Hollywood – it’s quite a place. And it takes some figuring out, with its crazy unwritten rules, and big fat men on phones calling the shots. But one trick that has surfaced over the last few years is that if you’re quite pretty and you want to be taken seriously in a film, you’ve got to demand that your character is hideous to look at. Philip Seymour Hoffman has been pulling this stunt for years.

And, other hotties like Charlize Theron, Halle Berry and Nicole Kidman have picked up on it and become so revolting in movies that the pipe smoking women who vote for the Oscars decided that they had sacrificed enough for a statuette. Now, you can add another unusual name to that list of stunners-gone-ugly – Mariah Carey.

That’s right – Mariah Carey. The same Mariah Carey who probably demands that a professional stylist detousles her hair and powders her face whilst she sleeps took a massive punch from the ugly fist for her role in the widely well-received Oprah Winfrey produced, Precious – the tale of a fat girl growing up in New York, and having a really rotten time of things. Only this weekend, it took the main prize at the Toronto International Film Festival, having previously left the film criticising world totally agog at the Sundance version a few months ago. Carey plays a supporting role as social worker called Mrs Weiss, who wears homely clothes, like woolly jumpers, and normal everyday trousers. Clothes which you might see on yourself where you to look deeply into a mirror, but have been missing from the Carey wardrobe for years.

Even her big pumped-up bosoms miss out on their usual airing beneath a thin film of near-transparent cotton, meaning that she’s really pulled out the stops for this one. And so she should. Her movie career so far has been humiliating at best, and something that she should be rather ashamed of at worst. In particular, her turn in Glitter – a film so awful and flimsy that it made Purple Rain look like Ben Hur – was heart-stoppingly bad, earning her a Razzie for Worst Actress. And since then, any movie with her name in the credits has been avoided, ignored, or has caused infuriated audience members to brick up the cinema in disgust. But no more. She’s unthinkably rancid in this one, hence she could bag a more impressive gong to bookend her vast library of self help manuals with the Razzie at the other end, facing the wall.

According to Lee Daniels, who directed Precious:

“(Precious is) for every person who looked in the mirror and felt unsure of the person looking back.”

A reflective film.

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It’s becoming clear that Eminem and Mariah Carey are the Richard Burton and Elizabeth Taylor of pop.

No, wait, that’s wrong. We meant to say that Eminem and Mariah Carey are the honking, toothless, meth-addicted, redneck, laundry-airing Jerry Springer guests of pop. Yes, that’s better.

So far, Eminem wrote a song about having sex with Mariah Carey, then Mariah Carey wrote a song calling Eminem obsessed, and now Eminem has written a song threatening to release voicemails and nude pictures of Mariah. Coming soon, Mariah says that Eminem runs like a girl and has fleas and wets the bed. IDST.

Not since Hilary Duff said something vaguely obtuse about Faye Dunaway’s age has a celebrity spat gripped the world like this. Mariah Carey (a woman who’s about to bring a new album out) and Eminem (a man who recently brought a new album out and has a bit-part in a new movie that just happens to be released in America today) are at each other’s throats.

It’s thrilling. Eminem and Mariah Carey don’t care any more. They don’t care if they hurt themselves, they don’t care if they hurt each other, they don’t care if all of this tedious bickering helps to mutually raise their profiles and spur on dramatic increases in the number of records that they both sell. It’s crazy – they’re literally out of control.

It all stems from the relationship that Eminem and Mariah Carey had back in 2001, during one of the brief windows where Mariah wasn’t having a mental breakdown and Eminem wasn’t busy divorcing and remarrying his wife. Eminem referred to the relationship in his song Bagpipes From Baghdad, which we haven’t heard because it’s got the words ‘bagpipes’ and ‘Baghdad’ in the title and therefore probably sounds like a goat having its diaphragm pummelled.

But anyway, whatever Eminem said in the song, it was enough to make Mariah Carey dress up as a man and call Eminem a liar in her new song, entitled Obsessed. And this, somewhat inevitably, has caused Eminem to write another song about Mariah Carey, The Warning, in which he variously:

* Threatens to release a number of intimate phonecalls and photographs from their time together

* Describes an encounter where he accidentally ejaculated onto Mariah Carey’s stomach

* Calls Mariah Carey an ‘alcoholic’, a ‘liar’ and a ‘whore’

* Inevitably opens the door for Mariah Carey to release yet another song about Eminem – possibly accompanied by a video where she’s dressed up as a monkey or a unicorn or something – that goes on and on and on and on and on and forces Emimen to write yet another poxy bloody song about her.

