Sherlock Holmes is one of the most abiding detective characters in literary history. Along with his sycophantic companion, Dr John Watson, the amateur consulting detective uses his powers of deduction to solve the most fiendishly cryptic cases in Victorian London amazing one and all with his capacity for lateral thinking and disguise as he does so.

Conan Doyle’s books have been adapted for television, radio and film on many occasions and every iteration of the classic stories brings its own idea of how the Holmes/Watson dynamic works. Just look at ‘Sherlock’, the BBC’s surprisingly enjoyable updating of the series which began with a reimagining of A Study In Scarlet and you can see that the world of Sherlock Holmes is as relevant to today’s audiences as those half a century ago.

Then there was Guy Ritchie’s enjoyable romp through Victorian London which starred Robert Downey Jr and Jude Law as the duo who cracked-wise and cracked heads through a story which had its roots in the supernatural and came with a very steam punk feel (you know, like Wild Wild West but not as crap).

Luckily for fans of that particular incarnation, Ritchie wasn’t content to rest on the laurels of the first film and in the pursuit of more money to fund his divorce has gone all out in order to ensure that there are as many explosions, gunshots, pulled underskirts and longing looks as possible. You know, to make sure that cinema audiences don’t get bogged down in one of Ritchie’s famously cerebral plots.

The new trailer was released yesterday and manages to cram about eighty slow motion ‘bullet time’ shots into a two and a half minute window, implying that the film might be entirely shot at half speed in order to make sure everyone can keep up with the twists and turns of Holmes’ psychological journey into the past, the present and his case.

Or maybe it’s just yet another dumb action movie with loads of explosions and moments of “minor peril”.

Watch the trailer and decide for yourself. Or don’t. It’s no skin off our noses.

Rod Stewart is one of the most unlikely sex symbols in history. Face it, he looks like a melted waxwork of Sarah Jessica Parker crossed with a dead leopard and a nylon bag filled with hammers. Yet somehow, women still want to have sex with him.

One sexual encounter produced a child called Kimberley who, rather than suffering the misfortune of looking like her father, is a carbon copy of Joely Richardson. It’s eerie.

And now, the Russian doll effect continues as she’s about to give birth to a child after Kimberley swapped fluids with ice-cream vendor, Benicio del Toro (who these days, looks like Tim Curry if he lived in a tea pot). This means, for the first time, Rod the Mod is to be a grandfather.

However, this story has a very modern (and rather dull) twist! While Kimberley Stewart and Benicio Del Toro are indeed having a baby together, Del Toro’s spokesperson was incredibly keen to point out that the pair are not a couple.

In fairness to Kim, this is one of her better conquests. She has been seen on the arm/down the throat of Jude Law (who hasn’t?), Jack Osbourne (yes, really), Rhys Ifans and some people you’ve never heard of called Cisco Adler, Talan Torriero and Joe Francis. For all we know, the last three could work in chip shops.

Del Toro is quite the swordsman too, having had flings and romances with Alicia Silverstone, Scarlett Johansson and Minnie Driver.

Alas, Benny Boy isn’t one for settling down. Previously, when asked about it, he indignantly said:

“Why? Everyone says, “Why isn’t he married?” But it’s like, ‘F***! Why do I have to get married? Just so I can get divorced?”

He also described his house as a cave, which makes us hope that his lounge looks exactly like the Vegas hotel room from his scenes in Fear And Loathing In Las Vegas, complete with flooded floor, crying painter girl and stabbed water melon.

He’ll be a great father!

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If Jude Law really loved us, like he said he did in that dream we had, then he’d know how crushed we are that he’s been spotted running around with Lily Cole.

The nerve.

It’s only been a matter of  days since he split with Sienna Miller for the 322nd time and does he seem remotely bothered? Heartbroken perhaps? DOES HE CARE ABOUT ANYONE? WELL DOES HE?!

