Oh People magazine, you’re such terrible sluts. Don’t bother trying to hide it – we can see straight through you.

Look at how you’re treating poor Johnny Depp. According to that list you published yesterday, Johnny Depp is the sexiest man alive. But what happened the day before yesterday? That’s right, it was announced that Johnny Depp was going to earn at least $35 million from Pirates Of The Caribbean 4. Coincidence? HARDLY.

You only love Johnny Depp for his money don’t you, People magazine? Not his easygoing charm or his faultless complexion – it’s his money. We’ll never be good enough for you will we, People magazine? Even though we love you SO MUCH. Well stuff you, People magazine. Stuff you in your MOUTH.

Now we know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking “But hecklerspray, surely Johnny Depp isn’t the sexiest man alive. Surely it’s you or – at a push – Robert Pattinson. But not Johnny Depp.” And that’s where you’d be wrong. Firstly, we’ve been ruled ineligible for People’s Sexiest Man Alive title on account of our bizarre face and horrible personality. And secondly, Robert Pattinson isn’t sexy. Yes, he makes people involuntarily wet themselves, but so does diabetes and that’s not especially sexy, is it?

So no. Forget Robert Pattinson. It’s Johnny Depp who’s the sexiest man alive. People magazine said so yesterday, so it must be true. And, yes, we know that People magazine also once said that Matt Damon and Matthew McConaughey were also the sexiest men alive, but you have to forgive it for those years – it was going through a lot at work and was probably on some sort of antibiotics that impaired its judgement or something. But that’s all in the past now.

So when People magazine says that Johnny Depp is the sexiest man alive, you have to believe it. Especially when it can back up its claims with stone-cold reasoning like this:

From a sexy swashbuckler in the Pirates of the Caribbean franchise to quirkier roles like Edward Scissorhands, the 46-year-old star has had women swooning since his days as a teen detective on 21 Jump Street. Yet it’s his devotion to his family that really makes the actor so endearing. “I could sit there all day and do nothing but watch them grow,” he’s said of children. “I’m totally inspired by them.”

You see, men? What’s really sexy is being dependable and devoted to your family. And if that describes you, then deep down you’re as sexy as Johnny Depp. True, less people will want to sleep with you because you only wear tatty old clothes that are covered in baby sick and you generally don’t seem very motivated, plus you aren’t able to earn $35 million for dressing up in a silly costume and running around in a funny way, plus you’re flabby and pallid and balding whereas Johnny Depp is none of those things despite being much older than you. But aside from that, you’re just as sexy.

You’re not. You’re nowhere near as sexy as Johnny Depp. In a line-up comprised of you, Johnny Depp and a toilet that’s full of tramp sick, women would always pick you last. All women. Even your own wife. We think that’s what People magazine is getting at, anyway.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter

There is nothing worse than being sober in a room full of drunk people.

OK, so there are a few things worse – like cancer, famine and finding out your dad wants to be a woman. Anyway, the points is, drunk people in real life are soooooo annoying. Almost as annoying as people who put to many ‘o’s in ’so’ just to emphasise the point they are making.

But they are never that annoying when you are drunk. For some reason, you are immune to the annoying stuff they blather on about. See kids, drinking is good for you.

But put drunks in a movie and suddenly you start to see the joke; suddenly cease to be annoying and become quit charming and very funny.

Either this is because actors and scriptwriters suck at making people sound authentically pissed, or it’s because you know at no time of the evening are they going to seek you out to go and slobber “I love you, man” in your ear.

But which movie drunks were the best? Hecklerspray plumbs the depths. Cheers!

22. Gwen Cummings (Sandra Bullock)

From: 28 Days

21. Dong (Gedde Watanabe)

From: Sixteen Candles

Just brilliant.

20. Joe Clay (Jack Lemmon)

From: Days of Wine and Roses

Some say it’s the ‘last great film about alcoholism’, which is both wrong and a slightly odd award to win. But it is certainly up there, with Jack Lemmon in top form.

19. Alan Swann (Peter O’Toole)

From: My Favourite Year

Best line: After stumbling into the wrong restroom, a lady tells him: “This is for ladies only!”

To which Alan Swann, unzipping his fly, replies: “So is *this*, ma’am, but every now and then I have to run a little water through it.”

18. Elwood P. Dowd (Jimmy Stewart)

From: Harvey

Warning: Getting drunk can make you see huge rabbits. OK, we want what he’s drinking.

