Look up the word 'sexy' in the dictionary and you'll find the definition 'Gene Simmons out of Kiss half-heartedly schtupping a fake-titted bimbo to the strains of I Wanna Know What Love Is by Foreigner.'

Having trouble visualising that? Don't be - because that's the exact thing you can see on the alleged Gene Simmons sex tape, which actually exists and is on the internet now.

Oh, and we should probably warn you that the Gene Simmons sex tape is so ferociously wrong on every known level from beginning to end that we think we lost our sense of smell watching it. And we lost it for you.

Lindsay Lohan is nothing if not a people person, so long as those people are male, Italian, slightly demented by lust and in possession of a tongue that they can waggle around inside Lindsay's gob.

Lindsay Lohan, you see, was in Capri recently for a film festival - something that she celebrated by snogging the arse off almost all of the island's men. Well, three of them at least - if accounts are to be believed, Lindsay Lohan managed to smooch waiter Alessandro Di Nunzio and actors Dario Faiella and Eduardo Costa all within the space of 24 hours. So it seems that Lindsay Lohan's type is Italian men from Capri. Well, Italian men. Well, men. Well, humans. Well, any living creature of any kind, really. Or objects. Any living creature or any inanimate object. We hope that's narrowed it down a little.