Oi! Reprobates! You look like a bunch of degenerates that look like you use booze as a crutch to get you through your despairingly dreadful life!

Chances are, you’re one of those ‘heavy metal sorts’ who bangs your giant, hairy head to deeply unfashionable music without a care in the world. Metallica, Slayer and all those rasping, wailing bands really tickle your pickle, right?

We like you. And we’re going to get you drunk.

So, in honour of the Big 4 (Metallica, Slayer, Anthrax and Megadeth) playing Yankee Stadium next week, Jägermeister have sent us a load of cocktail recipes.

We’re not even accepting freebies or payment for this one. We just think it’s a great idea. Of course, if Jäger’ want to sort us out with some freebies, we won’t say no.

They won’t though.

They’ve already used us for publicity and we’re mugs for not making unreasonable demands first.

Oh well. There’s always hard liquor to get us through our crippling depression.

Here are the heavy metal cocktail recipes, that’s if you’re not too macho to actually spend time making a drink as opposed to guzzling down bottles of Newcastle Brown Ale and smashing them over your head like alcohol is going out of fashion.

Angel of Death – Slayer

1.5oz Old Overholt Rye
1oz Jägermeister
1oz Averna
3 dashes Jerry Thomas Decanter Bitters
Brandied Cherries
Build, stir with ice and garnish with a cherry

Reign in Blood-Slayer

2oz Jägermeister
.75oz Beefeater 24
.5oz Raspberry Simple Syrup
.5oz Iced Tea
Combine all ingredients in a mixing glass. Add Ice and Stir
Strain into a Double Old Fashioned Glass
Lemon Twist for garnish

Bring The Noise-Anthrax

1.5oz Jägermeister
1.5oz Grapefruit Juice
.5oz Don Q anejo rum
.5oz Velvet Falernum
Combine all ingredients with Ice, Shake and strain into a tall glass.

Devil’s Island-Megadeth

1.5oz Don Q Anejo Rum
1oz Jägermeister
.5oz Velvet Falernum
1oz Fresh Oj
1oz Pineapple Juice
2 dashes angostura
Combine all ingredients in a tall glass, swizzle with crushed ice. Add more crushed ice and float with Jägermeister on top. Garnish with a pineapple leaf

Five Magics – Megadeth

1oz Jägermeister
1oz Plymouth Gin
1oz Gekkeikan Plum Sake
.5oz Fresh OJ
Shake all ingredients with ice and strain into a glass with ice.
Top with Ginger Beer and a piece of crystallized ginger

Anarchy in the UK-Megadeth

1.5oz Jägermeister
1.5oz Plymouth Gin
1oz unsweetened iced tea
1 sugar cube
3 lemon slices
Muddle the lemon and sugar, add the iced tea and spirits and add ice. Stir and garnish with a lemon wheel.

Metal Thrashing Mad-Anthrax

1.5oz Jägermeister
.5oz Appleton Estate Reserve
.5oz Domaine de Canton
.5oz Fresh Lime Juice
.5oz Fresh Orange Juice
.5oz Pineapple Juice
.5oz Raspberry Simple Syrup
Dry Shake and pour over crushed ice in a tall glass. Garnish with a mint leaf and float 2 barspoons of Jägermeister over the top.

Armed and Dangerous – Anthrax

1oz Rye
1oz Jägermeister
In an rocks glass, add the spirits, add the ice and top with Cola. Garnish with a lime

Fade to Black – Metallica

In a mixing glass with ice stir the following:
1.5oz of Jägermeister
.5oz of Green Chartreuse
Pour into a shot glass-

Trapped Under Ice-Metallica

1.5oz Plymouth Gin
1oz Jägermeister
Top with Fever Tree Tonic
Lime Wedge

Master of Puppets – Metallica

1oz Rye
1oz Jägermeister
1 tsp Demarara syrup
2 dashes Jerry Thomas Bitters
Lemon Twist
Build, stir with ice, strain into cocktail glass serve with Lemon Twist

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Did you hear the one about Metallica and Lou Reed making an album together called ‘Lulu’, based on the German playwright Frank Wedekind’s 1913 play about the life of an abused dancer?