17. Coach Buttermaker (Walter Matthau)

From: Bad News Bears

Walter Matthau is perfect as the alcoholic coach of a little league team. He drinks and drives and even gives his young charges beer to get them to do his chores.

16. Gary (Anthony Michael Hall)

From: Weird Science

OK, so he is not strictly a drunk, but the scene in which he gets out his face is the best scene in the movie.

15. Captain Jack Sparrow  (Johnny Depp)

From: Pirates of the Caribbean trilogy

Johnny Depp does a very good job of impersonating the legend that is Keith Richards, a man whose body should be donated to science to help create a race of super-humans that can withstand years of alcohol and narcotic abuse.

14. Henry Chinaski (Mickey Rourke)

From: Barfly

OK, we admit, Mickey Rourke pretending to be a complete a pisshead is hardly a stretch, but it’s a good performance nevertheless.

13. Willie (Billy Bob Thornton)

From: Bad Santa

Now this is the kind of Santa we can all believe in.

12. Shooter (Dennis Hopper)

From: Hoosiers

Dennis Hopper plays himself – the town drunk who cleans up his act.

11. Don Birnam (Ray Milland)

From: The Lost Weekend

The Lost Weekend – we can all relate to that. A superb movie about the best pastime ever – getting out of your face.

10. Ted Striker (Robert Hays)

From: Airplane

His drinking problem is so serious, he can’t even get the liquid in his mouth!

9. Hancock (Will Smith)

From: Hancock

The first half of the movie, when he’s drunk, is really good. But it soon descends into a hideous hangover.

8. Miles (Paul Giamatti)

From: Sideways

A movie about getting drunk, just brilliant. Our favourite bit? The one where he is so desperate to get drunk he drinks the spit bucket.

7. Arthur (Dudley Moore)

From: Arthur

Dudley Moore’s second best performance – behind Santa Claus: The Movie

6. Wong Fei-hung (Jackie Chan)

From: The Legend of Drunken Master

Jackie Chan’s finest hour – and a bit.

5. Ben Sanderson (Nicolas Cage)

From: Leaving Las Vegas

Nic Cage proves he can actually act in a movie about going to Vegas to die or something. Wish he would drink himself to death.

4. Doc Holiday (Val Kilmer)

From: Tombstone

Brilliant movie, but Val Kilmer – once again stretching his pretending credentials by playing a pissed-up gunslinger –is the star of the show. His best bit: “I have two guns, one for each of ya,” while seeing double.

3. Withnail (Richard E Grant)

From: Withnail & I

Teetotaller Richard E Grant justifies his existence on this planet by giving one of the finest comedic performances of all time.

2. Frank The Tank (Will Ferrell)

From: Old School

The naked street run – it will forever live long in the memory.

1. Bluto (John Belushi)

From: National Lampoon’s Animal House

A true legend.

You! Follow hecklerspray on Twitter!

Predictably, Bale plays the FBI agent sent to hunt the Depp down, armed only with a jaunty hat and a ridiculous voice. And if the trailer is anything to go by, it should be good, but, fingers crossed, it won’t be the last time they work together.

Still, imagine if they had called it Pubic Enemies?

Stinking bags of bumheap like Hancock. Anything. And because of this – plus the way that Will Smith will promote his films by going on every single TV show and laughing so loudly and over-sincerely that he seems like an escaped murderer – that Forbes has called Will Smith the world’s most bankable star.

So congratulations to Will Smith. And equal congratulations Tatyana Ali from Fresh Prince Of Bel Air, who has been name as the 1,268th most bankable star. Keep living the dream Tatyana!

If you want to get a movie made in Hollywood, you need to get a star attached. And, by and large, the bigger star you get the more money you’ll make. And at the moment, if you want your movie to make more money than anything else, you need Will Smith.

Will Smith has it all – charm, charisma, drive, adequate rapping skills, suspiciously close links to the Church Of Scientology – and that’s why audiences love him. And because of this, Forbes magazine has just named Will Smith as the most banakable star in the world. How did Forbes get to this conclusion? Let’s ask it, shall we:

When ranking each actor, voters were asked to consider a number of elements regarding the actor’s participation in a film as they applied in the market at the time of the survey. Criteria used were: The amount of financing that flows to a project is significantly determined by the individual actor’s presence in a film.The individual actor’s presence in a film guarantees theatrical distribution. The individual actor’s presence significantly drives the film’s theatrical box-office performance…

This goes on, by the way. And on. We didn’t scroll to the end, but we think it might literally go on forever. Anyway, it’s just a fancy-schmancy way to say that Will Smith is powerful enough to get any movie he wants made, whether it’s an edgy superhero movie like Hancock, a thoughtfully conceptual drama like Seven Pounds or the worst idea in the entire history of mankind like the forthcoming Old Boy remake.

