Why, God, why? It was bad enough that you split Jon and Kate up. But Nick Lachey and Vanessa Minnillo too? You sick omniscient sod.
Nick Lachey and Vanessa Minnillo were our favourite celebrity couple. We loved how we could never work out what either of them did, and how they’d probably spend entire months awkwardly staring at each other in total silence because they’d both forgotten the word for ‘hello’. But no more – Nick Lachey and Vanessa Minnillo have split up.
Why? Perhaps they just forgot that the other one existed. We do that all the time with them.
If you like sobbing, red-eyed confessional ballads that literally couldn’t be any more forgettable if they concussed you with a mallet as soon as they finish, we’ve got some really terrific news. Everyone knows how much Nick Lachey likes to commemorate romantic splits with jaw-droppingly hapless concept albums about heartbreak, right?
Well expect a doozy of a blub any minute now, because it’s been reported that Nick Lachey has split up with Vanessa Minnillo, the woman famous for… no, it’s gone. We’ll get back to you on that one.
It’s especially sad because, as far as we were concerned, Nick Lachey and Vanessa Minnillo were the perfect celebrity couple. They had it all – bland good looks, annoyingly decent hair, hardcore sex photos, the overwhelming impression that they never spoke during meals because chewing used up their entire brain capacity, nice clothes – which just makes informing you of the Nick Lachey/ Vanessa Minnillo split even harder. That’s why we’ve decided to let People do it for us:
“They have amicably split but remain good friends who still greatly care for one another,” Minnillo’s rep tells PEOPLE of the couple, who began dating in 2006. The split comes after a rash of breakup rumors and reports, which were shot down. Earlier this month Minnillo told PEOPLE that she and Lachey were “very much still on.”
One of those breakup rumours involved Vanessa Minnillo falling for Matt Lanter from Disaster Movie. If that’s true, then it must have been one hell of a breakup conversation:
Vanessa Minnillo: Nick, this isn’t going to be easy. I’ve fallen in love with Matt Lanter from Disaster Movie.
Nick Lachey: What? But why? I don’t understand. Was it me? What did I do?
Vanessa Minnillo: Oh, don’t you see Nick? He’s… he’s just… look Nick, Matt Lanter from Disaster Movie is less famous than you’ll ever be.
Nick Lachey: How can you even say that? I’m Nick Lachey! I’m the least famous man in the world!
Vanessa Minnillo: You’re not, Nick, not any more. Remember that time we went to your cousin’s wedding and one of your parents remembered what your name was? That would never happen to Matt Lanter from Disaster Movie, Nick. That’s how completely obscure he is.
Nick Lachey: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
But still, as sad as all of this is, at least Nick Lachey won’t face any accusations that his relationship with Vanessa Minnillo was all a sham, like he did when his marriage to Jessica Simpson collapsed. True, that’s because the vast majority of people don’t really care if either Nick Lachey or Vanessa Minnillo live or die, but beggers can’t be choosers, can they?
You! Follow hecklerspray on Twitter!
Laurah says
this could be some of the BESTTTT news ever to Nick Lachey fans!!! Well, at least 4 of his fans!!! We are sooo happy about this!!!! Yayy!!!!!
Samantha says
This article was so sarcastic I could have sworn one of my own friends wrote this because it sounds like something my friends would say. lol. Awesome work!
Karla says
*looks interested*
JD says
WHo knows if it’s true or not.
IT HAS BEEN REPORTED ON SEVERAL OTHER SITES THAT NICK AND VANESSA HAVE IN FACT NOT SPLIT UP. THEY ARE ONLY SAYING THEY HAVE SPLIT AS A PUBLICITY STUNT IN THE HOPES TO BOOST NICK’S ALBUM AND TICKET SALES. HE IS SCHEDULED TO START A TOUR LATE THIS SUMMER AND HIS ALBUM SALES AND RANKINGS ARE TERRIBLE.
A FRIEND OF VANESSA’S WAS QUESTIONED IN DOWNTOWN LA YESTERDAY AND SAID “THEY HAVE HAD THEIR SHARE OF DISAGREEMENTS BUT LOVE AND ADOE EACH OTHER DEEPLY. IF PEOPLE THINK THEY ARE BROKEN UP HOPEFULLY THEN NICK WILL SELL MORE RECORDS!”
What a desperate ploy! Go back to being nobodies!
with people and papparazi everywhere don’t they know they will be seen and told on too!
katie says
less famous then Vanessa or Nick?….hmmmmm..why no one! What??? Wait…just one in the land…Stuart Heritage..WHO???? Stuart Heritage…who the hell is that???? Yea that’s what I thought..makes alot less money too!!!
nikkie says
Hi Samantha,is your girlfriend twelve? I think the article MUST have been written by one of those wanna-be, pimple faced girls in middle school..somehow I can hear a scarf/snot/scarf/sniff in between the twitters when it was written. Let the poor couple alone and go do some volunteer work that matters!
Sergej says
I think Nick Lachey has not enough muscles for Vanessa! He lost his six pack!