The Mayans said that the World would end in 2012, December 21st in fact (so don’t be buying any Peacocks gifts vouchers), but those pesky Aztec ripoff neglected to mention that one the signs of the upcoming Apocalypse would be Helena Bonham-Carter not starring in a Tim Burton film.

And here we are, like the nose on your plain face, looking right at the factual evidence that Bonham-Carter is going to be elsewhere when they film ‘Big Eyes.’

Instead of the massively haired weirdo, Burton has picked the insufferable Reese Witherspoon and the equally insufferable but slightly more fanciable, Ryan Reynolds to play the parts of indie artists, Margaret and Walter Keane respectively.

For those who don’t know and can’t be bothered to look on Wikipedia, the Keane’s are responsible for some of the scariest artwork, and surely an inspiration for Sophie Ellis-Bextor’s face. Massive, doe eyed women wearing clown leotards, or lying down next to tigers.

Whether you’ve heard of them or not makes no odds, because we doubt anyone will be going to see this film. There’s no Bonham-Carter in it, is there?!

The film depicts the court case where Margaret disputed the claims her husband, Walter, made about their paintings. Turns out that Maggie had allowed Walter to use his name to sell them but when it came to their divorce, she wanted them back. To prove to a judge that she was the true creator of the scary looking paintings, she knocked one up whereas he cried off claiming that he had a sore shoulder.

Loser.

The whole film sounds dreadful doesn’t it, like it should be Legally Blonde 5: The Peroxide Is Starting To Make My Hair Fall Out.

What’s more important is where will Bonham-Carter be during the filming? Probably stashing weapons grade uranium into her hair and smuggling it out of North Korea. Or continuing her research into antibiotic resistant influenza in the Burt Cave.

Finding a man to play Michael Jackson in a biopic is no easy task. Listen, LaToya Jackson is surely not in the picture, despite being MJ’s reanimated corpse. Think about it. You need someone who vaguely looks like the former King of Pop.

Naturally, what with Michael going from handsome black man to Roswell white man, there’s not many people who are up to the task, unless someone creates some ET/human/chameleon hybrid.

However, seeing as a Michael Jackson biopic is in the pipeline, there’s actors being touted to guzzle Propofol like UHT milk. And oddly, most of them are white.

Weirdly enough, Johnny Depp has been made the favourite to play Jackson in a film that will be made by Ghostbusters producers Ivan Reitman and Tom Pollock. Let us hope that their ghost enthusiasm hasn’t waned and they include that amazing MJ seance held by Derek Acorah when he channelled Mike and said ‘Say hi to Quincy Jones for me.’

Anyway, bookmakers Paddy Power opened betting and Depp ran away with a hilarious lead with odds of 4/1 with other big white names like High School Musical’s Zac Effron getting odds at 9/2 and Justin Timberlake at 12/1.

Will Smith and Usher have also been mentioned too, but that kinda spoils our angle on the article.

Sharon McHugh, spokesperson for Paddy Power, said in a statement:

“It’s going to be one mammoth task trying to get someone good enough at acting and dancing to fill Michael Jackson’s moon-walking shoes but when it comes to the race we’re betting it don’t matter if he’s black or white!”

Jesus Christ. Anyway, one person who has been cruelly overlooked is the marvellously odd Eddie Murphy who is certainly not averse to playing different characters with different faces. Better yet, he’s got form when it comes to singing bad synth-soul!

Check this out. He could totally do a Jamie Foxx when he played Ray Charles and sing the OST!

And, even BETTER than that, Eddie Murphy has links to Michael Jackson. Yes, he appeared in one of MJ’s videos (Do You Remember The Time), but Jackson appeared on one of Eddie’s singles from ’93.

Yes he did. And boy howdy, you’ll laugh when you see this video. Eddie dressed up like he’s just been kicked out of the Blue Oyster club and Jackson looking as ghoulish as ever!

