Angelina Jolie Is A Knife-Hurling Maniac, Apparently

Angelina Jolie loves knives, this much we know – the woman literally eats, drinks and wipes her bottom with a knife in her hand.

Angelina Jolie loves knives so much that she picks her movies by blindly throwing a knife at a random pile of scripts. What’s more, we hear that Angelina’s adoption process involves a fierce knife-off in an orphanage, with the last child standing being chosen has her new baby.

Or, in possibly more accurate news, Angelina Jolie allegedly flings knives at walls during fights, and Brad Pitt has bought her some anger management classes because he’s so terrified.

It’s no secret that Angelina Jolie wants to change the world. Whether she does that by raising awareness of poverty-stricken corners of the planet or by just making sure it has more crappy action films about tattooed women blowing stuff up is by the by – just so long as she changes it.

But if you ask us, Angelina Jolie’s putting too much effort in. She already changes the world on a day-to-day basis, mainly by reportedly leaving dirty great knife-gashes in all the walls she comes across, but that still counts.

Angelina Jolie’s fascination with knives is so compulsive that she recently gave her six-year-old son a knife, which does make a twisted degree of sense. After all, an Xbox is cool, but can you rob old ladies for their savings with one? No you can’t. And don’t even think about accidentally stabbing your friend in the kidney with an Xbox – it’s almost freakishly impossible.

However, it’s been reported that Angelina Jolie also likes to use knives for other purposes, too – such as allegedly hurling them at walls in a blind temper whenever she has an argument with Brad Pitt. And it’s also been reported that Brad Pitt is so scared that a stray knife will cause harm to one of their children or – worse still – his lovely moustache that he’s bought Angelina Jolie some anger management tapes to help her cope. China Daily reports:

A source said: ?Angelina has quite a temper on her and she has been known to throw a few knives around when she is angry. Angelina learnt how to throw knives for the ?Tomb Raider? movies. She is a practiced knife-thrower so it?s a hobby and cathartic. Brad is terrified Angelina will one day hit him with a knife, and cause him a serious injury or worse. That?s why he bought her these Streaming Furies classes.”

It’s thought that these anger management classes will help Angelina Jolie wean herself off knife-throwing over the course of several months by slowly teaching her other types of cutlery-based catharsis. Now, for instance, Angelina Jolie apparently throws knives into walls, but soon she’ll learn to stab pieces of furniture with forks and then to pound the floor with a ladle before finally being able to work out her anger by wiping the back of a teaspoon down some curtains. It sounds wonderful.

And it won’t be the end of the world if Angelina Jolie can no longer throw knifes about at home when she’s angry, because she’s a powerful actress and can demand that scenes involving knives are written into each of her films to make do, as she recently did with the deleted scene from Changeling where, frustrated that the LAPD aren’t taking her story seriously, her character stabs a detective through the skull with a machete, before slashing the throats of four officers with one movement and ends up standing on top of a pile of mutilated policemen, roaring and swatting away helicopters with a disemboweled leg. True story.

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  1. Sarah says

    That’s what so hot about Jolie, her scary temper, tattos, and her knife throwing…from a distance, anyways. If I shared a bed with her, then it wouldn’t be so alluring. At least you wouldn’t have to worry about being forced to watch chick flicks, something tells me she’s not really into them.

  2. Julian Mentat says

    Naomi Campbell, I’m sorry but telephones just don’t cut it (ha, ha) any more in the Celeb Arms Race. You’ll have to throw something deadlier at your staff, like a Cluster Bomb.

  3. Shit for brains says

    I use a large (A4) photo of Stuart…

    (when I’m more accurate I’ll “upgrade” to a A5)

  4. Curry Pwincess says

    I think its a gr8 art to throw knives and its cool…. to see from far although i feel sorry for Brad and the kids. I agree that she should leave a good example 4 her children but what actor and actress can actually be a good role model? Most films they star in have killing people etc.

  5. idiot for reading says

    This guy should not write. He can’t even come up with a compelling theme. Knives? Yawn. You cut bread with them. Big deal.

  6. Raindog says

    What we need to know is WHAT knives Jolie has, with pics…..In the nude…..
    As a fellow knife freak She has become my poster girl. I’d happily share a bedroom with her, some Italian automatics, and a first aid kit.

  7. Simian Jackson says

    Excellent article, and in fact I do feel much more inteligent after reading this. Great job. Jolie is indeed a blade-throwing psycho.