The organisers of Hard Rock Calling, that sort of festival like thing that happens in Hyde Park every summer that isn’t the O2 Wireless festival, have decided that former Fall Out Boy bassist and pioneer of the musical equivalent of object dá, Pete Wentz, is a suitable choice for a battle of the bands judge.

Right? RIGHT?

If you’re lucky enough to have forgotten the mid noughties, here’s a crash course in all things Pete Wentz:

• He was in an emo band called Fall Out Boy who got big on the back of the success of auditory assassins My Chemical Romance.
• He had/has a stupid fringe and a fondness for guyliner.
• He was once caught doing an Ashley Cole after a fan posted a picture of his tattooed tallywhacker on the internet and…
• He’s married to Ashlee Simpson, a woman so pathetic she continues to live in the shadow of America’s answer to Kerry Katona, her older sister Jessica Simpson.

That’s right, at one point in time, Pete Wentz was related by marriage to Nick Lachey.

ROCKNFUGGINROLL!

The heats Wentz will be judging are taking place in Hard Rock Cafes all over the world, because being alternative and sticking it to the man is like totally all about being a shameless corporate whore nowadays, duh!

The budding bands that Wentz will cast his three eyes over are battling it out to see who gets to take to the stage in Hyde Park, in front of literally some people, and belt out their best Aerosmith covers as bottles of piss whip past their heads and rain pours down on them from the cold, grey London skies.

We here at hecklerspray aren’t really ones for nurturing talent, we prefer to call people names and giggle amongst ourselves, but even so we can’t honestly see what would make anyone desperate enough to have Pete Wentz, a man so incredibly annoying and pointless that even Bono thinks it’s a bit much, judge their musical ability. Unless they’re still about 12 years old and think that Wentz is OMG LIKE SO TOTALLY BUFF YEH!

Anyway, congratulations Hard Rock Calling, whatever credibility you had left after changing your name to that of an overpriced theme restaurant has just evaporated.

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Why, God, why? It was bad enough that you split Jon and Kate up. But Nick Lachey and Vanessa Minnillo too? You sick omniscient sod.

Nick Lachey and Vanessa Minnillo were our favourite celebrity couple. We loved how we could never work out what either of them did, and how they’d probably spend entire months awkwardly staring at each other in total silence because they’d both forgotten the word for ‘hello’. But no more – Nick Lachey and Vanessa Minnillo have split up.

Why? Perhaps they just forgot that the other one existed. We do that all the time with them.

If you like sobbing, red-eyed confessional ballads that literally couldn’t be any more forgettable if they concussed you with a mallet as soon as they finish, we’ve got some really terrific news. Everyone knows how much Nick Lachey likes to commemorate romantic splits with jaw-droppingly hapless concept albums about heartbreak, right?

Well expect a doozy of a blub any minute now, because it’s been reported that Nick Lachey has split up with Vanessa Minnillo, the woman famous for… no, it’s gone. We’ll get back to you on that one.

It’s especially sad because, as far as we were concerned, Nick Lachey and Vanessa Minnillo were the perfect celebrity couple. They had it all – bland good looks, annoyingly decent hair, hardcore sex photos, the overwhelming impression that they never spoke during meals because chewing used up their entire brain capacity, nice clothes – which just makes informing you of the Nick Lachey/ Vanessa Minnillo split even harder. That’s why we’ve decided to let People do it for us:

“They have amicably split but remain good friends who still greatly care for one another,” Minnillo’s rep tells PEOPLE of the couple, who began dating in 2006. The split comes after a rash of breakup rumors and reports, which were shot down. Earlier this month Minnillo told PEOPLE that she and Lachey were “very much still on.”

One of those breakup rumours involved Vanessa Minnillo falling for Matt Lanter from Disaster Movie. If that’s true, then it must have been one hell of a breakup conversation:

Vanessa Minnillo: Nick, this isn’t going to be easy. I’ve fallen in love with Matt Lanter from Disaster Movie.

Nick Lachey: What? But why? I don’t understand. Was it me? What did I do?

Vanessa Minnillo: Oh, don’t you see Nick? He’s… he’s just… look Nick, Matt Lanter from Disaster Movie is less famous than you’ll ever be.

Nick Lachey: How can you even say that? I’m Nick Lachey! I’m the least famous man in the world!