However, just because you can get a film made doesn’t necessarily mean that people will go and watch it. Other than Will Smith, the top five most bankable stars are Johnny Depp, Brad Pitt, Angelina Jolie and Leonardo DiCaprio - who, between them, have recently made box office deadweights like The Changeling, The Assassination Of Jesse James By The Coward Robert Ford and Body Of Lies.

So, without wanting to play down Will Smith’s achievements here, it does seem that as soon as an actor gets a sniff off success, they suddenly seem to think that they can change the world by making movies about Serious Issues. It’s true with Will Smith, it’s true with Leonardo DiCaprio and – as soon as next year’s Paul Blart Saves Darfur movie is released – it’ll be true with Kevin James.

You! Follow hecklerspray on Twitter!

We’ve made a terrible mistake.

But now there’s another reason that’s equally uplifting – not only will Orlando Bloom not foul up Pirates Of The Caribbean 4, but nor will Zac Efron from High School Musical. Contrary to rumours suggesting that Zac Efron had signed on to play Johnny Depp’s son in the fourth Pirates Of The Caribbean movie, it’s been revealed that no such deal has been made.

Yet. Despite the denial, Zac Efron isn’t hiding his enthusiasm for a role in Pirates Of The Caribbean 4. But if he does eventually get the job, producers will have to find a clever way to explain his presence in the movie. We suggest a flashback to Captain Jack Sparrow having it off with a charisma-free injection-moulded shop dummy and somehow getting it pregnant. Nobody could argue with logic like that.

For a movie that hasn’t even started to be made yet, we seem to know an awful lot about Pirates Of The Caribbean 4 so far. For instance, Johnny Depp has been paid all the money in the universe to reprise his role as Captain Jack Sparrow in Pirates Of The Caribbean 4, there’s a fighting chance that Tim Burton will be the director and, if the pattern of the last three movies holds, the whole thing will be 15 hours long and so confusing that blood will start squirting from one of your ears about half an hour in.

In addition to all that, one persistent rumour is that Pirates Of The Caribbean 4 will feature more of Jack Sparrow’s family. Thanks to Keith Richards‘ cameo in the last movie, we know that Sparrow’s father was part grizzly driftwood and part sheep testicle, and there’s a strong chance that Russell Brand will end up playing his brother in the new film.

But there’s also a chance that Jack Sparrow’s son will make an appearance in Pirates Of The Caribbean 4, and that he’ll be played by High School Musical’s Zac Efron. You know the chap – he looks like a pre-pubescent ventriloquist’s dummy that’s been programmed by a berserk professor to never think, say or do anything even marginally controversial. He probably has a smoothed-off plastic nub where his genitals should be, too.

In a way, Zac Efron would be the perfect choice to play Johnny Depp’s son in Pirates Of The Caribbean 4 – let’s not forget that the movies are based on a theme park ride full of unrealistic herky-jerky animatronic humanoids, so he’d fit in flawlessly – but sadly it’s not to be, as MTV reports:

Speaking to MTV News, Efron was adamant that the talk of his voyaging through the Caribbean was nothing more than a rumor. “No one has talked to me about it,” the “High School Musical 3” star insisted. “I didn’t even know [about it]… Cross your fingers for me guys!”

Now that he’s expressed an interest, though, maybe Zac Efron will get offered a role in Pirates Of The Caribbean 4 after all. It’d certainly help pitch the movie at the tween generation, that’s for sure.

In fact, why stop there? Why not get other tween stars to join the cast of Pirates Of The Caribbean 4, too? Miley Cyrus would make a great love interest for Zac Efron, and we’ve already devised a scene in which, after The Black Pearl runs out of ammunition, Jamie Lynn Spears is recruited to take out ships by firing a steady procession of illegitimate babies out of her ladyparts at the enemy fleets.

Oh, didn’t we mention? Tim Burton might be directing Pirates Of The Caribbean 4. It’s just a rumour for now, but Disney is thought to want to retain Burton’s services after he’s finished with Alice In Wonderland if Pirates Of The Caribbean director Gore Verbinski gets bored of it all.

