Noel Gallagher Now Officially A Very Old Man
Then buzz it up
July 7th, 2008 at 12:00 by Stuart Heritage
Noel Gallagher isn't so much the voice of youth these day as the voice of weirdly arrested lad-dad Tim Lovejoy clones who refuse to accept that it isn't still 1996.
Or that's what we thought. Turns out we were being a little bit hopeful - in actual fact Noel Gallagher is slowly morphing into a Daily Telegraph letter-writer. While picking up an award recently, Noel decided to speak out about hoodies and knife crime and how it's all probably got something to do with computer games.
He went into a little more detail than that, but anyone wanting to hear more of Noel Gallagher's thoughts on society would be well advised to buy the forthcoming Oasis album Bloody Immigrants (And Don't Get Me Started On The NHS).
When you're the principle songwriter in a band like Oasis, there are only a few rules you need to live your life by. One is that the words 'fly', 'high' and 'sky' rhyme, another is that there's money in playing 15-year-old songs to arenas full of balding nostalgia-craving thirtysomething men who still consider Jo Guest to be the epitome of style and glamour night after night, and the third is that young people should be feared.
Just a few weeks after Noel Gallagher famously said that Jay-Z would be a disaster for Glastonbury because his music's all bang bang bang and he's not a proper musician because he doesn't have any songs about magical pies - we're paraphrasing - he's decided to take the time to speak out about the rising tide of knife crime.
While picking up a Silver Clef music award recently, Noel decided to launch into an angry tirade about all the stabbing that's been going on in London recently with all the reasoned arguments you'd expect from a millionaire rockstar with a history of prolific drug abuse. BBC News reports:
"In my day, status was trying to be somebody, do you know what I mean, not trying to kill somebody?… I don't even know what Cameron or Gordon Brown are going to do about it… People say it's through violent video games and I guess that's got something to do with it. If kids are sitting up all night smoking super skunk and they come so desensitised to crime because they're playing these video games, it's really, really scary."
We can see Noel Gallagher's point here - we recently spent about an hour and a half playing Super Mario Galaxy before going out and stabbing a nun in her neck for nothing more than shits and giggles. These sick video games should be banned, because everyone knows that the world's first recorded crime happened six hours after Pong was released.
Anyway, we shouldn't pick on Noel Gallagher too much for becoming a youth-fearing old fogey - he's not the only celebrity to speak out about Broken Britain lately. No, Noel Edmonds has also been at it. So that's the man who wrote Cigarettes And Alcohol and the beardy git from Deal Or No Deal - perhaps they should team up and become a crack vigilante duo, putting an end to street crime with nothing more than prematurely old grumbling and bizarre facial hair.
Besides, we're probably missing the main point of this story here. Noel Gallagher still wins awards? Weird.
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July 7th, 2008 at 2:00 pm
Heaven forbid the man makes a statement on society’s ills. I don’t think he was referring to middle-class graduate-types like yourself when he talks of knife crime. All you have done is twisted two comments (knife crime/Jay-Z) to fit into your rather pathetic agenda against Noel Gallagher, who still has a million more interesting and witty things to say than 99 per cent of the teen/twenty-something bands you no doubt fawn over for wearing skinny jeans and having been to art school.
And, for the record, as much as you like to stir up the myth that Oasis concerts are filled with balding 30-somethings (all people in their 30s according to the author must be fat, bald etc apparently. What planet does he live on?) If you were to attend one you would see that is simply not the case. Because, my unlearned friend, unfortunately for you, taste and choice and life cannot be categorised in such naive and laughable ways.
Some people get Oasis, some people don’t. I’m pretty sure Noel, nor any fan, will lose any sleep over the fact that you, thankfully and predictably, fall into the latter.
July 7th, 2008 at 2:37 pm
If you ‘get’ Oasis, please jam a pencil in both ears, you’re not using them for anything useful.