Vanessa Minnillo: You’re not, Nick, not any more. Remember that time we went to your cousin’s wedding and one of your parents remembered what your name was? That would never happen to Matt Lanter from Disaster Movie, Nick. That’s how completely obscure he is.

Nick Lachey: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

But still, as sad as all of this is, at least Nick Lachey won’t face any accusations that his relationship with Vanessa Minnillo was all a sham, like he did when his marriage to Jessica Simpson collapsed. True, that’s because the vast majority of people don’t really care if either Nick Lachey or Vanessa Minnillo live or die, but beggers can’t be choosers, can they?

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You know it’s over, don’t you? The diseased entity of reality TV has come to an end, because there is nothing new that can be done.

All reality show topics have been covered, asphyxiated, beaten to a bloody, lifeless pulp and thrown into the East River. Oh, wait. That’s just the blissful recurring dream we keep having. Yeah, no, the reality TV thing is pumping out more hopeless poppycock than ever. Today’s proof of that is the new reality series Nick Lachey has in the works for MTV. It’s pretty much High School Musical with artsy musical type kids spontaneously bursting into song and dance in real life.

So, yeah, essentially your worst nightmare comes roaring to life.

Nick Lachey? More like Nick Cliché! Haha… ha… ha. Ahem. But seriously folks, the man really seems to have burrowed nicely into the rotting abscess of the entertainment world that is reality television. And who can blame him, what with the happiness and success his first show with then-wife Jessica Simpson, Newlyweds, that chronicled their new marriage, and arguably the demise of their relationship. So, of course Nick wanted more of that good stuff. But where to go from there?

Well, we didn’t think it could be done, but Nick Lachey has come along to prove us wrong just like he always does when it comes to discovering new creative selling-out-edness (what? It’s a word). He's come up with a reality TV show that hasn't been done yet. And since there aren’t any original ideas for reality shows left, so people are combining different things to come up with new ones, like Are You Smarter than a Survivor Apprentice Dancing with Pussycat Idols on the Surreal Ice.

Thus, Nick Lachey's new show is a hybrid of High School Musical meets Laguna Beach, meets True Life. The show will follow students at Nick Lachey's former high school, The School for Creative and Performing Arts in Cincinnati. MTV executive VP of series development and programming, Tony DiSanto, made the following statement about the show. It's got us jazzed as heck, folks:

"The stories and relationships are all set to music that's organic in what's going on in the school and also performed by the kids… This is a genre-busting, creative experiment I'm really excited about."

So, expect lots of musical performances and impromptu dance-offs in the show. Throw in a little disco dance fighting and we might be persuaded to check it out. Or not. We firmly stand by our belief that reality shows should involve only vicious animal attacks, 1,000 lb people being lifted from houses by cranes, and anything hosted by that wacky Bob Saget. Those are the only real reality shows.

Holla with us, people.

Read more: 

Nick Lachey's High School Musical - E! Online

To be in a relationship with Jessica Simpson isn't just to admit to a perverse life-long infatuation with bright orange, massive-jawed women, you know.

By the looks of it, as soon as your penis gets anywhere near to Jessica Simpson, Cosmopolitan magazine lobs a Fun Fearless Male award at you too.

Yesterday's Fun Fearless Male award luncheon in New York was attended by John Mayer (who did it with Jessica Simpson), Tony Romo (who's doing it with Jessica Simpson) and Dane Cook (who might have done it with Jessica Simpson). Factor in the fact that last year's winner was Jessica Simpson's ex-husband Nick Lachey and you may as well rename the caboodle The Fun, Fearless And Suddenly Quite Paranoid About The Size Of Their Penis awards.

Everyone, at some point in their lives, has to deal with the crushingly awkward situation of running into an old flame and being forced to make clumsily stilted conversation with their new partner. It's horrible – small-talk is difficult at the best of times without your entire brain refusing to move on from shrieking "I bet he's better at sex than you!" at full volume – which is why sometimes it's better just to have a massive punch-up like Kid Rock and Tommy Lee did that time. Rather that than let the voices in your head win, we say.

But sometimes the situation is unavoidable. Like, for instance, if you ever sleep with Jessica Simpson there's a good chance that you'll eventually run into another man who's slept with Jessica Simpson. Because, you know, Jessica Simpson is a total whore.

