As most of you probably know, Mariah Carey and her billionaire fiancé James Packer broke up like 5 minutes ago, but that didn’t mean Queen M was going to sit around and sulk or do weird Russian television interviews like Lindsay Lohan did when her billionaire fiancé left her. No, Mariah has more class than that.
Instead, she went out and got her 47-year-old ass a hot little 33-year-old back-up dancer to do her bidding and sex her up all in exchange for moderate fame and probably like a lambo, because, unlike Hollywood Hobo Tyga, Mariah can afford a lambo or two.
Mariah’s new boyfriend is her back-up dancer, Bryan Tanaka (apparently she’s taken a cue from J. Lo’s handbook, even though I’m 90% sure that Mariah is still denying even knowing who Jennifer Lopez is, but that’s another story for another day), and Bryan recently spoke about his feeling for Mariah to E! News (because of course he did).
I’ve always had a thing for Mariah. I love her so much. Just make sure you tune into the show, and you’ll see kind of how everything happened.
Ahhh, that’s right! Mariah has a reality show premiering, Mariah’s World. Suddenly this all seems like a Kris Jenner level stunt.
Tanaka elaborated on their connection, saying:
We’ve been friends for a long time. I do a little dance move here and there and we have a good time. Something connected with us back in the day, and there was a mutual admiration. She saw something in me that I actually didn’t recognize at first, from that it was over. It was set in history that we were gonna be connected some way, some how.
She saw something in you? Oh, I’m sure she did: A 14-years-younger dick and a hot dancer’s body.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m very happy for her in her new Sugar Mama status. She was engaged to that Shrek-looking asshole who had the audacity to play Beyoncé in her presence and now she needs someone who’s going to follow her rules but show her a good time and sex her right.
If Tony Bennett can start dating a woman he LITERALLY met while she was in her mother’s womb (that’s true, he weirdly tells people about it), then Mariah can ride up on a 33-year-old.
The only thing that pisses me off about this story is that it reminded me I forgot to PVR Mariah’s World.