But we’ve teased you for long enough – here’s The Warning by Eminem…

Now, whoever you choose to side with here, it’s probably fair to say that neither Eminem or Mariah Carey comes out of this looking particularly good. If you ask us, there’s nothing more pathetic than when someone starts publicly insulting another figure for no other reason than to boost their own warped desire for attention.

Which reminds, us – that Robert Pattinson, eh? What an arsehole.

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Hecklerspray truly believes there will come a day when we’ll wake up and stand on a conveyor belt. First we’ll slide past the pee station, then we’ll brush our teeth, we’ll choose a daily gender and then we’ll probably eat some porridge that a robot made for us.

Perhaps the pee station should be after the gender changing one – it’d be more convenient that way if we’re too tired to pull down our pants after being girls the day before.

Until that day, everyone except Mariah Carey‘ll just have to live with what God or scalpel has given us.

M. Carey seems to be jumping on some kind of a bandwagon. After all – it was just last week or something that we found out Cher’s daughter was giving in to her life long battle of not having a penis.

Wait – you don’t even know what we’re talking about, do you? Well this is it – Mariah Carey is a man now. Temporarily. For a music video. It’s a dig at Eminem. The New York Daily News can delve out the specifics:

“This is not your everyday poseur Eminem wannabe – it’s Mariah Carey, who dressed as the controversial rapper while filming her new video “Obsessed” in New York today. You may recall that in Eminem’s “Bagpipes From Baghdad” song, he warns Carey’s husband, Nick Cannon, to “back the f— up.”"

We’re told that in order to keep a hormonal balance in the house, Nick Cannon is probably gonna start wearing sun dresses. He’s already got a decent collection, and now he feels he can break them out without causing as awkward a pause in the conversation. Imagine the freedom he’s probably feeling for the first time right now.

We’d just like to know how far Carey is willing to take this whole becoming-Eminem thing. We all know she’s been talking about him for long enough, but if she ever shows up to D12 band practice or divorces Kim Mathers 100 times, well that might just be too much for all to bare.

But we’re not saying we wouldn’t write about it.

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9 - You know who we’ve been neglecting lately? Female rappers – Interestment

8 – This delicious-looking piece of computing equipment would last three seconds if it came anywhere near us. It looks disturbingly delicious – Geekologie

7 – Jonathan Ross and Graham Norton battle to the DEATH. Not really to the death. And not really a battle. But still, eh? – Watchwithmothers

6 - Witness Lady GaGa’s gigantic hairy button. You heard – Amy Grindhouse

5 - It is summer. Therefore, you must make a summer pudding. Here’s how - Domesticsluttery

4 - The greatest video of people accidentally blowing themselves up that you will ever see – Holytaco

3 - Men who call the emergency services because McDonalds short-changed them deserve to be king of the world. Fact - I Am Bored

2 - This is something called a Meatini. It may very well haunt your nightmares for years to come – Rathergood

1 - Men we would give up one of our testicles to be: Isao Machii. This video is quite long, but completely worth it…

Precious is heavy…

And we’re not talking about the main character, Clareece ‘Precious’ Jones.  Actress Gabourey Sidibe teams up with comedian Mo’Nique, Mariah Carey and Paula Patton to tell an urban tale of abuse, self hatred and feeling worthless.

Main character Precious, is 16, illiterate and pregnant for the second time by her father. Her mother is an abusive tyrant, she’s persecuted at school and lives a life of general misery. This gritty drama will hit you with a sobering dose of life’s realities, set to the grim backdrop of Harlem, NY.

All that Precious wants is to be loved, acknowledged and good at something, but she’s constantly held back by the sour negativity of her life. She transfers to a special school program, and meets Miss Rain (Paula Patton) and welfare officer Mrs Weiss (Mariah Carey) after being forced to sign on by her mother. Slowly, they work their way into Precious’ life and make a bid to change it for the better.

Based on the novel Push by Sapphire, this is not an easy movie, but one evoking thought and reflection.

