We’re more scared of lawyers than we are of spiders – so we’re going to tread carefully, all the while shrieking and flapping like a bunch of hysterical women if any of us sees an actual spider. It’s being reported that the wandering lady garden of Megan Fox bad touched Shia LaBeouf for a whole six months while they were filming together. And, it’s further alleged it’s ruining Megan’s marriage.

Backing up a little, for clarity and because someone needs to hoover under our feet, their tryst first began on the set of Alien Robots Smash Things.

It would appear, at the behest of director Michael Bay, the 20-somethings pretended to fancy each other and that turned into sleeping together.

So, Michael’s the king of our robot overlords and a pimp. Huh? Okay. The guy who may or may not be a pimp pushed them together and somewhere in there everyone forgot she had a boyfriend. Maybe. No one seems to be sure. Asked whether he was the other man in a relationship that’s now spanned six years, he stuttered and gave a blithe, non-committal retort.

In all likelihood, Fox was on a Ross and Rachel break in which sleepovers were allowed as long as there’s no kissing. So, that was what she did. And Shia blabbed because he’s no gentleman.

Megan’s not really talking to the press about this. However, multiple, excitable sources are speaking on her behalf. And they’re emoting all over the place.

OK! Magazine reports that Megan and Brian are desperately trying to save their marriage. “He has really upset Megan and Brian,” a close source explains. “They went through an incredibly rocky period when she and Shia were filming Transofmers: Revenge of the Fallen…having Shia run his mouth now and brag about sleeping with Megan is awful for them.” Though was it really cheating? “…technically [Megan] didn’t do anything wrong since they were on break. [Still], they are so angry at Shia.”

Megan’s really, really, upset that she got caught. Because, frankly, with a daily side of extra penis, that would be the only reason to be sad.

This was the last ever guest post by Amy Grindhouse, which is terrible, terrible news… but then again, it really is her own fault for her continual sexual advances toward the rest of Team Spray.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or join our Facebook group or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS!

Y’know Rosie Huntington-Whiteley? Of course you don’t… unless you’re 13 years old and have your member in your hand. For the grown-ups among you, she’s the new ‘piece’ in the woeful Transformers film. She’s the woman who has stepped into Megan Fox’s thong.

Looking at her, you can see she’s all neck and lips, very much the human form of Oblina from Aaah! Real Monsters. This, naturally, means that she’s a woman lusted after by the entire world (who doesn’t like a woman who is essentially a thin cylinder with a haircut?) and can have her pick of the eligible bachelors.

So who has she got her heart set on? Some dashing Hollywood dunderhead? Some corned-beef brained NFL player with arms wider than Ed Milliband’s vocabulary? NOPE. She’s wanting some of that Blue Blood in her system as she eyes up Prince Harry for nefarious night-time activities.

The betitted-bombshell of Transformers: Dark of the Moon, has revealed that Prince Harry is her ideal man, which makes James Hewitt her perfect father-in-law, right? Seeing as he was ‘Gentleman Jim’ on ITV’s oft-overlooked masterpiece ‘Celebrity Wrestling’, it isn’t surprising she wants in with that lot.

Wait. Prince Charles is Harry’s dad. That’s right. Sorry, we get our Royal connections very, very confused (happy now ‘spray lawyers? Honestly. You can’t joke about anything now! Wait ’til we write about your dealings with a Tunisian ‘masseur’, y’big gits).

If Prince Hazeem wants to pop his regal beagle into Huntington-Whiteley’s front-garden, he’s going to have to fight off Jason Statham who is currently knocking his uglies with the model.

Rosie says:

“I’m waiting for my proposal.I keep writing. I think he knows how obsessed I am. Well, he does now. He’s so handsome.”

Let us now arrange a fight to the death between Statham and Harry as they both bid for the heart of RHW, okay? Get it televised on a PPV and we’ll wipe the national debt with the funds raised from it. That or, of course, Harry could call on some favours from his family’s shadowy cabal and they could just bump Statham off in a Paris tunnel.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or join our Facebook group or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS!

Are you a teenager? Chances are you fancy Megan Fox then. She’s effectively an alt.fancy piece as designed on a computer game by young men yet to touch the flesh of another woman, aside from the girls they kinda fancy who they keep punching in the schoolyard.