Enjoy this one and start putting your money on Eddie Murphy playing Jackson in his biopic. Oh, and Carlton from the Fresh Prince to play Sexy Conrad Murray, please.

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Hey! You know who is so sexy it hurts? No. Seriously. So sexy that every alluring move of any body part results in absolute agony? Yeah. That sexy. Really violently sexy. Eruptingly sexually sexy?

Bradley Cooper!

Yeah. You thought we were going to say Johnny Depp, Brad Pitt or George Clooney didn’t you? You may have even thought about the amazingly gormless looking Ryan Gosling. BUT NO! Sexier than all of those put together, sexier than a French accent, sexier than a well-lit porn film is Bradley ‘Sexiest Man On Earth’ Cooper! Who-per?

That’s right! Bradley Cooper from… uh… ummm… that thing… ah… and Ryan Reynolds who… ummm… was in… he, ah… ummm…

Anyway, they’ve been declared the Sexiest Men Alive by People. That’s People Magazine, not some random people we asked on the street.

Cooper, who was totally brilliant when he was in that thing we saw… well… he was pretty sexy anyway, said of this dubious accolade:

“The first thing I thought [when I was named Sexiest Man Alive] was, ‘My mother is going to be so happy”

Now Cooper is the Sexiest Man On Earth, his mum will, by law, have to start being sexually attracted to her own son. What a weird and sexy scenario.

In addition to Sexy Cooper, the list also features, Liam Hemsworth, Idris Elba, Justin Theroux, Chris Evans, Tim McGraw, Josh Charles, Joel McHale, Jason Momoa, Alec Baldwin, Dylan McDermott, and Ryan Gosling who is still staring into the middle-distance looking like someone working out a tricky maths problem.

How amazingly sexy this all is.

WAIT! BRADLEY COOPER HAS A WONKY EYE LIKE ALFRED E. NEUMAN FROM MAD MAGAZINE! That’s so not sexy. That’s anti-sexy. Like a German reading a phonebook.

Blecch.

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12 bar blues is a godsend for anyone who can make their way around a fretboard without ever switching their brain on. It enables bloated divs the chance to think that they can show off a little.

LOOK MAW! I DONE LEARNDID THAT GEETAW!

The Rolling Stones’ Keef Richards is a man that’s been hauling his melted ass around the world for nearly 500 years after kneeling at the altar of the blues jam and Johnny Depp has been caught jamming with the stonesman on video, pissing around with the same tired licks you’ve heard at every lousy two-bit music bar and house party.

While Depp promotes his new film, The Rum Diary, he went and strapped on a guitar after the film’s premiere and jammed at the afterparty, held at the Hiro Ballroom in Manhattan’s Maritime Hotel.

And there was the rock ‘n’ roll Mumm-Ra, Keith Richards, to help him play some awful, awful blues.

You can see the video below and it’s every bit as tedious as you imagine.

Unless, of course, you’re one of those fools who goes weak at the knees every single time any vaguely good looking man shows off his guitar skills.

You make us vomit.

Steadily.

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Johnny Depp loves playing kooky characters doesn’t he? He’s not like those other actors who do action movies. Oh no. He plays guitar, smokes cigarettes and says having your photo taken is like being raped.

That’s our Johnny!

And now, in a move that will stagger you daft, he’s going to take on the role of children’s author Dr Seuss in a new biopic. That’s not like him is it? How very peculiar. He might even do his Hunter S. Thompson/Jack Sparrow hand wafty thing too. Amazing. What a dreamboat.

Seuss – who was born with the perfectly great name of Theodor Seuss Geisel – is of course, behind some of the best-selling (and more importantly, best-loved) children’s books EVER.

Like what? Well, he penned Horton Hears A Who!, The Cat In The Hat and How The Grinch Stole Christmas. So there. Haven’t read them? Go hang.

Seuss started off drawing commercials, before making political cartoons during World War 2. He then went on to pen over 40 children’s books which are all great or something (we’ve stopped caring in the space of two small paragraphs, yes).