But at least America’s Got Talent knows this. That’s why, to replace Jerry Springer, the new host of America’s Got Talent has been named as Nick Cannon. Nick Cannon. Oh, you know Nick Cannon. He’s Mariah Carey’s husband.

Anyway, to help Nick Cannon fit in, America’s Got Talent is changing its name to suit him. Currently it’s a toss-up between America Once Met A Stripper Called Talent, America’s Got A Rampant Desire For Fame and America Got Married To Someone With Talent For The Money.

It must be hard being Nick Cannon. Not only is he married to Mariah Carey – and is therefore totally eclipsed in terms of recognition, wealth and basic human ability as her – but his sudden engagement and marriage to Mariah has meant that he’s subject to all sorts of accusations of gold-digging and the like.

Plus, you know, it’s Mariah Carey – so Nick Cannon knows that he’s just one innocent request away from bearing the brunt of a berserk screaming mental tantrum.

So, to counter all the accusations made against him, Nick Cannon has decided to earn his keep. And, since his Wikipedia page pegs him as an actor and a rapper, it’s only natural that he’ll do this by becoming a television presenter. And he won’t be presenting any old TV show, either – Nick Cannon will be presenting America’s Got Talent.

Nick Cannon has been recruited to join America’s Got Talent after previous host Jerry Springer bowed out last week, presumably after coming down with a nasty case of ‘If I Even As Much As See One More Bastard Sodding Juggler Again I Swear To God I’m Going To Machinegun A Bloody Orphanage-itis’. E! Online reports:

“I’m thrilled to be working with NBC,” Cannon said, adding that network brass “understand my vision as not only an entertainer but as a creative show producer. I look forward to working with the network and their executive team on America’s Got Talent and other shows to come.”

See? Nick Cannon isn’t just an entertainer, but a ‘creative show producer’. Let’s hope he brings some of his unique vision to the new season of America’s Got Talent, which we expect will feature segments including ‘Who’s the most famous person that you can unexpectedly knock up?’ and ‘the weekly 15-minute reminder of who Nick Cannon is and exactly what he’s doing on your TV screen’.

Oh, we’re just kidding – after Jerry Springer and Regis Philbin, Nick Cannon is going to bring in a whole new younger generation of viewers for America’s Got Talent. The man’s going to transform the show’s appeal – not only is the 16-34 audience share going to skyrocket once Nick Cannon steps aboard, but also the highly sought-after ‘Viewers Rendered Too Incapacitated By Alcohol, Laziness Or Morbid Depression To Stand Up And Look For Their Remote Control To See What Else Is On’ demographic. Nick Cannon is a winner!

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That’s why Mariah Carey only makes music videos that feature her wriggling around in a bra or splashing about in a bikini in slow motion, and it’s also why Mariah Carey only releases songs called Touch My Body or Squeeze My Knockers or Stare Up My Bumhole. Appearing to be constantly sexually available is Mariah Carey’s one promotional cornerstone.

And that explains Mariah Carey’s alleged rage at husband Nick Cannon for telling the world that Mariah enforced a strict ‘no sex before marriage’ policy upon meeting him. Mariah Carey not instantly thwapping it all on a plate? That’s the kind of loose talk that destroys careers! Luckily Mariah Carey is a pro, so she’s fixed the problem herself by heavily implying that she sucked Nick off a bunch of times before the wedding. No joke.

Mariah Carey’s genitals have been in the news to a terrifying degree lately, haven’t they? As well as being the insinuated focus of every song she’s recorded in the last five years, we’ve also had to put up with all kinds of talk about their role in aiding the pregnancy that Mariah Carey gets so jittery talking about.

But that’s not all, not by a long margin. You see, Mariah Carey’s husband Nick Cannon has also been recruited into this rolling vaginal news cycle, which is why he recently told anyone who’d listen that Mariah Carey wouldn’t have sex with him from the day they met until the day they were married. Which, by our calculations, works out at slightly less than two days.

Oh, that’s not true. Actually it was two months. But anyway, by discussing their sex life so candidly, Nick Cannon broke the sacred bond of trust he had with Mariah Carey – the trust that silently implies to the world that Mariah Carey will have it away with anyone she likes, whenever she likes, while probably making a noise a bit like a dolphin on a rollercoaster.