No right minded adult would lust over Fox because she possesses all the sexual allure of a mop.

Still, that didn’t stop Shia LaBeouf who has admitted that he hooked up with Megan while they were making the Transformers films (read our Transformers 3 review here). Better still, she was probably attached to her now-husband Brian Austin Green at the time.

LaBeouf explains, like a true gent:

“Look, you’re on the set for six months, with someone who’s rooting to be attracted to you, and you’re rooting to be attracted to them.”

“I never understood the separation of work and life in that situation. But the time I spent with Megan was our own thing, and I think you can see the chemistry onscreen.”

You could? Really? While she stood motionless and pouting at thin air? Even so, wasn’t she spoken for at the time?

He says (and this isn’t made up):

“I don’t know, man. I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know. It was what it was.”

So that’d be a yes then. Or, possibly, it didn’t happen at all and it is all just a device to stir up interest in Transformers 3. Of course, Fox has been replaced in the film after making comments about Nazis, which is an impressively dumb thing to do in Hollywood.

Now we can all speculate about Shia sticking his Beouf in new Transformer totty Rosie Huntington-Whiteley.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or join our Facebook group or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS!

Right lets cut to the chase, Transformers: Dark of the Moon has a crap script and the acting is, for lack of a better word, shit. Sorry Michael, but bear with us because you come off good in the end…

It’s still got those bloody parents in it, it’s rife with dodgy racial stereotyping, the irritating shitty robots who do nothing but make lame jokes, penis references and Patrick Dempsey. Trust us – the list goes on!

Frankly it’s difficult to understand why scriptwriter Ehren Kruger is even working on Transformers still, having failed so miserably with the last film. Worst still, despite getting rid of Megan Fox, director Michael Bay has seemingly opted for yet another hottie with zero acting skills in the form of Rosie Huntington-Whitley who seems to spend more time pouting and looking dead to the world than actually contributing to the bloody film. For a director with such a skill at creating visual feasts for the eyes, he sure is ignorant when it comes to the storytelling behind a film… but this is an brilliant film, right?

See, this is Michael Bay. By his very definition he’s inherently dumb-downed, misogynistic and crass. He’s been doing it for years and we’ve been lapping it up from the very moment Bad Boys came out. Honestly, after all the hype, photos, trailers and feature articles before Transformers release you’d think that just one person might have cottoned onto the fact he was going to do the same god damn thing he always does.

Yet even now critics are already lining up to lament Transformers for not delivering something we should all know full well by now that Bay can’t deliver, let alone when the main characters are robots with laser cannons for arms.

So just this once, let us say bollocks to scripts, acting and the character development, because if that’s your thing then bugger off and go rent a James MacAvoy film.

Transformers: Dark of the Moon is spectacle cinema at its very finest. You’re not meant to sit up and pay attention, you’re meant to put banality aside and let the sheer ridiculousness of the mayhem and carnage wash over you.

Sure, as we’ve mentioned the script is crap, but admittedly it has its plus points too, with far more audience laughs than personal groans.

Equally the film manages to bring on board more Transformer characters than ever before and give a good account of them, where other blockbusters have failed seemingly failed (See Spiderman 3, Iron Man 2, et al.). If, as many would have you believe, this is to be the final film in the series, it sure is a hell of a way to round off the trilogy and, as always, with some breathtaking action set pieces.

Those wondering whether or not to opt in for the 3D experience definitely should. Unlike the sad gimmicky trash demonstrated in Pirates of the Caribbean or Alice in Wonderland, Transformers instead goes for more of an Avatar based use of 3D technology, providing more of an immersive layered effect (no goofy swords or pikes sticking out the screen here).

Additionally, if none of that made sense, then just stop being cheapskate and pay the extra few quid and you’ll thank us later because it’s one of the few times we’re going to endorse the cash cow that is 3D cinema.

The film isn’t perfect and anyone expecting it to be might as well sling their hook now. Transformers aimed to be bigger, bolder and more explosive than it’s predecessors and it accomplished it in spades… but if you can’t get past the fact Michael Bay is a crap storyteller, then you might as well not buy a ticket in the first place.

