Mariah Carey isn’t a woman to retire from the limelight too readily. In fact, even in the case of her husband – Nick Cannon – being all drug-eyed and dripped in hospital, recovering from kidney failure, she still wants in on the action.

Sweet, sweet fantasy babeh.

That’s right! She’s snapped her poorly husband and leapt on the bed with him while he looks half-dead in a bobble-hat, unintentionally creating the finest photograph ever taken in human history. And yes, you can see it over the jump.

The pair were apparently on holiday in Aspen for a break with their twins with stupid names (Morroccan and Monroe if you’re wondering) and suddenly, the America’s Got Talent presenter got sick.

Presumably, Mariah gave him a load of hassle and demanded to know why she wasn’t the focus of attention, before realising something was actually wrong and got him to a hospital.

Mariah tweeted the picture, along with the caption:

“Please pray for Nick as he’s fighting to recover from a mild kidney failure. #mybraveman.”

It has been reported that the hospital staff were very keen for Mariah to leave. We suspect she was oblivious to the reasons why this would be a good idea.

In an official statement on her website, Mariah said:

“This is us in the hospital – role reversal; Last year it was me attached to the machines (after having dembabies) and Nick was there with me through it, and now here we are.

“We’re trying to be as festive as possible under the circumstances but please keep Nick in your thoughts because this is very painful. They tried to kick me out of the hospital but here I am pon de bed with Mr. C.”

Wanna see?

We love our readers. From the very bottom of our hearts, we adore them and cherish their opinions on life, the universe and everything. Some of our readers are silent; observing the world of celebrity vicariously through our writers. We love them too, just not quite as much.

Other readers like to get as involved as they possibly can by adding witty add-ons to our pieces using their own inimitable senses of humour. Some others like to defend their favourite bands, actors and artists to the hilt by using the ol’ “if you don’t have anything nice to say…” quip before telling us that we deserve to die and spend eternity in the depths pits of hell for daring to take the piss out of people.

People with no sense of humour, basically. It is these people who we celebrate each week in Readers’ Letters, our weekly trawl through your comments and opinions, filtering the fantastic from the flotsam, the sublime from the shite. This week, we’ve done it as a video! Let Editor Mof guide you after the jump…

Woe is us.

Try and hum one of Mariah Carey’s big hits to yourself. In fact, any of her songs. You just can’t can you? As multi-millionaire recording artists go, she is utterly forgettable. Christ, we could whistle you at least two tunes by rubbish 90′s popsters Shampoo and they’re skint.

Well fear not, because something memorable is finally taking place in Mariah Carey’s Scary Towers. The Los Angeles Department of Children and Family Services are investigating allegations of alcohol and drug use against Carey and Nick Cannon shortly after the birth of their twins.

Do you hear that? ‘Shortly after’ the birth? They were still in the hospital, glugging Cristal and rolling fat biftas whilst Carey juggled two babies onto her copious fun-bags to fill them with narcotic breast-milk whilst heating-up her crack pipe?

Or not, as it more likely turns out, leaving us just feeling a bit bored. Like we are when we listen to a Mariah Carey record.

A source sighs:

“The case will probably remain open for the next week, out of abundance of caution”

“There has been absolutely no findings that either Mariah or Nick were doing anything illegal, or that could place the twins in danger.”

Oh well.

As you were.

Apparently the whole thing kicked-off after a nurse suggested to Mariah ‘that if you drink Guinness … the yeast improves breast-feeding’ according to Cannon. Which is interesting only in that we didn’t know they drank Guinness in America.

Reports that the nurse also advised Carey to avoid bartenders who insist on drawing a shamrock on the top when they pour it ‘because they are dicks’ are unconfirmed.

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Spring is in the air, those gloomy winter days are behind us for another year and we can look forward to all of the joys that the sunshine brings: flowers blooming, birds singing and, most importantly, BOOBS!

That’s right, it’s the time of year where celebrity clothes disappear at the same rate as clouds.

This week we’ve been treated to many a celebrity disrobing, so we’ll break them down one by one… over the jump you penises.

Nick Cannon and Mariah Carey:

Right, none of us actually care about what Nick Cannon’s love gun looks like, so we’re going to focus on his naked missus, Mariah.