And now, Universal are producing a film about him and mercifully, there won’t be much CGI polluting the screen. A massive blessing.

And yup, Depp is in the driver’s seat for the main role.

If only those pesky cameras weren’t so keep on raping him all the time.

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Have you got a thing for cowboys? Even the closeted ones from Brokeback Mountain? Do you also have a thing for the repulsively handsome Johnny Depp? Well, how about the prospect of Depp dressed up like a cowboy then? Does that tickle your pickle?

Well tough. That’s because Disney were all set to make a Depp featuring film of The Lone Ranger, ’til they decided that they really, really hate you.

That’s right! In their infinite wisdom, Walt Disney Studios have shut down production of The Lone Ranger which would have seen Johnny as Tonto and Armie Hammer (who sounds like a toothpaste) as the title character.

It seems a bit odd that Disney would pull any film starring Depp, what with him being one of the biggest bankers (not a euphemism or rhyming slang) in Hollywood. How much did the Pirates of the Caribbean franchise make? A squazadgibajllion dollars?

And it’s the direction of ‘Pirates’ who would be heading up the Lone Ranger project. Certifiable popcorn smash, right?

Either way, Disney wanted to reduce the $250 million budget to somewhere around $200-million. It didn’t happen and everyone else couldn’t get their head around the difference between $50million to an insanely wealthy company. When you get to those figures, its just conceptual numbers isn’t it?

Walt Disney Co. Chief Executive Bob Iger says:

“It’s our intention to take a very careful look at what films cost. And if we can’t get them to a level that we’re comfortable with, we think that we’re better off actually reducing the size of our slate than making films that are bigger and increasingly more risky.”

Disney making risky films? HAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHA HAHAHA HAHAHA *sharp intake of silent breath* HAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHA HAHAHA HAAAAARGH!

Could it be that Disney are stupid enough to think that people don’t like cowboys anymore, just because Cowboys & Aliens isn’t doing particularly well at the box office?

It certainly seems so. Let’s see what Disney do next. Invariably, one of their awful feature length animations that no-one really likes.

Anyway, you’ll just have to do crude drawings of Johnny Depp in ass-less chaps now. Blame Mickey Mouse.

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Dates may well be something of an American construct, but the world has embraced the notion of them, going out for dinner, watching a film or indeed, simply standing in a celebrity’s garden until they call the cops.

The ubiquitous date is a thrilling, fraught experience. It could be the start of something wonderful! The greatest love story ever told! Or indeed, it could be horrible. It could show you your dream partner and then snatch them away from you forever, seeing you vowing to an angry sky that you’ll never love another!

Tricky things aren’t they? So how best to navigate them? Well, as ever, we look to fiction for help.

The thing that prompted this is the new Heineken ad, which is called ‘The Date’. It features a man who knows how to woo a girl – mainly by taking them to a place where a band of the East plays Mohammed Rafi’s ‘Jaan Pehechaan Ho’ (you might know it as ‘That Bollywood Track From Ghost World’).

And yes. It would most certainly impress us at hecklerspray, mainly because we like that record and, secondly, no-one has ever asked us to go on a date with them. Apart from Lee Ryan’s mum.

It seems that Heineken want men of the world to start eel taming and producing bottles from their throats in a bid to woo beautiful women. Look.

There’s a Making Of which you can sink your teeth into, as well as updates you can read at Facebook.com/Heineken coming soon. We’ll be counting our advertising money by then.

But what about other dates? Some go well… others particularly badly. For example, in Hitch, Will Smith’s character goes to a food tasting thing with his date… however, he’s allergic to peanuts and…

Humans are notorious for getting it wrong, which is why we should look to canines for advice. In Lady and the Tramp, the pooches show us stupid humans how is should be done. It’s the perfect date, apart from the smell of flea collars.

Of course, not all dates are dates. Sometimes, you simply go for dinner with someone in a platonic manner, yet it still marks the start of something beautiful. In When Harry Met Sally, That Scene shows the beginnings of irritation slowly turning into something more.