Dumb. Furious. Things go bang. Ace.

This review was a guest post by James Wright who, after watching Transformers 3, decided to graft metal appendages about his person in an attempt to look like Rodimus Prime. He’s now considered ‘stable’ in the toxic poisoning ward and accepting grapes and bongo mags.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or join our Facebook group or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS!

Oh dear. What’s a really stupid thing for an actor to do? Well, anti-Semitic comments haven’t ever really helped anyone and slagging off incredibly influential directors is almost certainly a dumb thing to do.

And now, hilariously. Megan Fox is going to find out just what happens when you do both of the above after she compared her boss to Hitler.

It appears that Spielberg didn’t take kindly having someone mouthing off about Hitler who, y’know, oversaw the killing of quite a few Jews, probably including a number of Spielberg’s family. As such, Stevie boy saw to it that Fox lost some lucrative acting work. What with her being one of the most amazing actors we’ve ever seen, this will no doubt be a crushing blow to her CV.

You may well know that Fox was dumped from the new Transformers movie in favour of British model Rosie Huntingdon-Whitley. Megan has been tottering around saying that she didn’t want to be in the third of the series because she wanted to pursue other acting opportunities. It would be awful if she got typecast as little more than an object of lust for 13 year old boys.

Alas, it transpires that Transformers 3 director Michael was told to get rid of Fox after she made her Hitler comment. He said:

“You know the Hitler thing. Steven (Spielberg) said fire her right now.”

That’s because Spielberg is the producer of the film and he saw that Fox, in an interview, said that Bay was…

“like Hitler on his sets”

Of course, Fox’s amazing acting prowess is such that she feels she can say things like that, despite the fact that her colleagues on-set compared her ability to that of a porn star. In one open letter, a crew member wrote:

“Michael found this shy, inexperienced girl, plucked her out of total obscurity thus giving her the biggest shot of any young actresses’ life… he told everyone around to just trust him on his choice. He granted her the starring role in Transformers, a franchise that forever changed her life; she became one of the most googled and oogled women on earth. She was famous! She was the next Angelina Jolie, hooray! Wait a minute, two of us worked with Angelina – second thought – she’s no Angelina. You see, Angelina is a professional. We know this quite intimately because we’ve had the tedious experience of working with the dumb-as-a-rock Megan Fox on both Transformers movies.”

So she’ll be sorely missed by the cast and crew then? And now Steven Spielberg hates her. Oh well, at least she’ll continue to get work from gloss wank-mags, eh?

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or join our Facebook group or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS!

Good news! Eminem is back with a brand new album that everybody is really trying very hard to like.

Better news! Eminem’s new single is called Love The Way You Lie and Rihanna sings the chorus on it. Best news! Despite Rihanna’s very public struggles with domestic violence, the video to Love The Way You Lie is largely about Megan Fox and Charlie from Lost beating each other up. How brilliant is that? It’s like Rihanna is totally using the video as a cathartic method of release. Or she’s cashing in on the fact that her boyfriend beat her to the brink of unconsciousness last year. Or she’s saying that domestic violence is wonderful.

To be honest, we’ve lost the ability to tell. But you know what’ll sort that out? A good old decoding of the Eminem and Rihanna Love The Way You Lie video. After the jump, everyone…

First, here’s the Eminem and Rihanna Love The Way You Lie video in full…

Did you watch it? All the way through? No, us neither. We’re busy people and, to be honest, the song isn’t very good. But what’s all this with Megan Fox and Charlie from Lost? There’s only one thing for it – we need to break this story down into pieces.

LOVE THE WAY YOU LIE VIDEO SCENE 1

Look, it’s Megan Fox and Charlie from Lost. They are evidently quite in love. This should be a beautiful, beautiful video and no mistake.

LOVE THE WAY YOU LIE VIDEO SCENE 2

But oh no! Although Charlie may have saved the lives of all his Lost friends by writing on his hand, this time he’s spectacularly bodged up his relationship with Megan Fox by doing the exact same thing. Remember Charlie, ‘Not Penny’s Boat’ good, ‘Cindy 555 0936′ bad. But let’s not leap to conclusions here – for all we know Cindy is Charlie’s sister or the woman who provides him with protective eyewear.

