Wonderful news folks! Mario Lopez is getting married! We’re thrilled to bits. You see, we like the chap who played A.C. Slater so much that we turned a boring news article about Coheed & Cambria into a brief history of Mario Lopez.

He really is a very, very splendid man.

And now the Saved By The Beller is all grown-up and getting hitched to, quite possibly, the luckiest woman who ever lived. And something must be in the air because only a few months ago, Zack Morris (aka Mark-Paul Gosselaar) got engaged and… well… Skreech is still trying to live down his sex tape.

Mario Lopez is tying the knot with the beautiful Courtney Mazza. They’ve been together since 2008 and not that long ago, they had a baby together. She’s called Gia. Luckiest little girl who ever lived, thanks to having the most amazing dad in the world.

Of course, Mario Lopez has had a thoroughly fantastic life outside of babies, marriages and Saved By The Bell.

Currently, he’s working as a presenter on Extra (best TV show ever made) and America’s Best Dance Crew (the second best TV show ever made) as well as being the world’s greatest boxing analyst and sometimes host of the not at all strange Miss Teen USA Pageants.

Basically, he’s all kinds of wonderful. Mario Lopez is like life or death. Mario Lopez is like earth, wind and fire. Mario Lopez is like sex to a nympho. Mario Lopez is like ecstasy for ladies, he’s like all races combined in one man. Mario Lopez is like a poor man’s dream, a thug poet.

He’s half-man, half-amazing.

There’s no date set for the wedding, but the best pair of humans who ever lived are reportedly getting married in Mexico and the entire world has been invited.

We’ll be there, crying at the majesty of Mario Lopez.

Jesus Christ. If Coheed & Cambria weren’t lame enough, the bass player from the band (pictured right)  has only gone and done the most rubbish heist in human history. Not content with peddling wearisome lamerock, he’s gone and stolen some antacids from a chemist. With a phone.

Seriously. The pinhead, called Michael Todd, couldn’t even be bothered to write out a stickup note, preferring to tap it out on his mobile and show them that.

It probably said: ‘THS IS A STICKUP PT UR HNDS UP N GV ME ALL UR TABLTS OR ELSE PMSL kthnxbai‘

So what was this complete berk doing then? Well, he made off with a Massachusetts pharmacy’s prescription pain pills a matter of hours before his scheduled rock concert.

Presumably the tablets were to deal with the unbearable pain of a) Having to listen to his own music and b) Dealing with his gratingly sycophantic fanbase.

And even though it barely registers on the crime scale, Todd was arrested by bored policemen who had absolutely no idea he was in a vaguely famous group in the first place.

In fact, most of you haven’t got a clue who Coheed & Cambria are and too busy looking at the lovely picture of AC Slater above. For the record ‘AC’ stands for ‘Albert Clifford’. Of course, Slater was played by the dashing Mario Lopez who describes himself as a ‘committed Catholic’ and a conservative when it comes to voting.

You obviously know him from Saved By The Bell, but he’s appeared in a whole bunch of stuff. Did you know he was in an episode of  The Golden Girls as a Cuban boy named Mario who faced deportation? That must’ve been a gas!

Most recently, he appeared in Dancing with the Stars, finishing in second place, which is just great. Better yet, is that Lopez hosted the creepy sounding Miss Teen USA. AC Slater would’ve definitely approved.

What? Coheed & Cambria? No-one cares about those pricks do they?

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The people behind People magazine have snubbed us – but good.

Well, maybe they didn’t actually snub us – maybe we snubbed ourselves. See, the thing is our People magazine photo shoot just kinda imploded in on itself. For one thing nobody with a camera even showed up. For another, once we’d purchased a wind-up disposable we were trying to take all these sexy pictures of ourselves, but our jaw would jut-out, the light kept catching our uni-brow’s five o’clock shadow and for the life of us we just couldn’t get Photoshop to work right.

So they set the crown of ‘Hottest Bachelor’ on Slater instead. Yup – that mag seems to think Mario Lopez is hotter than everyone else in the world, which is a bit unfair because even though they didn’t give the title to us – they’ve never even met our baby brother.