Alas, There’s Something About Mary teaches us all that we should be wary about using fellas hair gel before we go out on a date. Men – pre-emptive strikes should take place loooooooooooooong before your suitor arrives at the door, okay?

And of course, women just love a funny guy, right? Especially when they look like Johnny Depp and are able to summon Buster Keaton. In Benny and Joon, Johnny Depp looks just like Johnny Deep AND summons Buster Keaton, in a kook-off that is sure to melt anyone’s heart.

Still, failing that, you can take your date to a dry field and shoot them with paintballs until they give in, just like Heath Ledger does in 10 Things I Hate About You. Basically, to capture someone’s heart, you need to be handsome, witty and quite possibly a spaghetti eating cocker-spaniel with a paintball fetish. Easy.

Do you hate the Royals? Do you wish they’d all be rounded up in some revolution (Ha! Like you lazy jerks could actually stopping messing around online long enough to actually leave the house and Smash The System!) and flogged in a public square? All of them and everyone relating to them?

Well in that case, you hate Johnny Depp. You have to get up early in the morning just to cram in enough Depp hate.

That’s because some bozo has revealed that Johnny Depp is related to Queen Elizabeth II. You heard. He’s a blue-blood now. Well, he does have a penchant for hats and shooting guns – the clues have been honking at us for years!

Apparently, Depp and The Queen are cousins, 20 times removed. This is according to a genealogist who has been researching Depp’s family tree… or, if you prefer, has far too much time on his hands.

It all stems from Depp’s ancestors. They’re called the Deppes and they’re French Huguenots who lived in 14th Century England. No, we don’t really know what a Huguenot is either.

Dr Nick Barratt, who works on the British version of Who Do You Think You Are?, says:

‘You have to go back more than 500 years to reach the point where his ancestors become royal.’

In America, that must seem like a light-year’s worth of time, but rest assured, here in Europe, that’s briefer than a mayfly’s breakfast.

Dr Barratt found that you can trace Johnny’s lineage from some berks called Sir William Gascoigne and his wife Margaret Percy who lived in Yorkshire in the 15th Century. Billy Gascoigne is famous for throwing the then Prince of Wales in prison. And that’s about it.

Maybe Johnny Depp can to the same to the current one, just for a laugh?

Anyway, Margaret Percy was the daughter of the 3rd Earl of Northumberland, who is a descendent of King Edward III, who is Queen Liz’s great granddad, 17 times removed.

So there you have it. Johnny Depp. Related to our stupid Queen.

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Aerosmith are an astonishing tale. They really are. Through drugs, women and one of the most average back catalogues in rock history, they’ve managed to become superstars simply by surviving.

And up-top, there’s wobbling sofa-bed lipped Steven Tyler, poncing around like royalty, determined to be louder than his bandmates who have had to put up with him since some time in the ’70s.

However, Aerosmith hate each other’s guts at the moment so Steven is making music with someone else. Another deity from rock’s pantheon? No. Johnny ‘the actor’ Depp. That’s right kids! Tyler and Depp are making awful music together and Tyler likes mentioning it, just on the off-chance it grinds the gears of Joe Perry & Co. Which it will. Because they’re all wrinkly children with failing livers.

The American Idol judge (no, we still can’t quite believe it either) has been holding up a pointless feud with those that helped him to get where he is today, and so, has swanned off to find someone else to play with.

And now, essentially saying “BOO YAA SUCKS TO BE YOU”, Tyler told the Today show that he and Depp regularly meet up to write dreadful music together.

Steven says:

“I get to write songs with Johnny Depp. I would have never done that being home (in Boston). He plays music and I call him (and say), ‘I’m coming over, we’re going to write a song together’. He’s like, ‘Yeah, come over .?.?. tell me if I’m playing ‘Seasons of Wither’ right’”

They probably do each other’s hair and make-up too.