Of course, hiring Tim Burton for Pirates Of The Caribbean 4 might seem like something of a risk, but it really isn’t – after all, Pirates Of The Caribbean 3 went on for about 15 hours and couldn’t have made any less sense if it was an East European claymation film about the inside of a twig, so there’s genuinely nothing that Tim Burton could do that would bugger the series up any further.

God, but Pirates Of The Caribbean 3 was rubbish, wasn’t it? It genuinely had nothing going for it – it was overlong, over-complicated and pointlessly saddled in its own mythology. Between Johnny Depp doing his funny run for the millionth time, Keira Knightley’s continued assumption that she’s funnier than she actually is and Keith Richards‘ cameo as a terminally-ill walnut, audiences everywhere were praying that someone would take the Pirates Of The Caribbean franchise outside and put it out of its misery.

But it made money so, somewhat inevitably, there’s going to be a Pirates Of The Caribbean 4. It was always on the cards, what with Johnny Depp’s publicy-confessed kinship with Captain Jack Sparrow, but now it’s official.

Just the other week Johnny Depp signed a deal promising him more money than there actually is in the world to star in Pirates Of The Caribbean 4, and it’s all go. Except for one thing – who’ll direct Pirates Of The Carribean 4?

Chances are it’ll be Gore Verbinski, the director of the first three movies, but given that he’ll probably strangle himself to death on all the film’s ridiculous storylines within the first fortnight of pre-production, Disney has lined up an alternative in the wings – Tim Burton. Cinemablend reports:

If there is a single director who could make people excited for a fourth Pirates movie, it has to be Burton. He’s done so many amazing movie with Depp already, and might have the ability to make the new franchise as fresh and exciting as it was when the first movie came out. After all, Tim Burton is already making a movie for Disney, and if Alice in Wonderland is going well, you can see how they’d want to hang on to him.

Tim Burton might not be the obvious choice to direct Pirates Of The Caribbean 4, but it could definitely work. After all, with Charlie And The Chocolate Factory and the new Alice in Wonderland movie, Tim Burton has proved that he can make idiosyncratic family movies.

True, with Planet Of The Apes Tim Burton also proved that he could make films almost as bad as Pirates Of The Caribbean 3, but let’s try and put that out of our minds for the time being.

In fact, we’re positive that Tim Burton is going to make one of the best films of the series in Pirates Of The Caribbean 4. That’s because either Sacha Baron Cohen or Russell Brand is apparently being lined up to play Johnny Depp’s brother in the movie, and either of them would be a good foil.

But more importantly, though, Pirates Of The Caribbean 4 is going to be great because Orlando Bloom’s probably not going to be in it. With that in mind, Uwe Boll could direct Pirates Of The Caribbean 4 with his arse on a set made of runny shit and it’d still be better than any of the others.

Read more:

Scoop: Tim Burton Might Direct Pirates 4 – Cinemablend

But one thing you you don’t get is big-faced actresses in the middle of slightly humiliating personal meltdowns. Well, you do now, because Anne Hathaway has just signed up to star in Tim Burton’s new adaptation of Alice In Wonderland.

In Alice In Wonderland, Anne Hathaway will play the White Queen – a pretty young woman who looks a bit stupid because her boyfriend pretended to be chums with the Pope to con strangers out of millions of dollars and then ended up in jail because of it. We have no idea why Tim Burton wanted Anne Hathaway for the role.

Anne Hathaway needs to take her mind off everything at the moment. Sure, she might be earning some Oscar buzz for her turn in Rachel Getting Married – primarily, from what we can tell, for looking a bit sad in a movie filmed on a handheld camera where everyone mumbles a lot – but that hasn’t stopped people talking about her personal life.

It wasn’t so long ago that Anne Hathaway split up with her boyfriend Rafaello Follieri right before he was arrested for defrauding people by playing up his connections to the Vatican in a dodgy property scam. Even now, during the promotion for Rachel Getting Married, Anne Hathaway only gets asked questions about what it’s like to have a big wanker for a boyfriend.