Nope, it seems that perhaps only a broken penis or the obliteration of the entire female population will stop this uncaring sex machine from pumping everything that moves.

Known for his face licking skills at London nightclubs, Law decided not to change the habit of a lifetime and was spotted kissing Lily Cole and probably making honking noises with her boobs in between martinis at The Box club in London.

A nosey parker said:

‘Jude and Lily were at a table kissing and being very flirtatious.  It was clear they were very comfortable with each other’

By ‘comfortable with’, we’re assuming they mean ‘horny for’.

The couple had apparently secretly dated in 2008 but we’re not one for idle gossip so we don’t know what went on.

However, SHE WAS SPOTTED COMING OUT OF HIS FLAT ONE MORNING SO THEY MUST HAVE BEEN AT IT ALL BLOODY NIGHT!!!!

Ahem.

Anyway, if Jude can’t keep it in his trousers for more than 30 seconds and wants to date women far, FAR too young for him, who are we to judge?

Oh that’s right we’re hecklerspray.  It’s what we do.

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Eerily symmetrical professional penis, Jude Law (essentially a Tesco Finest Callum Best), is back on the market, destined to make absolutely everyone and everything he touches pregnant. This man is more potent than a rabbit’s ballbag.

Jude and Sienna Miller have decided to do us all a massive favour by officially ending their on-again, off-again, on-again, off-again, on-again, off-again, on-again, off-again, on-again, off-again, on-again, off-again, relationship.

Of course, Jude hasn’t had the simplest of times when it comes to affair of the loins, getting up to all kindsa mucky business when throwing the keys in a bowl with Sadie Frost, sticking his engorged member into nannies and models and of course, Sienna Miller isn’t exactly an angel herself, being dubbed a marriage wrecker. We are, naturally, seething with jealousy.

And now, the two randiest humans on Earth are out there, somewhere, prowling around like sexual predator, getting trees pregnant, seducing packets of sour sweets and giving orgasms to chest freezers.

Lock up your daughters, sons, nanas, cats, grandpas and anyone who you’ve ever met and seen passing by you in the street.

Back to the split, the rep said:

“Yes, I can confirm their separation”

We didn’t need to include this delightful little vignette, but it does give an air of credibility to this story we’re writing right now. Without it, you’d think we were just making things up wouldn’t you? Well we’re not. Even though we could well have made up that quote from the rep. You’ll never know. You’ll never care either because you’re probably thinking impure thoughts about being sandwiched between these two walking erections.

Law and Miller first got together while working on the woeful 2004′s remake of Alfie.

They got engaged on Christmas Day of that year, which was helplessly romantic, only for Jude to throw his spanner shaped penis into the vaginal works of the nanny of his children. It goes without saying that Sienna Miller wasn’t particularly pleased by this and kicked his impossibly taut buttocks to some imagined emotional kerb.

Then, the pair went around dry humping the entire world before getting back together after Jude Law grovelled on his muscular knee-joins.

Then they split-up again.

Then they got back together again.

Now they’ve split-up again. Or something. To be honest, we don’t care and neither do you. Unless, of course, you’re one of those nutters who feels like they really know a star because they’ve watched all their films and stared at their face for long enough in various magazines.

A bit like the relationship between vicars and Jesus then?

Anyway, we’ve got to dash now. While we’ve been writing this article, Sienna Miller has run off with everyone we know and Jude Law got us pregnant up the bum.

Drat.

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Can robots really be sexy? Can a mechanical object devoid of human emotion and personality really turn you on? Of course it can – just look at Emily Blunt.

But, obviously, it helps if they look like Blunt, Grace Park, Tricia Helfer, or anyone on this list. Two of them even made toasters sexy, for God’s sake. We have never looked at the office Rowenta the same way since.

The same can’t be said for our Henrietta Hoover, though. Sure, she has an eager face, a bag full of accessories and a suck that could strip paint, but she looks more like a hyperactive child that has drunk too much Sunny D than Darryl Hannah in Bladerunner.

