This is the moment every journalist dreams of: the story of the century. I’m sure how I feel right now is how fellow past journalists felt when Kennedy was killed or O.J. got arrested. News has recently broke that while Mariah Carey’s billionaire fiancé, James Parker, was attempting to seduce her he decided to turn on some Beyoncé to get her in the mood.
And how did Mariah react to James putting on another divas music to get sexy? She threw his fucking laptop, playing said Beyoncé, out a goddamn window then ran out of the room screaming. I can HONESTLY say that I will never report on a better story than this.
The story goes that Mimi and James were in Australia last week and they were being fancy rich people, drinking champagne and probably eating caviar off each other’s asses and whatnot (I assume that’s what rich folk do). James decided to make the mood a little sexy so he broke out his laptop and turned on Beyoncé’s Crazy in Love. This was a bad choice for several reasons:
- Beyoncé has way better songs for getting your bone on than Crazy in Love. I mean, that’s really not a song for sexin’. If I were him I would have put on Partition, but that’s just me (lunch time poll: what Beyoncé song would YOU put on to seduce someone?)
- James was trying to seduce Mariah Carey with music that WAS NOT BY MARIAH FUCKING CAREY! You asked this woman to marry you yet you OBVIOUSLY have never fucking met her if you thought that was even remotely okay.
I’ve never known Mariah to have beef with Beyoncé, but as a fellow diva, I assume that deep down Mariah hates her. And it makes sense: Mariah used to fuck on Jay Z back in the 90s and they did a few collaborations back when Mariah was queen of the fucking music industry. Then here comes Beyoncé: she’s younger, she’s hotter, and she spends the next two decades becoming the goddamn Beatles of her generation AND Jay Z wifes her ass up, leaving Mariah to have babies with that scrawny ass nerd, Nick Cannon (jk, Nick seems like a really nice guy). So do I think Mariah has some resentment towards Beyoncé? Yes, more than likely. Especially since Queen Bey is besties with Mariah’s number 1 enemy since Whitney died: Nicki Minaj.
So, when James turned on Beyoncé, Mimi clearly got filled with a lot of emotions and rightfully threw his laptop out the window before storming off screaming.
A source from the hotel says:
Mariah threw the computer that was playing [Crazy in Love] via speakers out the window! Seriously, she trashed it. She ran out of the room screaming.
Even though this happened last week the story is just being leaked now because Mariah’s people tried to crush it, but I’m not really sure why. Mariah is not in the wrong here, it was James who fucked up.
Everyone knows if you want to seduce Mariah Carey you don’t turn on another bitch’s music. You break out a copy of Butterfly on vinyl, start dancing suggestively to Honey, and tell her how Glitter was an underrated masterpiece and she should have been nominated for an Oscar.
Get with the fucking program, James!