July 7th, 2008 at 3:05 pm
Stuart what do you mean "refuse to accept it isn’t still 1996"??? I still refuse to accept it isn’t still 1992 and "Grunge" is still "in" (I aint kidding
)
-Mithaearon (the long haired, flannel and converse wearing 30+ year old :P)
July 7th, 2008 at 5:26 pm
Mith, we have that in common.
Stuart, love the Jo Guest reference. Nice one.
July 7th, 2008 at 6:37 pm
Wave D: ” Because, my unlearned friend, unfortunately for you, taste
and choice and life cannot be categorised in such naive and laughable ways.”
So, if I understand correctly, you are faulting a writer for being laughable
on a site designed to make people laugh. Hmmm. A bit like going to Beijing
and being annoyed that everyone is speaking Chinese, isn’t it?
Thanks for your earnest defense of Noel though. It was hilarious. I imagine
that right now Noel is crying tears of gratitude into his embroidered hanky.
July 8th, 2008 at 2:22 am
Fair play Dave, you’re dead right. Balding 30 somethings? Right so why exactly is it that every single Oasis album right up to Don’t Believe The Truth in 2005 has gone straight to number 1? I’m no expert but I’m pretty sure balding 30 something’s don’t represent the majority of the record buying demographic. Noughties indie rock / Britpop mk II is largely - though not entirely - pants. Look at it’s two principal icons, Amy Winehouse and Pete Doherty; a pair of crackheads. A message as positive as what Oasis’s has always been - don’t settle for what you’ve got, go for what you want and have every day large - has yet to be bettered, and that’s what makes them great!
July 8th, 2008 at 10:25 am
I thought I was the only one Rob!
July 8th, 2008 at 12:11 pm
Nope. Like Doctor Who and Luke Skywalker, you are not alone: there is another.
(glad you didn’t use the word “plaid” though).
July 8th, 2008 at 12:36 pm
God wrote: “So, if I understand correctly, you are faulting a writer for being laughable
on a site designed to make people laugh. Hmmm. A bit like going to Beijing
and being annoyed that everyone is speaking Chinese, isn’t it?”
Perhaps if you understood the definition of ‘laughable’ as opposed to ‘comical’ then I would take your point seriously.
And, since we’re being pedantic, the Chinese speak Mandarin.
Goodbye.
July 8th, 2008 at 1:19 pm
And perhaps if you weren’t being a humorless twat on a humor site, people wouldn’t think you’re a fucking moron.
But since you are, Mandarin is a dialect of Chinese, along with Cantonese, Wu, and like 7 billion others.
July 8th, 2008 at 3:03 pm
Oasis hasn’t had a single hit in the US since that ditty about wonderwalls, or champagne, or something…apparently we want nothing to do with them, plus, we churn out enough crap to keep us from having to import it.
July 8th, 2008 at 3:19 pm
Wave D:
Your indignation is laughable; the platypus is comical.
I understand the distinction perfectly.
People are fucked and that’s funny.
(pathetic, laughable) (humorous, comical)
Noel G and his earnest self-importance are laughable;
making fun of them and cheesing off humorless toads is comical
(especially when said fans find the writing of the site laughable
when clearly it is comical). Thugs and kisses, G.
July 9th, 2008 at 10:17 am
Dear oh dear, this is a humour site? I genuinely didn’t know. I happened to google upon this site and stumbled across a very childish article with lame and lazy references to Tim Lovejoy, Jo Guest, balding 30s men etc. I mean talk about cliched.
If you guys find this writing comical or humorous then fair play. I look for something slightly more subtle and original. Which is ironic, considering that’s what the author and critics are claiming Noel is lacking. He without sin ….
Anyway, enjoy your chuckle.
July 9th, 2008 at 1:33 pm
Yes, yes I’m sure you think you have a wonderful sense of humor Dave. Heaven forbid anyone challenge that notion. Now go away.
July 9th, 2008 at 5:25 pm
Age as comedic vehicle is about as low as fruit can hang.
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