The loss of innocence is a big thing in the life, marking the point when they stop being a child and truly become an adult.

When it comes to the world of celebrities, however, this distinction is harder to make. Thank golly gosh for the Olsens then, who we’ve been able to watch all their lives as they became adults! With problems!

The latest occurrence in Mary-Kate Olsen’s quest for womanhood has come as she seeks immunity from prosecution in the investigation into Heath Ledger’s death earlier this year. Oh how she’s grown!

Investigators looking at the cause of Ledger’s death want to ask Mary-Kate some questions about a couple of powerful painkillers the Dark Knight star had taken before his death. However, the once cherub-faced little angel has now turned into a character akin to a mob boss, it would appear, as her lawyer has told the feds she won’t cooperate without immunity.

Aww, isn’t that sweet?

We’ve seen Mary-Kate on her journey through being a twin-child star, through growing up very much in the public eye and then taking on the necessary change from child to adult actress that brings down so many young actors.

Then we got to see her vilified by PETA, move away from solely working with her sister, having kidney problems and dealing with anorexia.

But this time she’s really gone and grown up – requesting legal immunity from federal investigators. It’s a big step in the life of any young woman and one that is sure to cement her position as a proper, bona-fide grown-up.

In a statement released to the media, Mary-Kate Olsen’s lawyer said:

“Despite tabloid speculation, Mary-Kate Olsen had nothing whatsoever to do with the drugs found in Heath Ledger’s home or his body, and she does not know where he obtained them.”

Which is all well and good, we’re not going to argue with that, nor are we going to accuse anyone of anything. But it does seem a bit strange when someone refuses to speak to investigators unless they are guaranteed immunity from prosecution. The statement goes on:

“Regarding the Government’s investigation, at Ms. Olsen’s request, we have provided the Government with relevant information including facts in the chronology of events surrounding Mr. Ledger’s death and the fact that Ms. Olsen does not know the source of the drugs Mr. Ledger consumed.

We don’t know the source of the information being quoted in the media regarding the Government’s inquiry, but these descriptions are incomplete and inaccurate.”

On the other hand though, while it may look like the Olsen that isn’t Ashley has something to hide, she may well be asking for these stipulations just to be on the safe side. It’s understandable, really, if she was involved with Heath Ledger just before his death – either as ‘just friends’ or more – that she’d want to play things with more caution.

Regardless, hecklerspray will be keeping a close eye. And we don’t grant immunity.

Perhaps we should start watching The Hills – by the look of it it features more per capita obnoxiousness than a shedful of Lohans.

Take Spencer Pratt, for example. We have no idea who Spencer Pratt is, and the only way we'd be able to identify him in the street is because he'd be the one loudly braying about what a tosspot he thinks Mary-Kate Olsen is.

Actually he won't. Spencer Pratt doesn't do that any more. He used to, though – not so long ago he told a magazine that Mary-Kate Olsen was a 'troll' who wasn't very cute – but not any more. Spencer Pratt has issued a sincere apology for the 'troll' jibe, finally putting an end to a celebrity feud that was so staggeringly pointless and short-lived that you didn't even care if it existed or not in the first place.

There must be something in the water, because it's turned into celebrity feud central round here lately. There's Pamela Anderson calling Jessica Simpson a 'whore', the upcoming actor strike that's pitting Tom Hanks against Jack Nicholson and Kanye West's neverending feud with reality to name just three.

But at least Spencer Pratt isn't fighting with Mary-Kate Olsen any more. Having done the absolute bare minimum of research, Spencer Pratt seems to be The Hills' resident douchehole – the kind of braying, overprivileged, permanently sneering moron who wouldn't know a decent day's work if it smashed his stupid face to pulp with a concrete bollard.

The weird, utterly inconsequential beef between Mary-Kate Olsen and Spencer Pratt started when Olsen went on Letterman and told a story about Pratt's schoolboy reputation as angry soccer player. That caused Spencer Pratt to retort to US Weekly that:

"I know I've made it in Hollywood when a famous troll is talking about me on Letterman. I forgive her, though. She's had to go through life as the less cute twin, which must be tough."

Oh, that's just rude. Mary-Kate Olsen is many things – an out-of-touch former child star with no remaining ties to the real world, an obscenely rich idiot who thinks people care about her stupid books, a cartoon monster – but she's not a troll. She probably acts like a troll a lot of the time, but she isn't physically a mythical cave-dwelling Scandinavian creature. That's just below the belt.

And Spencer Pratt knows this, which is why he's apologised to Mary-Kate Olsen in public, despite the fact that not a single member of the public needs to have their precious brain cells destroyed by being made to listen to his bleating cock-droppings for a second longer than they have to. AHN reports:

He tells [Us], "I apologize for getting caught up in trash talking, but she brought up an emotional subject when she mentioned the soccer stuff. I know Dave was just doing his job in asking her. He's the best in the game at that." He also confessed that he "respects Mary Kate as a businesswoman" and that he is "secretly jealous of her. I want my face on a lunchbox, too!"

And, peace restored, Spencer Pratt can now go back to his awful Republican girlfriend and her naked best friend and get on with whatever cloth-eared, cheaply-made probably pre-rehearsed claptrap he gets up to on The Hills.

You may now return to your lives changed people.

Hospitals are a holy sanctuary. It is within their walls that all of mankind goes to find healing, and also to have large misshapen moles removed.

Moles like the one our Uncle Albert had on his lip through most of the seventies. That thing was so big we always just thought he was in a mixed race marriage. Man, we really hated his wife for never paying us any mind – and yet it makes perfect sense now. Today, though, today we're older. We're smarter, we're wiser, and we have a well-laminated associates to prove it.

And as we sit here staring at that degree hanging on the door of our mini-fridge, it brings us back to thoughts of hospitals – and how one recently made up a bed for Mary-Kate Olsen to recuperate in. Her insides are rotting you see, they are rotting and all the money in the world can't save her.

Except the money her health insurance probably paid to the hospital. That money actually helped her quite a bit.

The other day Mary-Kate Olsen was walking down the street when some of her back-skin gave way and two livers and a lung slipped out from under her belly shirt, splattering all over a dirty sidewalk. She's dying, you see, ever-so slowly. Medical technicians estimate that within the next 80 years her time will be up, and her sister will finally have some alone time with Lance Armstrong and/or his bare bones skeleton.

Her dying wish will likely be that she had never abandoned her dear sweet sister, and that maybe she hadn't been so afraid to eat people-food. That or maybe she'll just wish she hadn't had to spend an hour or two in a hospital way back in 2007 because she got an infected kidney. That's right – her kidney was flaring up or something. According to E! News:

The 21-year-old actress is suffering from a kidney infection and has been hospitalised in New York, her rep confirmed to E! News Tuesday. But the prognosis is good. Olsen, who was admitted to the emergency room Monday, is "resting comfortably and will be released in the next day or so."

How exactly Mary-Kate Olsen's kidney got infected is impossible to know because those particular organs move around so much it's impossible to open somebody up in the exact right spot. Let us then postulate they probably got infected by the worms we heard live in there. Everybody that worked on the set of Full House had worms. They got them one day when Comet exploded in the green room.

We know a guy whose father worked with the fellow who used to be in charge of set lighting. According to that guy – there were entrails.