The Rock And Roll Hall Of Fame is, as everyone knows, a hallowed place reserved only for those who rock the hardest.
You know, like Abba. And Genesis. Those cats are responsible for more melted speakers and blown minds than you could ever hope to count. Why, remember the time when Phil Collins bit the head off a Yorkshire terrier during the second chorus of I Can’t Dance onstage that time? Or when the beardy one out of Abba broke away from the middle eight of Dancing Queen to carve the word ‘HATE’ into his bare chest with a broken jam jar?
That’s why both Genesis and Abba will be inducted into the Rock And Roll Hall Of Fame next year. And that’s why KISS won’t be, the cat-faced bellends.
On the face of it, KISS have done more for the cause of rock and roll than any other band on the planet. They wanted to rock and roll all nite to such an extent that they couldn’t even find the time to go to school to learn how to spell the word ‘night’ properly. They believed that God gave rock and roll to us, when in reality he’s only really responsible for Jesus and pestilence. They pledged allegiance to the state of rock and roll, even though rock and roll isn’t even a congressional district, let alone a state. That‘s how much KISS love rock and roll.
Everything that the members of KISS have ever done, solo or as a band, has been done with end goal of being inducted into the Rock And Roll Hall Of Fame. Everything. The tongue waggling. The stupid facepaint. The deliberately bad hair. The genuinely harrowing sex tapes. The awful songs that all mentioned rock and roll every three lines. That world’s worst cover version of Firestarter. So they must be pretty arsed off that they were beaten to the punch by Abba and Phil Collins this year. The Boston Herald reports:
The Rock Hall announced its class of 2010: prog-rockers Genesis, Swedish disco stars ABBA, prepunk punks the Stooges, reggae hero Jimmy Cliff and British Invasion band the Hollies… “There are disco bands, rap bands, Yiddish folk-song bands in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, but not KISS,” [Gene] Simmons griped last year. “I believe we have more gold records in America than any other group, but it’s OK.”
Still, it doesn’t matter what Gene Simmons thinks. All we know is that next year’s Rock And Roll Hall Of Fame ceremony is going to be the best ever. An old reggae man, a topless rocker whose body looks like a condom full of eels, a band that nobody cares about, some Swedish billionaires and Peter Gabriel done up like a poxy tulip – what more could you possibly ask for?