Mimi has decided to strip off for various magazine covers (and some of those classy black and white pictures that apparently don’t count as porn) to show off her pregnancy bump, because that’s beautiful or something.

We here at hecklerspray aren’t as convinced, we’d much rather have seen her in the altogether before she was knocked up, but maybe that’s just us.

Kaley Cuoco:

She’s the one from the Big Bang Theory. When we initially heard that there were pictures of some lass from something called the Big Bang Theory with her knickers down we had pictured something completely different.

But we’ll give Kaley top marks for trying anyway, even if the picture was sold to us under false pretences.

Bridget Moynahan:

Her picture in the annual nude issue of Allure magazine (which is also the source of Kaley Couco, Keri Hilson and Ashley Tisdale’s naturist debuts) is lovely, but if we’re honest we have no idea who she is.

According to Wikipedia she’s some sort of model and actress who used to be married to an American football player.

Well… good for her.

Keri Hilson:

This is another picture from the rather grotty looking pile marked nice but of unknown origins. Hilson is an American R&B singer apparently, but we can’t really vouch for that.

All we can tell you is that we’re glad they went with her for this photo shoot and not Adele, because while Adele’s voice is beautiful you have to admit she has a bit of the Beth Ditto thing going on.

Ashley Tisdale:

Ms. Tisdale is the one from High School Musical who no one really paid attention to because Vanessa Hudgens was more attractive and a better actress/singer (which, when you think about it, says a lot more about Tisdale than it should).

Anywho, even though our Ashley looks good with her arse out, we can’t help but feel that this is just a cheap attempt to get as much attention as Vanessa does whenever she releases nude pics of herself.

The problem is that Vanessa is more willing to go down the hardcore route, which doesn’t leave Ashley with much of chance of being glanced at now, does it?

It might be worth mentioning that these are all professionally shot pictures, so there’s no chance of you gawping at nipples or anything naughty in the pictures (unless we’re talking about Vanessa ‘hardcore’ Hudgens), which is most likely the only reason you read this article anyway.

We probably should have put that at the start of the article. Sorry.

Pervert.

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Mariah Carey, who has been talking about her fucking babies non-stop for the past 4 months like anyone gives two hoots about her future pampered disappointments, has claimed that she has a newfound respect for mothers of the world.

Are we to assume she used to hate all mothers? It’s probably sensible to do so because she clearly hated anyone who wasn’t her for a big chunk of her life (and a bit of a suicide moment suggests she even hated Mariah Carey for a while). Although, she didn’t hate Gadaffi enough to not play a show for his family.

Anyway, she’s got some twins growing inside her and she won’t stop bloody talking about it.

The latest bit of dribbling, gooey brained babytalk from Mariah, who is under the impression that she’s the first human to ever be pregnant, has noted that she’s developed a lot respect for mothers since she got pregnant.

She said:

“I have so much respect for mothers everywhere, especially those who’ve had difficult pregnancies or given birth to multiples.

“We need to have Mother’s Day once a week!”

Oooh, you’d love that wouldn’t you, you monstrous sow. Of course, like every two-bit celebrity, she’s pointing at her stomach and shouting ‘PHOTOGRAPH THIS!’ as she predictably posed nude with her airbrushed bump exposed.

“I was feeling very vulnerable about taking pictures at all right now, but then I didn’t want to miss this opportunity to document this once-in-a-lifetime experience.

“My ultimate goal was to share this incredibly personal moment with my true fans.”

Get that ‘true fans’? You can stare at Mariah’s horribly extended stomach and fulfil her ultimate goal! Maybe, just maybe, she’ll set up a webcam so you can stare directly up her as the placenta flops from her torn, mangled flange too!

Hurray for celebrities! They really spoil us!

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Beyonce and Nelly Furtado have stepped forward, held their hands up and said “Ah. Didn’t really know we were playing gigs for the family of despotic leader Gaddafi and getting paid with blood money. Soz.”

And as such, the pair have given their pay cheques to charity, thereby, restoring a trace of belief in the world of pop. See? They are not all greedy, self-serving shits are they?

However, there’s still a few popsters who have failed to come forward and talk about the pennies they’ve earned from playing gigs for Colonel Gaddafi. Some are eerily quiet about the whole thing. However, Mariah Carey, who has thus far been silent has finally opened her mouth and… well… being more vague than a politician.