It’s OK, though, because Mariah Carey knows exactly how to deal with situations like this – yes, she might have caved into peer pressure and had a two-month stretch of vague chastity, but that doesn’t mean she couldn’t be a teensy bit slaggy. SFGate reports:

She says “Why did he tell that story? He just told people… I didn’t want him to let everybody know that but I never said anything about it; I didn’t say, ‘Don’t tell people’.” But Carey insists it’s not as if they were complete innocents in the run up to their fairytale wedding: “We were intimate but weren’t completely intimate in the biblical sense.”

An expert intervention, Mariah. We’ll admit that we were worried about you for a second there. But, no, by alluding to a possible blowjob or – at the very least – a grubby couple of tugs on your boyfriend’s little soldier, you have absolutely restored your dignity to its previous levels.

But still, at least now we can see why Nick Cannon got married to Mariah Carey so quickly – it was because she made him wait for sex. There’s a message there, girls – if you want a boy to marry you, withhold sex.

Oh, and be so incredibly rich and famous that he’ll propose before he even knows you properly, because he understands that you’ll buy him all the crap he could possibly ever wish for and then get piles of cash when he invariably divorces you after the first couple of years. That helps too, we hear.

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Or words to that effect, anyway. We’ve been hearing a few rumours recently suggesting that Mariah Carey and her still husband Nick Cannon have got a baby on the way. And despite her prickly diva reputation, Mariah Carey is only to happy to directly address these rumours.

OK, not completely directly. But Mariah Carey will break into a deep sweat, shuffle awkwardly in her seat, giggle nervously, spout all kinds of tangential gibberish and look around anxiously for someone, anyone, who can put an end to the torture she’s going through if you do happen to ask her about pregnancy. Which, by chance, is exactly what Mariah Carey did on The Ellen DeGeneres Show today.

Despite her fame and fortune, Mariah Carey has dealt with no end of terrible periods in her life. She’s had an enormous wibbling mental breakdown, she’s been involved in a marriage so miserable that she used to fantasise about being kidnapped and she’s performed a duet with Westlife. All horrible, awful, unthinkable things to have to deal with.

So Mariah Carey deserves some happiness in her life. And if she wants that happiness to come in the form of a tiny screaming poo-machine that’s both massively expensive and eternally ungrateful, then so be it.

Ever since Mariah Carey got married to Nick Cannon earlier this year, after knowing him for appromixately a third of a second, she’s had babies on her mind constantly. This is either because Mariah Carey is full of love just waiting to be unleashed onto a new life, or because she heard that babies totally fit into that new chichi Prada handbag, but we suppose the motivation isn’t that important at the moment.

The point is, Mariah Carey might actually be pregnant now. She might not be, of course, but the low-level nervous breakdown that Mariah Carey had on The Ellen DeGeneres Show the instant that the topic of pregnancy was brought up would suggest that she’s either pregnant or needs to get a repeat prescription for her nutty pills.

To begin with, Mariah Carey was only too happy to talk about the state of her pregnancy, but then – in a stroke of something dazzling close to genius – DeGeneres brought out the champagne and the brought on Mariah’s terrified wibblefit. MTV reports:

Mariah then gave her a whole slew of excuses, other than being pregnant, for not drinking the bubbly. “It’s just fattening!” she said. “This is peer pressure! … It’s too early for me. I only drink after 3 p.m.” You can’t blame Ellen for trying. “No, let’s toast to you not being pregnant,” she ventured. Mariah, who only pretended to sip her champagne, wasn’t down for that sort of toast either.

Mariah Carey should know that shifty behaviour like that is only going to spur on more pregnancy speculation, but let’s give her the benefit of the doubt – maybe Mariah Carey really does believe that champagne is fattening and she really doesn’t drink before 3pm.

If that’s the case, then we completely blame Ellen DeGeneres for not getting a definitive pregnancy statement out of Mariah Carey. Champagne was clever, but not foolproof. Ellen needed a follow-up scheme to really chase Mariah down. So we don’t know if Mariah Carey is pregnant for sure at the moment, but we definitely would if Ellen had thought to try any or all of these lines…

“Cigarette?”

“Let’s have a punching each other in the stomach competition!”

“You know what I think we should do right now? Eat raw hotdogs in a sauna!”

“Why do we see who can hide this unfolded coathanger up their own body the fastest!”

Oh Ellen. That Pulitzer Prize will never be yours unless you buck your ideas up.