Jolly eh?

Well, it’ll be getting released on October 31st in the UK, with North America following a day later. But what does it sound like? Well, we’ve got a leaked copy and would just love to give you our review! Okay?

Of course, with gloom titans Metallica teaming up with King Grump Lou, this is not going to be a short, sharp, fun rock record to win over new fans.

When was the last time Lord Reed of the Insects gave two hoots about what the listener thought?

Anyway, instead of filling your head with pointless, flowery prose about likenesses to the Velvet Underground, Transformer and ‘It sounds a bit like Enter The Sandman’, we’ll adopt a track-by-track approach, so you don’t have to read too much.

God knows you bastards hate to actually read things.

Brandenburg Gate

Impenetrably gloomy. 34 seconds long with 2 second guitar solo. Features the lyric “Hey mousey, mousey. You squeak like a gate. You’re not as good as the Brandenburg, mate.”

The View

Damning, scathing aside concerning popular beat-combo The View. It is simply the word ‘DIE’ over and over for roughly three weeks.

Pumping Blood

A song about the perils of particularly vicious curry dishes and the resultant morning mess.

Mistress Dread

Five weeks long and contains 34,028 words.

Iced Honey

The plight of the chilly honey bee is delivered by Lars Ulrich in this peculiar spoken word piece while Lou does his best to keep up with Hetfield’s guitar. 82 minutes in, you hear Lou bemoaning his inability to grow a proper beard, provoking uproarious satanic laughter from the Metallica front man. Ulrich meanwhile, descends into tears about bees in winter.

Cheat On Me

11 minutes long, Lou details the ways in which you should cheat on him. Involves affairs and creating extra cards for Monopoly (Reed’s favourite board game).

Frustration

8 mins of utterly frustrating ‘nearly-rock’ where both artists do their best to remind you what you could be listening to elsewhere.

Little Dog

Coming it at a charitable 8 minutes, Metallica snort their way through an unkind song which likens Lulu – the Scottish singer – to a chihuahua.

Dragon

Coming in at 4 months long, Reed impersonates a dragon while Metallica play as loud and fast as they can. Results are, to say the least, abrasive.

Junior Dad

19 minutes and 28 seconds of absolute tedium. A vague whistle of a track that sounds like a drunk quietly wandering home about three streets away.

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As you may have noticed we’ve thrown ourselves into festival season like nobody’s business this summer.

We’ve already had some great weekends and it’s still so early!  If you still haven’t decided where to go this summer, then please allow us to make some recommendations! So what’s in store for July then?

Apart from shouting ‘bollocks’ in a field and hoping everyone will join in, as opposed to bricking your tent to death…

If you’d like to spend some time with some dogs-on-string, people in awful novelty hats while drinking warm cans of lager which cost you £20, roll up, roll up, step right this way…

Wakestock 8-10 July, Cardigan Bay

Curious one this- music and wakeboarding. No, us neither but you have to admit it sounds interesting doesn’t it? And at £100 a ticket, pretty good value too considering music-wise you get Biffy Clyro (who are the closest thing you get to a sure thing at a festival), Subfocus, Chase & Status, Kelis and of course Ed Sheeran who, it has been predicted, will have been seen by every man, woman and child in the UK by the end of the summer.

Sonisphere, Knebworth 8-10 July

The one remaining essential weekend for metal. They’ve bagged themselves an outrageously good line-up this year including the big 4 (Metallica, Slayer, Megadeth and Anthrax), Biffy Clyro, Slipknot, Mastodon and (cleverly) Bill Bailey.

Latitude, 14-17 July, Suffolk

Always a great bet for grown-up left-of-centre music, the heasdliners aren’t up to its usual high standards (Suede, The National and Paolo Nutini) but there are plenty further down the bill including My Morning Jacket, Iron & Wine, Foals, British Sea Power, Deerhunter, CW Stoneking and Ed bloody Sheeran. The atmosphere is very friendly but sometimes it’s a little too polite and is like spending a weekend inside a Guardian music supplement. Not for those who think Glastonbury has gone too middle-class.