Carey played a gig on New Year’s Eve a few years back for the family of Muammar Gaddafi. She too, presumably didn’t notice the piles of cadavers that her car drove over to get to the gig and clearly missed the look of horror and fear in the eyes of the minions who delivered her rose scented Brandy to gargle on before hitting horribly high notes.

But now someone has told her about how grim the whole situation is and of course, she feels pretty bad about it all.

She says:

“I feel horrible and embarrassed to have participated in this mess.”

“I was naive and unaware of who I was booked to perform for. Going forward, this is a lesson for all artists to learn from”

“We need to be more aware and take more responsibility regardless of who books our shows. Ultimately, we as artists are to be held accountable.”

That’s nice. What about the money you earned from the show? Nelly Furtado and Beyonce have given the money to good causes… you’ll be doing the same, right?

Apparently, she’s going to give the cash from her new single, Save the Day, to a charity that promotes human rights.

Her publicist adds:

“Mariah has and continues to donate her time, money and countless hours of personal service to many organisations both here and abroad”

One overseas organisation being ‘Colonel Gaddafi’.

While this looks frightfully embarrassing for Mariah, at least she’s had the nerve to stick out her large neck while Usher, Timbaland and 50 Cent are still sticking their fingers in their ears and hoping it all goes away.

Maybe, just maybe, they’re planning on doing a gig with Robert Mugabe first before aligning themselves with blood-stained nutters before wanting to talk about it all.

*shrug*

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As we all know, Nelly Furtado announced that she gave away money earned from playing a private party for the family of Libyan fucknut Colonel Gaddafi, making her look like an altruistic saint compared to everyone else.

Everyone started pointing and muttering about Mariah Carey, 50 Cent, Usher and all the rest of the entertainment world who accepted piles of money covered in people’s blood and stinking of crude oil.

Would they give the money to charity? Would they stick their fingers in their ears until all this was swept under a rug made from Libyan cadavers? Well, not in Beyonce’s case. Why? Well she gave the money to charity last year and didn’t feel the need to tell everyone about because she really cool like that.

Of course, you could argue that Jay Z’s wife may have quickly flung the money into a charitable account and claimed to have done it last year… but that’d be really cynical, right?

Quite why artists felt it was okay to play a show for Gaddafi in the first place is beyond us. Everyone knows about Lockerbie don’t they? Gaddafi hasn’t exactly got a good track record when it comes to generally being nice and lovely with the rest of the world.

You’ll all be mega-surprised and shocked when you learn that loads of pop stars have done these shows and that, often, the most morally upstanding of people – supermodels – are frequently in attendance of these lavish bashes.

A music bizz chump says:

“They’ve done it for tons of artists.”

“These parties are jammed with supermodels. Those guys are all over the world.”

And while everyone gets on their high-horse, a rep for Beyonce states quietly that Beyonce – who played a New Year’s Eve gig for the Gaddafi family – sorted her business out ages ago.

Her publicist says:

“All monies paid to Beyoncé for her performance at a private party at Nikki Beach St. Barts on New Year’s Eve 2009, including the commissions paid to her booking agency, were donated to the earthquake relief efforts for Haiti over a year ago”

“Once it became known that the third-party promoter was linked to the Qaddafi family, the decision was made to put that payment to a good cause.”

Queen B’s $1million cheque was donated to the Clinton-Bush Haiti Fund established in the wake of last year’s devastating earthquake. That’s nice isn’t it?

Meanwhile, Libyans wonder why their leader and his kids got to hang out with Beyonce and supermodels when they live in absolute squalor.

In other news: James Blunt plays gig for Young Conservative party bash and gets paid 80p and a potential knighthood.

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Imagine playing a gig at the behest of Colonel ‘Do You Think He Might Have Had A Butcher Perform The Plastic Surgery On His Face?’ Gaddafi. His sons want a nice party with an internationally successful singer performing in the corner like a circus clown.

“Hi Supreme Thingy Gaddafi! Great place you got here! What a swell country! I barely noticed the pile of corpses I tripped over on the way in here! Haha! No, honestly, what a place! It’s a real honour sir…”

However, bafflingly, there’s a whole bunch of pop stars who have done exactly that. Performed gigs for huge sums of money, which presumably, really grease the throat when you have to swallow any moral leanings you might have about mad bastards running countries with a mixture of fear and Soul Glo hair products.