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Everyone knows that the celebrity courting ritual involves an absurdly quick marriage to someone you just met, then an equally quick divorce followed by the adoption of an African kid who you decide to name Jifrizznia Grundlequack and then raise alone, filling it with a warped notion of reality that will ruin their lives when they grow up.

Not Mariah Carey, though – after her absurdly quick marriage to Nick Cannon, Mariah Carey apparently wants to skip the divorce and go straight to the child section. And get this, Mariah Carey doesn’t even want to adopt one – she wants to play god and grow a baby in her own stomach. Looks like it might be time for Mariah Carey to start taking her nutty pills again.

Remember when Mariah Carey’s wedding to Nick Cannon was a secret? Remember when nothing was officially confirmed by either party? Yeah, it seems like such a golden time in retrospect, doesn’t it?

Because now the only way we think we’re going to be able to get Mariah Carey to shut up about her wedding is to creep up on her in her sleep and smack her in the throat with a table leg one night. And obviously we wouldn’t want to do that because it would stop her from releasing any more mus… wait, that’s a brilliant idea.

Sadly, the law and a number of court-enforced restraining orders means that we’re not actually able to do that, so our best hope is that Mariah Carey just talks herself out soon. Hopefully it won’t be much longer – we’ve already heard about that ‘Mrs Cannon’ tattoo Mariah Carey got on her back, and now she’s also gone on Ellen to yammer about being married as well, and the woman’s only got so much breath left, surely.

In fact, Mariah Carey even went one better than just talking about being married to the least famous man on the planet – she also told Ellen that she wants him to get her pregnant as soon as possible. The Chicago Tribune reports:

Asked on Ellen Degeneres’ show whether she is thinking about having kids, she told DeGeneres, “Yeah. I mean I always said, I think we’ve actually talked about it. … It was like, ‘Would you ever think about having kids?’ and I said … If I found the right person who I felt would be on the same page as me in terms of raising kids and having the same belief system.”

Yes, it’s always good to be on the same page as the person you’re having a baby with – something you can read more about in Mariah Carey’s forthcoming book Extinguishing The Joy Out Of Pregnancy With Tiresome Middle-Management Jargon.

But good luck to Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon – if the sound of her biological clock has grown louder than the sound of her basic rational thought process, then who are we to argue? All we know is that Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon should hurry up if they want to have a baby – they have a messy, regret-filled divorce scheduled for the middle of next month, after all.

Read more:

First comes love, then comes marriage … – CT

This is obvious from the way that Mariah Carey kept quiet about her marriage to Nick Cannon. She knows that weddings are sacred and personal and she doesn’t want to sully that by making it public. That’s our definition of dignity.

Our definition of dignity also includes a) confirming your marriage to People magazine, b) selling your wedding photos to the same magazine, c) yammering on endlessly about your marriage to the magazine like a froth-mouthed nutbag, and d) getting a marriage-proclaiming tattoo across your back so even people who you aren’t directly looking at can see that you’re married. Mariah Carey has done all of these things recently.

Perhaps we need to buy a new dictionary.

Mariah Carey isn’t an idiot. True, there’s a chance that having a conversation with her might be about as fun as having a conversation with two tennis balls in a string bag, but she’s not an idiot by any means.

Although Mariah Carey may have launched into a harebrained marriage to Nick Cannon last week after knowing him for approximately a tenth of a nanosecond, but that doesn’t mean she’s taken leave of her senses. As we revealed yesterday, Mariah Carey definitely got a prenup before she married Nick Cannon. That means that when the marriage inevitably sours after a couple of months, Mariah can just cut Nick Cannon loose and carry on as if he never existed.

Except, you know, for the massive ‘Mrs Cannon’ tattoo that Mariah Carey’s had etched into her back forever. Whoops.

Mariah Carey has at last officially confirmed her marriage to Nick Cannon via People magazine, where she also sold her wedding photos. And in the accompanying interview, Mariah Carey also got to reveal that her marriage wasn’t a stupid last-minute affair because they’d known each other for, like, almost a month and she’d already had his name written indelibly on her skin which is a bit like marriage anyway. BBC News reports:

“We really do feel we are soul mates – I never felt a love like this was in the cards for me,” the 38-year-old told People magazine.” It was a love-at-first-sight thing. Since we’ve been together, we’ve been inseparable,” Cannon told the magazine. According to People, Cannon had proposed to the singer on the rooftop of her New York apartment building just five days before their wedding. The singer dismissed reports their marriage was as last minute as reported: “One thing [few people] knew was we got tattoos a few weeks earlier. So anyone who saw my tattoo wasn’t surprised,” she said.

