Louis Walsh was recently accused of indecent assault in a nightclub toilets in Dublin. That’s great isn’t it? All indecent assaults seem to take place in toilets. It must be something to do with the wonderful bouquet given off by urinal cakes.
Anyway, some fella has said that Walsh went for his groin and it was all very distressing for him, more distressing when you consider how much money could be made from accusing a celebrity of such a thing, especially one that everyone assumes to be a homosexual.
However, the case against Louis has been dropped, following an investigation into the alleged incident. Legally speaking, the man’s genitalia didn’t at all remind Walsh of a ‘young Lenny Henry’.
Basically, if you missed the story, a 24-year old man said that the X Factor judge “molested him” in a nightclub toilet. However, the cheeky wag has now been arrested by the Gardai on suspicion of knowingly making a false report to the police.
Walsh, looking confused and simple, says:
“I have been informed by An Garda S?och?na that I am now no longer under investigation. I have robustly maintained from the outset that this alleged incident did not occur.”
“While I obviously welcome today's confirmation from the Garda that the matter has been dropped I remain outraged that this story ran in the first place in The Sun and I have instructed my libel lawyer to vigorously pursue legal action against the paper.”
Damn. We wanted to make jokes about the lad in question enjoying it. Don’t take legal action against us Louis. We write jokes, not news stories. Okay?
“I have no intention of letting this matter rest until I have received total and absolute vindication. This has been a hugely distressing time for me but I would like to thank all my friends and colleagues for their support and I am now just looking forward to getting back to work.”
Christ. Calm down lad.
Speaking of the incident, a source added:
“Louis has been living under a cloud ? it has been a nightmare and he has been in tears.”
In tears? Bloody hell Louis, that sounds stereotypically [joke removed under advice from hecklerspray‘s lawyers]
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