See, in Libya, certain people have a shit-load of money. And so, being inordinately wealthy, they can summon popstars to come and perform for them like monkeys. Popstars probably mutter about the missing riches thanks to those swine who illegally download their tracks in an attempt to justify playing for Gaddafi.

Truth is, it really is astonishingly easy money. If you can sleep at night that is. Or, of course, you’re toweringly dimwitted and completely unaware of the problems in the world.

And so, stepping up to the mound is the most unlikely of people.

Nelly Furtado is giving back the $1million fee she received four years ago after she pranced around at a private gig for the Gaddafi family.

Furtado says:

“In 2007, I received 1million$ from the Qaddafi clan to perform a 45 min. Show for guests at a hotel in Italy.”

“I am going to donate the $.”

Hardly eloquent, but she was using the 140 character limit of twitter. The fact remains though, that Furtado – a singer who may well not be able to afford to give away such a big sum of money (face it, she isn’t an enormo superstar is she?) – is showing a rare bit of decent moral judgement here, leaving other popstars looking nervously at their bank balances and thinking ‘Jeez! Do we have to do that too? I really like the house in the country I just bought and the fleet of motor cycles I just bought aren’t going to pay for themselves!’

Mariah Carey, Beyoncé and Usher are all people who have performed for the Gaddafi family. They’re gonna look pretty heartless if they just sit on their expensively oiled hands, whistling to themselves and generally trying to ignore all those people who are constantly staring and them.

Juventus Football Club and FIAT will no doubt be hoping that no-one starts asking them about the amount of money Gaddafi has invested into them too.

Sorry, what? We’re supposed to do some jokes?

Okay. Do you think Prince Harry will be attending Wills’ stag-do dressed as Gaddafi while blacked-up? He probably will won’t he? That’s because he’s a hilarious shit-fer-brains.

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You may have looked at Mariah Carey and thought “jeez! She’s piling the weight on now isn’t she?” Well, you massive tagnut, that’s because she’s eating for three these days. Yes, we know that she’s been eating for three for a while… but now, she’s got children growing in her stomach.

The massive freak.

That’s right. There’s two entirely separate humans growing up her slice and, because we crept into her room while she slept, we decided to have a little look up her nightdress and find out what type of humans she’d be squeezing out.

And so, Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon who once had sex without a condom on, hence the whole ‘hatching a pair of babies’ thing, will be furious with hecklerspray as we completely spoil their surprise news that they were hoping to get a magazine deal from.

Basically, after having a good rummage around, we can announce that Mariah will be screaming in agony and quite possibly soiling herself while taking in great gulps of prescribed drug vapours while forcing out…

A BOY AND A GIRL!

That’s just wonderful news isn’t it? There’s inbred people who live on the moorlands who dream of such a pairing, so they can indulge in some distressing animal husbandry with their own kids.

Not Mariah though. She’s just going to give them daft names and spoil them to the point where they will not be able to function as part of normal society when they’re approaching adulthood. This means we’ll invariably get to write about them in the future.

So there you have it. We’ve told some outrageous fibs and made some of the most disgusting jokes we could think of while delivering the news that Mariah will be having a boy and a girl, which is actually quite nice for them.

No piss off before we start gurgling cute asides about little shitting bundles of joy.

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Grammy Award winning singer and totally not gay Mariah Carey is, all going well, going to be firing two tiny, bloody humans from her front-garden. Of course, that doesn’t mean she’ll be catapulting dwarves from the front of her house, but rather, she has twins growing inside her.

That’s according to her claptrap husband Nick Cannon who blabbed the news to a U.S. radio show on Thursday.

Weirdly, we’re not the first people Mariah told. This news, as it is of utmost importance to national security, was delivered first to President Barack Obama and first lady Michelle Obama. We reckon Barack didn’t really give two hoots.

Nick Cannon sez:

“She shared with the President and the First Lady that we are having twins.”

He then added:

“I haven’t even told my wife I was doing this, so I am probably going to get yelled at for not getting permission.”