So it’s only natural for Anne Hathaway to want to get away from all that – and she’s planning to do that by starring in Tim Burton’s new Alice in Wonderland movie – a movie that will also star Johnny Depp, Helena Bonham Carter, Johnny Depp, Helena Bonham Carter, Johnny Depp, Johnny Depp, Helena Bonham Carter and Johnny Depp. And nobody else. Probably. BBC News reports:

Anne Hathaway and Helena Bonham Carter are to star in Tim Burton’s Disney version of Alice in Wonderland, according to US media. The Hollywood Reporter says Brokeback Mountain star Hathaway will play the White Queen while Burton’s fiancee Bonham Carter will play the Red Queen. Burton’s take on Lewis Carroll’s novel is slated for release in March 2010.

It almost seems as if Anne Hathaway is deliberately trying to make as many different films as she can. She’s done kid’s films, romantic comedies, indie movies, arthouse movies, summer comedies and, in Havoc, badly-advised movies about nothing where she got to take off her top and pretend to have a wank. And now she’s doing a Gothic fantasy adaptation of a beloved novel.

Wonderful – that only leaves straight-to-DVD Steven Seagal action movies and porn on Anne Hathaway’s movie genre checklist. And we do love Steven Seagal. But what’s Alice in Wonderland actually going to be like?

Well, since Alice in Wonderland is a Tim Burton movie that stars Johnny Depp and Helena Bonham Carter, it’s probably fair to describe it as Charlie And The Chocolate Factory but without all the boring parts where people break into song for no reason. Or, if you’re feeling kinder, Sweeney Todd but without all the boring parts where people break into song for no reason. Or, if you’re feeling kinder still, The Corpse Bride but without all the boring parts where people break into song for no reason.

Unless in Alice In Wonderland people do break into song for no reason. In which case we’re all buggered.

That moral code is that it’s ok to enslave good natured American Indians if it’s for the cause of justice, and if the act of doing so helps end low-budget criminal activity in any of its usual forms. This is a lesson that was taught over and over again – first on the radio, then on television.

As Indian sidekick rental prices began to skyrocket, however, it’s a lesson that was soon forgotten. Not for long though – because if recent rumors are to be believed – George Clooney is about to revive the Lone Ranger on the big screen. Some of the brains behind the Pirates of the Caribbean franchise are apparently behind it.

If you mix The Pirates of the Caribbean franchise with the basic theme of the Lone Ranger, most people agree you’d get a film about a giant clam riding a horse everywhere pilgrims are in peril or there’s gold to be hoarded. It really sounds pretty good, actually. We’d at least pay for a matinee ticket.

The clam, of course, would be played by George Clooney – and probably well too. For the purpose of character development, Clooney the Clam would probably have to see his parents torn open by a hungry octopus at a young age. He’d then move to land, and eventually avenge evil on a pretty large scale. Millions of scripts could pour from a set-up like that – but today we’re only concerned with one.

George Clooney is very interested in portraying the Lone Ranger on the silver screen. And why shouldn’t he be? After all, Johnny Depp is already signed on as Tonto. No really, we’re not kidding. The Sun said so:

HOLLYWOOD heart-throb GEORGE CLOONEY is to play the Lone Ranger in a new movie. The Oscar-winner, 47, will appear as the masked crimefighter with fellow star JOHNNY DEPP as the legend’s trusty sidekick Tonto. An insider said last night: “George is very keen — he’s been trying to do a movie with Johnny for a long time. He thinks they’ll make the perfect on-screen partnership.” The film will be written by Ted Elliott and Terry Rossio, who also scripted the three hit Pirates Of The Caribbean films starring Depp, 45.

Now as we understand it, Depp’s not just gonna play Tonto as the gallant sidekick fearlessly riding into danger with his ol’ cowboy chum. No – they’re gonna stick to the more aquatic theme we mentioned earlier. Tonto with be the ghost of an Indian boy who drown under a pile of sunken maize.

If Depp plays this right it could give us valuable insight into the usually hidden aspects of American Indian culture.

We’re all pretty excited.

That’s a stone cold fact. You heard it here first. Why are we so sure that Johnny Depp will play The Riddler in Batman 3? Because Johnny Depp recently briefly mumbled something desperately ambiguous about it possibly being quite fun to maybe play The Riddler during a local radio interview with his band.

See? That’s means Johnny Depp is definitely going to be The Riddler in Batman 3, which is why we’ve already started to manufacture a set of Johnny Depp Batman 3 Riddler action figures. OK, admittedly we just got a load of unsold Pirates Of The Caribbean action figures and Tippexed question marks onto their backs but – face it – that’s probably what he’ll be like in the film anyway.