Of course, Depp has previous. He’s played on a charity track with Oasis (the awful ‘Fade Away’ on the Help! LP in the ’90s) and was in the band, P.

You can hear them covering Abba’s ‘Dancing Queen’ (cue Depp fans giving it credence that they wouldn’t give a Deppless outfit) while mopping the blood from your ears.

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Tim Burton! He’s kooky isn’t he? He’s probably got stuffed animals in his house! And rugs that smell like goths. And loads of hairspray for his sticky-up haircut. And Helena Bonham Carter. He’s got one of them.

Sadly for our Tim, he looks like a hybrid of ukulele loving Tiny Tim and Tim Curry. Isn’t that weird. Tim looks like a cross between two other Tims. We’d crowbar Timothy Dalton, Tim Brooke-Taylor and Tim Westwood in as well, if we could be remotely bothered.

Anyway, Burton is going to team-up with non-Tim, Josh Brolin, to make a new version of ‘The Hunchback of Notre Dame’. Helena Bonham Carter and Johnny Depp are probably going to be in it too because they’re in every pissing film Burton ever made. Ever. Ever ever ever ever.

If you’re insultingly stupid and don’t know the story of Quasimodo, let us fill you in.

Quasimodo is a pig of a man. He’s got a gigantically deformed head, wears rubbish clothes to cover his hideous hunchback and, for a job, he rings bells in the Norte Dame cathedral in Paris. Paris is in France.

Of course, being pigshit ugly, Quasimodo doesn’t have much luck with the ladies. Sadly for Lord Quas, he falls in love with a very beautiful gypsy called Esmerelda.

Quas goes on to play for Newcastle United and Liverpool and Esmerelda, of course, featured in Channel 4′s vaguely racist ‘My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding’ wearing a gown so heavy that it turned her knees into something resembling a ground up paste of grit and butter.

There’s been many, many adaptations of ‘Hunchback’, with Disney buffing it up into a pointless sheen, leaving out of the fat-tongued fun of shouting “ETHMUHRELDUUUR!”

Anyway, Tim Burton is probably chuckling to himself while sat in a darkened room, pretending that he lives in Victorian Britain while Josh Brolin is… well… he was that Brandon kid in Goonies. Whatever.

Either way, this film is probably going to be a fat load of gash which Tim Burton die-hards will lap-up. Well you would wouldn’t you? Goths haven’t had much to do since their music scene died in the mid ’80s.

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Katie Holmes may well have finally escaped from the clutches of Tom Cruise, if reports in some glossy yank rag are to be believed.

The Star is reporting that the Tomkat experience is over and no longer a thread to the rest of us with their weird placenta eating ways. You can’t really blame them for thinking that though, what with the recent fad for celebrity separations garnering copious column inches in the run up to Christmas.

When you think about it, that’s just plain depressing.

According to the front page of the Star, which is all anyone can really stomach reading, the police had to be called after Holmes had some sort of nuclear apocalypse style meltdown and that she’s now resting up at home with Mummy and Daddy Holmes. But not just any Daddy Holmes, no, DIVORCE LAWYER DADDY HOLMES, who sounds like a third rate WWE wrestler from the mid-90s.

Naturally Holmes and Cruise’s people are denying the rumours, saying that the report is a work of pure fiction and that the couple are just living separate lives.

However, as all good conspiracy theorists will tell you, the media is crawling with Scientologists trying to prevent you from learning the truth.

In fact, most of the hecklerspray team is comprised of Scientologists and Lizard People, attempting to distract you while our brethren slowly take over the world by making atrocious films and discrediting David Icke.

It is probably worth pointing out that the Star has run this accusation of the Tomkat phenomenon blowing up around us alongside stories of Johnny Depp flirting with 19 year olds and Ashton Kutcher getting caught up in a murder scandal.

So it is quite clearly a load of bollocks, unless the Star happens to have some of the best journalists in the world who have all managed to unearth groundbreaking stories on the same week. But really, how likely is that?