Mind you, come to think of it, her bag has been a full a lot recently – the cheap, pink floozy. OK, we are only joking now – and, sure, as we write, we feel slightly soiled and unusual, but robots really can be sexy.

Think about it, robots do what you ask them to do and are happy to please. Plus their beauty never fades and there is always an off switch for those rare occasions when their ‘personality’ chips overheat. Then the attraction starts to become obvious: Less housework, less conflict and more sex – even if it is a bit icky, like trying to mount a pink Optimus Prime or something.

But which robots from movies, TV and even music videos are the sexiest? Well, hecklerspray, as always, provides lame answers to the questions you never asked in the first place.

We have even managed to get one bloke in our list of lovely lady-bots to make it fairer. Mind you it is Jude Law, who, especially after seeing a picture of his private parts, barely counts.

Anyway enjoy – we are already looking forward to comments of ‘you forgot blah blah from that film no one has ever heard of’. Oh, and, yes, we are including bloody cyborgs. Don’t start.

22. Bjork lesbian robot
From: Music video All Is Full Of Love

Brilliant video of Bjork getting it on with herself. No, not like that.

21. Cameron (Summer Glau)
From: Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles

Everyone loves the Summer.

20. Gigolo Joe (Jude Law)
From: AI

Token bloke alert.

19. Diana A
From: Mazinger Z

Her breasts are missiles – what else needs to be said. Don’t look at us like that.

18. Annalee Call (Winona Ryder)
From: Alien Resurrection

Everyone’s favourite shoplifter.

17. Alice (Isabel Lucas)
From: Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen

Great tongue and a more convincing human being than Megan Fox.

16. Joanna Eberhart (Katharine Ross)
From: Stepford Wives (1975 version)

What? Come on! You so would. Or, errr, would have done.

15. Various (The Fembots)
From: Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery

Even Liz Hurley almost passed as sexy as a FemBot. Mind you, she already had the robotic moves and cold, emotionless stare – that’s how she normally acts.

14. Rosie (voice of Jean Vander Pyl)
From: The Jetsons

So eager to please.

13. Eve (Renee Soutendijk)
From: Eve of Destruction

If you have never seen this film, get it out now. It’s about a government-created robot built in the image of a sexy scientist and it’s up to actor/dancer Gregory Hines to stop her from blowing up and taking everyone with her. Really.

12. Joanna Eberhart (Nicole Kidman)
From: The Stepford Wives (newer, crappier version)

OK, not to everyone’s taste, but this is my list, OK?

11. Casella ‘Cash’ Reese (Angelina Jolie)
From: Cyborg 2

Cyborg 2 is so bad, it’s worse than Cyborg. But Angelina Jolie, before she is famous, has a naked scene where she cavorts with the guy from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (No, not Uncle Phil from Fresh Prince). You can almost smell her desperation.

10. Maria (Brigitte Helm)
From: Metropolis

An exotic dancer who doesn’t talk?

9. Rachael (Sean Young)
From: Blade Runner

Our replicants really robots, who cares?

8. Gigolo Jane (Ashley Scott)
From: AI

AI is a such a bad film. Even worse than Cyborg 2. But strikingly attractive love-bot, Gigolo Jane, almost makes up for the 18 bum-numbing hours sopent watching this utter turd.

7. Lucy Liu-bot
From: Futurama

A robot with the body of Lucy Liu that you can turn off – Hrrrrrh!!!

6. Android Andrea (Sherry Jackson)
From: Star Trek: The Original series

Kissing Kirk was not part of her programming. What can we say, programmes are there to be hacked. Better still that costume doesn’t leave much to the imagination.

5. Number Eight: Grace Park
From: Battlestar Galactica

4. Pris (Darryl Hannah)
From: Blade Runner

Basic pleasure model – need we say anymore?

3. Number Six (Tricia Helfer)
From: Battlestar Galatica

tricia-helfer

Top of the range toaster.