So if Mariah Carey has had ‘Mrs Cannon’ tattooed across her back, what has Nick Cannon got? ‘Mr Cannon’? Boy, will he ever look stupid when he and Mariah get divorced!

That’s assuming that Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon do get divorced, of course, which is unlikely – historically the abnormally sudden tattooed declaration of love route usually has a happy ending, doesn’t it.

And anyway, even if Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon do quickly divorce because the marriage was a failure from the instant it was first suggested, all Mariah carey needs to do to stop looking like an idiot is to quickly marry someone else with the surname Cannon. May we suggest 1980s comedian Tommy Cannon or comicbook artist Zander Cannon – or even 112-years dead Mormon church Quorum member Abraham Hoagland Cannon if she really wants to do the whole himbo thing again.

Read more:

Mariah confirms marriage to actor – BBC

For all the reports of Mariah Carey’s marriage to her video director Nick Cannon, the lack of an official confirmation led many to believe that it was all just an elaborately cynical publicity stunt, albeit an elaborately cynical publicity stunt that nobody could really give very much of a shit about.

But we can lay all that to rest now – Mariah Carey has emailed the editor of Vogue to tell him how happy she is about being married. Nick Cannon might have emailed some people as well, but nobody cares because he isn’t famous and, besides, he doesn’t really look old enough to know how a computer works, does he?

As the rumours about Mariah Carey’s marriage to Nick Cannon first emerged, there were five common reactions from the public. These were, in order of popularity, 1) “What?” 2) “Really?” 3) “What, really!?” 4) “Really?” and 5) “What a ridiculous thing for her to do. She’d better have a brilliant prenup ready for when this falls apart by Christmas.”

You can understand their concern, because last time Mariah Carey got married it quickly dissolved into accusations of paranoia and psychological abuse and sent Mariah on a meltdown so spectacular that she even ended up starring in a film with Max Beesley, which we think is medically about as mad as you can get.

And, just as it looked like those reactions were going to vanish away without a sniff of an official retort, it seems as though the answers are finally becoming apparent. They are, a follows: 1) “Mariah Carey got married to Nick Cannon last week,” 2) “Yes, really,” 3) “Yup,” 4) “Seriously, what’s wrong with you?” and 5) “You betcha. Not even Mariah Carey is dumb enough to think that this marriage has any potential.”

After what seems like an age, Mariah Carey has opened up about her wedding to some bloke who works for Vogue and the tiny minority of her fans who can read, as Metro reports:

Friend of Mariah’s, Vogue editor Andre Leon Talley, said “she is very happy. I’ve spoken with her and she is superb. I received an email from her and she is so happy, she really sounds like someone on her honeymoon.” Mariah hasn’t taken any chances though and took all financial precautions with a prenuptial agreement. Mariah told the Mariah Carey Archives website that, “anyone who thinks we didn’t have a prenup is smoking something!”

So there we have it – prenupped to the hilt and apparently on honeymoon, it seems as though Mariah Carey is definitely married to Nick Cannon. So perhaps we should leave the happy couple to explore married life together in private now.

After all, we wouldn’t want to ruin that slow, magical realisation that they hurtled into marriage too quickly, are basically deeply incompatible with each other on every conceivable level and will have to either face a humiliating public turnaround in front of a world that considers them both to be laughing stocks or a lifetime of brooding bitter resentment towards one another, would we?

Read more:

Newlywed Mariah signs prenup – Metro

We now solemnly swear to never underestimate the stupidity of another celebrity again. And that’s because Mariah Carey has got married to Nick Cannon.

According to various reports, Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon got married earlier this week in the Bahamas after knowing each other for just over a month. Nothing’s been officially confirmed by either Mariah or Nick yet, though, which sort of makes this a repeat of the Jay-Z and Beyonce wedding, if Beyonce was a bloke we’d never heard of and Jay-Z was an annoying woman who had a mental breakdown quite recently.