LOVE THE WAY YOU LIE VIDEO SCENE 3

OK, it’s obviously not the eyewear thing. If that’s who Cindy was then Charlie would have been prepared for Megan Fox’s furious spit attack. But alas, she gobbed right into his mush. This doesn’t look very hopeful.

LOVE THE WAY YOU LIE VIDEO SCENE 4

Uh-oh. Now Megan Fox has hit Charlie. This is ominous. God knows how Charlie will react to this.

LOVE THE WAY YOU LIE VIDEO SCENE 5

HOLY MOTHER OF CHRIST! HE’S EATING HER! HE’S ACTUALLY BLOODY EATING HER ALIVE! THIS IS APPALLING! SOMEONE STOP THIS ATROCITY!

LOVE THE WAY YOU LIE VIDEO SCENE 6

Incidentally, if anyone was wondering where Eminem is while this nightmare is playing out, he’s in a field. Again, he’s in a field.

LOVE THE WAY YOU LIE VIDEO SCENE 7

But back to the story. Here we can see Charlie, consumed with guilt after eating Megan Fox alive, attempt to cough her back up like a hairball. This will be an easy feat to accomplish because, as everyone knows, Megan Fox is small than the width of Charlie from Lost‘s oesophagus, and also Charlie has the gastrointestinal system of a small domesticated animal.

LOVE THE WAY YOU LIE VIDEO SCENE 8

“Sorry I cheated on you, ate you alive and then coughed you back up, Megan Fox.”
“That’s OK, Charlie from Lost.”
“By the way, while I was coughing you up I accidentally shat out this teddy bear. Would you like it?”
“Yes please.”

LOVE THE WAY YOU LIE VIDEO SCENE 9

Oh, now Charlie from Lost has punched Megan Fox in the face. Didn’t see that coming.

LOVE THE WAY YOU LIE VIDEO SCENE 10

And now Charlie has set himself on fire. Well, this seems to follow the basic pattern of domestic violence – mistrust, physical violence, cannibalisation, regurgitation, teddy-shitting, more physical violence and then spontaneous human combustion. Well done to Rihanna for pointing this out to us.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter

Grimm’s Fairy Tales. Beloved, overly twee fables that have taught generation upon generation about simple truths like honesty, fidelity and all sorts of traditional virtues. Beloved by thousands upon thousands of people for hundreds of years, these simple stories have been translated into languages around the globe as well as being an essential document for Walt Disney Studios to crib from for decades.

All very nice, but it does sounds about as dull as your average Palin. You know what they need? Explosions! Mismatched buddies storylines! Michael Bay! Everything exploding into your face in 3 – D! Yeah!

The only trouble is which one to choose. All the obvious ones have been taken, and it needs to be something that lends itself to having bits flying at the screen every couple of seconds. And, it needs to remain half-coherent after Bay has taken his editing lawnmower to it. The obvious answer is surely that old German folk-tale ‘The Boy That Goes To War In The Exploding Country And Has Adventures With Guns And Rockets And People Going ‘Whoah’ And Megan Fox’s Arse And That’.

But that’s already been optioned, or doesn’t exist. So they’ve had to make do with Hansel and Gretel.

Forget Avatar, or whatever the newest 3D cash cow is, Michael Bay has decided that old middle-European folk stories are where it’s at! In what is apparently not a joke, Bay’s press team hissed:

“Hansel and Gretel in 3D” is an action packed visual FX filled version of the classic Grimm Brothers’ fairytale. In addition to the infamous witch in the gingerbread house, the film showcases the legendary creatures of German mythology

Legendary creatures? That would be a couple of stupid, hungry children, an old woman intent on defending her home, a clueless father and the standard evil stepmum. Unless they insert a jive-talking Hippogriff, an exploding robot, or a talking axe that can transform into a steamtrain with lasers, everyone who goes to see it can sue for being a big waste of time and of the word ‘legendary’.

On the plus side, you’ll get your £1.50 back from the pair of thick plastic glasses formed into a branded ‘H’ and ‘G’ shape that you’ll never even consider wearing in public again. On the down side, you’ll have wasted yet another two and a half hours watching a bloated, incomprehensible, seizure inducing, marketing wankjob.

