Angelina Jolie loves knives so much that she picks her movies by blindly throwing a knife at a random pile of scripts. What’s more, we hear that Angelina’s adoption process involves a fierce knife-off in an orphanage, with the last child standing being chosen has her new baby.

Or, in possibly more accurate news, Angelina Jolie allegedly flings knives at walls during fights, and Brad Pitt has bought her some anger management classes because he’s so terrified.

It’s no secret that Angelina Jolie wants to change the world. Whether she does that by raising awareness of poverty-stricken corners of the planet or by just making sure it has more crappy action films about tattooed women blowing stuff up is by the by – just so long as she changes it.

But if you ask us, Angelina Jolie’s putting too much effort in. She already changes the world on a day-to-day basis, mainly by reportedly leaving dirty great knife-gashes in all the walls she comes across, but that still counts.

Angelina Jolie’s fascination with knives is so compulsive that she recently gave her six-year-old son a knife, which does make a twisted degree of sense. After all, an Xbox is cool, but can you rob old ladies for their savings with one? No you can’t. And don’t even think about accidentally stabbing your friend in the kidney with an Xbox – it’s almost freakishly impossible.

However, it’s been reported that Angelina Jolie also likes to use knives for other purposes, too – such as allegedly hurling them at walls in a blind temper whenever she has an argument with Brad Pitt. And it’s also been reported that Brad Pitt is so scared that a stray knife will cause harm to one of their children or – worse still – his lovely moustache that he’s bought Angelina Jolie some anger management tapes to help her cope. China Daily reports:

A source said: “Angelina has quite a temper on her and she has been known to throw a few knives around when she is angry. Angelina learnt how to throw knives for the ‘Tomb Raider’ movies. She is a practiced knife-thrower so it’s a hobby and cathartic. Brad is terrified Angelina will one day hit him with a knife, and cause him a serious injury or worse. That’s why he bought her these Streaming Furies classes.”

It’s thought that these anger management classes will help Angelina Jolie wean herself off knife-throwing over the course of several months by slowly teaching her other types of cutlery-based catharsis. Now, for instance, Angelina Jolie apparently throws knives into walls, but soon she’ll learn to stab pieces of furniture with forks and then to pound the floor with a ladle before finally being able to work out her anger by wiping the back of a teaspoon down some curtains. It sounds wonderful.

And it won’t be the end of the world if Angelina Jolie can no longer throw knifes about at home when she’s angry, because she’s a powerful actress and can demand that scenes involving knives are written into each of her films to make do, as she recently did with the deleted scene from Changeling where, frustrated that the LAPD aren’t taking her story seriously, her character stabs a detective through the skull with a machete, before slashing the throats of four officers with one movement and ends up standing on top of a pile of mutilated policemen, roaring and swatting away helicopters with a disemboweled leg. True story.

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And because of this affinity for controversy, Katy Perry is currently getting the hiding of her life. A couple of days ago The Sun published a photo of Katy Perry posing with a knife accompanied by a headline similar to but not exactly ‘BURN THE WITCH FOR SHE KNOWES MAGICK!’ and now all hell has broken loose.

So, with the sound of tabloid disapproval ringing in her ears, Katy Perry has released a statement saying that she is ‘against all violence’. Problem solved. Now The Sun can get back to the real threat to the nation’s youth – all those pictures of Katy Perry wearing 1940s swimsuits. Seriously, if we start seeing girls dressed as WWII cheesecake models in the street, we’re going to form a mob and burn Katy’s house down.

You know who we feel sorry for? Forks. Over the last few weeks it’s been all knife this and knife that – what with Angelina Jolie buying a knife for her six-year-old son and Kerry Katona throwing a shitty fit about it – and yet the fork, the knife’s humble cutlery partner and perhaps the more versatile implement of the two, has been shunned. Truly, the fork is the four-pronged McCartney to the knife’s pointy Lennon.

And now it’s time for Katy Perry to damage her reputation by association to a knife. Up until now, not much has really been known about Katy Perry, apart from the fact that she once annoyed Jesus by singing a song about kissing a girl and fell onto a big cake the other day. That’s literally it.

Or that literally was it until Wednesday, when The Sun newspaper decided to publish a three-year-old photo of Katy Perry holding a knife quite close to her eye alongside a screaming piece of journalism linking her to the wave of teenage knife crime that’s sweeping the UK at the moment. Because, as we all know, teenagers are easily manipulated and love to emulate their idols.

Incidentally, that’s true – as children we were influenced by everything we saw on TV, which is why we spent six solid months of 1989 dressed as David The Gnome and once tried to kill ourselves because we couldn’t push cuckoo clocks and beachballs out of our arses like Bertha, the mid-1980s animated children’s factory unit. But this is besides the point.

Anyway, astonished that her transparently controversy-baiting photo has actually become somewhat controversial, Katy Perry has issued something of a stunned statement pointing out that death by stabbing doesn’t make her particularly happy. MTV reports:

Her US publicist told MTV News: “Katy Perry is against all violence. The photo in question was taken in 2005 and is in no way related to the current events in the UK.”

It’s just an upsetting coincidence, that’s all, that a photo of Katy Perry wielding a knife has been published during a moral panic about youth-based knife crime.

But if you think this is a storm, just wait until you see the other pictures of Katy Perry from 2005 that happen to eerily echo current news, like the photo of Katy Perry dressed as Sarah Palin skinning a moose, the photo of Katy Perry dressed as a crying stockbroker and the photo of Katy Perry denying that she condones knife crime based on a photo of Katy Perry that was taken three years before that one.