The thought of Mariah, holed up and staring at the undulating weight for her bosoms is probably sharpening objects to throw at her beau for having the audacity to upstage her.

Mariah is clearly a woman who likes to be in control of a situation so there’s a good chance her fella will be limping around with a black-eye in the coming weeks as she lamps him repeatedly with a Grammy until he learns his stupid place.

He blabbered on further:

“A recent ultrasound revealed everything is A-OK, both babies are healthy, in tip-top shape. The doctors are extremely happy. We are extremely happy”

Lets hope she gives the babies really stupid names like Pinkles and Schmoo-Schmoo. Mariah – we’re counting on you.

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When you think of Mariah Carey, what words flash across your stupid little brains? She’s mental? She’s completely divorced from the real world? She doesn’t half overcook the histrionics when a simple melody would do the trick? That you like her rack?

Well, apparently, the entire world has been suggesting that she’s bisexual. That’s right. It totally passed us by as well.

And now, to knock-back a rumour that seemingly didn’t exist in the first place, Mariah is coming out to say she’s not coming out.

Accusations of being homosexual must be really, really irritating for a celebrity. If you leap to your feet and yell ‘HOW DARE YOU?! HOW VERY PISSING DARE YOU SUGGEST THAT I, THE STRAIGHTEST PERSON WHO EVER LIVED, WOULD BE A TOILET TRADER?!’, that could make you look rather homophobic.

In case of Mariah, she’s even been married twice and now has a baby growing inside her which we assume was put there by a man ejaculating into her. What has she gotta do to convince you otherwise? Does the lady protest too much?

Either way, Carey is now stating that she’s totally a non-gay.

She says:

“If it makes somebody happy to say that, then whatever, but that’s not the reality. I don’t have a discriminatory policy of who I’m friends with, so yes, I’m friends with women who are gay – gay, straight, it doesn’t matter to me. So I don’t get upset when I hear that, because it is what it is. I guess I could lie about it to seem more exciting.”

How irritatingly grown-up and progressive is that? We can’t even mock her with unfounded ‘Yeah, yeah! You would say that, what with your being a closet lavenderist wouldn’t you?!‘ She just doesn’t give two shits about the whole thing!

She’s even going as far to be really cool about gay rights backs in the U.S.

“If two people want to get married, it’s their prerogative – we hope. Everybody should be able to do what they want to do and be in the pursuit of happiness. Ever since I was a little girl, my mother was very open-minded and had many different types of friends, so being gay never seemed wrong or strange to me.”

Mercifully for us, Mariah Carey has a number of other facets which provide us with ammo for sneering, throwaway articles… like that dead, glassy look in her eyes and the fact she’s as weird as a shrieking bookshelf.

And better yet, she’s only going to get more peculiar the older she gets. We’re very much looking forward to Mariah becoming the next Elizabeth Taylor.

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Alongside awkwardly snogging a work colleague during the works festive party, Christmas always throws up annual events that throw us off the true meaning of remembering a bloke nailed to a piece of wood.

Forgetting to purchase a turkey means inferior processed lunch slices of the same meat are stapled to a chicken in a poor attempt to fool dinner guests. And everyone’s wrapped presents in tinfoil after forgetting wrapping paper.

Another annual festive tradition is the Christmas number one single. In recent years, it has become a slight uphill battle with the X-Factor hype machine almost guaranteeing the winning a spot at number one.

However last year saw one of the few Facebook petitions actually work as Joe McElderry was derailed to number two with sixth form rebels Rage Against The Machine crowned victors.

Will an X-Factor winner rekindle the tradition? Or can any of these select tracks become a number one alternative?

Coldplay – Christmas Lights

This is a Coldplay song that sees the band follow their own unique method of writing music that divides people like marmite. Starting with a slow and seemingly bland piano chord, the tempo is increased marginally, decreased and built up again. Whilst the lyrics do mention Christmas it oddly references fighting. We’re not sure if this is about battling for that last present on the shelf, or scrapping after one too many Christmas sherries.

The Killers – Boots

After the bilge that was Brandon Flowers solo album, The Killers have reformed for a Christmas that in theory should have us all excited about their next studio album. Like Christmas turkey, this is an awkward affair that we want to forget about instead of a succulent moist cut we want to consume. Flowers sounds like he recorded the vocal as a demo and the producer mistook it as the finished product. The only aspect making us believe it’s a Christmas song is the bell chime that has been randomly chucked in.

