Louis Walsh. He’s been on the brink of a nervous breakdown since the last series of The X Factor when he got spectacularly angry about the existence of the film, Gummo. We’ve assumed that he’s been going under thanks to working with Jedward.
That or some suffocating closeting he’s imposed on himself surrounding rumours of his sexuality.
And the latest Louis Walsh’s Brain Is About To Completely Capsize tale surrounds his wanting to end his life. Suicide, obviously, is utterly hilarious and should be mocked at every noose, pill bottle and 2 bar heater dropped in the bath water.
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Louis Walsh was recently accused of indecent assault in a nightclub toilets in Dublin. That’s great isn’t it? All indecent assaults seem to take place in toilets. It must be something to do with the wonderful bouquet given off by urinal cakes.
Anyway, some fella has said that Walsh went for his groin and it was all very distressing for him, more distressing when you consider how much money could be made from accusing a celebrity of such a thing, especially one that everyone assumes to be a homosexual.
However, the case against Louis has been dropped, following an investigation into the alleged incident. Legally speaking, the man’s genitalia didn’t at all remind Walsh of a ‘young Lenny Henry’.
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Louis Walsh, of X Factor and impresario behind Westlife and Boyzone, is a man much mocked. Firstly, he’s mocked for his terrible taste in music. Secondly, he’s quite clearly in the middle of very long nervous breakdown. Thirdly, everyone likes to point at him and say ‘gay’.
Now, with a combination of the stresses of fame, the assumed mental illness and his presumed closeting himself, it is surprising that someone hasn’t alleged that Walsh has touched them inappropriately before.
But now they have! Hurray! And better yet, it has allegedly happened in the toilets of a nightclub, which is textbook tabloid scandal fodder.
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Blonde thingy Paris Hilton and boyfriend Benji Madden are being investigated by police for an alleged hit and run, according to The Sun.
They are accused of driving over photographer Glen Gurniak’s foot as they left a club in Los Angeles Thursday.
Gurniak was left grounded, squealing in pain, as if he were nothing more than a piece of disposable paparazzi trash.
However, he soon got up to file a police report against them with the Los Angeles Sheriff’s Department. Spokesman Steve Witmore said:
“The incident is currently under investigation.”
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When you have the working abilities and intelligence of a corpse, you’ll have to take any opportunity at making a bit of cash.
This is exactly what the world’s biggest waste of skin and bone has done. Known as Paris Hilton, to her folks, we regard her as a bad smell. Just like the fumes given off from a good dump, she is something that lingers around for what seems forever and just doesn’t go away.
Some people however disagree and oddly want to welcome pointless things in to their domain. A trendy nightclub in London reportedly wanted Paris and her other half to appear at their club so much that they paid her £70k to do so. Sadly though, she wasn’t placed in a cage in the centre of the room so people could throw peanuts and shout obscenities at her.
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Although Tara Reid's post-American Pie career has hinted at invincibility – full of non-stop partying punctuated by morale-sapping cameos on Scrubs – her recent Bali trip has proved that she's only human.
You see, Tara Reid has become the latest almost perfectly sober young woman to fall foul of Bali's notoriously uneven nightclub flooring. Reports suggest that after only 'a couple of drinks' at a Bali nightspot earlier this week, Tara Reid 'lost her footing' and fell hard enough to be hospitalised. Luckily the accident wasn't serious enough to postpone the release of Tara Reid's newest movie Land of Canaan, which will still be coming to a low-rent cut-price barely-watched digital movies on demand service near you next year.
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Diddy is a man of refined taste and sophisticated needs in all walks of life, so when Diddy leathers a bloke in a nightclub while screaming "I'll kill you, punk" it has to be an especially upmarket nightclub.
Also it helps if the bloke he leathers is so fiercely against pressing charges that he stops cooperating with police and changes his story about so often that the police have no option but to drop all charges against Diddy. Which, as luck would have it, has just happened. Although he was arrested last month for apparently punching a friend of his whose ex-girlfriend he's currently dating, Diddy has escaped from the ensuing investigation scot free. Hooray – Diddy lives to impassively mumble over an insultingly obvious Sting sample for another day.
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