Oh, we're just kidding – Jessica Simpson isn't a whore. She just sleeps exclusively with men who identically fit the profile of a Cosmopolitan magazine Fun Fearless Male, which can get a little awkward come the annual Cosmopolitan Fun Fearless Male luncheon. USA Today reports:

Cosmo bestowed its Fun Fearless Male of the Year title to Simpson's ex, singer John Mayer, and some of his fellow honorees could have been straight from her little black book: Dallas Cowboys quarterback and current Simpson squeeze Tony Romo and Dukes of Hazzard co-star Dane Cook, whom tabloids linked to her. Last year, Simpson's ex-husband, Nick Lachey, received top honors at the same ceremony… "I haven't hooked up with Jessica Simpson, but I'm honored," said rapper/actor Common when it was his turn to accept an award.

Not only that, but the founder of MySpace also won a Fun Fearless Male award, and he's helping Jessica Simpson go to Kuwait to perform soon. So why has everyone who Jessica Simpson ever been romantically involved with received a Fun Fearless Male award? Well, we don't know about the 'fun' part but you're sure to be pretty fearless after spending a few months waking up in the night, seeing Jessica Simpson's silhouetted jawline and thinking that a giant robot Tyrannosaurus had come from the future to bite you in half. 

And Jessica Simpson should be pleased about this, too – her career might be constantly hitting ever-lower depths, but at least she knows that she's got a decent taste in men. Or that men are sucking all her talent out of her vagina with their penises. Could be either, all said.

Read more:

'Cosmo' men joke about Jessica Simpson thread - USA Today 

As we all know, the day that Nick Lachey and Vanessa Minnillo get married will be the day that global warming reverses, all wars stop and mankind lives peacefully under its new kind-hearted demi-god rulers.

Either that or MTV will just cynically lob out a crappy spoon-fed reality TV show about all the zany, slightly staged-looking shenanigans that Nick Lachey and Vanessa Minnillo get up to. One or the other. We can't remember which. Anyway, that doesn't matter for now, because Nick Lachey and Vanessa Minnillo aren't married despite a flurry of rumours that their wedding was due to take place this weekend. But, hey, let's not get too downhearted because Nick Lachey and Vanessa Minnillo didn't get married – we're not so much losing a wedding here as mercifully gaining another week without seeing Nick and Vanessa gurning out from the cover of an OK! magazine wedding special like a couple of wrong morons.

Nick Lachey and Vanessa Minnillo really are the golden couple of blaringly-pointless celebrities who nobody would really miss if they both just vanished off the face of the earth, not even their own parents. Both, at best, are famous by association – Nick Lachey through his marriage to Jessica Simpson and Vanessa Minnillo because of… oh, who the hell knows why Vanessa Minnillo is famous. We don't, and we do this kind of nonsense for a living.

Anyway, aside from a brief moment when they were photographed doing each other up the bum in a swimming pool, Nick Lachey and Vanessa Minnillo have done approximately zero interesting things ever together, but all that was supposed to change this weekend, when Fox reported that the pair of them were going to get married in The Bahamas.

According to their report, Vanessa Minnillo's entourage turned up at a tropical hotel on Friday in preparation of what would surely be the wedding of the year, discounting ever other wedding that's taken place this year. But, as it turns out, the whole report was a crock of crap and Nick Lachey and Vanessa Minnillo didn't get married at all. Nick Lachey's slave denied the rumours outright, saying:

"Not true. Fox is making it up. Nick is in Cincinnati working on the choir show for NBC and a show he is producing for MTV. Fox.com should stick to news."

Ah yes, the choir show. Nick Lachey couldn't get married this weekend, you see, because he's got something to do with the US version of the bewilderingly awful-sounding Choir Wars. And Vanessa Minnillo couldn't find the time in her busy schedule to get married either, because she was busy in Los Angeles having conversations with blank-eyed dolls or trying to count all of her toes at once or something. To be honest we haven't been bothered enough to find out.

Still, though, no Nick Lachey and Vanessa Minnillo wedding means no awful reality TV show about the both of them yet – although if that's something you really wanted to see then you could probably cobble together a fairly accurate substitution by changing TV stations really quickly between a hardcore anal pornography movie and the CCTV feed from your local hospice for the terminally simple.

Read more:

Saint Nick Bringing Ring for Vanessa? Um, Not If You Ask Them… – E! Online