2. Seven of Nine (Jeri Ryan)
From: Star Trek: Voyager

More 10 out of 10.

1. The Terminatrix (Kristanna Loken)
From: Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines

A clear winner.

Honorable mentions:
Demon Seed – Proteus
Arnie – Terminator franchise

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There’s not many things that can plaster a great big dribbling grin on your face, quite like the theme tune to Sesame Street can. Everything about the show is brilliant from top to bottom. That’s why anyone who is famous wants to appear on it. Johnny Cash, Stevie Wonder, John Candy, Tom Hanks and C3PO have all stepped foot on the famous street.

So who might be next?

Well, Sesame Street is not a show to disappoint as they’ve lined up some seriously famous faces along with some ace segments that’ll lampoon shows that are squarely aimed at adults who still tune in.

Appearing alongside Big Bird, Elmo, Grover and Cookie Monster in the new and 41st season, are a glittering array of stars and probably some people you’ve never heard of, but might recognise their faces.

Ryan Reynolds, Jennifer Garner, Usher, Katy Perry, Will.i.am, Colin Farrell, Terence Howard and Jude Law are all set to show their chops on Sesame Street. Jude Law will probably try and have sex with Snuffleupagus and Barkley at the same time.

Heat also report on details of some of the upcoming parodies have also been released with a True Mud (True Blood), Ironing Monster (Iron Man) and The A Team featuring Ryan Reynolds already planned.

Keep up the good work Children’s Television Workshop!

(This article was brought to you in association with the letters F, U and the number ‘Piss Off’.)

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Robert Downey Jr. is Sherlock Holmes…

Our inspectors are baffled by the mystery of it: somehow, our favourite Victorian hero was mistaken for Inspector Gadget. Guy Ritchie resurrects London’s drug-reliant super-detective and ditches his deerstalker hat for ninja skills and fruity dialogue. Accompanied by Watson (Jude Law), a plot involving the occult and other destructive powers sends Mr. Holmes on a mission fraught with explosions, bare-knuckle boxing and ridiculous acrobatics.

See him leap into the Thames from Westminster Palace, blow up half of London looking for criminals and get chained to a bed by a whore. Arthur Conan Doyle‘s quick-witted 18th century legend is dragged, kicking and screaming into the box office of the future, making a name for cheesy one-liners and walking stick martial arts. A sense of humour failure is expected from the purists.

For thousands of years, Afghanistan has weathered a near-constant stream of violent invasions. Why? Because Jude Law wasn’t around to sort them all out, obviously.

But luckily that’s all changed now. Jude Law went to Afghanistan on a mission of peace yesterday, to call for a one-day ceasefire that would allow food deliveries and vaccinations to take place. But only if it’s called The First Annual Ceasefire And We Love Jude Law Day and everyone is given a Jude Law mask and a badge that says ‘Jude Law Is My Hero And Also A Fairly Underrated Actor’.

That’s a lie. But while Jude Law’s Afghan peace visit might seem like an embarrassingly hopeless display of celebrity vanity, it might just work. After all, it’s a little-known fact that the Taliban universally considers Jude Law’s portrayal of a sexy robot prostitute in AI to be the pinnacle of artistic achievement in all of history. It might work after all!

We’ve always thought that Jude Law was good at three things – miraculously and naturally reversing the effects of male pattern baldness, having it off with the staff and peacefully unifying all regions of the world forever all by himself.

No, really, he is. Look at the Bosnian war – it was a tangled mess that looked set to rage on for centuries until it abruptly came to an end in 1995, just after the release of Jude Law’s little-watched joyriding Britflick Shopping. Coincidence? No? Pah, next you’ll be telling us that the 2004 expansion of North Atlantic Treaty Organisation didn’t have anything to do with I Heart Huckabees.

