I’ll be honest, I wasn’t sure a wedding day would ever come for Jessica Simpson with her baby daddy/fiancé Eric Johnson. In case buying her own engagement ring wasn’t enough of a rocky start, they’ve thrown in having a couple of babies (adorable babies, mind you), and have let a few years go by with no movement forward.
But gold digging wannabe men everywhere, don’t lose hope! The day finally arrived, Eric Johnson has secured himself a lifetime of spousal support, and Jessica can go back to pretending she didn’t peak during his marriage to Nick Lachey.
Do you all remember a time when Jessica Simpson was a singer? That making music was what she was known for? I almost didn’t, but then I recently watched an old Aladdin dvd and saw a video at the end with Jessica singing “A Whole New World” with ex-hubby Nick, and I was like, “Oh yea! THAT’S why she’s famous!” It was also deliciously awkward to see them all googly-eyed at each other, knowing what we know how about how it all ended.
Now, Jessica’s fame is all about her weight, her TJ Maxx pumps, and whether or not she’d ever actually walk down the aisle with her kept man. She and Eric Johnson, who used to play football but now just plays sperm donor and visual ass candy for Papa Joe Simpson, have been engaged for over 3 years. It’s a not so well-kept secret that Simpson handed over her card to Johnson and said, “Buy me that ring, or your allowance is cut off!” But the wedding didn’t immediately happen because Jessica caught a case of the babies, and instead of marriage, she gave birth to two children.
But Jessica is finally skinny again, and they both had no more excuses to hold off the nuptials, so this past Saturday they married in California. In typical J Simpson fashion, bitch messed up her vows because as anyone who has seen The Dukes of Hazzard knows, Jessica is not so good with scripts. Even if she had almost 4 years to prepare. Supposedly, Eric also choked up during his vows, but I would get emotional too knowing I will never have to work a real job ever again. That’s true love.
Simpson had her 5-year-old nephew Bronx walk her down the aisle instead of Papa Joe. I can only imagine that’s because the newly fabulous Joe probably couldn’t understand why it would not be appropriate for him to also wear an all white gown for the stroll. Jessica walked down an instrumental version of “Wicked Games” by Chris Isaak because bitch is Jessica Simpson. Boobs, not sense, are all that is required of her.
After the ceremony, the couple’s reps released a statement to People magazine (after their $300K check cleared. Maybe Jessica isn’t so stupid.):
“We are overwhelmed with complete happiness and love having made our eternal commitment. To say ‘I do’ in front of family, friends and, most importantly, our children has been the happiest moment of our lives.”
Does Jessica think eternal means 2-3 years? That’s cute.
And here is the first sneak peek picture People has released of the bride. They are going to milk this cow.