Kiss To Stop Making Music, Protests Not Expected

Kiss did a song once with the lyrics, “I wanna rock n roll all night and party every day”. As old withering men, we feel that partying on down with Zimmer frames and emptying their overflowing piss bags doesn’t count as fun.

Just like The Rolling Stones, Kiss are one of those bands who seem to have been around for ever and won’t disappear. Their records are slowly becoming heirloom for millions of families around the world as this dinosaur band’s early recordings are passed down from grandmother to great granddaughter.

In the very beginning of Kiss’s existence, technology wasn’t much of a thing. The wheel had just been discovered and recording techniques were slowly being developed. Fast-forward a few million years and crazy Gene Simmons faces a problem for his band of nutty rockers. Blasted technology has bypassed the band and made it easy for followers of the archaic group to get a Kiss song for free.

This has angered chief Kiss man Gene Simmons wants to club anyone who has down this and stopped him from receiving his royalty payments of two sticks to rub together to generate heat for his homely cave.

Recently, Kiss decided to go and play a handful of groovy numbers to the future generation of our country at Download Festival. Every time we see the band play live, we have to try hard not to spit out our lemonade as we chuckle at the sight of them. They are so wacky and crazy that they play all their pop hits dressed up in face paint!

We thought that after their set, the band would be in high spirits after entertaining the crowd and not being booed like Kanye West. But something must have angered Gene Simmons. Maybe he got delivered PG Tips instead of Tetley tea, we don’t know, but during a press conference he took a furious swipe at the fans. It wasn’t because they weren’t wearing the bands trademark ridiculous makeup. Gene was foaming about how listeners got hold of the bands music. And he’s probably referring to you:

“They’ve decided to download and file-share. There is no record industry around so we’re going to wait until everybody settles down and becomes civilised. As soon as the record industry pops its head up we’ll record new material.”

So that’s it everyone. Unless you cough up some cash for that rare song that was only available on a limited North Korean 12” EP, Kiss won’t be releasing anymore songs. How does that make you feel? You should feel bad, because Gene feels:

“The industry is dead.”

We can honestly say we’ve never listened to any ropey Kiss songs. But we still feel bad that the band are being ripped off. They surely deserve a nice retirement home with a DVD player, widescreen TV and an endless supply of makeup to paint themselves with. Just so they can relive the “old days”.

Give us a few days and we’ll set up a Paypal account where you can donate anonymously to the band. We promise not to pass on your details to angry rockstars who may come and beat you round the head.

Read More In The NME Article Entitled “Download Headliners Kiss: ‘Fans Have Killed The Record Industry’”