We know this is a bit premature, but we’re absolutely confident that Batman 3 is going to be the best film ever made. Seriously, ever.

Look at how Dark Knight ended, with Batman living in fear as a supposed criminal vigilante. Batman 3 is going to have the same feeling of doomy paranoia and creeping dread, but it’ll also have Cher titting around in a rubber doily too. There’s something for everyone there, provided that you’re a manic depressive comicbook fan or a stereotypical homosexual.

But what if you want more from The Dark Knight’s sequel than a fed-up Batman and a terrifyingly expressionless pensionable Catwoman who keeps getting her old lady minge out? What if, for instance, you want to see The Riddler in Batman 3?

Well, frankly, if that’s the case you’re an idiot. The Riddler is rubbish. He’s basically The Joker but with a green hat and a thing for Sudoku. He’s Henry Kelly from Going For Gold with a bee in his bonnet. He’s rubbish. Don’t argue, we’re right. He’s rubbish.

But none of that fierce logic is washing with Christopher Nolan. It’s long been rumoured that he’d like to cast Johnny Depp as The Riddler in Batman 3. So far Johnny Depp has kept quiet over the reports, but during a local radio interview recently, he decided to share his thoughts on the matter:

Host: Hey Johnny, a listener called in earlier said you have to ask about the rumors on the internet of you doing the Riddler.
Depp: Oh yeah, I heard about that. Not that I know of.
Host: You’d be a good choice.
Depp: It seems like it’d be a fun gig for a while, yeah.

“It seems like it’d be a fun gig for a while, yeah.” If that’s not official confirmation of the casting, we don’t know what is. But you know what this means?

It’s obvious. Cher as Catwoman and Sweeney Todd’s Johnny Depp as The Riddler? Batman 3 is going to be a musical!

That’s excellent news, and we’d like to take this opportunity to offer Christopher Nolan our specially-composed pieces I’m Just A Lonely Millionaire With A Creepy Bat Fixation, Butla Rapp and Don’t Kiss Me Catwoman (You Have A Moustache Like My Gran). Don’t be stealing our ideas, Nolan.

Get Your Dark Knight and Batman Movie Merchandise at SuperheroStuff.com

ADVERT

But now it looks like we can add a third thing to the list of things Johnny Depp excels at – actually saving people's lives from certain death. It's been reported that Johnny Depp saved the lives of six extras on the set of his new movie recently by diving at them, pushing them clear of an out-of-control stunt car heading in their direction.

Which, if true, is actually quite nice. Brave even. Which is hardly very helpful for those of us who have to be rude about famous people for a living. Johnny Depp, eh? What a titting bastard.

Right now Johnny Depp is filming Public Enemies, a movie about 1930s American gangsters and the birth of the FBI. And – in news which will come as a shock to Johnny Depp's many Pirates Of The Caribbean fans – it looks as if there won't be any furious mugging on his part to make up for the fact that it's three hours long, contains no story whatsoever and co-stars a young British man who's about as charismatic as soggy dust.

But what Public Enemies will contain is six extras, all with fully-working limbs and sets of ribs that haven't been shattered into splinters by speeding period cars. And we've got Johnny Depp to thank for that.

According to reports from the set of Public Enemies, Johnny Depp saved the lives of the aforementioned extras by flinging himself at them as a runaway car sped towards them. You know, like a superhero would. eFluxMedia reports:

The 44-year-old actor was shooting a scene as bank robber John Dillinger when a stunt-driver in a 1933 Ford car sped onto a patch of ice and lost control of the vehicle. The car skidded towards the group of extras, who were standing with their backs turned and were oblivious to the imminent danger. Depp noticed the accident that was about to happen and acted. An eyewitness told News of the World: “Johnny slammed into the group with arms outspread, shoving them all back.” 

That's one for the DVD extras, then. If this report is true – and not a hopelessly-inflated publicist-informed exaggeration designed to draw attention to the movie, then Johnny Depp should truly be congratulated. He's good at writing his own name and risking his life to save the innocent? People can usually either only do one or the other. 

But, as honestly heartwarming as all of this is, it still leaves us in the pickle of trying to work some pithiness into affairs. The only option really left to us is to make up a lie, either about Johnny Depp slowing the stunt car down by throwing a baby under the wheels  or to make a crack about how he looks. Wait, we'll flip a coin…

God, Johnny Depp sometimes grows a really stupid-looking beard.