He looks like a Brad Pitt/Blanche from Golden Girls hybrid for crying out loud.

Blanche was supposed to be the hot one, right?

We would really like an inquest into this Mario Lopez-gets-to-be People magazine’s ‘hottest bachelor’ embarrassment. For one thing Zack was far more attractive. For another thing we heard via grapevine that Lopez only looks like that because he gave himself worms to keep thin. This bad behavior is clearly going to be encouraged.

But it’s their magazine, and although we’re really not sure about how they arrived at this conclusion (though it probably had something to do with the light refracting off his sweat just right in his $21.99 workout video that hasn’t helped our gut at all) they’ve announced Mario Lopez as being the ‘Hottest Bachelor’:

“We first met PEOPLE’s Hottest Bachelor when he played good-guy A.C. Slater on Saved by the Bell. He’s since moved on to Dancing with the Stars and is now co-host of Extra’s weekend edition and star of Broadway’s A Chorus Line. Still, Lopez, 34 – here recreating Mark Wahlberg’s famous “Marky Mark” pose – says he wasn’t always so fit: “I was a fat, fat baby. I looked like a sumo wrestler. My mom had to pull the fat folds apart when she bathed me!”"

Well that’s it – now he’s gonna be absolutely impossible to work with. A few years ago when the most impressive thing on his resume was his beach-bike cop show he was insufferable already. The next dancing show he goes on he’ll no doubt insist on doing several awesome back-flips, fox trots with an altered beat and something he only refers to as the funky cosmonaut.

Insufferable we tell you.

To read more see ” Mario: Mr. Torn Torso, Only More So” on E! Online

Can you remember anyone who starred in Saved By The Bell? Nope neither can we, but we can barely recall the characters played in it.

There was um… Screech. Everyone knows Screech. You don’t? He was and still is the lovable geek who licked Mr Belding’s arse in order to avoid detentions when his zany antics got the better of him!

Screech aka Dustin Diamond didn’t really get up to much after Saved By The Bell. None of them did really. Some have done homemade porn, some have done erotic thrillers, and the others haven’t done anything to shake off their Saved By The Bell tag. Now Mario Lopez – who played AC Slater – is trying to make us believe he’s still not a total moron. We can now work up a sweat with Mario with his own fitness DVD.

In Saved By The Bell, AC Slater was the character who all the girls wanted to shag and all the blokes wanted to be like. Who wouldn’t want to be the jock of the school? He was the dog’s bollocks at every sport he played at and always led his team to glory in order to win naff-looking trophies. He’d leave us looking like morons in the egg and spoon race.

Mario Lopez has had a less than glittering career subsequently. He hasn’t quite been able to star in any shows that recaputured his early promise. Instead he’s just been doing one-off cameos in every TV show going. Not very good shows either. Most people will have watched his performances in TV films such as Holiday In Handcuffs and thought. “That’s the bloke from Saved By The Bell, what a tit.” But in his defence, he hasn’t done a Dustin Diamond. Which is good, because the world already has enough men who enjoy filming themselves smearing shit across women’s faces as it is.

The world has seen its fair share of fitness DVDs, and most are blatant cash-ins or a chance for a bloke to perv. Sonia from EastEnders just had a miracle fat burning one out and you could dance off the flab with everyone’s favourite reality TV trainwreck Jade Goody. Whilst those two were surely a last gasp attempt to make some cash, we really believe Mario Lopez is taking this seriously.

Probably far too seriously, which will evidently make him sound like a twat with quips like this. “Come on fool, work it with me AC Slater.” “Work harder maggot, Screech is whooping your ass” “How you gonna take Kelly to the prom with all the flab” “One day you’ll be able to flex your pecs like me and crack nuts in those badboys.”

Could this be the big break he needs to regain himself some fame? As betting people, we’ll say no and soon expect the announcement of a Saved By The Bell movie. A flash thirty years on from high school where we see Zack as a crack addict and Screech as a rent boy.

Read more:

Guess which one of these geeks has a fitness DVD out! – Heatworld