2000Trees, 14-16 July, Gloucesteshire

Along with Oxford’s Truck festival, our best bet for underground rock and pop. Our favourites include Frightened Rabbit, Los Campesinos!, The Twilight Sad and Amplifier. A line-up put together by people who clearly spend too much time listening to music so that you don’t have to. Trust them.

Camp Bestival, 29-31 July, Dorset

Run by Sunday Best who know their festival shizzle, this is the ultimate family festival. We don’t mean it’s the ultimate kids’ festival, simply that it’s utterly inclusive. If you want to dance to the early hours or would rather hang out with your kids and retire early, all options are available. Everyone can have fun without having to compromise. Line-up wise they’ve got Primal Scream, Blondie, Beardyman, The Wonder Stuff, Mr B The Gentleman Rhymer and obviously Ed “I’m actually just following you around at all times” Sheeran.

Global Gathering, 29-30 July, Stratford-Upon-Avon

If you prefer telling strangers you love them all night whilst dancing to a line-up that features every kind of dance music we can think of, then this is the one for you. Big name-wise they have Underworld, Ritchie Hawtin, Pendulum, Sasha and others but at this kind of event it’s about the quality of the lesser-known DJs that make the night. The buggers have got them too.

When you live in a place where there’s bugger all to do, you yearn for something exciting to come along and kick normality up the arse.

People of Chile, we’re talking about you. After all, what do you normally do to pass the time? Throw rocks at cans or shoot glass bottles? At least Alzheimer’s sufferers get to do the same activity again and again without losing that first time thrill.

Everyone knows and stomachs Metallica. After all, they’re a charming bunch of men who make a loud racket with their instruments. Then, when you illegally download their rubbish studio output, they do a big sulky cry in the corner. But they like to perform live, too. When they brought their live show to Santiago, hundreds of ticketless fans tried to gain access and were promptly sprayed with water cannons. See the video after the jump…

Some people say it’s rude to laugh at foreign people. But listen to this Chilean news reporter. Nothing she’s saying is making sense! It’s almost like she’s making it up! Give it a go yourself! Make up your own crazy sounding language!

Shocking scenes you’ll agree. After all it’s weird to see a large gathering of people who share the passion for such a gash band. Metallica don’t scare us with their angry-looking eyes and excess amount of sweat. Trust us, on Halloween we made a few children and shake in terror so much that we got their sweets! NME.com reports further on the story:

“The rockers were playing a gig at the Club Hipico venue in Santiago when the incident occurred. Carabineros – military officials – used water sprays to keep fans back. This led to roughly 120 fans being arrested, while one police officer was injured.”

At least James Blunt didn’t show up to play. Chile would have ended up with a mass suicide on its hands.

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We all know that Lars Ulrich is an angry man. He’s so angry that drumkits literally weep when they know he is nearby.

But Lars Ulrich isn’t alone when it comes to being angry. Oh no, he is part of a band called Metallica with three other angry middle aged balding men. Maybe their belts are on too tight?

It isn’t clear if tomato ketchup, pandas or cacti add to his anger, but we know one thing that does – illegal downloading! Mention that to Lars and he’ll knock you into the future. But he appears to be having a change of heart. He’s just admitted to stealing music off the internet.

Now, it would have been more exciting to see Lars publicly saying to a group like The Saturdays “What up bitches? I’ve just downloaded your piece of shit ass album for free. What you gonna do about it?”

Unfortunately this isn’t going to happen. At least until he grows himself a bigger pair of balls anyway. You see, he didn’t illegally download an album of anyone like Leona Lewis, The Sugababes or Kelly Clarkson. Instead, he downloaded his own band’s recent album – we don’t see the point in doing that either.

Instead of sparking an internet feud with someone across the Atlantic, Lars decided to keep his downloading to a minimum. Probably so no-one gets the hump and tries to sue him. Unless he goes mental and tries to sue himself.

Does this make him a bi-downloader, since he hasn’t quite gone the full way and downloaded someone else’s work yet? Maybe not, but at least we hope that we’ve started a new buzzword for everyone to use.

