Britney Spears Slays Vegas, All Without Ever Actually Singing A Note

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britney spears vegas

Hands up, who would have thought ten years ago that Britney Spears would one day be in a Vegas act that didn’t involve ping pong balls and a bunch of dollar bills being shoved in a G-string?

Britney kicked off her Vegas residency on Friday and it looks like she managed to get through the entire thing without a Starbucks run, a pair of Ugg boots, or burping loudly. Not that you’d know if she had, because she did the whole show with her microphone firmly in the ‘off position’. Conservatorships are great, but they aren’t miracle workers.

Britney Spears Vegas Angel

The first of around 100 shows in the ‘Britney: Piece Of Me’ extravaganza opened in a blur of pyrotechnics, oiled up backing dancers and ginormous angel wings – and in between all these distractions, Britney even managed to find the time to inhale oxygen and exhale carbon dioxide. As Billboard put it:

‘The vast majority of the show was lip-synced, and only occasionally were any seemingly live vocals heard…there was a certain thrill in actually hearing Spears breathing into the microphone – however infrequent.’

Beyonce lip-syncs one song at Obama’s inauguration and gets slammed for it. Britney lip syncs almost an entire ninety minute set to  a sold-out crowd of paying customers and not only comes away with rave reviews but actually makes people excited to hear any kind of noise leaving her lips. The shit you can get away with when you’re a former Disney sweetheart! It’s no wonder Miley was seen front ‘n’ centre at the show, she was probably scribbling down notes for future reference. By the way, make the most of that sentence because that is the first and last time in my life I will ever compare Miley Cyrus to Britney.

Britney Spears Vegas Miley

I’m trying to remember a time when I saw a picture of Miley and she didn’t have her tongue hanging out like a Golden Labrador on heat.

Also in attendance were Katy Perry, Selena Gomez, Sia, Adam Lambert, and Mario Lopez, who experienced something that is either everyone’s wildest dream or worst nightmare.

Britney Spears Vegas Mario Lopez

He was pulled out of the audience during ‘Freakshow’, trussed up in some bondage gear and lead around the stage on all fours, while Britney pretended to spank him with a leather whip in front of around 4500 people. That’s either a fantasy or like dreaming about turning up to high school and finding out that you’ve forgotten to put your jeans on.

Against all odds, the critics seemed to have loved it, in their own way:

“One could almost make the argument that this show might entertain a non-Britney fan because of its production values, which is likely not the case with other residencies…If you don’t care for Elton John, not even a $10 million piano would keep you seated for his Vegas hit parade.”

That’s a little presumptuous. If that $10 million piano was painted with naked pictures of Bradley Cooper and randomly fired wads of cash into the air, I think I’d at least be tempted to stick around until after ‘Candle In The Wind’. That review was from USA Today, who also noted that the show “artfully melded spectacle with stagecraft”, which is about as poetic as you can get where a song called ‘Work Bitch’ is involved.

Britney Spears Vegas laser crotch

Not that anything the critics say is worth a damn – Britney is Britney, a ninety minute show off her shuffling around on stage in her jeggings and eating a family-sized bag of Funyuns would still sell out in minutes.Well done Britney, you’ve officially reached the stage in your career where you get applauded just for turning up. That‘s what you call living the dream.

 

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