Well that’s it. The one true Hollywood love story is coming to a close.

Also Katherine & Joe Jackson are calling it quits after 60 years of marriage. As we understand it the last straw was when Katherine caught Joe belt-whipping Michael’s corpse and telling it to rot better. Because that’s supposed to be what he did while the boys would dance – get it? See what we did there?

The elder Jackson marriage is reportedly so done that even Dr. Conrad Murray wouldn’t be able to resuscitate it. Not that he’d try, mind you.

What could cause the participants in a sixty year old marriage to file for divorce. We think it probably had something to do with the way Joe would always take out his teeth to slurp down his breakfast grits. There his dental work would sit – staring at you on the breakfast-nook table while a little drool puddle formed underneath them. 59 years is all we’d be able to take of that too.

That or it’s got to do with the jerk-wad interviews the man’s been giving lately. In fact – in one interview he’s said to have blamed his wife for their son’s death. Pop Crunch sums it up:

“Katherine, 80, has filed for divorce after Joe — long suspected of abusing his prodigy son Michael as a child, blamed his estranged wife for the icon’s death in an interview with British tabloid News of the World. Speaking about the months leading up to the Michael’s death, outspoken Joe, 81, said of his wife: “I begged her to go over and stay with him, but she insisted he needed his privacy. The betrayal is said to be the last straw for Katherine.”

And that, folks, is the sixty year ender. We’d like to know if this means they’ll have to give back 60 years of anniversary presents. If so – we certainly hope they remember the silver platter with the buck-naked images of themselves engraved on it was from us. That thing was expensive – carved by hand with only a carpentry nail.

But then we’ve always been good gift givers.

We’d also like to know how they’re gonna split everything. Like Michael – will one of them get the body & the other get the brain that was definitely removed from it’s skull? And who’ll get all the burkas he used to wear in Bahrainian ladies rooms?

Joe will probably get the Burkas. It’s just our gut feeling.

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Venturing out to secondary school is a worry for everyone concerned.

For the parents, it’s quite likely that their little tykes will be let off the safety leash and into the heartless hands of a 17-foot bully. Some of the more confident children will embrace the opportunity to make new friends. Others will simply steal small amounts of chemicals form the science lab and blow stuff up.

For the offspring of Michael Jackson, they have never had this opportunity. Not just in grown-up school, but in general life. It’s almost like their father wanted to keep them in a cocoon where they’d be wrapped up and guarded from everything. To coincide with the first anniversary of her son’s death, Katherine Jackson has explained how she wants a normal life for her grandchildren. So there’s the pet giraffes gone then, bitch.

The UK commemorates everything to do with the Royal family with cheap posh-sounding china. From the Queen farting to Prince Charles using his ears to fly with, us patriotic Brits can proudly display them in our shed for generations to admire. Michael Jackson memorabilia on the other hand features us all sorts of kooky tat ranging from coins you can’t spend to sparkly gloves that bring out crotch rubbing tendencies to bootleg bottles of Jesus Juice.

As far as we can tell, Katherine Jackson hasn’t decided to talk to the press about generating money or blaming Dr. Conrad Murray for everything. Possibly realising that fame caused her most famous offspring to die early, she’s stated that she wants a normal life for his grandchildren. Speaking to the Daily Mail, she said:

“I’d say I’m a little less strict but I’ve tried to follow the way Michael was raising them But they don’t have friends. They don’t go to school. They have private lessons at home. They’ll be going to a private school in September for the first time.”

Cutting between the words to pick up some sort of meaning, we believe that Katherine Jackson basically wants them to grow old, have a normal life and not be like Janet Jackson – who, like a fart in an elevator, won’t go away. It does make us wonder what basic education has been passed on to them. The art of singing and dancing may make them popular, but if Prince Michael can’t win when challenged to piss against a toilet wall, then he’ll be in for it.

Whilst the Jackson gang are being forced to go to school, it still won’t be the same. In private schools, the children aren’t the same as the ones who grew up in state comprehensives learning how to hotwire cars and steal cheap electronics. Who’s going to taunt Blanket for having a stupid name? No-one will slip in the awkward taunt of “My dad’s better than yours because he’s alive” and who’ll call them all wackos?