No, it looks like Katie Holmes is still shackled to her husband and his midichlorians, thetans and STD sound-a-like life forces, all the time staring at that e-meter in the corner, wondering if it truly captures the extent of her feelings.

What would Xenu do?

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Orlando Bloom hasn’t been in the movies all that much recently, has he? Don’t get me wrong, I’m not complaining:  his movies are almost uniformly dreadful, and anyone even thinking of casting him as an action hero again should be drowned in sewage at gunpoint alongside whoever cast the misguided union of a cheesestring and a sundial as the lead in Predators. But it does make you wonder if Hollywood has seen sense and started not hiring people because they have the screen presence of a slowly putrefying lump of brie.

No, of course not, the cast of Twilight can even find employment in movies outside of their main franchise, and they could easily be replaced by a series of crudely drawn cartoons depicting a horse looking sadly at a bucket full of urine soaked hay. So it can’t be that.

It turns out he is taking the route of anyone who’s been unemployed for so long that drugs, alcohol and repeats of Top Gear on Dave have lost their pall. He’s got someone up the duff.

It’s a known fact that Orlando Bloom can only be successful in multiples of three. Specifically, multiples of three he plays some kind of sexless, wimpy girl.  Obviously, to continue the same success rate, he’ll need to impregnate his wife two more times, or possibly splice his progeny’s genes to create a couple of identical clones

We won’t know the outcome of that until after his wife gives birth, and possibly after human cloning techniques have advanced enough to make a viable foetus. Until then Starpulse closes its eyes and hums us the news:

Father-to-be Orlando Bloom won’t slow down his career after he welcomes his first child – he’s making plans to balance filming schedules with parenthood.  The “Pirates of the Caribbean” star is preparing to welcome a baby with Australian supermodel Miranda Kerr after exchanging vows in a secret ceremony last month.  Bloom is currently in Munich, Germany, to begin filming “The Three Musketeers” – and he insists he’ll be busy juggling his movie schedule with family life.

See what I told you about him having a fetish for things that come in threes? Three Musketeers. I’ll bet me makes his wife stand in a hall of mirrors whenever they’re together, and he always poos in three lumps. If he needs to go again he just waits, otherwise it won’t be ‘successful’ and he’ll have to be consoled by Johnny Depp coming round and mincing about until Bloom dries his eyes and claps like a child. That almost certainly happens.

Anyway, Bloom is said to be happy, but given that his face seems unable to recreate any recognisable human emotion , it could just be that he is hungry, distraught over the loss of a favourite cushion, disaffected by the increasing isolation of the digital world and therefore worried about helping his new child find a place for themselves in a world that he no longer understands and can barely interact with, or just gassy. I’m sure he’s thrilled though. Him and his remaining fan.

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Who’s the most dangerous celebrity? Which fiend of myth wields the most power?

Cheryl Cole/Tweedy/Whatever? She’s only beaten up one toilet attendant, and that’s nothing for a Northern Girl, Cheryl Weedy more like. Russell Crowe? Well, there’s his terrible band with the terrible name and he can throw a mean phone, but that’s nothing new. Just ask Naomi Campbell.

No, it’s none of these monsters of legend – it’s Oprah. Oprah has just won the title of ‘officially the most powerful celebrity it the world’. And she won it with an elbow takedown in the fifth round, apparently.

Songs will be written about her, and her legend will live down the ages in poetry and music.  According to legend, she has hands of pure stone with which to smash your stupid face, her thighs are made of the finest brass that resound with a mighty bass ringing when she walks, her nose opens and fires out heat-seeking missiles (as did Michael Jackson’s, he just filled it with a sleeping-gas delivery system and ended up overusing it. Now you know). Frankly, Oprah could probably kill you with just her hair.