Mariah Carey is now bigger than Elvis, so it’s about time she grew some nuts and started acting like Elvis as well. But how? Making terrible movies? She’s already done that. Dying on the toilet with a big poo up her bum? Too difficult. Getting married to someone quite a lot younger than her? Bingo!

Although, to see this allusion through, Nick Cannon will have to outlive Mariah Carey by several years and then let crazy Argentinian prostitutes inject engine lubricant into his face, but we’ll come to that when we need to.

Anyway, forget that because the point is that 38-year-old Mariah Carey has rushed off and got married to 27-year-old Nick Cannon while everyone was still wondering if she was engaged or not. Reuters reports:

Top-selling recording artist Mariah Carey and popular rap singer and actor Nick Cannon married this week in the Bahamas, according to several media reports. The New York Post said on Thursday the pair wed in a secret ceremony in front of family and friends at Carey’s house in Eleuthera, citing a source close to Carey. Latina.com, the Web site for Latina magazine, cited a source near Cannon as saying the nuptials took place on Wednesday, and In Touch Weekly said Cannon had designed a $2.5 million ring he gave to his new bride.

It’s all been a bit of a whirlwind for Mariah Carey, really. She didn’t even know Nick Cannon until he directed the video for her single Bye Bye in late March, and to go from being strangers to being husband and wife in little over a month is incredible. Incredible or stupid. We forget which one. Oh yeah. Stupid.

And, as we mentioned yesterday, Mariah Carey must be hoping that this marriage goes better than her first one to record executive Tommy Mottola, which ended after four years with accusations of paranoia, torment and psychological abuse. But we’re positive that this marriage will be a much smoother ride for Mariah Carey, mostly because she’ll have split up with Nick Cannon long, long before he gets a chance to psychologically abuse her.

Oh, we’re only joking. Mariah Carey must have married Nick Cannon because she loves him deeply and completely, and you absolutely won’t find us joining up with the cynical ‘we give it six months’ mob.

That’s because we give it three.

Read more:

Mariah Carey marries Nick Cannon: reports - Reuters

OK, ready? Mariah Carey’s got engaged. Ta-daaaaah! Do you care? No, no you don’t – and that’s the way it should be. But wait, what if we tell you that Mariah Carey has got engaged to Nick Cannon? Do you care now? No, of course you don’t, because you don’t know who Nick Cannon is. Nobody does.

So what about this – Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon have known each other for less than two months, which means the chances of this ending in a way that’s messy and embarrassing for all is sky-high? Yeah, now you care. Doesn’t matter. We’re still coming to beat you up.

Mariah Carey knows the joy that comes from marriage. During her last marriage, to record executive Tommy Mottola, Mariah Carey says she used to fantasise about being kidnapped because it would mean she wouldn’t be in the ‘psychologically abusive’ grip of her paranoid controlling husband any more. Then, once the marriage broke up, Mariah Carey had an emotional and physical breakdown that threatened the future of her career. Oh, we’re suckers for romance like this. Blub.

So what girl wouldn’t want to go through all that again, and with a guy she’s only just met? Mariah Carey sure would, because she’s apparently got engaged to Nick Cannon, a rapper who got his name because one of his hobbies involves putting ball bearings up his bum and farting them out at pirate ships. US Weekly reports:

Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon are engaged, according to a source close to the diva, Access Hollywood reports. Cannon’s rep had no comment on the report when reached by Usmagazine.com. Carey’s rep was unavailable. Carey, 38, met the 27-year-old rapper-actor when he directed the video for her latest single, “Bye Bye,” in late March. “It’s hot and heavy,” an insider told Us Weekly in its latest issue.

No comment? Unavailable reps? Oooh, they’re totally getting married! What hat should we wear to their wedding?

Call us cynical here but we honestly can’t see Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon actually getting engaged. We’ve seen reality-challenged celebrity couples rush into these breakneck engagements before, and they never work out. And if little Aaron Carter can’t stay engaged for long, then what chance does Mariah Carey have?

And, to be honest, we don’t know too much about this Nick Cannon character either – and Mariah Carey can’t exactly be an expert on him either at the moment.

What concerns us the most is that Mariah Carey has insured her legs for a billion dollars and, unless she performs a full background check on him first, we can’t rule out the possibility that she’ll wake up on the first day of her honeymoon to see Nick Cannon running over her shins with a lawnmower to earn himself a quick buck. It’s what we’d do, after all.

