Want to know a fact? Nicolas Cage is the greatest person to have ever walked the face of the Earth.
Want to know another fact? It’s a very quiet news day. So quiet, in fact, that this is a story about Nicolas Cage switching on the Christmas lights in Bath last night. No, no, we’re selling this short. This is actually a story about Nicolas Cage – a man so AWESOME that he once made a film about a superhero who SETS HIS HEAD ON FIRE AND SOLVES CRIMES – bringing an unparalleled sense of joy to the lives of an entire city.
We envy you, Bath. We really do.
If you need us this weekend, we’ll be in Bath High Street, rolling around trying to pick up some stray fragments of Nicolas Cage DNA so that we can put it in a rocket, fire it into the sun, create a nuclear-powered Nicolas Cage clone and have sex with it until one of us dies. Don’t try and copy our idea. We thought of it first, and there’s only so much Cage DNA to go around. IT’S OUR IDEA.
We need to get their soon, you see, because last night Nicolas Cage switched on the Christmas lights in Bath and the sooner we can get there, the sooner we can soak up the ambience of a true Hollywood demi-god. A man who named his child after Superman just because he quite likes Superman. A man constantly ready to protect his home against naked intruders. A man who’ll sue you for suggesting that he steals dogs. A man who once paid quarter of a million dollars for a dinosaur skull just so Leonardo DiCaprio couldn’t have it. An angel among men. A colossus. A COLOSSUS.
It doesn’t matter why Nicolas Cage decided to switch on the Bath Christmas lights – although, if you must know, a resident wrote him a note and popped it through the letterbox of his Bath castle – because all that matters is that thousands of people were able to witness the spine-tingling oratory skills of a man who single-handedly brought household phrases like “How’d it get burned? How’d it get burned? HOW’D IT GET BURNED? HOW’D IT GET BURNED?” and “Wha! Wha! Not the bees! Not the bees! Arrrgh! My eyes! My eyes! Arrrgh! Arrrghurbhb!” into the everyday lexicon.
And, by God, Nicolas Cage didn’t disappoint. Here’s his speech, in full:
“My friends! I love you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you CITIZENS OF BATH. Citizens of SOMERSET. For your kindness, your graciousness in welcoming me to your beautiful community. I love Bath. I’m happy in Bath. And I want to wish you all prosperity in the new year, not just in your work but also in the love you share with your families, and I’m feeling kind of ELECTRIC right now, I have to say, how about you? I can feel electricity running down my right arm. I gotta… I gotta… SWITCH something here. I can FEEL IT!”
If Bath has any dignity, this will be the last time that anyone switches on its Christmas lights. Nobody will ever, ever be able to do better than Nicolas Cage, so there’s no point carrying on. In fact, all Christmas lights should be banned from now on, because their wimpy glow can’t help but look cheap and pathetic next to the other-worldly luminescence of Nicolas Cage. In fact, we should ban Christmas altogether. History will see last night’s Nicolas Cage speech as the pinnacle of festive human achievement, so why don’t we all just quit while we’re ahead?
Or, better yet, let’s move Christmas to January 7 – Nicolas Cage’s birthday – and rename it Nicolascagemus. It makes sense. IT MAKES SENSE. We can give each other presents and children could act out plays depicting the magnificent circumstances of Nicolas Cage’s birth. You’d watch that, wouldn’t you? OF COURSE YOU WOULD. There, it’s settled.
God, we love Nicolas Cage. We wish we were joking.
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Francesca says
I was THERE!
megan says
i wish you were joking, too.
Imyourdeath says
If you were joking go to hell asshole!
Mick Kendricks says
Mr. Heritage,
Just so you know, Orthodox Christmas (also known as little Christmas) IS on Nic’s birthday usually.
I don’t understand the scathing rants you guys are putting forth. You’re not original, this has been going on for some time now. Bash Nicholas here, bash him there, for a few years now. But the fact that you’d do this right after his Dad dropped dead of a massive heart attack and can’t let a guy grieve without bashing is sicko stuff. You and your free association thinking is waaaaayyyyy out of line. How ’bout some silence during the grieving period over these holidays. I can’t believe you’d write this crap right after the first Thanksgiving without his Dad.
Dan says
Surely you know what to expect from this website. Why do you continue to visit and reads its articles? You are as bad as one of those nutty Twighlight fans comming to the rescue of “Rpatz”. Move along there is plenty of other things to oggle on the interweb.
shooty* says
Pfft. Lightweight. In Solihull, we had Spongebob Squarepants.
And powercuts. Lots and lots of powercuts, which made the whole “switching the lights on” thing a thrill packed, Russian roulette of an experience. Will the lights go on? Will the power to the merry-go-round pack in again? And then, finally: “Those lights are rubbish. They cost HOW much???!?!”
sexy female says
I met Nicolas Cage once in the USA i was on the set of one of his films and he is a beautiful person inside and out. he truly is. I was very impressed by his humbleness, his talent, his professionalism, and his kindness towards people. I found him to be a man of class and talent.