Yeah, that'll do.

Read more:

Johnny Depp Saves Extras' Lives – eFluxMedia 

But it's OK, because Terry Gilliam has found a way to work around Heath Ledger's death in The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus – Heath Ledger's character Tony will be fleshed out with appearances by Johnny Depp, Colin Farrell and Jude Law, who have all stepped in to remember their friend.

Not just that, but the recasting of Heath Ledger's The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus role also sheds some light on the character Heath was set to play. It looks likely that Tony will be Irish, mumbling, dressed as a pirate and a bit of an uptight dick. Or something.

Heath Ledger's death stopped several things in their tracks all at once. Foremost of these was the marketing campaign for The Dark Knight, of which Heath Ledger was set to play the biggest part. That's been solved by Warner Bros developing a hush-hush 'Look! Katie Holmes isn't in this one!' strategy that should prove more popular than ever. 

But Terry Gilliam's new film The Imaginarium Of Doctor Parnassus also took a near-fatal hit when Heath Ledger died, because Heath Ledger had already started filming his scenes when he overdosed. The death could have pushed The Imaginarium Of Doctor Parnassus onto the pile of other unfinished Terry Gilliam projects, but now everything's been saved.

According to reports, Johnny Depp, Colin Farrell and Jude Law have all signed up to play 'incarnations' of Heath Ledger's character Tony, meaning that the movie is back on track. Variety reports:

Despite the tragic death of pic's star Heath Ledger, Johnny Depp, Jude Law, and Colin Farrell have all signed on to play Ledger's character, 'Tony,' in the film. "Parnassus," which is being produced by William Vince ("Capote"), Amy Gilliam and Samuel Hadida's banner, was shooting in London when Ledger died from an accidental overdose January 22nd. Ledger's character is transported into three separate dimensions in the fantasy pic; these new worlds, which Ledger accesses via a paranormal mirror, will now be inhabitated by Depp, Law, and Farrell.

It all sounds too good to be true – there's a good chance that the film will be a success, with some people going to see it to watch Heath Ledger's last performance and others going to see it because it'll star Jack Sparrow off the funny pirate film – but we're not so sure.

This tactic still represents a massive risk for Terry Gilliam, because now he's not just making a film about a 1,000-year-old man leading a fantastical theatre troupe across several dimensions, but a film about a 1,000-year-old man leading a fantastical theatre troupe across several dimensions that's got Jude Law in it. He couldn't have made it less popular if it was called The Baby-Raping Adventures Of Captain Stab.

Read more:

Trio steps in for Ledger – Variety 

And the People's Choice Awards? Well, the People's Choice Awards are the annoying shit-thick brat of a crosseyed kid who needs to be constantly dosed up to the wazoo on Ritalin to stop him from crapping on the rug, cutting his own hair with the electric carver or flushing the dog down the toilet.

How do we know this? Because at the People's Choice Awards last night Pirates Of The Caribbean 3 won Best Film. Even though it was obviously awful.

This has been a particularly austere awards season, for all sorts of reasons. Firstly, the ongoing writers' strike has forced the cancellation of some of the bigger shows since no actor wants to be seen crossing a picket line. Not that they'd have been fun shows anyway, because the big winners so far have either been a film about an angry oilman, a film about a funny-coiffed man killing people or a dickhead dying in the snow.

But forget about what these so-called experts think about films, because they know nothing – the People's Choice Awards are where it's at. 'It' obviously being a high-profile demonstration that collectively the public is about as clever and well-informed as that kid you went to school with who ate nothing but tissue paper at lunchtime.

The People's Choice Awards took place last night in slightly different circumstances than usual. Where the awards usually consist of a whizz-bang star-studded affair where all sorts of famous people turn up and watch Johnny Depp win loads of stuff for Pirates Of The Caribbean, this year the writer's strike meant that the People's Choice Awards just consisted of Queen Latifah presenting a hastily-compiled clip-show featuring filmed acceptance speeches from the winners, with nobody around to see Johnny Depp win loads of stuff for Pirates Of The Caribbean.

This year the big winner at the People's Choice Award was Pirates Of The Caribbean 3, despite the fact that it was 15 hours long and made no sense whatsoever. Pirates Of The Caribbean 3 won Favourite Movie, Best Male Movie Star, Favourite Threequel and Best Female Action Star, with that last award probably going to Orlando Bloom or something.

