There really is something about a girl with a pasty complexion, long fangs and an unhealthy desire to suck your blood dry.

OK, so put like that, it sounds a bit odd. But there’s little doubt that vampires can be very sexy.

Admittedly, Dracula never did anything for us. But whether it’s Kate Beckinsale in a tight leather bodysuit or Salma Hayek dancing with a snake, these damsels of the dark are worth getting into a flap about…

13. Sadie Frost as Lucy
Film: Bram Stoker’s Dracula

Yeah, we can’t stand her either, but obviously there is something about bloodsucking which really agrees with her.

12. Anne Parillaud as Marie
Film: Innocent Blood

French beauty Parillaud is so good you almost forget how bad the film is. Don’t believe us? It’s basically The Lost Boys meets The Sopranos. Now are you convinced?

11. Angie Everhart as Lilith
Film: Bordello of Blood

Angie gives a stand out performance as a vampire hooker.

10. Soledad Miranda as Countess Nadine Carody
Film: Vampyros Lesbos

Vampires. Lesbians. Need we say anymore?

9. Catherine Deneuve as Miriam Blaylock
Film: The Hunger

Catherine Deneuve indulges in a bit of lesbian vampire action, unfortunately with old vinegar tits Susan Sarandon.

8. Aaliyah as Queen Akasha
Film: Queen of the Damned

OK, the film sucked shit through a straw, but Aaliyah looks amazing in her final appearance before her untimely death.

7. Jeri Ryan as Valerie Sharpe
Film: Dracula 2000

She’s more famous being in Star Trek, but she looks pretty good as a vampire too. Excuse the foreign language clip, but you get the point.

6. Leonor Varela as Nyssa
Film: Blade II

Forget the fact she can’t act for toffee and shares her name with a fabric conditioner, Varela makes a fang-statistic vampire in Blade II.

5. Monica Bellucci as one of Dracula’s brides
Film: Bram Stoker’s Dracula

Look, it could have been any of the three, but we would settle for Monica Bellucci. Excuse the long intro to this clip, but it’s worth it.

4. Olga Kurylenko as The Vampire
Film: Paris, je t’aime

The new Bond girl makes quite an impression as a blood-sucking vamp in this 2006 French film. Above is the trailer, blink and you’ll miss her.

3. Ingrid Pitt as Elisabeth Nodosheen
Film: Countess Dracula

Hammer horror’s finest. No vampire list would be the same without her.

2. Kate Beckinsale as Selene
Film: Underworld

We’re not huge fans of Kate Beckinsale or Underworld, but there is something about her role as Selene which stands out.

1. Salma Hayek as Santanico Pandemonium
Film: From Dusk Till Dawn

One of those movie moments that stick in your head.

Honorable mentions:
Sharon Tate as Sarah in the Fearless Vampire Killers
Jami Gertz as Star in The Lost Boys
Traci Lords as Racquel in Blade
Jenny Wright from Near Dark
Amanda Donahoe as Lady Sylvia-Marsh in The Lair of the White Worm

Kate Beckinsale is absolutely disgusting. We think this for many reasons – one being the popular evidence citing that after she chopped that evil vampire’s head in half in her one movie, she ate his brain off screen.

The evidence we’re talking about there is a dream we had. Seriously – she swallowed it all in less than a bite.

Another reason is she’s worked so hard to actually convince us she’s disgusting. Her butt, for instance, isn’t good enough for her. That’s why she never allows it any screen time, causing an enormous jealousy driven feud between her lips, nose and buttock.

It’s true though – she wants a butt double in some upcoming movie that no doubt has a driven, character-based plot and a wicked surprise ending that’s impossible to predict. That or it ends with her finally kissing her male co-star who she’s loved all along but just didn’t realize it.

Now doesn’t that sound nice?

In Van Helsing everything was progressing swimmingly until Kate Beckinsale‘s butt got on camera and accidentally crushed the stitched-skull of that Frankenstein monster, and caused cameras 3-5 to tip right off their tracks. Also it wiped out the catering table, but not by tipping it.

Is that believable? Beckinsale apparently thinks so. The Daily Mail has the specs:

“She has a slim, toned figure that most women would die for. But Kate Beckinsale has demanded a body double for her latest film – because she “loathes” her bottom. Producers have had to hire a £1,000-a-day nude stand-in after Kate, 34, refused to bare her derriere in a shower scene.”

We bet the stand-in has more to do with the soap’s acting ability than it does Kate having a shy derriere. We’d be frustrated too if all we were getting was a poorly-acted lather and dozens of retakes. They should use Irish Spring – seriously, remember Fight Club?

But until then some person with a skinny, well proportioned, non-grotesque butt is gonna have to earn approximately $2,000 a day to stand there in the bubbles with the camera getting so close we’ll all start sneezing from the butt-fuzz when we see it on the silver screen.

Actually that doesn’t sound too bad. You know we could feasibly fit into Beckinsale’s favorite jean-brand. Also we have a tremendous flex back there. We’re just saying.

Hey producers, we’re just saying.