Did you hear the one about Metallica and Lou Reed making an album together called ‘Lulu’, based on the German playwright Frank Wedekind’s 1913 play about the life of an abused dancer?
Jolly eh?
Well, it’ll be getting released on October 31st in the UK, with North America following a day later. But what does it sound like? Well, we’ve got a leaked copy and would just love to give you our review! Okay?
Of course, with gloom titans Metallica teaming up with King Grump Lou, this is not going to be a short, sharp, fun rock record to win over new fans.
When was the last time Lord Reed of the Insects gave two hoots about what the listener thought?
Anyway, instead of filling your head with pointless, flowery prose about likenesses to the Velvet Underground, Transformer and ‘It sounds a bit like Enter The Sandman’, we’ll adopt a track-by-track approach, so you don’t have to read too much.
God knows you bastards hate to actually read things.
Brandenburg Gate
Impenetrably gloomy. 34 seconds long with 2 second guitar solo. Features the lyric “Hey mousey, mousey. You squeak like a gate. You’re not as good as the Brandenburg, mate.”
The View
Damning, scathing aside concerning popular beat-combo The View. It is simply the word ‘DIE’ over and over for roughly three weeks.
Pumping Blood
A song about the perils of particularly vicious curry dishes and the resultant morning mess.
Mistress Dread
Five weeks long and contains 34,028 words.
Iced Honey
The plight of the chilly honey bee is delivered by Lars Ulrich in this peculiar spoken word piece while Lou does his best to keep up with Hetfield’s guitar. 82 minutes in, you hear Lou bemoaning his inability to grow a proper beard, provoking uproarious satanic laughter from the Metallica front man. Ulrich meanwhile, descends into tears about bees in winter.
Cheat On Me
11 minutes long, Lou details the ways in which you should cheat on him. Involves affairs and creating extra cards for Monopoly (Reed’s favourite board game).
Frustration
8 mins of utterly frustrating ‘nearly-rock’ where both artists do their best to remind you what you could be listening to elsewhere.
Little Dog
Coming it at a charitable 8 minutes, Metallica snort their way through an unkind song which likens Lulu – the Scottish singer – to a chihuahua.
Dragon
Coming in at 4 months long, Reed impersonates a dragon while Metallica play as loud and fast as they can. Results are, to say the least, abrasive.
Junior Dad
19 minutes and 28 seconds of absolute tedium. A vague whistle of a track that sounds like a drunk quietly wandering home about three streets away.
Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or else we’ll kill you in your sleep or join our Facebook group if anyone is still daft enough to use it or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS OR WE’LL KILL EVERYONE YOU’VE EVER LOVED!
sterling p says
funny as fuck
Lullabyes For Laurie Anderson says
It ain’t exactly Songs For Drella but atleast it’s got drums on it.
Also, Hetfield doesn’t sing much which is a good thing. Lou does
which also isn’t a good thing……..conclusion?………this is the big
music industry F— You! that Metal Machine Music tried to be.
Funny as hell if you enjoy stepping in dog poop and who doesn’t?
tomas says
Huge Lou Reed Fan. HUUUUGE.
I have all the albums, cassettes, cds…
Lou Reed can poop in a bucket and I’d buy it. Actually, I did! This album.
The last good lou reed album was Ecstasy.