There are three types of Jonas Brother fan – those who like Joe because he’s sexy, those who like Nick because he’s cute.

And those who like Kevin out of pity. But that last group has just suffered what’s probably the worst weekend of their lives, because Kevin Jonas has got married.

Apparently Kevin Jonas’ wedding ceremony was a beautiful snow-flecked affair, and the night that followed was precisely what you’d expect from someone so proud to keep his virginity intact until marriage – three hours of trying to stick in in her belly button followed by six hours of icy, resentful sobbing. God, we’re turned on just thinking about it.

This is just a hunch, but we’d imagine that the next Jonas Brothers album will be full of songs called things like Eat My Throbbing Piston and I’m A Horny Jizz Machine. Why? Because Kevin Jonas has probably just lost his virginity, that’s why.

Oh, and he got married too. That’s probably worth mentioning. Let’s go with that first.

On Saturday Kevin Jonas married his fiance Danielle Deleasa in a lovely wintry Long Island ceremony that was attended by around 400 guests. We weren’t there, obviously, so we can’t tell you how thick the air was with petrified sexual anticipation, but luckily People magazine got to talk to the wedding planner Michael Russo, who presumably also moonlights as the most nauseating man to have ever walked the face of the Earth. Look:

“The snow only made it look more like a winter wonderland. Danielle looked like a princess. Kevin couldn’t stop smiling… Kevin has said many times he feels like he met his princess. To see them together you can feel the warmth and the love all around them. They are just perfect for each other.”

All that, plus Kevin’s getting on a bit and if he didn’t marry someone soon his testicles would have exploded. But mainly it’s the being perfect for each other thing.

Still, as pleased as we are about Kevin Jonas and Danielle Deleasa, we’re a little wary of the effect that their marriage will have on the Jonas Brothers. And it’s not just the sex thing, either – what if Kevin decides to drop out of a tour midway through so that he can go and browse some soft furnishings for his reception room? What if he starts wearing sensible cardigans and practical shoes? What if he experiments with a moustache? Mark these words – Danielle Deleasa is the Yoko Ono of the Jonas Brothers. She’ll tear them apart. That’s no bad thing, obviously, but she will.

But let’s worry about that another time. For now, let’s just congratulate Kevin Jonas from making the important leap from committed virgin to married man. Before Saturday he wouldn’t have sex because he didn’t want to. And from now on he won’t have sex because his wife doesn’t want to. You’re a man now, Kevin Jonas.

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Sorry. You were probably having quite a good day, weren’t you? And now we’ve come along and trampled all over it.

Or worse. Maybe you were having a terrible day. And maybe the news that The Jonas Brothers aren’t splitting up will be the last straw for you. Maybe hearing this will be what finally pushes you to climb that clocktower so you can start systematically blasting away at strangers with a sniper rifle until you’re inevitably taken out by a police helicopter.

Either way, The Jonas Brothers aren’t splitting up. In fact, The Jonas Brothers are so not splitting up that they’ve gone to the trouble of actually telling people that they’re not splitting up. Sorry.

So listen. The Jonas Brothers aren’t splitting up. But that’s not the end of the world, is it? Because, come on, The Jonas Brothers didn’t split up yesterday and you managed to get through that alright, didn’t you? Or the day before. In fact, if you think about it, The Jonas Brothers haven’t split up on any day since you were born. So today’s news that The Jonas Brothers aren’t splitting up isn’t such terrible news on the grand scale of things. It just feels like it’s terrible news. It’s like spending the 1980s in pre-Perestroika Russia. It was shitty, but at least you had the comfort of not knowing what the alternatives were.

So if The Jonas Brothers aren’t splitting up, then why are we making such a big fuss about them? Well, as usual, it’s all the fault of that idiot Nick Jonas. It’s been announced that Kevin Jonas has broken away to form his own band, entitled Nick Jonas & The Administration. Think of the new band as the Raconteurs to his White Stripes, albeit a version of The Raconteurs that only sings awful songs called things like Oh Girl You Make Me So Super Happy and Sunshine Makes My Heart Go Bippy Bop.

But it’s not just Nick Jonas who’s putting strain on the future of The Jonas Brothers. Kevin Jonas has also decided to take a brief hiatus from the group to see what this whole ‘having sex’ thing is like. And that just leaves poor old Joe Jonas. He needs The Jonas Brothers to continue. He needs it. He’s got two growing eyebrows to feed, for God’s sake. And maybe that’s why Nick and Kevin have decided to tell the world that, no matter what happens, the Jonas Brothers will always be. In a letter to fans, the band wrote:

“We plan to make music together for as long as we can. We’ve said from the beginning of our career as the Jonas Brothers that anything we do outside of the group is a side project because you can’t break up brothers… A three-chord strand is not easily broken, and one thing’s for sure… this three chord strand is stronger now than it’s ever been. You are truly the best fans in the world, and we love you with all our hearts.”

Stupid three-chord strands. If we see a three-chord strand today, we’re going to kick it in the balls.

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The Jonas Brothers are so adorable, aren’t they? Which one is your favourite? Nick or Joe? Oh, we can’t decide either!

What? Kevin Jonas? There’s a Kevin Jonas? You mean that weird-looking guy who usually stands behind the other two is a Jonas Brother as well? Wow. We just assumed that he was their manager or their dad or a particularly persistent beggar or something.

Anyway, Kevin Jonas has just got engaged. No date has been set, although hopefully it won’t happen until Kevin Jonas has finished On Chesil Beach and properly developed his desperately profound fear of physical intimacy.

Kevin Jonas deserves your sympathy for two main reasons. Firstly he’s the oldest member of a teen-targeted pop band made up of brothers. He’s Isaac Hanson. And being Isaac Hanson is no fun, especially because you’ll inevitably end up riddled with lung-scabs.

Worse still, Kevin Jonas is the oldest member of a teen-targeted pop band made up of brothers who are globally known for their hardcore no sex before marriage stance. That stance might be fine for Nick Jonas and Joe Jonas, because they’re only 16 and 19 years old respectively, but Kevin Jonas turns 22 in four months. The poor boy can’t go anywhere without being confronted by crowds of lusty-eyed fans, and there’s nothing he can do about it. This is just a stab in the dark, but we’d imagine that Kevin Jonas’ testicles are constantly like giant twitching watermelons.

But, credit where it’s due, Kevin Jonas has decided to do something about it. He’s getting married.

Who to? Well, as a Jonas Brother Kevin Jonas has the entire world of women at his command. Look at his brothers – one of them might be involved with Miley Cyrus and the other one’s going out with the monobrowed bikini girl from 10,000 BC (the key word there is ‘bikini’ rather than ‘monobrowed’, obviously) – so which A-list stunner has Kevin Jonas landed himself? Well, her name is Danielle Deleasa and um, she sort of used to be a hairdresser once. Does that count? People reports:

Deleasa couldn’t believe what was happening. Then, “She said yes, yes, yes like 500 times super fast in a row,” the oldest of the Jonas Brothers tells PEOPLE… “It was tough performing last night, knowing that I was going to ask the biggest question in my life to the most amazing girl in the world,” he says.

Oh, that’s… that’s actually quite sweet. What a spoilsport. Couldn’t he have at least thrown in a “Finally, I’ll get to see what a naked woman looks like!” or a “You know what? I can’t wait to take this purity ring and set the cocking thing on fire. Do you know how many women I could have shagged if it weren’t for this piece of crap on my finger? Millions. I literally could have shagged millions of girls. And now, just because curiosity got the better of me, I’m stuck with this one for the rest of my life. Thanks a lot purity ring, you massive arse”?

No? For us? No? You bloody spoilsport.

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