Most people who saw The Newlyweds thought that Nick Lachey was something of a professional nitwit, but they couldn't be more wrong – we're becoming convinced that Nick Lachey is actually an evil mastermind.
Look at the evidence; where most people would curl up and die if they got divorced from walking manjaw Jessica Simpson, Nick Lachey focused his misery on making What's Left Of Me, an album so relentlessly miserable that it makes Closer by Joy Division sound like Christmas Jamboree Bag No. 3 by Chas N Dave. And What's Left Of Me by Nick Lachey has become a giant success, so much so that Nick Lachey is planning his first ever American tour.
Nick Lachey must be used to having his every move documented by the media by now. The marriage between Nick and Jessica Simpson was turned into the slack-jawed idiot marathon The Newlyweds and, when they realised that there wasn't going to be a new series, Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey split up and then got divorced, all in the glaring light of the media.
For a while, it appeared as if neither Nick Lachey or Jessica Simpson were too affected by their divorce. Jessica Simpson continued her career trajectory of unsuccessfully trying to become a proper actress and having lovely, Dad-approved boobies. Nick Lachey, on the other hand, kept everyone guessing about his next move. On the surface, Nick was all sitcom pilots and anti-pervert websites, but deep down, Nick Lachey had a doozy planned.
That doozy was What's Left Of Me – an album that muckily delved into the details of Nick Lachey's split with Jessica Simpson across 12 unstoppably self-pitying tracks with titles like I Can't Hate You Anymore, Outside Looking In, On Your Own and Ghosts that the Nick Lachey boo-hoo Rolling Stone interview only hinted at.
And, bizarrely, What's Left Of Me is a success – it's the number two album in America and it's sold half a million copies. And now that Nick Lachey's misery has turned from rich-boy vanity project to lucrative financial commodity, his record label is sending him out on the road for his first-ever solo tour across America. And because of the deep, burning emotional intensity of Nick Lachey's recording, his 26-city tour will only take place in weeny venues. A Jive Records spokesman said:
"fans around the country will be able to see him perform live for the first time. These shows will be performed in a series of smaller theatres, allowing intimate concerts with fans."
See, they're 'intimate concerts', not 'deliberately small concerts just in case the idea of watching a 33-year-old man crying because his masculine wife left him is about as appealing to the public as spending two hours trying to balance a piano on their eyeballs.'
Read more:
Nick Lachey To Hit The Road – People
[story by Stuart Heritage]