Over the years, everyone has had a snigger at Metallica as Lars and his bunch of chums got all upset with Napster for letting users share their music. If anything, anyone who used up storage space on toss albums such as St Anger should be asking Lars for wasted life minutes back.

During a moment of typical angriness, Lars told VH1:

“I sat there myself and downloaded Death Magnetic from the internet just to try it,” “I was like, ‘Wow, this is how it works’. I figured if there is anybody that has a right to download Death Magnetic for free, it’s me.”

With downloading now accomplished to some extent, what’s next on the Metallica to do list? Knitting, croquet and baking won’t be involved that’s for sure – those activities don’t involve anger!

If anything, we want to see Lars Ulrich rip phonebooks apart with his bare hands, wrestle bears and drink sixteen cans of beer at once. Grr, that’s what real angry men do. Once that’s achieved, he’ll have our ultimate respect.

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People, get ready for four full months of nerve-shredding anticipation – the Rock And Roll Hall Of Fame inductees have been announced.

And are we ever excited. In just 79 short days we’ll get to see the likes of Run-DMC, Metallica and Bobby Womac get inducted into the Rock And Roll Hall Of Fame – literally the place to be if you’re a fan of both brain-aching corporate bureaucracy and the sight of people old enough to be your grandparents unironically dressed up like teenagers and looking a bit confused.

We can’t wait. We literally can’t wait. Oh, no, our mistake. We can wait. Sorry.

The thing we love most of all about the Rock And Roll Hall Of Fame – even more than watching a handful of creatively-spent old men who all hated each other for decades being forced together for the sake of an ultimately meaningless award – is the show’s process.

We’re being serious. The voting and presentation of the Rock And Roll Hall Of Fame has been specifically designed to maximise the public’s excitement. First comes the incredibly long voting procedure, followed by a big announcement of some of the bands who might make it into the hall. Then, just four short months later, the inductees are finally announced. And then, just four short months later, there’s the induction show itself. Whew! Talk about whistlestop!

So hold onto your hats, everyone, because we’ve just reached the blistering middle stage of the process. The 2009 inductees for the Rock And Roll Hall Of Fame have just been announced, and there’s only a third of a titting year to wait until anyone does anything about it.

So, then, the names of the bands to be inducted into the Rock And Roll Hall Of Fame this year – which you’re instantly going to forget anyway so there’s not really much point – are Run-DMC, Metallica, Bobby Womac Little Anthony And The Imperials, Wanda Jackson, Bill Black, DJ Fontana and Spooner Oldham.

Luckily, it seems like all the inductees realise that what they’re being inducted into is basically just a showy circlejerk for music industry insiders and that none of it really matters, as Metallica drummer Lars Ulrich told Newsday:

“[It shows] we are part of the big picture. We are a link in a chain of everyone that’s come before and everyone that’s come after you. I love how it all fits together.”

OK, so maybe not all of the inductees realised that none of it really matters. But, credit where it’s due, Metallica are a link in chain of everyone that’s come before and everyone that’s come after. They’re quite an obvious link, too, because all the links before them are quite good and the link at the other end of the chain is Fred Durst. They must be so proud.

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It’s our favourite time of the year – the time when the shortlisted nominees for next year’s induction to the Rock And Roll Hall Of Fame are announced.

Why is it our favourite time of the year? Because we know that from hereon in, it’s going to be a whistlestop pedal-to-the-metal seven-month funride until the bands eventually chosen to go into the Rock And Roll Hall Of Fame get properly inducted. Seven months. Seven poxy months that we’ll never get back. Fun.

So who could be going into the Rock And Roll Hall Of Fame next year? Why only Run-DMC, Metallica, The Stooges, Jeff Beck, Wanda Jackson, Chic, Little Anthony And The Imperials, Bobby Womack and War. That’s War the concept of organised military disputes between feuding nations and not War the 1970s jazz-funk fusion band responsible for hits like Why Can’t We Be Friends, by the way. That struck us as weird, too.

Of all the different ways that the Rock And Roll Hall Of fame can make you angry – like the awkwardness of reuniting bands or the desperately bad musical tributes or the inescapable fact that none of it actually matters in the slightest – we think we’ve found a new one.