Kunt And The Gang – Use My Arsehole As A C**t

Probably the least festive sounding out of all the potential number ones, we could spend all day saying why we love this song. Instead, we asked its creator to say a few words:

“I think my song Use My Arsehole As A Cunt should be number 1 for Christmas because it serves as a warning to the X-Factor people about the kind of sacrifices you have to make to get into the music business. Also, it has a memorable title, something which is important in the modern era of bland identikit pop.

Furthermore, I have managed to re-work a version of the song into a piece of topical satire by altering the lyrics slightly to tell the story of Nick Clegg agreeing to the coalition with the Conservatives. Clever, I hear you say. I wish it had been my idea, I say.”

John Cage – 4.33

Our occasional needy editor Mof Gimmers predicted that this piece of work would be used as an alternative Christmas number one over a year ago. Comprising of four minutes and thirty three seconds of silence, this is what we to believe a postmodern version of the Christmas carol Silent Night. Facebook geeks are currently pushing this as 2010s hilarious option.

Mariah Carey – All I Want For Christmas Is You

This was originally released in 1994, a time when people bought physical records and when the internet was a geek’s wank medium for online gaming. Thanks to developments in software like iTunes, songs from Christmas past are now coming past to haunt us. As soon as December 1st came, radio and TV reminded us of Christmas music we’d rather forger. Normally, you’d have to buy a battered copy of this record on eBay. Now, you can download it on multiple sites, relive the past and forget about it when December 26th rolls round.

For some stupid reason, you can’t embed this video, so click here if you’ve been living in a cave and haven’t even heard it.

Paul Simon – Getting Ready For Christmas Day

This is a good old fashioned musical stomper that rejects choirs, angelic singing and images of Santa in its promotional video. Instead, this is a foot stomping bluesy number that took us by surprise. Lyrically, it tells the story of the stresses before Christmas day kicks in before bankrupting us all.

In terms of musical disruption, Kunt And The Gang’s offering gets the thumbs up from us. Because we have two hands, we’ll also give Paul a thumbs up for the ability to make a cracking Christmas song without making it a ballad or so over the top in festivities we want to vomit.

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New parents are the most unbearable shits on Earth. They chronicle every puke stain and pissy gusset for the world to hear about. Other parents encourage them by thrilling about baby faeces and the whole thing goes round and round in some disgusting, tedious, needy circle.

So imagine, if you will, the prospect of Mariah Carey being a new parent. She’s detached from the world to the point where she’s akin to a boat that has been left to drift in the sea. Not only that, but she’s astonishingly needy for attention.

We’ve got all this to come as the singer has confirmed that she’s going to have a baby, which will no doubt by completely warped by the time it reaches schooling age.

Mariah and her husband, ‘America’s Got Talent’ host and rapper Nick Cannon, made the announcement in an interview broadcast on NBC’s Today Show.

Eerily, they’re both carrying the child.

Carey:

“Yes, we’re pregnant, this is true. It’s still early, we’re expecting in the spring.”

She added:

“It’s been a long journey, but it’s been tough because I have been trying to hold on to a shred of privacy and that was not easy.”

The long journey doesn’t refer to the sex they kept having to try and get the symbiotic creature into her womb, but rather, the actually sad news of Carey suffering a miscarriage soon after she and Cannon married back in 2008.

That doesn’t stop the prospect of Mariah Carey – Uber Mother being terrifying. This is a child that will be more pampered than Paris Hilton’s dogs.

We fully expect the baby to have a ridiculous and made-up name too. Think along the lines of Jermajesty Jackson or FiFi Foxglove Windowsill Geldof (or whatever this shit she’s called).

Our suggestions for Mariah’s baby-name are ‘Scattercushion’, ‘Kristal Tipps’, ‘Dream’, ‘Jesus Christ Our Lord’, ‘Implant’ or ‘Buy My New Album Please’.

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The first rule of being a celebrity is to surround yourself with hundreds and hundreds of berserk animals.