Anyway, now Jude Law has turned his focus onto Afghanistan. According to reports, Jude Law is pushing for September 21 to become a nationwide ‘Peace Day’ where all sides of the conflict can lay down their weapons to facilitate 24 hours of safe food deliveries and vaccinations.

Apparently this is the second year in a row that Jude Law has visited Afghanistan, after making a top-secret trip last year to help with the country’s vaccination program. It was such a top-secret visit, in fact, that nobody at all knew he was even there. Well, apart from the crew of the forthcoming documentary that Jude Law was making about it. He’s not stupid. Speaking in Kabul yesterday, Jude Law said of his last visit:

“I was hugely moved, not by the conflict that I have read so much about, but by the people’s courage and the people’s sense of hope. It seemed that they really want to make the peace day work. And they did. People recognise the day because they recognise that lives could be saved.”

According to Jude Law, this Afghanistan documentary of his is “the most important film I have been part of”. What, more important than the Alfie remake? Don’t do yourself down so much, Jude.

Actually, while it’s easy to mock Jude Law for the weird self-belief that he can bring peace to Afghanistan simply because he happens to be Jude Law, you have to admit that – theoretically at least – the Peace Day does sound like an incredibly good idea. And what does Jude Law want in return for his promotion of the cause?

Nothing more than a road named after him and a series of mile-high golden statues depicting seminal scenes from his movies that flash the world ‘hero’ in every language on Earth directly into the sky every night. The man should be applauded.

When Heath Ledger died, most people's first thought was "But what about the Terry Gilliam film he was making that we probably wouldn't have gone to see anyway? What about that?"

But it's OK, because Terry Gilliam has found a way to work around Heath Ledger's death in The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus – Heath Ledger's character Tony will be fleshed out with appearances by Johnny Depp, Colin Farrell and Jude Law, who have all stepped in to remember their friend.

Not just that, but the recasting of Heath Ledger's The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus role also sheds some light on the character Heath was set to play. It looks likely that Tony will be Irish, mumbling, dressed as a pirate and a bit of an uptight dick. Or something.

Heath Ledger's death stopped several things in their tracks all at once. Foremost of these was the marketing campaign for The Dark Knight, of which Heath Ledger was set to play the biggest part. That's been solved by Warner Bros developing a hush-hush 'Look! Katie Holmes isn't in this one!' strategy that should prove more popular than ever. 

But Terry Gilliam's new film The Imaginarium Of Doctor Parnassus also took a near-fatal hit when Heath Ledger died, because Heath Ledger had already started filming his scenes when he overdosed. The death could have pushed The Imaginarium Of Doctor Parnassus onto the pile of other unfinished Terry Gilliam projects, but now everything's been saved.

According to reports, Johnny Depp, Colin Farrell and Jude Law have all signed up to play 'incarnations' of Heath Ledger's character Tony, meaning that the movie is back on track. Variety reports:

Despite the tragic death of pic's star Heath Ledger, Johnny Depp, Jude Law, and Colin Farrell have all signed on to play Ledger's character, 'Tony,' in the film. "Parnassus," which is being produced by William Vince ("Capote"), Amy Gilliam and Samuel Hadida's banner, was shooting in London when Ledger died from an accidental overdose January 22nd. Ledger's character is transported into three separate dimensions in the fantasy pic; these new worlds, which Ledger accesses via a paranormal mirror, will now be inhabitated by Depp, Law, and Farrell.

It all sounds too good to be true – there's a good chance that the film will be a success, with some people going to see it to watch Heath Ledger's last performance and others going to see it because it'll star Jack Sparrow off the funny pirate film – but we're not so sure.

This tactic still represents a massive risk for Terry Gilliam, because now he's not just making a film about a 1,000-year-old man leading a fantastical theatre troupe across several dimensions, but a film about a 1,000-year-old man leading a fantastical theatre troupe across several dimensions that's got Jude Law in it. He couldn't have made it less popular if it was called The Baby-Raping Adventures Of Captain Stab.

Read more:

Trio steps in for Ledger – Variety