At least they can educate the other children on not fucking around with fireworks when it comes to Bonfire Night. Pepsi really does give an explosive taste.

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As shocking and sad as Michael Jackson’s death obviously was, at least one good thing has emerged from it.

Joe Jackson. Barmy old mad-eyed Joe Jackson. He’s just exceptional value as a human being. Whether he’s skulking around in the immediate aftermath of Michael Jackson’s death trying to promote CDs to the nearest camera crew or claiming that Michael’s estate needs to pay him $20,000 a month to cover his food and rent outgoings, Joe Jackson has been nothing less than a shining model of everything that’s brilliant about humanity.

Obviously since there’s just over a week to go until the first anniversary of Michael Jackson’s death, Joe Jackson will no doubt keep himself to himself for the foreseeable… oh, no, our mistake – he’s just said that Michael’s death was all the fault of his wife Katherine Jackson. Whoops.

Since Michael Jackson died last year, the message from the Jackson camp has been constant and clear – it was Dr Conrad Murray‘s fault. It was he, they say, who injected Michael with the fatal dose of industrial anaesthetic. Never mind that he was carrying out Michael’s wishes, or that someone else would have done it if he had refused, or that Michael Jackson’s drug use had been a barely-kept secret for years – Dr Conrad Murray killed Michael Jackson and that was that.

Which is great, except that Michael Jackson’s dear old dad Joe Jackson – the same Joe Jackson, incidentally, who Michael Jackson accused of child abuse and then cut out of his will – has decided to break ranks and blame it on Michael’s mother. He really is a very wonderful man, you know. EW reports:

Joe Jackson alleges that his son’s death was a result of his wife Katherine’s inaction. “I said, ‘If you had listened to me, Michael would be living now!’ I kept thinking about the times I had stood in front of her saying something was wrong. Katherine didn’t say a word. I had to get away from her. If she’d done what I asked, Michael would be here today. I am incensed with her.”

Finally! Someone’s found the balls to step forward and blame someone else for notoing  dsomething that they themselves were perfectly capable of doing whenever they wanted. Joe Jackson, you’re our hero. Someone should build a statue of you. Made of gold. That rotates so it always faces the sun. And, yes, we are saying that so you don’t beat us up, you ridiculous octogenarian bellend.

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If one positive has come from Michael Jackson’s death, it’s probably the fact that it’s made Joe Jackson famous again.

Because, unequivocally, that man is a hero. Joe Jackson proved that, armed with little more than steely focus and a refreshing openness to emotional and physical torment, any normal child can transform into a quivering, tragic, drug-addicted megastar. And after Katherine Jackson was awarded custody of Michael Jackson’s children, everyone secretly hoped that Joe Jackson would work his magic on them, too.

But it’s not to be. Joe Jackson has promised to only intermittently visit and/or terrify the children. Spoilsport.

If all 80-year-olds were more like Joe Jackson then the world would be a much more productive place. Admittedly it’d also be a much more violent place, to the extent that everyone under the age of 80 would be afraid to ever leave their house for fear of getting beaten up, but mainly it’d be more productive. Just look at Joe Jackson, for example. He’s always working.

Why, just three short days after the tragic death of his most famous son, Joe Jackson was out on the streets telling anyone who’d listen about his new hip-hop recording project. Insensitive? Well, yes, obviously. But productive? That too, probably.

And it’s this monomaniacal determination to piggybck on the success of others that was going to fix all this Michael Jackson mess. After all, rumour had it that Joe Jackson was toying with the idea of whipping Michael Jackson’s three grieving children into becoming a brand-new best-selling pop act called The Jackson Three. It was a genius idea – the children would have a project to take their minds off their dead father, the group would clearly make a lot of money and Joe Jackson would be able to get his good old beatin’ stick out of storage.

Katherine Jackson getting custody of Michael Jackson’s kids seemed like the last piece of the puzzle, too, because then Joe could just pop round at any time and terrify them into dancing better. But it’s not going to happen – Joe Jackson has officially stated to a Los Angeles court that he’s not going to be anything like a guardian to the kids, as NME reports:

Joe Jackson wrote, “I have had a close family relationship with these grandchildren since their birth. I do visit the family residence from time to time and will continue to do so, however I will not be involved in raising the children.”