Just think, this time last year we were living under the yoke of Angelina Jolie and her multi-ethnic army of children, idyllic times. However, it seems as though the house of Jolie has waned with the lack of fresh orphan blood, and the house of Oprah has risen like a lardy hawk and she has waged much war to take the jewelled crown in what was undoubtedly an awe-inspiring and bloody conflict. The BBC reports from the battlefield:

US TV host Oprah Winfrey has been named the most powerful celebrity in the world by Forbes magazine. Winfrey knocked film star Angelina Jolie off the top spot of Forbes’s annual Celebrity 100 list, which is based on earnings and media exposure.

Oh, so it’s just some poxy back-slapping exercise where net worth is considered in terms of how much you can bang on about your weight-gain on your network chat show, and not about the ease at which you could crush a solid ice sculpture of a lighthouse in your mighty fist? Well, that’s much less exciting.

You know what they should do? Stick ‘em all on a remote island and let them scrap it out, Battle Royale style. I mean just look at the Top Ten, surely Oprah wouldn’t stand a chance? Let’s run down:

10. Madonna – Well, she is quite wirey, but one good punch would probably split her parchmenty, aged skin. Oprah’s got the stones to take that. Lose.

9. Johnny Depp – He’s basically a very effeminate girl. Lose.

8. Sandra Bullock – Good for bluffing her attacks, what with her not being about to move her skin about at all, but then again there’s probably a loss of motor function that comes with that. Lose.

7. U2 – it’s four on one, but Bono will probably sack off the fight to fight climate change in his private jet or something, and no one is really sure the other three actually exist and aren’t just holographic leftovers from the Zoo TV tour. Lose.

6. Britney – Where do you start? Lose.

5. Tiger Woods – Not unless he knobbed her to death (which is quite possible, granted). Lose.

4. Lada Gaga – Are you kidding? She can’t even stand upright. Lose.

3. James Cameron – Frail, elderly man who looks like a creepy lesbian aunt? Oprah literally eats people like that for breakfast. Lose.

2. Beyonce – Apart from the arse, a light snack for the beast that it Oprah. Lose.

Huh, looks like Oprah is the most powerful celebrity in the world, well done Forbes. Let’s hope the reign is a benevolent one. All hail Oprah!

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No wonder people are flocking to see Alice In Wonderland – where else would they get to see the dream team of Tim Burton, Helena Bonham Carter and Johnny Depp?

Oh, that’s right. Everywhere else. Anyway, why has Alice In Wonderland topped the weekend box office? Early reviews have largely been negative, citing a lazily-defined plot and an over-reliance on computer animated 3D graphics as its main weaknesses, so maybe the reason why it’s done so well is because people keep confusing it with Avatar.

Or maybe it’s top of the weekend box office because everyone thought they were really seeing a film called Alice In Sunderland, and then became disappointed when they were presented with a fantastical fairy tale instead of a grim melodrama about a dirt-covered northerner shuffling around a bleak industrial town eating dead animals off the road for sustenance.

It’s a big weekend for movies. Thanks to yesterday’s Oscars, we now know what the best film of the last year was, and – more importantly – we also know what Meryl Streep looks like in a nice dress. And thanks to the US weekend box office, we know that people quite like Alice In Wonderland. Or at least they liked the look of Alice In Wonderland enough to pay to see it, and then didn’t hate it enough to torch their cinemas to the ground midway through act two. That’s roughly the same thing, isn’t it?

Here’s the US weekend box office top five…

1 - Alice In Wonderland (Tim Burton loves the UK enough to adapt Charlie And The Chocolate Factory, Sweeney Todd and now Alice In Wonderland into movies. Next up: a breathtaking reimagining of 1987 Rumpole Of The Bailey episode Rumpole And The Judge’s Elbow, starring Johnny Depp as Rumpole and Helena Bonham Carter as the judge’s elbow) $116,300,000