Besides, of all the other stories to adapt, they could have chosen something slightly more interesting sounding. How about ‘The Mouse, the Bird, and the Sausage’? Admittedly, that’s just a better choice because it sounds like the most interesting porn film you’ve ever heard of, but as a bonus it’s almost guaranteed to not revolve around a couple of obese children literally trying to eat the house of an elderly woman.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter

Having tasted blood following her involvement in Michael Bay’s continuing efforts to smash everything that is good into tiny bits with massive noisy CGI in recent Transformers movies, pouting automaton Megan Fox has set her sights on The Lost Boys.

Don’t get us wrong, the old Transformers toys and cartoons were a bit rubbish, but they were OURS dammit. They’ll be remaking Airwolf next. Don’t even get us started on Street Hawk. Anyone? No?

Anyway, Fox has recently been quoted by MTV News as saying she would love to appear in a remake of fondly-remembered cult film The Lost Boys, and that the “movie has stuck with me my whole life. There’s something magic about it for me”.

We can only assume that because Megan Fox likes something she must then go on to lovelessly grind it into the ground under the heel of one of her preposterous stilettos so no-one else can enjoy it whilst she laughs and laughs because she then went on to say that remaking the cult movie would ‘destroy it’.

Not content with merely ‘destroying’ the film that has a special place in the heart of anyone who grew up in the 1980s, she went on to say that “the female character in it is not really amazing, but if you were to turn one of the male characters into a female, I would love to do that.”

Rumours that she would do this on the occasional evening she didn’t spend breaking into your house in the middle of the night, finding all your old childhood photographs and drawing a huge cock and balls on the foreheads of everyone appearing in them are unconfirmed.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter

Hear that sound? That’s the sound of a million 14-year-old boys crying into their pile of crusty tissues.

Megan Fox is married. According to reports, Megan Fox secretly got married to Brian Austin Green in Hawaii last week. We’re not sure why, but maybe Megan Fox wanted to get married to celebrate the release of her latest film Jonah Hex. Which would be perfect, really, because who wouldn’t want to be reminded of monumental, all-consuming failure every time they look at their wedding ring?

Still, one thing’s for sure – Megan Fox is off the market. Teenage boys, we hate to break this to you, but you’re just going to have to find another dead-eyed robot girlfriend to masturbate to. Sorry.

It goes without saying that Brian Austin Green is the love of Megan Fox’s life. Always has been and always will be. Well, you know, apart from the gaping 15-month chasm between the time that Megan Fox realised that she didn’t love Brian Austin Green and the time when she begrudgingly took him back a little while ago.

But forget all that, because Megan Fox has just got married to Brian Austin Green in Hawaii, and that means that she’ll never be able to leave him again. Never ever. Unless they hire divorce lawyers, of course, but how’s Brian Austin Green going to afford those? Nobody even knows what he does. But we digress. The New York Daily News reports:

The “Transformers” hottie quietly exchanged marriage vows with her long-time beau, actor Brian Austin Green, in a secret ceremony in Hawaii late last week. “They had a fairly large wedding, but there were clearly more security people than guests,” a source told Star magazine. “It was very hush hush. Everyone was sworn to secrecy.”

We know what you’re thinking. You’re remembering that, during her time apart from Brian Austin Green, Megan Fox told the world that she would never get married because she’s not the marrying type. But now for some reason she is married. Maybe, just maybe, Megan Fox should think about also telling the world that she’ll never play a convincing role in a critically respected and commercially successful film. The way her career’s going at the moment, it couldn’t hurt.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter

Robotic proto-woman Megan Fox, widely reported as saying “I definitely have some kind of mental problem and I haven’t pinpointed what it is” has had a tattoo in honour of Mickey bloody Rourke.

“I don’t know if it’s been photographed yet, but it’ll come out eventually, I’m sure,” said the absolutely sane star of some really dreadful films to MTV whilst pictures of her new tat were available in national press worldwide.

Her reported reason for looking as though she’d been babysitting a child who’d got a bit out-of-hand with a permanent-marker was that “I just love him very much and think he’s very special”.