As sad as it is that The Jackson Three will probably never happen happen now, it might be best for the kids in the long run. After all, they’ve gone through one hell of an upheaval and right now they need the loving stability that only comes from living with a very old woman who none of them have any direct genetic connection with whatsoever.

As for Joe Jackson? A little thing like this isn’t going to get him down. And we’re sure that we’ll see proof of that in the coming weeks when Joe Jackson launches his new version of The Jackson Three featuring an incontinent old tramp, a horse in a top hat and an acorn.

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So far the death of Michael Jackson has given a lot to his fans – but what if you’re a fan of giant anticlimaxes?

Don’t worry – Michael Jackson has you covered, too. Because the custody battle over Michael Jackson’s kids, which looked certain to be a scrap between Katherine Jackson, Debbie Rowe, the children’s biological parents and Diana Flipping Ross, is over. From now on, those kids belong to Katherine Jackson.

The children must be thrilled – because nobody’s more like Michael Jackson than Katherine Jackson. Apart from a half-melted waxwork figurine of a Munch painting, obviously, but that’d just be impractical.

As ridiculous as the (literally) brainless death of Michael Jackson and all the ensuing hoopla was, it’s important to remember that there are children involved.

No, not like that you pervert. We mean Michael Jackson’s actual kids. Or the kids that Michael Jackson claimed were his, at least. Christ, this is confusing. Anyway, this last last month must have been unbearable for Michael’s three children. They’ve lost their father, they’ve been forced to cry on global television by Janet Jackson and – worst of all – they’ve realised that nobody really wants them.

The custody battle for Michael Jackson kids was supposed to be epic – Katherine Jackson was supposed to want them, Debbie Rowe was supposed to want them, Diana Ross was supposed to want them, their own biological parents might have wanted them – but none of that happened. Diana Ross went quiet, the real parents never turned up and Debbie Rowe told the whole world that she didn’t want anything to do with them. That left 79-year-old Katherine Jackson, who got custody of the kids yesterday, more or less by default. Time reports:

Michael Jackson’s brood will indeed be growing up Jackson, but not without the occasional visit from a familiar face. Debbie Rowe will officially return to the lives of her two birth children, according to a joint statement between Rowe’s and Katherine Jackson’s attorney, released early Thursday.

Good. The children have been through a horrific upheaval, so it’s heartening to know that they’ll spend the rest of their lives being looked after by their grandmother. Well, not the rest of their lives, obviously. The woman’s almost 80, for crying out loud. At best she’s probably only got the strength to raise them for another five years or so, at which point they’ll have to go through this whole harrowing procedure again.

But, still, it’s nice that Debbie Rowe has agreed to visit the children from time to time, so at least their constant morbid fear that they’ll witness the deaths of two of their guardians within the space of a couple of years will be punctuated by the awkwardness of occasional semi-formal appointments with the woman who famously sold away her parental rights for cash while Michael Jackson was still alive. That’s something, right?

But, hey, on the plus side that new Jackson Three album is going to be pretty kickass.

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They say that losing a child is the worst thing that can happen to a parent, but that’s clearly rubbish.

Look at Michael Jackson‘s parents. They’re living proof that the worst thing that can happen to a parent is losing a millionaire child who wrote you out of his will because you used to mercilessly beat him all the time. But Katherine and Joe Jackson aren’t going to let a little thing like the dying wishes of their beloved son stop them from getting rich, so they’re contesting Michael Jackson’s will.

They waited for 27 days, for anyone running office sweepstakes.

In the last few weeks we’ve been criticised for not recognising Michael Jackson’s genius. Well, to those people we say this – sorry. You were right. You were absolutely right. Michael Jackson was a genius. Not because of what he did in his life – we still maintain that if squeaking and having an uncomfortably close relationship with children makes you a genius then all guinea pigs should be signed up to Mensa immediately – but because of what he’s done in death.

Why? Because Michael Jackson invoked a ‘no contest’ clause in his will. It’s brilliant. It means that if you try to disagree with anything that Michael Jackson said in it, you get immediately written out. It’s sort of like a legal version of writing ‘Jonathan wets the bed IDST’ on someone else’s exercise book at school. You can try and erase it if you like, but it won’t matter because even if you destroy it, it’ll still be true.