Read more:

Report: Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon Engaged – US

It’s not so much that it generated bile, it’s that it kept generating bile every time someone so much as uttered Mariah’s name or she appeared on telly with her giant ass folded into a swimsuit. And now she’s making another one.

Glitter was apparently based, at least in part, on Mariah Carey’s own life story. Like the heroine in the film, she too rose to fame as a singer from a troubled background; unlike her character in the film however, 3D Mariah is still releasing records. They are mainly duds about touching her up or not going bonkers anymore, but are religiously played by radio stations everywhere that have an ‘X’ in the title.

So far 38-year-old Mariah has acted in four films and has not actually been the worse thing in all of them. She was alongside Damon Dash in one of them, mind, so that solves that little mystery.

If we can’t talk crazy Carey (not a legal term) out of acting in another picture, we can at least warn you about it. We strongly suggest you memorise the title and avoid going to see it on pain of death. Unless it turns out to be good, in which case we retract that last comment and congratulate Mariah on her comeback success. Well Done, Mariah! You Rock! Etc.

Tennessee is the name to watch out for. It’s an ‘indie’ flick, a story of two brothers searching for their estranged dad and is produced by this man: Lee Daniels. Make a note of that name, he made the excellent Monster’s Ball in 2001 and, apparently, has completely lost it.

Mariah, who will play a waitress in the film, had this to say about Daniels’ decision:

“It was cool for Lee Daniels to take a chance on me because obviously, you know, not everybody was going to do that“.

Definitely. A good guy. It’s not like having her name on the poster will encourage anyone mentally debilitated enough to listen to her music from coming to the movie.

Even negative reaction might be good for Tennessee. Glitter made $4.2 million at the box office after all; it did cost $22 million to make and so was a staggering flop, but that was just bad luck. Mariah impersonating a Disney princess who grew up and went mad had nothing to do with it.

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Mariah Carey Makes Her Movie Return – Female First

No he wasn't. But Mariah Carey is. Thus Mariah is better than Elvis Presley.

And Mariah Carey isn't just better than Elvis Presley at having a beach fit bikini body, either – Mariah Carey is also better at music and stuff as well. It's true – Mariah Carey has notched up her 18th American number one single, while rubbish old Elvis Presley only managed to get 17 before he snuffed it. Mariah is the new Elvis! Yay! That means we'll be able to dress up like her and ghoulishly traipse around her house when she dies! Yay!  

Elvis Presley has been dead for 30 years, but he still has a lot going for him – he's richer than any other dead person, plus he left behind an overweight daughter and mangle-faced wife. And how do we repay Elvis Presley for these two lovely – if slightly startling – gifts to the world? By wrestling everything he holds dear out of his fat dead hands and giving it to Mariah Carey, that's how.

Mariah Carey's new single Touch My Body – as well as possibly being a weird insurance scam – is number one in the Billboard Hot 100 chart. And, as you'd expect for the white-hot talent responsible for hits like Fantasy, That Other Song, The One About Touching Her Body, The High-Pitched One and The Song That Sounds Like The Song About Touching Her Body, number one records are nothing new for Mariah Carey at all.

In fact Touch My Body is Mariah Carey's 18th American number one, which is more American number ones than that useless turd Elvis Presley ever flipping got. BBC News reports:

"I'm just feeling really happy and grateful," the 38-year-old performer told the Associated Press.  "I really can never put myself in the category of people who have not only revolutionised music but also changed the world, that's a completely different era and time," she said."In terms of my ethnicity, always feeling like an outsider, always feeling different… for me it's about saying, 'Thank you Lord, for giving me the faith to believe in myself when other people had written me off."

Although congratulations are due to Mariah Carey for surpassing one of the most famous men who ever lived, she should remember that beating Elvis Presley at stuff is actually quite easy. This morning alone, for example, we beat Elvis Presley at arm-wresting, Guitar Hero and Pin The Tail On The Donkey. And, honestly, if he hadn't creeped us out so much during that staring contest we'd have creamed him at that too.

You see, while Mariah Carey has had more number one records than Elvis, she still needs three more number one records to beat all-time champions The Beatles. And you know what that means, don't you? It means that Mariah Carey isn't going to retire until she's released at least another three insipid, instantly forgettable R&B pop ballads. Joy.

Read more:

Mariah breaks Elvis chart record - BBC