Look, we’re almost certainly not going to pay to see Bangkok Dangerous at the cinema. And what’s more, we really don’t care about it enough to do any research on it at all. So here’s what we know about Bangkok Dangerous, just from watching the trailer.

PLOT – Bangkok Dangerous is a remake of Leaving Las Vegas where, rather than drinking himself to death, Nicolas Cage goes to Thailand determined to say the words “holiday” and “banking” to the locals in such a patronisingly oversimplistic way that they get offended and shoot him.

CHARACTERS – Nicolas Cage. Just Nicolas Cage. Playing Nicolas Cage. Other characters might appear from time to time, but only so that Nicolas Cage can either a) punch them, kick them, explode them, riddle them with machinegun fire or make them go “Ugh!” in a bathroom really quickly, or b) tenderly touch their hands if they’re a woman.

THEME – Nicolas Cage’s four rules – ‘don’t ask questions’, ‘there is no right and wrong’, ‘don’t take an interest in people outside of work’ and ‘know when to get out’ – seem to be the theme of Bangkok Dangerous. However, he actually has five rules – the final one is ‘a common bathtub easily provides adequate protection to shied you from an exploding house’. Another theme is unquestionably crap hair – a motif that runs through Nicolas Cage’s entire canon.