2 - Brooklyn’s Finest (A Tesco-style experiment. Brookyln’s Finest is the first film to be released, directed by the brain behind Training Day and starring the likes of Ethan Hawke and Richard Gere, and tickets to see it are relatively expensive. Next week it’ll release Brooklyn’s Value – a remake of Brooklyn’s Finest directed by Nick Love and starring Dean Gaffney and Paul Danan. Tickets will be 10p each) $13,500,000

3 - Shutter Island (We’ve still managed to get this far without figuring out what the big Shutter Island twist is. Unless the twist is that Leonardo DiCaprio was mad all along, in which case we may as well not bother bloody watching it now) $13,300,000

4 - Cop Out (There’s a very good chance that more people watched Bruce Willis‘s cameo in the new Gorillaz video than Bruce Willis in Cop Out this week. There’s a lesson there somewhere) $9,145,000

5 - Avatar (Almost definitely Avatar’s last week in the weekend box office. That’s unless people start spazzing out about how it did at the Oscars and go to see it again and it goes back to number one next week and our nightmare starts afresh, of course) $7,700,000

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Angelina Jolie has a bit of a reputation. Her vagina, they say, is much like a waterslide on a hot day.

Actors just can’t resist. Billy Bob Thornton couldn’t resist, even though he was engaged to Laura Dern when he fell for Angelina Jolie during the making of Sling Blade. And Brad Pitt couldn’t resist, even though he was married to Jennifer Aniston when he fell for Angelina Jolie during the making of Mr & Mrs Smith. And now Angelina Jolie is about to make a film with Johnny Depp. And Johnny Depp’s girlfriend, it’s fair to say, is absolutely bricking herself.

So much so that she’s reportedly ordered Johnny Depp to leave the film. We can’t help feeling that she’s worrying about nothing, though. Angelina Jolie is a changed woman these days – she won’t have sex with Johnny Depp. She might adopt him, but she won’t have sex with him.

The Tourist – the upcoming Angelina Jolie/ Johnny Depp double-header – seems woefully miscast to us. It’s a thriller about an Interpol agent who sleeps with a tourist to flush out the criminal she’s in pursuit of. And it stars Angelina Jolie and Johnny Depp. It just doesn’t make any sense. It’s not a thriller about an Interpol agent who has either a) witnessed a real-life atrocity so moving that she’ll be nominated for an Oscar or b) enjoys strolling around in front of slow-motion explosions wearing nothing but a skintight catsuit, and it’s not about a funny-voiced tourist in a madcap wig.

So both Angelina Jolie and Johnny Depp seem massively unsuited to The Tourist. But that’s not why Johnny Depp is apparently doing everything he can to get out of starring in it. No, Johnny Depp is apparently doing everything he can to get out of it because his girlfriend Vanessa Paradis is worried that he’ll get sucked into Angelina Jolie’s vagina and never be seen again. The New York Post reports:

Paradis “found out that there was a real long and intense love scene between [Depp] and Jolie,” a source close to the project said. “He’s currently trying to [get out of the movie], but I don’t know if he’s succeeded. But he’s trying and they’re talking about replacing him with [Jolie's partner] Brad Pitt or Leonardo DiCaprio.”

They’re both more sensible choices of co-star. If Brad Pitt was to film a love scene with Angelina Jolie, the film would undoubtedly become a hit as audiences either tried to dissect the scene to uncover hints of romantic discord or just basically masturbated until their laps ended up looking like a giant Quality Street Strawberry Cream that’d been bludgeoned with a rolling pin. And if Leonardo DiCaprio was to star, then nobody would have to worry about Angelina Jolie sleeping with him. Because, you know, he looks a bit like a great big vole, doesn’t he?

That said, part of us does hope that Johnny Depp fails in his attempt to leave The Tourist. Not because he’ll inevitably end up getting seduced by Angelina Jolie, leading to the highest-profile celebrity break-up of all time, but mainly because we just want to see what sort of silly cartoonish voice he’ll end up giving his character. We heard he’s aiming for a sort of French aardvark with a lisp, mixed with a sort of Esperanto Liberace. Sounds good.

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