bridgehampton Fire Department/ambulance responded and transported to Southampton Hospital,” said Brenner, quoting the police report.

So if the paparazzi didn’t make Madonna fall off her horse, what did? It’s just like a whodunnit, isn’t it, or at least it would be if it wasn’t for the very heavy suspicion that Madonna did it because she’s rubbish at riding horses.

Or maybe Madonna fell off the horse on purpose. After all, if we were Madonna we’d fling ourselves off horses as often as we could, purely because then movie acting would be automatically promoted to the thing we were second-most hopeless at. Smart move, Madonna. Smart move.

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Gisele and Tom Brady are the new Brad and Angelina – which at least means we can ditch the old Brad and Angelina.

But the comparison is apt. Gisele and Tom Brady have got Brad and Angelina’s model good looks, plus they’ve got a kid that’s not completely theirs, plus – and here’s the dealbreaker – they’ve both got a violent hatred for paparazzi.

How violent? Enough for their security guard to allegedly fire a gun at a couple of photographers outside Gisele and Tom Brady’s second wedding ceremony this weekend. Fair enough – God forbid Gisele should ever be photographed actually wearing clothes.

When a professional sportsman like Tom Brady marries a supermodel like Gisele, two things are guaranteed – firstly, any children they have will be preposterously beautiful. And secondly, 97% of their conversations will be about their own hair, with the remaining three percent being used up trying to remember how to pronounce the word ‘hair’.

So if you were either Gisele or Tom Brady, how would you choose to pass the time without looking like a couple of lumbering, medically braindead cackheads? Remember that you can’t have sex, because you’re so stupid that the last time you tried to have sex you spent three hours trying to stick it inside your own ear before giving up and crying. That’s right – you’d pass the time by getting married all the time.

Although Gisele and Tom Brady already got married once in February, this weekend they decided to get married again. But at least Gisele and Tom Brady made the two weddings different – the first was in Malibu, the second was in Costa Rica; the first was small and private, the second was larger; the first didn’t contain any moronic, potentially-fatal gunfire, the second one, um, did.

According to reports, a pair of paparazzi covering the Gisele/ Tom Brady wedding ‘narrowly escaped death’ after a security guard started firing a gun at them. The Telegraph reports:

Security guards for the wedding spotted two paparazzi taking photographs of the nuptials from a bush. The security guards rounded up the men and brought them up to Bundchen’s villa. However, the men refused and decided to make a run for it. They jumped into a waiting SUV, which one of the guards allegedly fired at. They men claim the bullet broke the rear window and bounced off the windshield.

Move over Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie – the best you can do is pay people to choke photographers with their hands, but it takes a special sort of power couple to actually try and mortally wound the paparazzi.

The only real problem left is how Gisele and Tom Brady will be able to top this next time they get married. SPOILER ALERT – we hear they’ve already ordered 15 cagefuls of radioactive death monkeys. As soon as they’ve trained them to drive exploding tanks, wedding number three will be GO!

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You know how Brad Pitt is constantly getting stalked by the paparazzi wherever he goes, much to his clear annoyance?

Well, you’ll never guess what he thinks of them.

In an interview with The Today Show, Brad Pitt has announced that he hates the paparazzi, but he loves his family. Steady on there, Brad – much more of this controversial ‘good things are good and bad things are bad’ talk and there’s a decent chance that you’ll end up literally melting our mind. What? You like your family? That’s literally crazy. Video after the jump.

We’re starting to think that Brad Pitt is a lost cause. The poor man just doesn’t know how to promote a movie. Later this month, Brad’s new film The Curious Case Of Benjamin Button is released, and it looks like it could be one of the best films of the year. Or at least it would be if Brad Pitt could sell the ruddy thing convincingly.

Now, if Angelina Jolie was the star of Benjamin Button it’d be a different story. She’d be rolling out stories of how many weapons her children have and how much she hates Jennifer Aniston and seeing how many babies she could clip onto each tit and the end result would be, well, nobody would watch the movie because it’d be an Angelina Jolie movie and nobody’s that mental, but at least there would be loads of headlines about her. Sometimes that’s enough.

But Brad Pitt? His promotion of Benjamin Button is just wildly dull. It started badly – with a dreary anecdote about his kids – and now it’s inexplicably managed to get worse. Brad Pitt has been interviewed by The Today Show, and the two main thrusts of the outcome are that a) Brad Pitt loves his kids and b) Brad Pitt doesn’t love the paparazzi. First the quotes and then the video:

“I’m really proud of this family. I look at my sons and my daughters – one is from Vietnam, one is from Cambodia, one is from Ethiopia and here are these kids who were born in Namibia and in France, and they’re brothers and sisters… Truly, I feel rich being around them. Each one of them offers so much to the mix.”

“Let me be very blunt, I hate them. I hate these people. I don’t understand how they do that for a living. We have to make a distinction between people who photograph celebrities at events and people who climb over walls wearing camouflage… calling out your kids’ names as you try to take them to school so they’ll look that way. I have no respect for these people. There should be laws against it.”

Really Brad Pitt? You hate the paparazzi? We would have never guessed – all this time we thought you were ordering your security to hug them when they got too close. Hug them hard. By the neck.

Anyway, we can sort of see Brad Pitt’s point here – his family does deserve a base amount of privacy from time to time, if only because it’d keep them out of the poxy magazines once in a while – but come on, you’re promoting a film here! Can’t you dredge up some kind of huge inappropriately personal aspect of your life and endlessly drone on about that instead?

Jesus, it’s almost like Brad Pitt wants his potentially Oscar-winning movie to be judged on its merits or something. That’s literally disgusting.

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Last week on his Glow In The Dark tour, Kanye West decided to visit a grotty nightclub in Newcastle after entertaining thousands of fans.

Did Kanye sip his lemonade without any problems whilst sitting in the corner of the VIP area? Don’t be daft, something went tits up of course.

It seems that Kanye West has a recurring problems with people who like to take people’s pictures. Granted they may get in the way and stop you from doing day-to-day activities such as getting some milk and waiting for a plane, but never mind. In the Tup Tup Palace nightclub – a place that doesn’t exactly scream class – a member of the paparazzi elite got to close to Kanye and ended up getting his face busted up. Was it Kanye’s fault? Of course not, and he’s explained why in a (nother) big pissy blog rant.

We all remember Kanye West getting a bit angry and throwing a Hulk-like strop in an airport a few months ago. Sadly he didn’t turn green and grow into an enormous beast, but instead smashed up a camera and then attempted to do the same to someone filming the whole incident. Silly Kanye. In Newcastle the same thing appeared to have happened again where Kanye West + paparazzi = rubbish fight and pointless conflict.

Thrown into the cells for a night to talk to the local heroin addicts, Kanye West emerged with no charge and sadly won’t have to turn up to Newcastle magistrates court for a hearing and a fine of £30. Not letting the incident lie, he of course had a big cry about the event for his minions to read. No doubt they will side with Kanye and spit at all the haters who diss their homeboy.

Choice quotes from his blog include:

“Let us not forget the paps killed Princess Diana. When will there be a law passed that simply enforces that someone has to ask to take a photograph of you? That would seem like common courtesy. Right now the paps are above the law and the people they shoot are below it.”

“I put my hand up to the camera in self-defence! Here’s what happened…when I left the club, I was encountered by a thirsty paparazzi as usual. He felt he had more rights to my space than me, so I put my hand up to prevent him from taking my image.”

“I didn’t assault him but merely putting my hand up to cover his lens. My security yelled, ‘get the camera off him’. I guess in all the commotion the camera scraped his nose.”

Ok – A) If the photographer was thirsty, why didn’t Kanye West offer him a rum and coke or a good old English pint of imported lager? B) Only Elton John can bang on about Princess Diana. It’s the law. C) Of course he didn’t assault any photographers. Kanye said so.

With this incident happening in Newcastle, it will no doubt go down in Geordie folklaw as one of the major things to have happened in the city alongside inventing Newcastle Brown Ale, Stottie bread, getting electricity a few years ago and finally converting from horse and cart to automobile.

Like many people, we’ve often dreamt of jiggling around flashing lights into Keanu Reeves’ face as he attempts to drive a car.

But we’ve been too scared to do that, because of that paparazzo who claimed that Keanu Reeves mercilessly mowed him down while he was doing that exact same thing. But our days of worry are far behind us, readers – Keanu Reeves has been cleared of liability over the accident.

You know what that means? It means that Keanu Reeves didn’t run over photographer Alison Silva last year, yes, but mainly it means that we’re all allowed to be as infuriatingly intrusive towards Keanu Reeves while he’s in his car as we like, and he almost certainly won’t drive into us as fast as he can, shattering our pelvis into a million pieces. Almost certainly. Result!

It’s best to think of the paparazzi as big game hunters. That way you’ll realise that Lindsay Lohan is a common prey, like a slurring elk that hardly ever wears knickers, while Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are more like elephants because they’re massive and they’ll quite often attack anyone who gets too close to them.

And then there’s Keanu Reeves. Keanu Reeves is more like a mountain lion, for two reasons. One, he’s slippery and hard to track down and, two, he’s never knowingly displayed a recognisable human emotion. But let’s concentrate on the first one for the time being.

Because Keanu Reeves deliberately shuns the limelight as much as possible, the paparazzi can often find themselves getting over-excited in his presence. That’s what happened to photographer Alison Silva last year, when he attempted to grab a picture of Keanu Reeves in his car and ended up splattered across the tarmac.

At the time Silva claimed that Keanu Reeves had run him over, while Reeves himself said that Silva fell over of his own accord because he was so busy over-zealously clicking away into his little camera. With a depressing amount of inevitability the argument went to court, with Silva demanding $640,800 for medical bills and loss of earnings.

But yesterday Keanu Reeves was cleared of any liability in the accident, which means that Alison Silva can go and shove his loss of earnings up his tarmac-destroyed bottom. Reuters reports:

Actor Keanu Reeves was cleared on Monday of any liability for injuries a paparazzo claimed he suffered when he was struck by the actor’s car. A Los Angeles jury deliberated for about an hour in the civil lawsuit brought by photographer Alison Silva against the “Matrix” star before clearing Reeves.

Keanu Reeves hasn’t commented on the result of the case yet, and he really doesn’t need to, because just about everyone on the planet will assume that he’d just blanky murmur “woah,” and that’s probably about three or four times as eloquent as whatever he was planning to say anyway.

And, in time, Alison Silva will come to appreciate the fact that he lost his case. After all, had he won, Keanu Reeves would have taken on more work to recoup his losses, and we’re pretty sure that knowing you were ultimately responsible for Johnny Mneumonic 2 would be far more painful than the injuries you picked up slowly falling over in front of Keanu Reeves’ car.

Sad news- in fact, this is probably the saddest news about one of Jessica Simpson’s hairdressers that we’ve heard in over a month.

We can hardly bring ourselves to tell you this, but here goes – on Saturday night, Jessica Simpson’s hairdresser Ken Paves got caught in the middle of a paparazzi crush while out with Simpson, and ended up bleeding out of his face a little bit because he got socked with a camera.

This incident is a sign that the war between celebrities and the paparazzi has just taken a turn for the worse. Jessica Simpson’s hairdresser getting donked in the face is how it begins, but we dread to think what’ll come next. Lindsay Lohan‘s manicurist getting kicked in the shins? The little old lady who Ryan Seacrest employs to water his plants getting a nasty Chinese burn and a wedgie? Where will the madness end? WHERE?

You know what Jessica Simpson would be without her hair? A bald bloke with big tits, that’s what. That’s why wherever Jessica Simpson goes, she’s followed by Ken Paves.

Ken Paves is the man who not only taught Jessica Simpson that having hair that flicks out wildly like Farah Fawcett‘s Basset Hound operating a Van de Graaff Generator can draw attention away from her massive jaw, but also potentially knows the secret to bulletproof hair. And because of this, Jessica Simpson and Ken Paves have become firm friends.

How firm? Firm enough for Ken to take a camera in the face to protect Jessica. That’s what happened on Saturday night anyway when, following paparazzi scuffles featuring everyone from Pierce Brosnan to Kanye West, Ken Paves was left horribly injured by some photographers. The LA Times reports:

Jess’ mane man was leading his  star client out of the restaurant, when the cameramen closed in… One guy hit Ken near his eye with a part of a camera. Blood trickling down his face, Ken still managed to get Jess inside their waiting ride.