It’s exactly the same every year. Every year Chic get nominated for the Rock And Roll Hall Of Fame, and every year The Stooges get nominated for the Rock And Roll Hall Of Fame and every year neither of them do because of the long-winded and confusing multi-stage voting process. Do you know what it’s like knowing that you’ve got to write exactly the same thing about Chic and The Stooges every year? Do you? It’s bloody awful.

However, this year we’ve got our fingers crossed really tight for both The Stooges and Chic get inducted into the Rock And Roll Hall Of Fame. We think they will, as well, because most of the other nominees this year are crap. But first we’ve got to wade through seven months of bureaucratic nonsense. Reports Reuters:

Artists become eligible for the Hall of Fame 25 years after the release of their first single or album and are represented in an exhibition at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame and Museum in Cleveland, Ohio. More than 500 music industry professionals will choose five of the nominees for the 24th annual induction on April 4 in Cleveland. The inductees will be announced in January.

So who’s been nominated for induction into the Rock And Roll Hall Of Fame? Here’s our rundown.

Run-DMC - Rappers responsible for hits like Walk This Way. DMC actually stands for Dog Muck Clodge, after the time that Reverend Run once made a fanny out of some dogshit.

Metallica – Heavy metal group responsible for hits like Enter Sandman. Now more famous for their film Some Kind Of Monster where they all sat in a circle, wanked each other off and then cleaned bugs out of each other’s fur with their fingers than for their music.

Bobbie Womack – Responsible for hits like Let Me Kiss It Where It Hurts. Legally changed his name to Bobbie Womack from the original Boobie Woman in 1974.

Jeff Beck – Responsible for hits like Rock My Plimsoul. Actually invented the guitar – before him, people just used tennis raquets and their own mouths.

Chic – Responsible for hits like Freak Out and Good Times. One of the most influential bands in history, Chic’s fingerprints can be felt all over everything from No Surprises by Radiohead to Here Comes The Bride.

Wanda Jackson – Responsible for hits like Funnel Of Love. Having studied at RADA, Jackson’s first achieved fame with her role in Ken Russell‘s Women In Love before becoming a household name with her portrayal of Queen Elizabeth I of England in the BBC’s 1971 blockbuster serial, Elizabeth R. Now a Labour backbencher representing Hampstead and Highgate.

Little Anthony And The Imperials – Responsible for hits like Shimmy, Shimmy Ko-Ko-Bop. Named ironically, since the band were all medieval peasants and Little Anthony was actually Megatron from Transformers.

The Stooges – Responsible for hits like Search And Destroy. Recently reformed, The Stooges now play concerts exclusively at wakes and pet bar mitzvahs.

War - Responsible for hits like Spill The Wine. One of War’s songs was performed at the end of Lethal Weapon 4. For allowing this to happen, everyone in War is legally a twat.

You’re welcome.

All the stuff on the internet, except for everything not contained in the next five links.

Popsugar has a book club. A book club. Can you imagine the comment wars if we actually made you go and read a book? Insanity – Popsugar

The perfect video. At first you’ll hate it, then you’ll enjoy it in an ironic way, but 98 seconds in you’ll find yourself actually in love with it. Fact.

Now you come to mention it, what is going on with Meg Matthews‘ face? – Holy Moly

Weezer are making a new album. Maybe this one will only make us want to pull one of our ears off and stamp on it - NME

The greatest imaginary places where all the imaginary people on TV hang out – Yep Yep

Older than 35? Near Texas? Sexy? Female? You should apply for this here TV show. Then call us – TV Land

Ha ha ha look, funny translated signs in bad English that we found on the internet. Ha ha ha. Funny – Allfunnystuff

Everything you need to know about the new Metallica album. Literally everything - Popjustice

“Might as well face it, you’re a dick with a glove” – Kiss This Guy

You will thank us for this. Follow MC Hammer on Twitter – Twitter

Over the billions of years that mother Earth has been around, it would be unimaginable to think that the planet’s inhabitants regularly made each other daisy chains and held hands.

Cavemen and other badly dressed warriors have been caught up in thousands of blood curdling wars. Some so ferocious and terrifying that Ross Kemp’s gang programme makes him look soft compared to Roman Emperors and Greek Gods who ate babies for pudding.