Which brings us to the second rule. The second rule of being a celebrity is to be nice to your vet. Learn their name, send them a card at Christmas and for God’s sake pay them on time. Michael Jackson, for instance, was once sued by a vet for not paying his bill on time. And look what happened to him. We’re not saying it was directly connected to his death, just that there’s no smoke without fire.

So Mariah Carey should watch out. She’s also being sued for not paying her vet. Now, we’re not saying that one day Mariah Carey will end up on the wrong side of a tranquiliser dart or a rabid duck or anything. Just, you know, that there’s no smoke without fire. Whatever that means.

Not only is Mariah Carey rich, but it’s also perfectly clear where she spends all her money. There are jewels. There are shoes. There are about a million assistants at any given point in time. There, needless to say, is booze. But animal care? That’s a slightly greyer area.

You see, a vet named Dr Cindy Bressler is suing Mariah Carey for not paying a bill in full. Bressler claims that she performed work on Mariah Carey’s dogs JJ, Dolemite and Cha-Cha, and that the work was worth a total of $37,790.32. However, Carey has apparently only paid her around $8,000 and is refusing to hand over any more. The New York Post reports:

Bressler, who does house calls in Manhattan and the Hamptons, says she tended to the trio “at the special instance and request” of the “Precious” star between October 31 and December 2 of last year. Bressler “rendered veterinary services including extraordinary services to the defendant’s canines,” the suit says.

$37,790.32. $37,790.32. Now we’re sure that Mariah Carey loves her animals and everything, but $37,790.32 for three dogs seems like an awful lot of money. Let’s hope that they were either really ill or needed a lot of plastic surgery, because that’s the only way to justify such a mental sum of money. In fact, if you’ve got $37,790.32 lying around, you probably don’t even need vets. You could just let the dogs die and then buy some new dogs. Some robot dogs. Some robot dogs made of gold. Some robot dogs made of gold that are AS BIG AS A BOAT! And have LASER EYES! And can POO DIAMONDS!

So, yeah, Mariah Carey probably should have just done that instead. It would have saved her a lot of bother, anyway.

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If you want to have a quick laugh, look at all the Mariah Carey headlines on Google News at the moment.

One says ‘Mariah Carey Pregnant!’. Another says ‘Mariah Carey pregnant?’. The one after that says ‘Mariah Carey Pregnant!’ again. It’s a nice mixture of certainty and cluelessness, like watching a puppy bat its paw at a scorpion. For the record, we couldn’t decide whether to go with ‘Mariah Carey Pregnant!’ or ‘Mariah Carey Pregnant?’ so we’re going to go with ‘Mariah Carey Pregnant?!?!’, even though it makes us sound vaguely astonished at the fact that Mariah Carey even has a functioning womb.

Anyway, is Mariah Carey pregnant? Oh, God knows. Haven’t you people got better things to worry about? Jesus.

Listen, if Mariah Carey is pregnant, we need to brace ourselves for the worst. First Alicia Keys got pregnant, and then Celine Dion got pregnant. And now Mariah Carey might be pregnant. You know what this means? It means that Susan Boyle will definitely be next. And for all you know, you could end up being the father. Just be vigilant, that’s all we’re saying.

But back to Mariah Carey. She prompted rumours that she was pregnant back in 2008, when she refused to drink alcohol during an episode of Ellen – rumours she put to rest a year later by a) getting shitfaced at an awards show and, perhaps more relevantly, b) not having a baby. But now it’s being reported – yet again – that Mariah Carey is definitely pregnant. MTV reports:

Rumors that went into overdrive when it announced last week that Carey would no longer be starring in Tyler Perry’s latest opus, “For Colored Girls Who Have Considered Suicide When the Rainbow Is Enuf.” On Wednesday, a “source close to” the couple said “They’re both very excited and very happy. Mariah and Nick want to keep the pregnancy quiet as long as they can.”

Oh, the old ‘getting out of starring in an awful-sounding Tyler Perry film by pretending to be pregnant’ trick. We’ve all been there.

So at least we know that if Mariah Carey isn’t pregnant, she’s trying to get pregnant with every fibre of her being. Because if she hasn’t at least got a visible bump in a few months, then Tyler Perry will smell a rat and force Mariah Carey into starring in his next film – a film that’ll have a longer and even more pointless title than this one does. Nobody wants that. Literally nobody.

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