Which is great, and in terms of the world’s most loved, special people Rourke is up there with Mother Theresa. Megan Fox said:

“He’s so genuine and so sweet and so talented. I just love him to death. I kept telling him that he needs to have kids, because I think he’s going to be an amazing dad. I hope he does that soon.”

The important tattoo in question is said to read ‘those who danced were thought to be insane by those who could not hear the music.’  Nonsense that your average high-school mentalist outsider would spout in order to make them seem ‘deep’. It is reportedly a quote from a poem by Angela Monet; as of now no-one can find any evidence of her existence.

Rourke, at least 57, was unavailable for comment regarding his viability as a stable father.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter

A prediction – Transformers 3 will be the Citizen Kane of tediously impenetrable films about toy robots.

It’s going to have everything. Explosions. Casual racism. That kid who fouled up the last Indiana Jones film. Hour upon hour of largely indistinguishable giant robots soullessly clanking into each other to the point where you realise that you would have got precisely the same effect from loading up on booze and taking a kaleidoscope to a scrapyard. Everything. Oh, except for Megan Fox.

It’s been announced that Megan Fox won’t be appearing in Transformers 3. But there’s some confusion over whose decision it was. Was Megan Fox sacked from Transformers 3 because she’s not a good enough actor for Michael Bay, or did Megan Fox quit Transformers 3 because she thinks she can do better than a production line film about some fighting robots? Either way, there’s not a great deal to be proud of here.

If Michael Bay was the brains of the Transformers movies, and Shia LaBeouf was the heart, then it unquestionably goes without saying that Megan Fox was the tits. And while you may think that a film’s brains and heart are more important than its tits, you’d be dead wrong. Just look at what Megan Fox brought to the first two Transformers films – countless scenes of her staring vacantly out into space and about 15 slow-motion shots of her bottom. They’re all moments you can’t replicate, at least not without a blow-up sex doll in a pair of children’s hotpants, anyway.

But these are all things that we’ll have to do without in Transformers 3. As of yesterday, Megan Fox will no longer be needed on the picture. But why? That’s where the confusion sets in – some are saying that Michael Bay sacked her, and others are saying that Megan Fox left of her own accord. MTV reports:

It was reported that the actress, who starred in the first two installments of the “Transformers” franchise, wouldn’t be cast in the third picture, set to shoot this summer. A rep for Paramount confirmed to MTV News that the studio didn’t renew Fox’s option. Now, Fox is saying it was she who opted out. “Megan Fox will not be starring in ‘Transformers 3,’” [said] reps. “It was her decision not to return.”

It’s not hard to see why Michael Bay would want Megan Fox off the Transformers franchise. Despite being the only films of hers that anyone actually wants to see, Fox and Bay found themselves in a war of words last year, with Megan comparing Michael to Hitler, Michael telling Megan that she needed to grow up and some crew members wrote a letter telling everyone how stupid Megan was. So it seems like it was this friction that caused Megan Fox to part ways with Transformers, whether it was her decision or not.

But make no mistake, this is a deep loss. Michael Bay will now have to cast another piece of totty for Transformers 3, and there’s a real danger that she’ll be replaced by a better actress. Imagine – all those slow-motion bottom shots completely ruined by the inkling that the bottom’s owner is capable of basic sentient thought. Ugh. Count us out.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter

Masturbating teenagers the world over have long found a shared comfort in one thing – Megan Fox looks quite dirty.

She does. Look at the Transformers films. It doesn’t matter what Megan Fox is asked to do – fix a car, talk to Shia LaBeouf, run away from an exploding robot – she can’t help but jut her jubblies out and pull a face that makes her look a bit like she’s having a sort of vaguely erotic stroke. She’s dirty. Megan Fox has probably had sex with loads of men.

Except she hasn’t. For a reason that only she knows – perhaps because she hasn’t been in any magazines for a couple of weeks – Megan Fox has decided to tell the world that she’s only slept with two men in her entire life. And one of those used to be in Beverly Hills 90210, so he doesn’t count. Honestly, Megan Fox is practically a virgin.