But although it had the strongest showing, Pirates Of The Caribbean didn't win all the People's Choice Awards. Reese Witherspoon and Joaquin Phoenix won Best Female Movie Star and Best Leading Man respectively. Although you might assume that they won these awards for Walk The Line, that couldn't possibly be true because the movie was released three years ago. So instead we can only assume that Reese Witherspoon won her award for her performance in watched-by-nobody political thriller Rendition, while Joaquin Phoenix won his award for his slurred, near-incomprehensible performance in the painfully dull We Own The Night.

Other People's Choice Awards winners included Harry Potter And The Order Of The Phoenix (the worst-ever Harry Potter film), Shrek The Third (the worst-ever Shrek film), Drew Barrymore (star of two of 2007's worst films) and Ocean's Thirteen (the worst thing we have ever paid to experience in our entire lives).

Of course, even though the People's Choice Awards are called the People's Choice Awards, it doesn't necessarily mean that all the people get to choose the winners. We didn't, for example, and in the past we've been referred to as people at least three times. Chances are you didn't vote either. So let's all push for a retitling next year that better reflects the voters – we want to see 2009 become the Awards Chosen By The People Who Get Easily Distracted By Shiny Objects, Can't Tell If A Patio Door Is Open Or Closed Before They Try To Walk Through It And Probably Have Nonironic Mullets.

Read more:

People Still Love Pirates - E! Online

But as experienced as we are, we'll never be as flat-out incredible at autograph-signing as Johnny Depp. For the third year straight, Johnny Depp has been named as the best Hollywood signer by Autograph magazine for the way he unfailingly manages to put a pen onto some paper and spell his own name correctly without mistaking the pen for some corn on the cob and eating it or inadvertently writing 'Fabian Gottlieb von Bellingshausen' or 'Lunar Orbiter 3' instead of 'Johnny Depp'. Truly the man deserves a medal.

Although it's easy to mock celebrities who don't sign autographs – because writing your own name a few times a day must really make these people want to give up earning tens of millions of dollars every year – it must get a bit tiring to see squat little men waddling up to you with foot-thick piles of photos and being expected to sign every one, especially when every one of them swears blind that their name is Winner Of eBay Item 120129428830.

And although having a celebrity refuse to sign their autograph can be slightly annoying to the regular man on the street, it's literally the worst thing that can happen to the staff and readers of Autograph magazine. Yes, there is an Autograph magazine, and the articles are very good – especially last month's feature entitled Christian Bale Has Started Drawing A Little Heart Over The I In His Name Instead of Dotting It, The Twonk.

Anyway, to name and shame the best and worst celebrity autograph signers in Hollywood, Autograph magazine routinely holds an annual Best Hollywood Signer poll. And Johnny Depp usually wins these polls with equal routine for the way he puts his fans at ease throughout the duration of the tricky autograph-signing process. That's no different this year, because Autograph magazine has called Johnny Depp the best signer of the year. According to Autograph magazine's editor and publisher Steve Cyrkin:

"It's the third consecutive year Depp has topped the list of the 10 best signers. Whether at a premiere, in a restaurant or on location, Depp may just be the best Hollywood autograph signer of all time."

However, while the usual likes of George Clooney, Matt Damon and Jack Nicholson can also be found in the top signers list, there's more fun to be had looking at the worst signers. And the worst two autograph signers in the world today are Tobey Maguire and Will Ferrell.

Now Maguire we can understand – he's always had a slightly twatty demeanour, and we're sure he's getting sick of people asking for his autograph as a front to slap him in the face while screaming "What the hell did you do to Spider-Man 3 you arsehole?" – but Will Ferrell?

We always thought that Will Ferrell was a friendly, approachable man. Seems not, though, because Cyrkin explains:

"What's so frustrating about Will Ferrell being the worst autograph signer this past year is that he used to be so nice to fans and collectors, and a great signer. What makes him so bad is that he'll taunt people asking for his autograph."

Sounds upsetting, but let's not be hasty – for all we know Will Ferrell might just be researching for a film role about an arrogant autograph-signer who one day breaks his signing finger and then goes on a hilarious, yet redeeming, journey of recovery. You know, like he did in Anchorman. And Blades Of Glory. And Talladega Nights. And Bewitched. And Semi-Pro. So, you know, it's not unfeasible.

Read more:

Depp named top autograph signer as Ferrell bombs – Reuters