What Beyoncé is to music, Meryl Streep is to film: the motherfucking Queen. So bow down, bitches, because Meryl just got nominated for the EIGHTEENTH time! Home girl has not only broken the nominations record, she’s shattered it, taken the broken pieces, melted them down, and had them made into an honorary Oscar for being the top bitch in Hollywood.
Do I think Meryl will pick up her fourth Oscar? No, probably not. Not that she doesn’t deserve it, because let’s face it, Meryl Streep could do a guest spot on Criminal Minds and it’d probably be Oscar worthy, but if they gave Meryl the Oscar every time she deserved it all other actresses would basically give up. That’s why they space out her Oscars, you know?
I’ve been predicting Oscar winners since I was about 12. In high school, I had a teacher who bet me $10 I couldn’t pick who’d win Best Picture, Director, Actress, Actor, and Supporting before any of the awards shows had aired (as they tend to give you a heads up). Needless to say, that teacher ended up paying for five McChickens for me (god bless twoonie Tuesdays!). All in all, I always have a pretty strong opinion about this shit (I’m tragic like that) and I consider myself pretty good at calling this shit. For instance, I’ve been telling people since months before it came out that Jonah Hill would be nominated for The Wolf of Wall Street, and when he didn’t get nominated for any other big awards people were all like “Ohhhh, Krysta finally got one wrong.” NOW WHO IS WRONG, DICK FACES?! Jonah got that nomination! BAM!
Anyway, enough about that, let’s look at who’s nominated, who’s probably going to win, shall we?
First, let’s start with Best Supporting Actor. We obviously had Jonah, who I really think deserves the nomination, but not the award, which is fine since he won’t get it. We also have Barkhad Abdi for Captain Phillips, a movie I give none of the fucks about, Bradley Cooper and his amazing perm for American Hustle, that hot piece Michael Fassbender for 12 Years a Slave, and Jared Leto for Dallas Buyers Club. Jared and his stunning ban bun won the Golden Globe and my money is on him winning the Oscar as well. Playing a tranny or an AIDs patient alone would’ve got him an Oscar, but playing a tranny WITH AIDs?! That has Oscar written all over it!
Plus, Jared went through a huge physically transformation for this role and the Academy loves when hot bitches fuck with their looks. To be fair, I’ll be glad if Jared Leto wins. He’s been in the game for over 20 years and he’s done some solid work and has been overlooked a lot. It’s about time a great performance of his got the recognition it deserved (he never won an Emmy OR a Golden Globe for playing Jordan Catalano which is total bullshit!)
Next we have Best Supporting Actress, starring future Meryl, Jennifer Lawrence. This girl is only 23-years-old and she’s already on her THIRD Oscar nomination (she won Best Actress last year). Going up against her is Lupita Nyong’o, who OWNED the red carpet at the Golden Globes, for 12 Years a Slave, my arch nemesis, Julia Roberts, for August: Osage County, Sally Hawkins for Blue Jasmine, and June Squibb for Nebraska. People are apparently super pissed that Oprah didn’t get a nod for her performance in The Butler, and I’m sure Oprah is crying into her billions of dollars all upset about that shit.
Even though Jennifer Lawrence won the Golden Globe, my money is on Lupita Nyong’o for this one since every critic and blogger in the English speaking world has been going on about how her performance is basically the best thing you’ll ever see EVER. It’d be cool for J.Law to win an Oscar back-to-back, but I really think Lupita has got this.
Moving on to Best Actor. We’ve got the king of transforming his body, Christian Bale, for American Hustle. He won’t win because even though the Academy loves a full body transformation, Bale pulls that shit in literally every single one of his movies. No one cares anymore. Then we have Bruce Dern for Nebraska (not happening) and Chiwetel Ejiofor for 12 Years a Slave (I highly doubt it). Let’s be real, it’s going to come down to Matthew McConaughey’s sentimental AIDs transformation in Dallas Buyers Club, and Leonardo DiCaprio’s coked out, money and hooker obsessed asshole in Charlie Sheen: The True Story. Oh no wait, I mean The Wolf of Wall Street. My bad.
I’d say it was a toss up, but deep down I think this is gonna go to Matthew. As fantastic as Leo was, I’ve always had this sneaking suspicion that the Academy had something against him. Like they think he’s too cocky or something, I don’t know. Either way, this has been a big year for McConaughey, who started out as promising, got stuck in terrible romantic comedy roles, and now is back in a big way! I think he’ll take it and I hope his Oscar acceptance speech will be even more ridiculous than his Golden Globes. Also, I cannot fucking believe that Oscar Isaac (Inside Llewyn Davis) and Joaquin Phoenix (Her) weren’t nominated for this award. Fuck me gently with a chainsaw, that shit is FOOLISH.
The nominations for Best Actress are Amy Adams for American Hustle (one of those movies where everyone gets a nod, but no one wins), Judi Dench for Philomena (they always throw her a nod out of respect), Sandra Bullock for Gravity (No. Just no.), Meryl “Duh” Streep for August: Osage County, and, the obvious winner, Cate Blanchett for Blue Jasmine.
Woody Allen has created some of my favorite female characters and, aside from his creepy personal life, I actually think he really gets women. He created a fantastic character here and Cate Blanchett brought that character to life perfectly and I have no doubt in my mind she’ll walk away with her second Oscar for this performance.
For Best Director we have: Alfonso Cuarón (Gravity), Steve McQueen (12 Years a Slave), Alexander Payne (Nebraska), David O. Russell (American Hustle), and Martin Scorsese (The Wolf of Wall Street). Alfonso won the Globe, but I think David O. is gonna shake this up and take the Oscar. In case you haven’t noticed, I have a vendetta against Gravity. Both the film and the actual thing that prevents me from floating around.
FINALLY, we have best picture! 12 Years a Slave, American Hustle, Captain Phillips, Dallas Buyers Club, Gravity, Her, Nebraska, Philomena, and The Wolf of Wall Street. What I’d like to win? Her. What I think will win? American Hustle. Some say it’ll be 12 Years a Slave, but I think that film got too much hype too soon and now people are over it. It sucks, but it happens. Hype isn’t always a good thing.
At the end of the day, I honestly don’t give a fuck who wins any of this shit just as long as Frozen wins Best Animated Film. That little snowman warms my disgruntled little heart. Fuck it, let’s start a write in campaign: OLAF FOR BEST ACTOR! I love that little guy!Get this guy a spin-off, AM I RIGHT?!