Megan Fox’s looks are both a blessing and a curse. Admittedly there are several blessings – if she didn’t look the way she does then she would have never played the bimbo character in Transformers, or the bimbo character in How To Lose Friends And Alienate People, or the evil bimbo character in Jennifer’s Body, nor would she be the focus of several million unthinkably disgusting teenage ejaculations – compared to only one curse. But it’s a pretty big curse.

Because she looks a bit like a market stall Angelina Jolie sex doll, Megan Fox is constantly being judged on her looks. She’ll probably never receive a script that doesn’t contain the direction ‘Megan straddles the motorbike, adjusts her bikini and licks her lips in slow motion as Rock You Like A Hurricane plays in the background’. Nor will she ever play a meaty, emotionally-complex serial killer role, unless it’s in a film about a serial killer who shags men to death and is a robot. That’s just Megan Fox’s lot in life.

But now she’s decided to do something about it. In a bid to stop people thinking of her as a sort of futuristic sex alien, Megan Fox has decided to reveal that she’s actually had sex with far fewer men than you’d imagine. UsMagazine reports:

“I’ve only been with two men my entire life,” the actress, 23, tells the April issue of Harper’s Bazaar. “My childhood sweetheart and Brian.”Fox has been dating (and engaged to) former 90210 star Brian Austin Green on and off since 2004. She continues, “I can never have sex with someone that I don’t love, ever. The idea makes me sick. I’ve never even come close to having a one-night stand.”

Megan Fox’s feminine responsibility is good to know for several reasons. Most importantly it sends a valuable message to all the young girls who idolise her. In effect she’s saying that you don’t have to sleep with every man you meet to get ahead in life – you just have to look like you would. Wise words, Megan. Wise words.

And hopefully this admission will also help Megan Fox’s career, too. Now, rather than simply playing the busty, slutty-looking sex object in all of her films, she’ll now be offered a range of new roles, like the innocent schoolgirl who becomes a busty, slutty-looking sex object. Or the chaste nun who becomes a busty, slutty-looking sex object. Or the uptight nuclear physicist who gets zapped by an experimental sperm-ray and becomes a busty, slutty-looking sex object. The world is your oyster, Megan. Your sexy, sexy oyster.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter

10 - It’s probably safe to assume that Megan Fox has manky hands – Amy Grindhouse

9 – The Beatles: Surrey’s greatest export. No, really – SurreyHerald

8 - Something about evil babies. EVIL BABIES! – Cracked

7 - An opera version of a Dr Dre song. Marvellous - YouTube

6 - Five sinister newsreaders – Watchwithmothers

5 - Robocop sells out for Korean chicken- Geekologie

4 - Dolph Lundgren sings A Little Less Conversation by Elvis Presley, dances, plays the drums, punches through three planks of wood, obliterates four giant bars made of ice and then finishes singing A Little Less Conversation by Elvis Presley. In that order. You must watch this – Best Week Ever

3 - Go to the Philippines, sing My Way at a karaoke bar, end up dead. Nope, nothing weird about that – Asylum

2 – Nile Crane raps. FOR FOUR FUCKING MINUTES – My Chemical Toilet

1 - Ten minutes of Star Trek actors making sex noises. You’re welcome…

I recently stumbled upon this really old NYT article posing the question ‘why don’t people like Megan Fox?’

I am writing this from my position in the middle of an internet Venn Diagram, flanked by two differing (though both equally militant) opinions, regarding some-time actress Megan Fox. It seems I must either be filled with an irrational hatred of this woman, slandering every aspect of her various media appearances and savoring any opportunity to publicly call her a ‘stupid whore’, the same way a sommelier might savor a fine vintage, or I must spend my days writing effusive fan fiction about the day I am finally able to throw myself prostrate and weeping at her pedicured feet, basking in her inhuman glory.

There is no middle ground.

It seems the things her fans love about her are the same things her detractors find so irritating.

Fans love her obsession with videogames and comics; haters think all of it is fabricated, a way to market herself as approachable to the pimpled, heavy breathing masses.

Fans love her willingness to speak her mind and refusal to sugarcoat her opinions; haters think its tacky and gross that she feels the need to share the trim of her bikini line with the readers of Marie Claire.