Judging by that account, the injury to Ken Paves seems like it could have been a genuine accident. After all, if you were paid to take photos of the world’s biggest stars, you’d carelessly bundle forward regardless of casualties if you saw the star of Blonde Ambition and one slightly underwhelming country album too, wouldn’t you?

On the other hand, this injury to Ken Paves might have been cruelly premeditated, and for good reason. After all, Ken Paves is responsible for the hair of several Hollywood stars, and if he suddenly got injured, they’d all start going out in public looking bedraggled. That equals better pictures – and therefore more money – for the paparazzi.

It’s true – just look at Britney Spears. The paparazzi made the most cash from Britney Spears when she looked her worst. And why did she look her worst? Because she sacked Ken Paves. And now that Ken has a tiny gash under one of his eyes, we can expect Jessica Simpson to go through a similarly horrifying transformation.

That’s right – she’s going to go from a woman who looks like a radioactive transvestite to a woman who looks like a radioactive transvestite with slightly scruffy hair. How dreadful.

You rarely see paparazzi pictures of Keanu Reeves, and that’s because the paparazzi are terrified of Keanu Reeves squishing them into liquid with his car.

Or it’s because Keanu Reeves is quite private and stuff. One or the other. But photographer Alison Silva probably thinks it’s the first one, because he’s suing Keanu Reeves for allegedly hitting him with his car last year, causing career-threatening injuries to his wrist which, coupled with the fact that he’s got a girl’s name, must have really ticked him off.

But yesterday Keanu Reeves showed up in court to spread some of the trademark Keanu Reeves moviestar razzle dazzle around and convince everyone otherwise. Sadly, the Keanu Reeves version of razzle dazzle involves standing around looking blank-faced and a bit confused and occasionally saying “woah.” We aren’t anticipating a good outcome for him.

There’s a deeply complex relationship between celebrities and the paparazzi. On the one hand the paparazzi financially gain from essentially endorsing the lumbering self-worth of the celebrities they follow and the result in beneficial to everyone. But on the other hand, sometimes Pierce Brosnan will thump a photographer in a car park.

It’s not just Pierce Brosnan, though – every now and again Kanye West will get angry and shove some photographers around too, or maybe Matthew McConaughey will get his surfer mates to rough them up a bit. Or, you know, Keanu Reeves could run them over or something.

Or not, because there’s a chance that Keanu Reeves doesn’t run photographers over. But that hasn’t stopped paparazzo Alison Silva from claiming that he did. Last March it was reported that Keanu Reeves bumped into Silva with his Porsche, and now Silva has sued Keanu for all the injuries and whatnot he gained from slowly falling to the floor in front of a barely-moving vehicle.

The upside of this is that Keanu Reeves got to go to court yesterday to refute Alison Silva’s claims, and it was a rare chance to see Keanu Reeves saying some words that he’d thought up himself, and that therefore didn’t obviously confuse him the instant they came out of his mouth. E! Online reports:

Under cross-examination, Silva’s lawyer, Joseph Farzam, tried to nail down the Matrix man on whether he really made an effort to avoid hitting Silva, asking Reeves if he used his horn or hand signals to get Silva to move. “He was in front of a starting car,” Reeves replied. “It’s common sense to me.”

Keanu’s argument seems to be that Alison Silva was walking backwards while trying to take pictures when he tripped and fell of his own accord. It might have happened. It might not have happened. Frankly that’s not for us to decide – and a good job too, because if it was then we’d probably try sawing our own legs off as a protest to the futility of our own lives.

But we hope that Keanu Reeves is telling the truth. Not because we trust and respect him as an actor and as a human being, but because we’re scared that if he loses this lawsuit he’ll make another Matrix film to recoup his lost money. Because, if the quality pattern of Matrix movies holds, The Matrix 4 will be so bad that watching it will feel like you’re being slapped with the guts of an infected Ebola monkey. So fingers crossed that doesn’t happen.