Now readers, if any of you are planning to try out this hot new ‘being gay’ thing that you’ve read about so much lately, don’t.

It’s just asking for trouble. Look at poor old Adam Lambert – just because he wanted to see what being gay was like by using his debut performance as a professional musician to try and stab a man’s eye out with his genitals and then attempt to perform a pioneering tongue-based tonsillectomy technique on male his keyboard player, ABC has banned him from a number of shows, including Jimmy Kimmel Live.

That’s right readers – if you turn gay, you won’t be allowed to sing bad Goldfrapp rip-offs to sweaty, nervous-looking fat men who aren’t very funny. That’s as bad as it gets!

There’s a sick discrimination at the heart of television when it comes to homosexuality. Look at the contrasting treatment of Meredith Baxter and Adam Lambert. Their stories are incredibly similar – Meredith Baxter came out by furtively holding a middle-aged lady’s hand on a lovely cruise, and Adam Lambert came out by skull-bonking a man during a song about graphic sadomasochism on live TV. There’s literally no difference between them whatsoever. And yet the treatment they’ve received at the hands of the media couldn’t be more different.

Meredith Baxter got a high-profile TV interview to discuss her lesbianism – but Adam Lambert? Nothing. In fact, less than nothing. ABC is actively banning him from as many of its shows as possible. It already scrubbed a scheduled Adam Lambert performance from Good Morning America, and now it looks like he’s been given the shove from Jimmy Kimmel Live and New Year’s Rockin’ Eve. What next? Will he be banned from appearing on The View? Will Adam Lambert never get to film his cameo as Richard Alpert‘s life partner on Lost?

It’s a mess, but at least GLAAD still has Adam Lambert’s back, right Los Angeles Times?

“It would appear that the kiss between Adam Lambert and his keyboardist did not factor into ABC’s decision,” said Jarrett Barrios, president of GLAAD. “ABC has a history of positive gay and transgender inclusion that includes featuring kisses between gay and lesbian couples on-air.”

That just seems silly. ABC’s fear we can understand – what if Adam Lambert appeared on Jimmy Kimmel Live swaddled in goose fat, and the sight of it instantly turned Jimmy Kimmel gay, and as a result Jimmy Kimmel got even partially naked? The three people who watch the show would never be the same again – but GLAAD siding with a broadcaster over Adam Lambert seems a little confusing.

But this is just a blip, we’re sure. All this will die down and, so long as he stays true to his principles, Adam Lambert will find a way out of this. Incidentally, Adam Lambert’s new single I Like Holding Hands With Girls (And Fishing And Bowling And Other Wholesome Boy Activities) will be released as soon as is humanly possible.

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Remember that video about Sarah Silverman having sex with Matt Damon and how you thought it was funny but sort of wished that nobody would dilute it by imitating it.

Well, consider it imitated. Imitated by Sarah Silverman's boyfriend Jimmy Kimmel. You see, if Sarah Silverman is fucking Matt Damon, then in the new video Jimmy Kimmel is fucking Ben Affleck.

And the video is hilarious, really. Because, you know, Jimmy Kimmel and Ben Affleck are both men, and if they're both having sex with each other then that means they're gay. And gay is funny these days, right? It's OK to laugh at gay people, because it shows you understand them. But don't let them touch you. Never let them actually touch you. Ugh. 

There's nothing worse than answer songs. You know the sort – like when Sporty Thieves tried to cash in on No Scrubs by TLC by releasing a song called No Pigeons, or when Bobby Vee sang Take Good Care Of My Baby and some opportunistic twit came up with I'll Take Good Care Of Your Baby to try and piggyback the trend to the bank. There has never been a good answer song, and you're allowed to punch people who disagree with you.

Actually, there is one thing worse than an answer song, and that's an answer song that's got Jimmy Kimmel in it. And the one thing that's worse than that is an answer song that's got Jimmy Kimmel in it and is full of breathtakingly outdated gay jokes. And the one thing worse than that is an answer song that's got Jimmy Kimmel in it and is full of breathtakingly inane gay jokes that seems to have been dreamed up by a cigar-chomping TV executive desperate to get a hit on YouTube because that's what kids like these days, right?

Which brings us neatly to I'm Fucking Ben Affleck by Jimmy Kimmel, an answer song to the still funny I'm Fucking Matt Damon song that Kimmel's girlfriend Sarah Silverman wrote for his birthday. Take a look…

Now you might see I'm Fucking Ben Affleck and think that it's nothing more than a pale imitation of I'm Fucking Matt Damon, but you're wrong. True, I'm Fucking Ben Affleck isn't very funny, but it does have more famous people in it, so that makes it better, right? Even if one of them is Robin Williams. Plus, I'm Fucking Ben Affleck is big on YouTube, which makes it easily as good as that Korean Hey Jude kid.

Actually, watch I'm Fucking Ben Affleck again. Remind you of anything? Unfunny, unoriginal, reliant on a string of mainly fictional homosexual stereotypes and a parade of slow-witted celebrity cameos? Well done Jimmy Kimmel, you've just made the best episode of Will & Grace we've never seen.