When people saw sense, removed their spears from their rivals’ intestines and vowed never to fight again, the world became a better place. But then again, these ancient fighters never had to deal with celebrity folk flinging words at each other today. In the creaking era of Britpop, it was Blur vs Oasis, and today everyone is entitled to have a pop at Kerry Katona. Some people, however, feel that arguments with humans are pointless. Why bicker with someone who could counter your argument when you can do it with a technology that can’t respond? Metallica’s James Hetfield certainly thinks so.

Back in the day when most people were illegally filesharing via Napster, Metallica decided that people spreading their angry music for free was a bad thing. We wholeheartedly agree. Who could be arsed to listen to an album full of shouty ramblings when the same effect could be achieved by visiting a working men’s club at throwing-out time? Drunken old people are an untapped source of amusement and chaos. Napster founder Shawn Fanning and whiny drummer Lars Ulrich got at each others throats for a while before resolving their differences over a cup of cocoa and a slice of lemon tart at a local café. We think.

Whilst filesharing gave fans the chance to listen and try out music for free, YouTube is the 21st century version of this for the lazy gig-goer. Don’t fancy spending £50 on a gig ticket? Not bothered about being covered in sweat and piss? Never felt like experiencing a kick in the face from a crowd surfer? Then YouTube is the website for you.

After most major gigs, fans post their experiences for everyone to see. Granted, the picture quality is like playing a glitchy version of Tetris and the sound is like a chainsaw going through brick but don’t worry! If you concentrate really hard, you can maybe make out the chord of a song for a split second. At Metallica’s recent gig in the O2 arena, the sight of the bands fans recording the gig in thirty-second chunks boiled James Hetfield’s piss to make him as narked off as Lars Ulrich. Digital Spy reports:

“Hetfield addressed the crowd early in the show and said: “Put the f***ing cameras away, put the phones away.”

With their new album already leaked all over the internet, some craptastic quality recordings of a promotional gig for the album really can’t do that much harm can they? Maybe they can collaborate with Prince to ban all their material from YouTube. Maybe they can call any material that comes from these anti YouTube sessions Self Centered Twattery Aid. Prince has issues with the internet remember, but not newspapers giving his albums away for free.

Why did Hetfield think the crowd were recording him and his fellow rockers? For all he knew they could have been bored shitless and ringing their mates, ordering a cab after the gig had finished, or ordering a pizza to be delivered outside the venue.

Being Metallica must be great – you get to be in a metal band for 20-odd years, you get lots of money, you get to tour the world many times over and you get legions of devoted fans.

Oh, and you get to be complete and total prannocks about seemingly everything involving the internet, yet still somehow manage to maintain the credibility that would clearly be destroyed if you were any other musical act in the world. Things, they are strange.

For this time Metallica have decided that allowing people they have invited to listen to their new music to review it would be something of a cardinal sin. Possibly on a par with the holocaust, but we’re still waiting for a quote on that one.

It all began a few days ago when the band invited a number of music journalists to hear their new material, somewhere in London. These critics gorged their aural senses with the gravelly-voiced delights of James Hetfield and co. and returned to their respective abodes, fresh in the knowledge that they could freely impart their newfound wisdom to the fans of the world.

Unfortunately, these journos seemed to forget that to satiate the hunger of these waiting Metallica fans they would have to use the tool most hated by the band: the internet. In using this evil device – which was probably crafted by Satan no less – the information pertaining to the new album was uploaded onto a few blogs.

Good God, what were they thinking?!

It didn’t take too long for Metallica to get wind of this though, and soon enough they were out bullying the sites where reviews were hosted, forcing them to withdraw the offending articles.

Just as with the horror that was Napster and its ridiculous idea of a future where digital distribution could thrive, the tiny, underprivileged band managed to safeguard their music and their reputation once more.

So thank you, Metallica. Thank you for being so utterly, completely and totally insane. Thank you for hating technology, discouraging innovation and stamping down on all those far smaller than you. It makes us feel all warm and fuzzy inside to know that you’re still a bunch of tossers.