Take me away and lock me up in the Tower of London, because I bring what is potentially treasonous news. Kate Middleton’s hoo-hah has been photographed in the wild – showing that the paparazzi problems between the Royal family and the rest of us will never end.
You all know the story by now: Wills and Kate were holidaying in France, and a photographer who was seemingly stationed a good couple of miles away and was unable to keep a steady enough hand to get anything like clear images took pictures of her boobs.
Scientists believe that boobs may have evolved in females as a way of indicating to males that they were willing and ready for sex: they’re a front-facing representation of a bottom – a front bottom if you will.
BUT WAIT! You don’t need to talk about scientific, evolutionary front bottoms. Everyone knows what a real front bottom is, and it turns out that the photographer in France managed to get a little more than just some boobs. He got the real front bottom in all its blurry glory.
Nobody is quite sure whether these photos were initially released at the same time as the topless photos and no-one realised, or if they’re new to the world, like a bright shiny baby. Most hilariously of all, even the editor of the Danish magazine (Se Og Hor) which it was claimed published them says that he’s not sure whether he actually did unleash them on the world or not.
That’s right – we’ve got the point where there are so many photos of the future Queen of England out there in the public domain that we actually don’t know which ones are new or which are not anymore. It’s a terrible state of affairs.
But what’s worse is that this really is an invasion of privacy. There’s something to be said in defence of topless photographs. After all, many women – especially in Europe – go about topless on beaches in order to get an all-over tan. Very few get their nether bits out though. That’s too much. There’s no need to know the precise arrangement of the future Queen’s pubic hairs. It’s just a bit weird, and very intrusive.
The editor of Se Og Hor defended himself in the following way:
It’s a set of unique photos from an A-class celebrity. We are a leading gossip magazine in Denmark, and it is my job to publish them … If the British royal family want to sue us, then it will happen then and we’ll deal with it.
I’m sorry, I don’t buy it. I don’t think it’s a person’s job to publish pictures of a vagina, unless your name is Larry Flynt. And I know the Danish are a bit kinky, but still…