And this is great news for Michael Jackson’s family. After all, the will largely ignored them in favour of naming John McClain and John Branca as the co-executors of his estate – so what do they lose if their challenge fails? A handful of kids that probably aren’t even theirs anyway, that’s what. And who cares about them? One of them’s called Blanket for crying out loud. Who wants to look after a kid called Blanket? Honestly, contesting the will is a win-win for Katherine and Joe Jackson. Which is probably why they’re doing it, as Rolling Stone reports:

Katherine Jackson has reportedly hired the Jackson family attorney to challenge son Michael Jackson’s 2002 will… Katherine’s lawyers were in court last Friday, July 17th, to see if they can challenge the co-executors’ decisions without triggering the “no contest” clause.

Actually, we can totally see the point of Michael Jackson’s family here – they’re his family, for crying out loud. And, true, Michael Jackson may have sensibly chosen a pair of business-minded professionals to oversee his estate, but Katherine and Joe Jackson are Michael Jackson’s family. Doesn’t that mean anything any more?

Oh alright, we’ll admit it – we want Michael Jackson’s family to run his estate purely because we want to visit the Neverland gift shop in a few years and buy a commemorative ‘Michael Jackson, King Of Pop – I Definitely Didn’t Hit Him, You Know’ T-shirt designed by his dad. Is that so wrong?

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When Michael Jackson died, it was generally feared that he’d leave an Anna Nicole Smith-style mess in his wake.

Luckily that hasn’t happened. Michael Jackson lived his life free of Anna Nicole-style controversy, there’s been no Anna Nicole-style mystery behind Michael Jackson’s death and there won’t be an Anna Nicole-style custody battle over Michael Jackson’s kids because they’re definitely his. We’re sure you’ll agree that’s a giant relief.

Wait a minute, Michael Jackson’s life was controversial, his death is a mystery and there’s likely to be the custody fight of the century over his children? Oh thank God for that.

So far the most depressing thing about Michael Jackson’s death has either been the fact that it happened at all, the way that radio stations won’t stop playing Billie Jean a full five days after he died or the tragic lack of any homemade tapestries depicting Michael Jackson as Jesus on the cross being put up for sale on eBay.

But those three things can expect to be blown out of the water any day now, because the world has just remembered that Michael Jackson had three kids and nobody seems particularly sure who they belong to any more. And, credit to Michael Jackson and his estate, that isn’t just depressing news – that’s an award-winning, gold-standard epic level of unbearably depressing news.

At the moment Michael Jackson’s three children – Michael Jr, Paris and Prince Michael – are living with Michael’s mother Katherine Jackson after a court awarded her temporary guardianship yesterday.

That in itself is good news for all manner of reasons – a) in this time of unthinkable loss, the children will fare better in familiar, stable surroundings, b) If the children want to be with someone who looks like Michael Jackson, their best bet is to hang out with a 79-year-old woman, and c) Katherine Jackson brought Michael Jackson up and he turned out OK, didn’t he? – but don’t expect this peace to last for much longer.

And that’s because at lease two of Michael Jackson’s children have a mother, and there’s a very good chance that she’ll start fighting for custody any day now. Technically Michael Jackson’s ex-wife Debbie Rowe signed away all her parental rights to the children in 2006, but that’s probably not going to stop her from having another crack at it now that he’s dead, as the San Francisco Chronicle reports:

“Deborah Rowe has a biological link and is in a better position than the grandparents,” said Marshall Waller, a certified family-law specialist who practices in Beverly Hills. “The law tends to favor placing the children in the custody of the biological parent. … If she steps up, they would go to her unless the court determines that her guardianship would be harmful to the children.”

So, in summary, Michael Jackson’s kids are either going to end up living with the mother who ditched them for cash three years ago or the grandmother who forced their father into showbusiness as a child to his obvious mental and physical detriment. And that’s just the two oldest kids – nobody even knows who the mother or father of Prince Michael are, so that’s only going to complicate things even further.

But just because his life was a mess, his death is a mess and nobody really knows who his children belong to any more, it’d be wrong to compare Michael Jackson to Anna Nicole Smith. For example, Michael Jackson never married an almost-dead oil billionaire for money. Other than that though, yeah, the comparison sort of stands.

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