That’s why Angelina Jolie has taken the only sensible option and bought seven-year-old Maddox his very first knife. It’s a kind gesture, and it’s sort of made us wish that Angelina Jolie was our mother, too – once, when we were seven, a boy at junior school took our Monster Munch, and that situation would have been resolved much more swiftly if we’d have just stabbed them through the neck with the knife our mum gave us.

But don’t worry, outraged citizens – Angelina Jolie isn’t stupid. That’s why she deliberately had the knife blunted before giving to Maddox. Now, instead of hurting someone with the knife, Maddox can merely foster a lifetime fascination with knives that culminates in him chopping up a pensioner with a katana one hour into his 18th birthday.

Did we mention that Angelina Jolie has a new film coming out soon? It doesn’t matter if we did or we didn’t, because the signs are pretty obvious anyway. Angelina Jolie has been ticking all the movie promotion boxes over the last few weeks – getting covered in tattoos, bringing traffic to a standstill in New York, getting a photo taken with a baby hanging off her tit. It’s textbook stuff – almost exactly the same way that John Wayne publicised The Fighting Seabees in 1944.

But that’s probably not enough – after all, the film that Angelina Jolie is promoting looks exceptionally dull – and that’s why Angelina has gone all out to make headlines by deciding to buy her seven-year-old adopted son Maddox a knife.

True, knife crime among youngsters may have skyrocketed lately with hardly a day passing without news of another tragic death, but it’s alright because Angelina Jolie had a fascination with knives when she was younger and she turned out OK. Sure, she’s got a string of broken marriages, a history of self-harming, an estranged father and a bizarre compulsion to give all of her children awful names behind her, but they’ve probably got hardly anything to do with the knife thing.

Anyway, according to The Telegraph:

The Hollywood actress says son Maddox has developed a fascination with blades, which she and partner Brad Pitt are happy to indulge.”My mom took me to buy my first daggers when I was 11 or 12. And I’ve already bought Maddox some things. We take him to a special shop. We also talk about samurais and about the idea of defending someone as good. We talk about everything.”

Actually, although it sounds like a massively irresponsible thing to do, Angelina Jolie buying a knife for her seven-year-old son is actually a perfectly good idea. After all, the world can be a scary place, and Maddox needs to know how to defend himself in any situation. For example:

PROBLEM: You’ve been kidnapped and held to ransom because of your moviestar parents. SOLUTION: Stab!

PROBLEM: The paparazzi are hounding you and your family. SOLUTION: Stab!

PROBLEM: Your rootless upbringing means it’s hard for you to make new friends. SOLUTION: Stab!

PROBLEM: Your newborn brother and sister are getting marginally more attention than you. SOLUTION: Stab!

PROBLEM: You’re in a crowded shopping centre and lashing out with a knife is the only way to hush the screaming voices in your head. SOLUTION: Stab!

Actually, given the tensions between Angelina Jolie’s children, handing Maddox a knife does seem a little bit dangerous. At least that’s what we thought, anyway, but since Angelina Jolie has also given Zahara a gun, Shiloh Nouvel a spiked medieval mace, Pax Thien a horse and jousting stick and Knox Leon and Vivienne Marcheline a little packet of anthrax each, it all balances out in the end.

Or that's what we thought. Turns out we were being a little bit hopeful – in actual fact Noel Gallagher is slowly morphing into a Daily Telegraph letter-writer. While picking up an award recently, Noel decided to speak out about hoodies and knife crime and how it's all probably got something to do with computer games.

He went into a little more detail than that, but anyone wanting to hear more of Noel Gallagher's thoughts on society would be well advised to buy the forthcoming Oasis album Bloody Immigrants (And Don't Get Me Started On The NHS).

When you're the principle songwriter in a band like Oasis, there are only a few rules you need to live your life by. One is that the words 'fly', 'high' and 'sky' rhyme, another is that there's money in playing 15-year-old songs to arenas full of balding nostalgia-craving thirtysomething men who still consider Jo Guest to be the epitome of style and glamour night after night, and the third is that young people should be feared.

Just a few weeks after Noel Gallagher famously said that Jay-Z would be a disaster for Glastonbury because his music's all bang bang bang and he's not a proper musician because he doesn't have any songs about magical pies – we're paraphrasing – he's decided to take the time to speak out about the rising tide of knife crime.

While picking up a Silver Clef music award recently, Noel decided to launch into an angry tirade about all the stabbing that's been going on in London recently with all the reasoned arguments you'd expect from a millionaire rockstar with a history of prolific drug abuse. BBC News reports:

"In my day, status was trying to be somebody, do you know what I mean, not trying to kill somebody?… I don't even know what Cameron or Gordon Brown are going to do about it… People say it's through violent video games and I guess that's got something to do with it. If kids are sitting up all night smoking super skunk and they come so desensitised to crime because they're playing these video games, it's really, really scary."

We can see Noel Gallagher's point here – we recently spent about an hour and a half playing Super Mario Galaxy before going out and stabbing a nun in her neck for nothing more than shits and giggles. These sick video games should be banned, because everyone knows that the world's first recorded crime happened six hours after Pong was released.

Anyway, we shouldn't pick on Noel Gallagher too much for becoming a youth-fearing old fogey – he's not the only celebrity to speak out about Broken Britain lately. No, Noel Edmonds has also been at it. So that's the man who wrote Cigarettes And Alcohol and the beardy git from Deal Or No Deal – perhaps they should team up and become a crack vigilante duo, putting an end to street crime with nothing more than prematurely old grumbling and bizarre facial hair.

Besides, we're probably missing the main point of this story here. Noel Gallagher still wins awards? Weird.