Did you hear the one about Rihanna being romantically linked to Ashton Kutcher? If you didn’t, you’ve not been reading hecklerspray and, frankly, we hate you for that. There has been reports that the two were knocking their uglies together though.
A dreadful, honking notion, don’t you think?
Well, it seems RiRi isn’t letting The Kutch part her lips with his long, coyote-esque peen which is great news for Demi Moore who looked for all the world like she was going to top herself over the whole thing. So what does Ri have to say about it all?
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In what universe is it okay to see Ashton Kutcher and Rihanna in a relationship? Just how did we smite thee god, to end up with such a repugnant pair, followed closely by a broken Demi Moore?
This is what is happening according to reports and rumours.
The vapid Kutch is rumoured to be having a thing with the odious, wearisome faux-nymph Rihanna, which of course, is ruining Demi Moore who has been looking rather unhinged and fragile since Bruce Willis left her some time in 4,000BC.
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He’s littered film, blighted television, ruined Demi Moore’s life and now Ashton Kutcher is ready to spoil the impossible, empty beauty of space by flying there in a special space-plane. What a berk.
The Two and a Half Men star has officially signed up to go into space with Virgin Galactic’s billionaire founder, Richard Branson.
It is thought that Branson secretly plans to eject Kutcher into the deep, dark void and watch him explode among the hanging orbs, waiting for Alien to come and stick its tail straight through his massive neck. Stephen Hawking will watch from a circling ‘spectator drone’.
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If you’ve been keeping an eye on Demi Moore, then you’ll agree that she’s looked pretty unhinged since Bruce Willis left her engineering miracle of an arse. Dead behind the eyes, motionless face and of course, willingly humping Ashton Kutcher.
Recently, she had a breakdown of sorts and went to rehab after taking some recreationals in the fallout of Kutch having sex with a young woman in a hot tub. On his wedding anniversary to Demi.
So, while no-one really cares whether Moore pulls out of this funk, we have to show vague, condescending concern about her because that’s what gossip rags are supposed to do. The honest among you will be tickled pink at the notion that she’s still completely fucking insane thanks to the rumour that she is gulpingly desperate to get Ashton back. Drugs eh?
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Thanks to being a bit ugly and getting his chap out in Shame, Michael Fassbender is definitely the latest hipster flame, leaving twitter frigging itself red raw over the very mention of his name. Move over James Franco – there’s a new alt. pin-up in town.
Fassbender not only has a funny surname, but he almost saw his hipster credentials rocket last night as he won a grand total of zero Oscars, leaving the actor delighted that his newly found cool status remains untouched.
Much like the gussets of his many adoring ladyfans.
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Gerard Butler and his nose have ‘returned home and is in good health’ following his visit to rehab, where he was apparently getting treatment for substance abuse issues… not that anyone actually knew he’d gone to rehab.
Or even vaguely cared for that matter.
Being a celeb, he didn’t go to any old rehab. He went to the most famous one - the Betty Ford Clinic in California. Apparently, he became overly reliant on perscription drugs, which, if we’re being honest, is the lamest addiction you can have. Heroin is fine, but medicine? That’s wimpish! It’s like getting hooked on Rennie!
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Even though she’s apparently holed-up in some rehab or other, whacked off laughing gas and a potential eating disorder, that doesn’t mean Demi Moore hasn’t got the time to be a raving, controlling lunatic as well.
See, even though she wasn’t ever going to attend any Oscar parties this year, that didn’t stop her from reportedly banning Cameron Diaz from Madonna’s annual Oscars soiree.
And why on Earth would she want to ban Cameron Diaz from a party she’s not attending? Well, ladies and gentleladies, it is all based around jealousy.
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If you’ve enjoyed any film with Adam Sandler in, then frankly, you should be taken to a public square so we can watch your limbs get quartered by horses. What’s left should be chopped up, with the chunks kicked around and mocked by decent, righteous civilians.
And we’re not the only people who have noticed how unswervingly dismal Sandler is.
Impressively, Sandler has got himself a record number of nominations at the Razzies – an awards show that is there to single out the worst films of the year – with an whopping ELEVEN nods.
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