Fans love her work; haters feel that she didn’t exactly shine in the grand total of four movies she has ever starred in.

Fans love her looks, natch; haters either feel she’s ugly (?!?!) or that she is merely the product of an incredibly talented surgeon (a surgeon who can also apparently craft live doves from earthen clay, turn water into wine and prove himself the true wielder of Excalibur).

There are two types of Megan Fox haters. The ones who (see above) will genuinely find fault with everything she does. For whatever reason. Although, apparently its jealousy.

And then there is the larger group, true, of mostly females, who claim to hate Megan Fox. I don’t think these people actually hate Megan Fox. I think they really hate Megan Fox’s fans. The coverage she gets, missives so laden with desperate praise, that within sentences it becomes uncomfortably clear that the author was almost certainly masturbating vigorously between keystrokes. The fact that no matter what she does it receives this kind of reception.

She could slap an elderly deaf mute in the face and still be zealously defended by bloggers and comment section antagonists the internet over. This is indeed symptomatic of the times we live in, that the way you look means more than your personality or the things you say or what you’ve made of your career. If you’re ‘hot’ you’re far more likely to be protected from the consequences of your own actions. Which, you know. Duh. But this time it’s so obvious even a 12-year-old teenybopper with a copy of US Weekly can see it.

God forbid the recipient of aforementioned immunity apparently play up to her male fan base. Its like an A-Bomb of feminist rage.

This whole ‘Xbox playing, bisexual, loves giving blowjobs and reading comic books’ persona is kind of insulting. Which is ironic, because she actually seems like a really cool person when she’s not putting it on. And she really needs to stop slagging off the entire female population. Its not doing her any favours.

Me, personally, I think she’s awesome. If only for this interview. Also I cannot wait for Jonah Hex.

Just my two cents.

This was a guest blog by Amy Green from Interpol Groupies Wear Black. Hooray.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter

Note to Megan Fox: Some people don’t like being called Hitler – especially when they’re your boss.

Apparently, in retaliation for her Hitler jibe, Michael Bay has decided to kill Megan Fox off in Transformers 3. If you ask us, he’s gone light on Megan – after all, this is a man who would blow up a children’s nursery if it got in between him and a badly conceptualised script.

It appears Megan Fox may have to find another franchise to cavort around in with a smug, self-satisfied look on her face. She’s reportedly going to be killed off in the upcoming Transformers sequel, imaginatively under the working title of  Transformers 3. Oh, spoilers!

It is hard to imagine the franchise going on without Megan Fox. After all, she lent so much to the films – for instance, there’s that bit where she leans over the car in the first film and, er, that bit where she leans over the motorcycle in the sequel.

If you are unfamiliar with the war of words between Fox and her Transformers director Michael Bay, then let us refresh you. Megan spoke to Wonderland Magazine and had this to say about her boss:

“He wants to be like Hitler on his sets, and he is. So he’s a nightmare to work for.”

Nice. Some crew members then wrote a letter, describing poor Fox as “Dumb as a rock” and suggesting that working with her is a”tedious experience“. More was said, but you have to feel sorry for the poor girl – or you would if she didn’t walk around with the equally vacant faced Robert Patterson.

It all looks like doom and gloom for Hollywood’s favourite pair of funbags, as rumours say she might not be part of the mega-franchise much longer – insiders tell In Touch Weekly that Bay is picking up his red and yellow crayons and writing Fox out of the series in a gory (and surely explosive) death scene, so that he can replace her with a newer, hotter, younger actress.

“Michael’s pretty much discovered Megan and now he’s very quietly looking for her replacement,” the source spilled. “He hasn’t decided if he’s going to kill her off in the next movie, but he just wants to be prepared.”

It’s okay though, Megan. You’ve got a successful movie career, two talents and a comfortable-looking ass to fall back on. Why, there’s that new film Jennifer’s Body that went straight to the bottom of the top 10 in the US. You’ll be alright, we’re sure there are plenty of directors out there dying to work with a one-note, robotic, self-absorbed actor famous for their bad relations with film crews.

Wait, we think we can hear the phone ringing. It’s McG, he wants to know if you’ll be in the next Terminator movie.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter