You know Jessica Simpson, right? She’s that blonde woman of no-fixed talent. She’s a thing that exists solely to provide erections to teenage boys, produce dribble in the arrestedly developed adults and occupy perfectly good shoes.

Well, she’s tired of being a nothing and is finding some self-worth inside her ovaries.

Yes! It’s the news we’ve all been waiting for! She is reportedly pregnant with her first child and, to celebrate, she’s eating a variety of harrowing snacks!

Somehow (we’re not sure of the ins-and-outs-and-back in-and-out-agains of it all) she’s got herself pregnant with some skid-mark called Eric Johnson who throws a ball for a living in some niche interest sport called ‘American Football’.

And the weird cravings… we need to know about those weird, weird cravings!

An insider told In Touch Weekly magazine:

“She’s already having kooky cravings, especially nacho chips dipped in chocolate, which satisfies her urge for salty and sweet. She’s also developed a taste for cheesy popcorn and non-alcoholic margaritas.”

Another insider suggests that she’s taking nachos, chocolate, cheese, popcorn AND non-alcoholic margaritas and putting them all in a blender with a tub of goose fat and drinking the whole thing down every ten minutes straight from the appliance, until she cries solid chunks of congealed food pellets.

Of course, we know she’s pregnant because she’s been seen out and about wearing loose-fitting clothing.

And that’s it.

She’s definitely pregnant though. Look into her eyes. She reeks of someone who has something growing inside her.

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The big news this week is that Jessica Simpson can read. You heard. She’s been taking classes in how to become a functioning human after she realised that her fame would be fleeting if she relied solely of her looks.

Oh, and let us not forget her singing voice. Pahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.

Sorry. Now that Jessica Simpson is a proper bookworm, she’s  gravitating to real wordy affairs like the backs of oestrogen pill packets and the front of Pepsi cans. Better yet, she’s sharing her love of words with her fiancé Eric Johnson.

The singer has said that her and her American football playing boyfriend are real lovers of words. Not only to they speak them and read them slowly, with a ruler, in children’s books, but they also like to express themselves by writing them down.

She told New York Magazine:

“I just let it flow. My fiancé taught me that. He’ll get up in the morning and just write, so nothing blocks his emotional life. It doesn’t even have to be in sentence form he just gets everything out, and that way he can function without getting in the way of himself, without being aggressive or judgmental. We do that together.”

Get that? It doesn’t even have to be in sentence form to unblock your emotions. Something that hecklerspray is an expert in.

A source we’ve made up, leaked one of these piece of beautiful sportsman prose. It reads:

“Throw kik throwinkikinaballaround WITH HELMET ON ME HEAD i am a bit sad & i dont no why is it the helmet or the runnin arond and fallin on th floor wiv the men tryin to get th ball? I HAV A GIRL IN TH HOUSE & SHE MAKES ME DO A SEX UP HER thats o.k. becuss i like th sex altho not wen i am a tired boy from the helmet & runnin game i do in th stadiums fille d up wit th shoutin peepl. thy make me sad sumtiems.”

Simpson adds that she sometimes takes a long time reading the front of Doritos packets:

“Sometimes he takes that hour just reading, we’ll get out of bed and just read aloud to each other.”

Come on. Say it along with us Eric!

Doh… ree… toes…. doh-ree-toes… DORITOS! Attaboy! What does this say Eric? Slowly. Remember? Curly ‘cuh’. That’s right! Co… co… Coca… Co… nearly Eric! Not coca cocaine! Silly sausage! Remember the drink the the red can? No! Not McEwan’s Export! Coca Cola! Are you sleepy from all this thinking?

Let’s get you to bed.

Next week! Jessica Simpson begins work on her first of three novels which she’s already been paid a million dollar advance for.

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The organisers of Hard Rock Calling, that sort of festival like thing that happens in Hyde Park every summer that isn’t the O2 Wireless festival, have decided that former Fall Out Boy bassist and pioneer of the musical equivalent of object dá, Pete Wentz, is a suitable choice for a battle of the bands judge.

Right? RIGHT?

If you’re lucky enough to have forgotten the mid noughties, here’s a crash course in all things Pete Wentz:

• He was in an emo band called Fall Out Boy who got big on the back of the success of auditory assassins My Chemical Romance.
• He had/has a stupid fringe and a fondness for guyliner.
• He was once caught doing an Ashley Cole after a fan posted a picture of his tattooed tallywhacker on the internet and…
• He’s married to Ashlee Simpson, a woman so pathetic she continues to live in the shadow of America’s answer to Kerry Katona, her older sister Jessica Simpson.

That’s right, at one point in time, Pete Wentz was related by marriage to Nick Lachey.

ROCKNFUGGINROLL!

The heats Wentz will be judging are taking place in Hard Rock Cafes all over the world, because being alternative and sticking it to the man is like totally all about being a shameless corporate whore nowadays, duh!

The budding bands that Wentz will cast his three eyes over are battling it out to see who gets to take to the stage in Hyde Park, in front of literally some people, and belt out their best Aerosmith covers as bottles of piss whip past their heads and rain pours down on them from the cold, grey London skies.

We here at hecklerspray aren’t really ones for nurturing talent, we prefer to call people names and giggle amongst ourselves, but even so we can’t honestly see what would make anyone desperate enough to have Pete Wentz, a man so incredibly annoying and pointless that even Bono thinks it’s a bit much, judge their musical ability. Unless they’re still about 12 years old and think that Wentz is OMG LIKE SO TOTALLY BUFF YEH!

Anyway, congratulations Hard Rock Calling, whatever credibility you had left after changing your name to that of an overpriced theme restaurant has just evaporated.

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To be clear, while this rumour makes Jessica Simpson look like a cat lady desperate to keep a boyfriend of six months, this story is regarding $100,000 more than any of the hecklerspray gang have. That includes our pocket money, paper rounds, and the weekly tin of beans we get paid to entertain you good folks.

Jessica became engaged to her boyfriend-since-May, Eric Johnson, on Thursday of last week. She confirmed the news on Sunday. It had been six days since ex-husband Nick Lachey proposed to his girlfriend-of-four-years, Vanessa Minnillo.

Jessica insisted the timing of her engagement was a coincidence, caused by nothing more than withholding sex until she got her own way (we’re guessing that last bit). Either that, or engagement was just an option that didn’t require stretch trousers and dirty nappies; moreover, there’s no ‘Take backsies!’ on a baby, and no one gives you jewellery.

It is being reported that Jessica’s boyfriend isn’t the greatest catch; he’s basically unemployed and broke. He used to be an NFL player, but he’s supposedly broke from his September divorce.

Oh, he was still technically married for the bulk of their relationship-to-date. We forgot to mention that bit, didn’t we?

Our bad.

Since Eric doesn’t have anything except two actual beans to rub together, Jessica has had to buy her own ring. She’s being made fun of for this fact, a lot, today. It’s a bit of a Britney Spears/ Kevin Federline mis-matched wealth thing, where the guy’s screwed no matter what he does.

He probably couldn’t afford the $100,000 Neil Lane yellow gold, diamond and ruby ring. As such, it’s being speculated that part of Jessica settling for this dude means paying for everything herself.

From Pop Eater:

“No way could Eric, who doesn’t have a job at the moment, afford to purchase such an expensive ring,” a friend of Jessica’s tells [Pop Eater]. “Yes, he made a little bit of money in the NFL and is from a wealthy family, but unless his parents helped him out, Jessica must have paid for it herself.”

This was a guest post by Amy Grindhouse, so hooray for that.

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Do you know who Jessica Simpson is? There’s a chance you’ve had a guilty orgasm over her with your palm after seeing her in one of her revealing outfits. Just because you puked on yourself during your onanistic bout doesn’t get you off the hook. You’re still a weirdo for jacking off over someone who has a peculiarly wide face.

Anyway, Simpson is getting married again, which must be thrilling news for you… if you’re a maker of wedding cakes to the celebrity world.

And thank the stars that John Mayer isn’t on Twitter any more, or we’d have to include all his dribblings and abuse directed toward his ex-wife in a barely humorous story.

So yeah, Jessica Simpson, is now engaged to former NFL player Eric Johnson. If you live in Britain, it’s almost a certainty that you’ve never heard of this man. Americans, imagine us telling you that Cheryl Cole was getting married to Zat Knight. You’d be absolutely nonplussed, right?

Anyway, Simpson is getting married to this no-mark, which is perfectly timed as Jessica’s ex, Nick Lachey, just so happened to get engaged to Vanessa Minnillo.

A whole cavalcade of names that mean nothing to everyone! How marvellous!

Jessica Simpson is now sporting a ruby, diamond and gold engagement ring from jeweller to the stars Neil Lane, someone else you will have never heard of, and will show it off when she performs for some Thanksgiving thing in New York which again, no-one will watch.

We can only hope that she conducts this whole sorry affair via a television programme, just like she did with the doomed relationship she displayed in MTV reality show ‘Newlyweds’. That’d be good wouldn’t it? We could all look for the cracks in her psyche before she even gets a chance to spot them.

The bride-to-be’s father, Joe Simpson, posted his good wishes on Twitter.

“So very happy for Jess and Eric. May they have a lifetime of joy and happiness.”

You can assume he posted his real thoughts on the whole thing in a direct message to someone.

And Jessica loves this new bloke, who she’s only been seeing for 7 months, because he’s…

“just normal, thank God. He’s very, very supportive.”

Ladies and Gentlefolk! Welcome to the most irrelevant wedding of the year! Jesus… you might as well tell us about some wedding you went to over the weekend which involved no-one famous as well.

Did you have a dance to Come On Eileen? Did you see someone puking up wedding cake out of their nose? Why don’t you tell us in the comments.

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Christmas is rubbish. It’s a day that smells of farts which you are unable to muster up the effort to waft them away… heavy lidded and as full as a fat lady’s shoe. The TV is consistently awful with round-up shows, end-of-year quizzes and premiere’s of films you didn’t want to see in the first place.

Worst of all is the music, as the saccharine ballads are rolled out on TV, complete with the on-screen ticker reminding you of stranger’s unrelenting loneliness and palpable misery.

And this year will be worse than most as Jessica Simpson has revealed that she will release a Christmas album this year.

Yep. Jessica Simpson, a thing to occupy the space in a bra and sometime singer, who recently fronted VH1′s series The Price Of Beauty, has revealed this crushing news via her Twitter page after her friend created a “winter wonderland” office for her.

I wonder if it’s a room full of stray dogs, dying homeless people and a stiff, bitter breeze clanging soaps-on-ropes together? Probably not.

She wrote:

“I’m making another Christmas record!!!!!!!!! My BF @mcstephyblanche just made my office a winter wonderland! I’m SO inspired!”

Simpson’s last Christmas LP was 2004′s Rejoice: The Christmas Album. This time ’round, we can only cross our fingers and hope she’s going for something incredibly gloomy. Here’s a suggested tracklisting.

1. Christmas Day Reminds Me Of Crying

2. Each Lost Mitten Serves As A Painful Reminder Of A Child With A Freezing Hand

3. You’re In Debt This Christmas (Just For Me)

4. Disappointed With What I’m About To Receive

5. It’ll Be Lonely This Christmas (Feat. the puppet used by Mud on TOTP)

6. Pensioner Dies After Slipping In Snow

7. The Day The Turkey Bled

8. Double Taxi Fares On Christmas Eve

9. Let’s Not Mention Our Lonely Uncle (On This Special Day)

10. New Year’s Massacre

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As normal humans, we often find ourselves waking up in a cold sweat worrying about Jessica Simpson’s love life.

Is she single? Is she happy? Do the answers to either of those two questions in any way indicate the onset of more binge-eating? Because then she’d have to get thin again and make another one of those terrible TV shows about how awful it is to occasionally be slightly fatter than normal, and that’d just be unbearable. So a happy Jessica Simpson equals a happy us.

The good news, then, is that Jessica Simpson has got a new boyfriend who used to play football just like her old boyfriend did. But is she happy? Hard to say. She is still Jessica Simpson, after all.

Jessica Simpson will never be single for very long. It doesn’t matter what she does. She could be photographed burning a sackful of puppies tomorrow. She could be arrested for murdering the queen. As it is she barely brushes her teeth. But none of it matters. Jessica Simpson will always find a boyfriend because John Mayer said that she’s ‘sexual napalm’.

And her new boyfriend, who absolutely loves Jessica for her intellect and charm and definitely not because a girly-voiced singer told a porno mag how awesome she was at having sex, is former American footballer Eric Johnson, who no doubt spends his free time regaling his friends with stories about her kindness and honesty and definitely not any graphic descriptions of all the mind-bendingly perverse things she gets up to in the sack. E! Online reports:

The singer and Price of Beauty star has reportedly been dating former San Francisco 49ers tight end Eric Johnson since May, according to People. “She is happy that she found a great guy,” a source told the mag. “She’s really happy”.

Of course, it’s Billy Corgan who we feel most sorry for. This union between Jessica Simpson and Eric Johnson means that his time banging tanned, blonde, big-boobed sex maniacs is now a thing of the past. It’s back to banging the sort of miserable, long-sleeved, panda-eyed, listless emo crybabies who traditionally don’t find his gnarled appearance nightmarish and repulsive from now on. Let’s hope he remembers not to stray too far from home again.

But still, we hope that Eric Johnson makes Jessica Simpson very happy. And keeps her very thin. Seriously, her TV show was awful.

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Oh, now we get it. Now we understand why John Mayer called Jessica Simpson ‘sexual napalm’ recently.

It all makes so much sense. The reason why John Mayer described Jessica Simpson as ‘sexual napalm’ is because her breath smells like a mixture of petrol and burnt flesh. It has to, because Jessica Simpson has just revealed that she only brushes her teeth about three times a week. But it’s OK, because she’ll wipe her teeth with a shirt whenever they get a bit dirty. She’s not a monster or anything.

We’re not making a word of this up, by the way. Jessica Simpson told Ellen DeGeneres, in front of an audience, while she was being filmed by a number of television cameras, that she only brushes her teeth three times a week. If this isn’t an aggressive move on Jessica Simpson’s part to render us obsolete, we don’t know what is.

Remember all those rumours that Jessica Simpson had found love with Billy Corgan? Remember wondering what bonded a statuesque yet famously vacant blonde booby machine like her to a bald, almost-transparent, whining Nosferatu wannabe like him? Well now we know. It’s what we assume is a hideous dental regime.

Corgan’s teeth we know about. They look like little stumpy fangs. They look like he flosses with old ship rope, uses acid as a mouthwash and smashes a breezeblock into his face whenever he loses his toothbrush. But that’s OK because he’s Billy Corgan. His fans want him to look a bit like a sex pest who lives on a traffic island. But we expected better of Jessica Simpson.

But no. Because Jessica Simpson apparently only brushes her teeth three times a week. Honestly. Here’s what she told Ellen DeGeneres, as UsMagazine reports:

The singer, 29, admits in an episode of The Ellen DeGeneres Show that she only brushes her teeth “maybe three times a week.” Why? “Because my teeth are so white and I don’t like them to feel too slippery but I do use Listerine and I do floss everyday,” she explains. “But I don’t brush them every day. I need a little coating….” Instead, she’ll “use a shirt or something” to scrub her chompers clean.

See? There’s a perfectly reasonable explanation for it! Her teeth are too slippery! At least that’s better than the excuse we were expecting, which was that she keeps forgetting what her dental equipment looks like and that brushing your teeth with a toilet brush covered in tomato puree gets old after about the first 40 or 50 times.

But still, it’s nice to see the trend developing. First she appears in a magazine without any make-up on, then she stops brushing her teeth. Next thing we know Jessica Simpson will go out in public with dirty great fistfuls of pubic hair poking out of her hotpants, and then she’ll grow her monobrow back in, and then she’ll stop washing her face until it becomes covered with unsightly boils that erupt and trickle pus into her mouth without a moment’s warning.

And we still won’t notice because she’s got quite big boobs. The world’s funny like that.

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Boy oh boy! Kim Kardashian has posed naked and unretouched for Harper’s Bazaar magazine! Kim Kardashian naked?

Oh boy! We literally have no idea what that would look like! Particularly because Kim Kardashian has never appeared naked and untouched ever before in any medium ever! If only Kim Kardashian had previously appeared naked and untouched, perhaps in a homemade sex tape where she gets graphically violated again and again by a man who’s got a tongue that flaps around like an unattended fire hose, completely naked, on camera, where the entire internet can watch it whenever it wants to, we’d have some sort of reference point for a news story of this staggering magnitude.

But sadly, because that never happened, we’re completely at a loss about how to tell you that Kim Kardashian has taken all of clothes off. Sorry readers.

Kim Kardashian may not be talented in the traditional sense, but she doesn’t need to be. That’s because Kim Kardashian has youthful good looks – and science has proven that youthful good looks last forever. Even though she can’t sing or dance or act or excel in any kind of ability that you usually need to become famous, Kim Kardashian will always keep people interested in her with her physical appearance. The trick is not to show it all off at once by, for example, filming herself getting bonked from behind by a serpent-tongued narcissist and then uploading it onto the internet.

Whoops.

Still, even though everyone with an internet connection has seen so much of her bare flesh that they could draw a gynaecologically-accurate pencil sketch of her genitals from memory, Kim Kardashian has nevertheless decided to strip off yet again, this time for Harper’s Bazaar. EW reports:

These nude Harper’s shots of Kardashian, Parenthood’s Joy Bryant, and British actress-photographer Amanda de Cadenet are being touted as “unretouched.” If you remember, Jessica Simpson did a makeup- and retouch-free Marie Claire spread, which hit the Internet last week. So do we have a retouch-free trend on our hands?

Yeah, brilliant, nice one Jessica Simpson. All because you decided to let someone take a photo of you without it being Photoshopped to high heaven afterwards, now everyone’s going to jump on this craze for unretouched photography. Britney Spears has already done it, and now so has Kim Kardashian. What happens from here? What if magazines stop giving Keira Knightley breasts? What if Victoria Beckham decides to go unretouched? Will we even know who she is? Well, will we?

But let’s look on the bright side here. No matter how silly this fad gets, at least we can reassure ourselves with one thing – that Kim Kardashian has decided to be photographed now rather than later, after her monobrow has grown back in.

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10 – Brett Domino covers Justin Timberlake. UNBELIEVABLE – YouTube

9 – Hey, look, it’s a giant AT-AT made of bacon. No, really – Thisisfreakingridiculous

8 - A 3D picture of the moon. It’s almost like looking at the ACTUAL 3D MOON THAT’S OUTSIDE ALL THE TIME ANYWAY. Honestly, the internet - Geekologie

7 – That disgusting no-bread KFC chicken sandwich: but what is it actually like? – Bestweekever

6 - What would Jessica Simpson look like if she hadn’t done a poo for a month? Here is a rough approximation – AmyGrindhouse

5 - Here is a 40-minute pop mix that one person seems to quite like – MyChemicalToilet

4 – Old ladies are sexier when you’re unemployed: scientific FACT! – Asylum

3 - Here is a game called Who’s More Famous? It’s quite addictive – Popsugar

2 - Doctor Who‘s costume design. You’re welcome – Clothesonfilm

1 – We won’t describe this for you, because we don’t know how to. Enjoy the nightmares you’ll have tonight, anyway…

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Jessica Simpson is so brave, isn’t she? Come on, the way she fought in all those wars? Her battle with cancer?

She’s amazing. Oh, hang on, no. We were getting Jessica Simpson mixed up with someone else – someone who fought in a bunch of wars and then successfully battled cancer. But Jessica Simpson is still incredibly brave. She’s posed for the cover of Marie Claire without any make-up on. That’s brave, right? Brave or lazy. No, no, wait – it’s definitely brave. That’s what the rest of the media is saying anyway, so who are we to argue?

So well done Jessica Simpson – thanks to you, women everyone will now feel confident enough to go outside without make-up on, so long as they’re accompanied by a world-class hairstylist, impossibly flattering lighting set-ups and a leading photographer able to salvage at least one decent shot from a three-hour shoot. You’re practically a superhero, Jessica!

Jessica Simpson isn’t exactly doing herself any favours, is she? A year ago she started getting fat, and now she’s taken all her make-up off. Next thing you know she’ll be releasing a music video where she stands at a bus stop in a market-stall shellsuit, smoking a fag, eating a day-old slice of pizza and carelessly scratching her crotch. In Croydon. Jessica Simpson is on a slippery slope, that’s for sure.

Oh, not really. In fact, that time she saw one photo of herself looking a bit porky and made the world’s biggest, most tedious deal out of it has been the making of her. If it wasn’t for that one incident then Jessica Simpson would still be a fitfully dumpy C-list country music star and failed Hollywood actress. Now, though, she’s everywoman.

Ladies, Jessica Simpson is just like you. She knows what it’s like to have the occasional fat day. She knows what it’s like to have her appearance constantly scrutinised for flaws by a sexist patriarchal society determined to objectify women and keep the sisterhood down. She knows what it’s like to have a dad who’s obsessed with her tits, although to be fair that’s slightly less relevant.

Jessica Simpson knows that women can be happy regardless of how they look. True, her immediate reaction to the fat pictures might have been to drastically lose as much weight as possible as quickly as she could, but she’s still comfortable in her own skin. And she made a reality TV show called The Price Of Beauty, too. That’s sort of proof, isn’t it?

No? Well appearing on the front cover of Marie Claire without any make-up on – which she’s just done – is definitely proof, then. Just look at how MTV describes the Jessica Simpson pictures, and remember that instead of curing disease or ending global poverty she’s just been photographed without any make-up on:

Jessica’s brave and confident look [can be seen in] four more photos of her comfortably posing in her natural surroundings. Jessica poses almost superman-like surrounded by trees, next to the caption “People think updos are so hard. But they’re not. Your hair should look tousled and undone.” We think she’s superwoman for standing up and staying true to who she is.

And we agree. In fact, we’re positive that Emily Wilding Davison would be proud of Jessica Simpson for realising that the only reason that she threw herself under that racehorse all those years ago was so that one day a skincream spokesperson with big boobs and a reality show would take her make-up off for a photo in a magazine that’s full of advertisements for make-up.

Congratulations Jessica Simpson. We only wish we were a tenth as profound as you.

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John Mayer can’t have known what sort of nightmare he’d stumble into when he called Jessica Simpson ‘sexual napalm’.

But now he knows. Now John Mayer’s going to get his arse handed to him. Worse still, he’s going to get his arse handed to him by Jessica Simpson’s new boyfriend Billy Corgan. And when you’re having your arse handed to you by a wan, squat, snaggle-toothed Count Orlok lookalike whose skin is so pale that it may as well be completely translucent, you know that you’re in trouble.

We’ve just seen the opening salvo of this simmering John Mayer vs Billy Corgan war take place, with Corgan warning Mayer that he’s destroying his own career. Hey Billy, that’s not actually a bad thing! Keep your voice down, you bald idiot!

Whatever you think of Jessica Simpson, you have to admit that she’s got her fair share of her admirers. Nick Lachey liked her enough to marry her, her own dad liked her enough to yammer on about her boobs in public like some sort of freakishly uninhibited lunatic. And then there’s John Mayer, the man who managed to interrupt a Playboy interview about the suspect racial views of his penis to describe Jessica Simpson as ‘sexual napalm’, and that he’d spend all his money on having sex with her if possible.

And now Jessica Simpson has a new man. No, that’s unfair. He’s not a man, he’s Billy Corgan, so technically Jessica Simpson has a new fang-toothed slaphead glum indie bellend with a voice like a witch in a windtunnel. And as unlikely as their love may be, Billy Corgan and Jessica Simpson are together, and Billy will defend his new love to the hilt. So long as he can do it in a cripplingly passive-aggressive way via a magazine like Rolling Stone. Which he has – look:

“He’s trying to destroy his career. Rather than take a year off or change his musical direction, some part of it is irritating his soul to the point where he’s trying to blow it up. Certainly a talented guy, but empathetically, standing on the sidelines, it’s hard to watch someone literally burn their career to the ground speaking as somebody who’s done it.”

And now that Billy Corgan has got that out of his system, everything can get back to normal. Suitably chastened, John Mayer can return to his first love of singing rubbishy songs in a girl’s voice. Jessica Simpson can shed her sexual napalm reputation and go back to being musical napalm. And, now that he’s sorted everything out, Billy Corgan can return to Jessica Simpson’s arms and have lots of really graphic, slow motion sex with lots of close-ups of his gurning face twisted into an uncomfortably large number of nightmarish orgasmic faces. So, in a way, everyone wins.

Except you, obviously. You’ve got that mental image to carry around with you all day. Sorry.

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Jessica Simpson is good at sex. Better than good. She’s amazing at sex. She is, according to John Mayer, sexual napalm.

What’s sexual napalm? The truth is, we just don’t know. We imagine it means that Jessica Simpson’s vagina can cause severe burns, and that anybody within 100 feet of Jessica Simpson when she has sex runs the risk of dying from heat stroke, dehydration, suffocation or smoke inhalation. The trail of Jessica Simpson’s sexual partners, all of whom are now withered Bombenbrandschrumpfleichen-stricken carcasses, are a testament to this.

But anyway, Jessica Simpson is good at sex. And, as she’s told Oprah Winfrey, she wishes that people would shut up about it.

These should be the happiest days of Jessica Simpson’s life. People finally know what she’s for. She may have struggled to maintain a music career, and her career as a reality TV star are long behind her, and she’s yet to make a film that isn’t so unbelievably hopeless that it’s all we can do not to fling ourselves into the path of an oncoming train as soon we so much as think about it, and she can’t even design any clothes without getting sued, but that’s OK. Now we know that Jessica Simpson’s only role in life is to be objectified as a thoughtless sex object. She should be thrilled about this.

But is she? Is she bollocks. Ever since John Mayer spent a worryingly large part of his infamous ‘racist penis’ Playboy interview describing exactly what she’s like in the sack, Jessica Simpson’s life has been turned upside down. Now nobody wants to talk about the entire TV series she’s managed to make about that day where she looked a bit fat. They only want to talk about how she can probably dislocate her pelvis and tie a knot in a metal spoon with her tongue at the same time, or whatever it is she does.

And Jessica Simpson has had enough. That’s why she’s appeared on Oprah to tell everyone how sad she was when John Mayer made his remarks. MTV reports:

When Jessica Simpson sat down with Oprah Winfrey for an episode airing Wednesday, she addressed the controversial and personal comments former flame John Mayer said about her in Playboy magazine. “I don’t want people to know how I am in bed!” Simpson told Winfrey.

Now we’re not exactly PR experts, but if Jessica Simpson is really as sick of her reputation as she says she is, she’s doing a terrible job of making it all go away. Taking the problem to a widely-watched TV show like Oprah is just going to draw even more attention to it.

Take our advice – if Jessica Simpson really wants people to stop thinking of her as sexual napalm, then she’s going to have to start having all kinds of really disappointing sex with strangers. Statistically some of her partners will try to sell their story afterwards, and it’ll only take a few ‘She accidentally elbowed me in the face’ or ‘She fell asleep halfway through’ or ‘Ouch! My perineum!’ headlines before everyone’s forgotten about the whole napalm thing. Our cheque’s in the post, Jessica.

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Jessica Simpson doesn’t know when to shut up. Last week a man called her ‘sexual napalm’ in a magazine.

That’s enough. If we were Jessica Simpson we’d disappear for a few months after being called something like that, just to let the reputation sink in a bit. Actually, no, we’d probably go the full JD Salinger, just to ensure that when we died our gravestone would read ‘Jessica Simpson. Sexual Napalm.’ We’d love to be known as ‘sexual napalm’. It’d certainly be a step up from ‘sexual dishwater’, which is where we probably stand at the moment.

But anyway, Jessica Simpson hasn’t disappeared. She’s done an interview about America’s obsession with weight instead. So rather than being ‘Jessica Simpson: Sexual Napalm’ she’s back to being ‘Jessica Simpson: The Woman Who Got Slightly Fat For A Few Days Once And Then Wouldn’t Stop Rabbiting On About It’ again. Suits us.

Jessica Simpson is a real woman. She’s got everything that real women have, like curves and a reality TV show and a string of famous boyfriends and a dad who won’t shut up about how brilliant her boobs are. If you don’t have all of those things, by the way, then you’re not a real woman. They’re the rules. Sorry.

But, like any other normal woman, Jessica Simpson occasionally has fat days. The difference is, though, when Jessica Simpson has a fat day then a) it gets picked up by the media and b) Jessica Simpson will still be carping on about it like it was the most important thing that’s ever happened to a human being in the complete history of time a full year after it happened.

You may remember, although you probably don’t, that last January Jessica Simpson performed a concert in a pair of unflattering trousers. A few magazines, perhaps insensitively, said she looked quite fat in them. And that was it. Except Jessica Simpson wasn’t done – she addressed the issue in public and then signed up to make a TV show about how people of all shapes and sizes should be proud of how they look. And then she got really skinny to make sure that people stopped saying nasty things about her. And that was it.

Except Jessica Simpson still isn’t done – she’s in this month’s Allure magazine, expressing disappointment at America’s obsession with her weight. Weight. America’s obsession with weight. Nothing to do with her weight at all. No siree. Nope. She’s fine with how she looks. Nothing to see here. People reports:

“I would not wish on my worst enemy what I went through,” of the abuse she faced from the media in the aftermath of that photo. “When I think of America, it’s very diverse, but we do have the cookie-cutter way we’re supposed to look. The 29 year-old… calls America’s obsession with weight “disgusting.” The Texan says, “My job is to be creative. And I’m not weighing in for anybody.”

Wise words indeed. Let’s hope that Jessica Simpson can cure America’s obsession with weight as soon as possible, so she can go on to cure some of America’s other important, genuinely non-specific problems – like its disgusting obsession with making fun of self-obsessed orange-skinned dullards, or its disgusting obsession with not buying Jessica Simpson albums even though she worked really hard on them and stuff. Good luck Jessica! We’re right behind you!

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The sixties were all about ‘Free love’. The seventies was the age of great movie-making and music. The eighties was epitomised by consumerism and the 1990’s had er, the Tamagotchi.

Every decade becomes synonymous with a particular movement, fashion or mood. As such, the 2010’s (or ‘Teens’ as it’s known to total idiots) will henceforth be known as the ‘Decade Where People Broke Down Or Cried A Bit On Telly’. So far, we’ve had the usually stone-faced political spin doctor Alistair Campbell wobble on Andrew Marr’s BBC show and news that Gordon Brown gets emotional during his soon-to-be-televised interview with Piers Morgan. Though surely just hearing that the PM had to meet PM would have been enough to cause hysterical weeping on a grand scale.

Kicking off the ‘Teens’ – sorry, 2010’s – Cry-O-Vision trend was of course the King of Hearts himself, Peter Andre. To celebrate the upcoming ten years of televisual tears, let’s take a look back at that and some other celebrities secreting liquid from their lacrimal glands in response to emotional stress. Why? Because THAT’S ENTERTAINMENT…!

10 – Peter Andre

You’ve got to feel sorry for Andre here really, haven’t you? Cynically railroaded into getting upset by that cyborg Kay Burley. Still, consider his situation – crying on Sky News because Dwight Yorke‘s criticising you for adopting his child, while you fight a custody battle with your ex wife, Jordan. Who is now married to a martial artist transvestite. Ah, for the simpler days of Mysterious Girl…

9 – Angelina Jolie

Angelina shows her emotional side here as she, in absolutely no way tries to positively boost her public profile.

8 – Heidi Montag

Now she’s either crying in this clip or the botox is leaking. Either way, we love her here, don’t we?

7 – Ellen DeGeneres

With the experience Ellen has in being left by dogs, you might have thought that she could deal with this latest episode of canine desertion. That was a joke about Anne Heche by the way. Tee hee hee!

6 – John Terry

No list mocking celebrities would be complete at the moment without a mention of this chap, so representing the worlds of sport and adultery – here’s John Terry!

5 – Gwyneth Paltrow

There are plenty of fawning, over-the-top Oscar speech blubfests to choose from, but Chris Martin’s missus’s 1999 Best Actress acceptance is surely the most cringe-worthy of all.

4 – The Game

After being spurned by the majority of the hip-hop community for collaboration on a protest track about police brutality, The Game broke down and cried during an interview. Which is strange because we didn’t know that The Game is a girl. That’s right, Hecklerspray is dissing you, TG. Maximum disrespect.

3 – Britney Spears

Anyone suffering from an irony intolerance should beware of this clip as Britney cries to the media about being in the media too much. We all know that the real reason that she’s crying here is that she’s upset about people making fun of internet tantrum sensation Chris Crocker after all he’s been through! ‘LEAVE CHRIS ALONE!’ She’s practically screaming here.

2 – Jessica Simpson

In a staggeringly powerful moment of self-realisation, Jessica Simpson suddenly hears her own dreadful song and voice, then remembers that she slept with the massive bell-end that is John Mayer. Boo hoo indeed!

1 – Beyonce

Quite sweet actually, this one. She’s lovely, isn’t she? If anyone has her number, can you please leave it in the comments section below please? Don’t worry about Jay-Z, he’s a girl. That’s right, Hecklerspray is dissing you too, JZ. Maxi… etc.

So there you have it. Enjoy that? Yeah you’re right, it was a little depressing.

Next week: TOP 10 Genocides!

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