Getting people to watch the remade Melrose Place must be like putting a pig in a dress and asking strangers to hump it.

How can you improve it? Short of burning it to the ground and praying that nobody remembers it even existed, you probably can’t. But, hey the Melrose Place producers are a tenacious bunch, and they’re not giving up without a fight. By which we mean they’ve sacked Ashlee Simpson. Makes sense.

At least now we won’t have to think of the show as Melrose Place: Starring Ashlee Simpson any more. It’ll be Melrose Place: Starring, Oh, You Know, That Guy. You Know The One. That Guy Who Did That Thing. And A Girl. It’s much better.

This might sound a little harsh, but we’re pleased that Ashlee Simpson has been sacked from the cast of Melrose Place. Because the thought of a Simpson girl in full-time employment freaked the crap out of us. As everyone knows, the only work that Simpson girls are able to get must come in the form of a) intermittently-released trend-chasing pop albums that could have legitimately been made by any number of other singers, b) films that nobody will watch, c) reality shows about their suspicious relationships with men and d) reality shows about how fat they sometimes are.

But a long-term role in a TV drama? Frankly the thought of that filled us with dread. But luckily normality has been restored now that Ashlee Simpson has been given the boot. The New York Post reports:

Ashlee’s character Violet was a major suspect in the murder mystery that has gripped the show so far, and producers decided once it was resolved in episode 12 “she would go on her way.” … “Because we felt that once the murder mystery was resolved, the tone of the show was going to shift into a much more fun, romantic, sexy upbeat kind of show.” said executive producer Todd Slavkin.

So let’s get this right – Ashlee Simpson basically got the sack from Melrose Place because she’s not fun or romantic or sexy or upbeat? That’s got to hurt. But never mind, Ashlee – next time someone needlessly remakes a horrible 1990s TV show, and opts for a tone that boring, serious, dreary and slightly funny to look at, we’re sure you’ll be first on the casting list.

Actually, that’s unfair. Ashlee Simpson’s entire treatment at the hands of Melrose Place has been unfair, in fact. Remember when the show started, and the only reason that anyone paid attention was because Ashlee Simpson was going to be in it? What’s Melrose Place going to use as a marketing hook now? The fact that it stars Michael Rady from The Sisterhood Of The Travelling Pants? Actually, it might. After all, it was desperate enough to use Ashlee Simpson as a marketing hook, so who knows?

Still, on the bright side at least Ashlee Simpson has more free time now. And if we were her we’d use it all trying to think of a baby name that’s worse than Bronx Mowgli. They say it can’t be done, you know.

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Well it seems Jessica Simpson has finally learned to not make her pets look so delicious all the time.

No doubt right now she’s stripping all her cats out of their hamburger outfits, she’s un-plucking all her canary’s feathers and hoping the generously applied butter-baste rinses off on it’s own, and she’s gonna stop breading her still-alive goldfish every 15 minutes.

She’s not giving all this up for no good reason though – it’s because a coyote recently swooped in, picked up her pooch, and carried it off to a ferrel-dog picnic or something.

Incidentally, all this happened right before Simpson’s eyes.

Not too long ago we all laughed along as a coyote hilariously stumbled into Paris Hilton’s backyard and ate every single dog she has ever owned. Nobody’s laughing now though. Probably because authorities now believe the coyote in question may have gone serial – it’s recently run off with Jessica Simpson’s dog.

And just to avoid any confusion – when we say ‘run off with,’ we don’t mean her puppy had a thing for motorcycle riding bad boys, and as such headed off into the sunset with one. No – we don’t mean that at all. What we’re really trying to imply here is that the tiny Simpson dog was picked up by some yellowed teeth and carried off into a doggie sized rotisserie.

Probably.

Everything we know, we learned from Twitter -  Simpson’s Twitter:

“My heart is broken because a coyote took my precious Daisy right in front of our eyes. HORROR! We are searching. Hoping. Please help!”

We know what you’re thinking – ‘If Simpson was right there then why didn’t she stop the carry-off herself? After all, the most recent reports have describe her as being beefy and muscular.’ That has a simple answer, really – that being let’s see you try to stop a rollerskating coyote with an ACME rocket strapped on. Those things are fast, you know. You’d lose an arm – no matter how beefy it was.

But we have faith that the dog will turn up again, granted it’ll probably be as a white-poofed turd in the middle of the woods, but still, at least we’ll all know what happened. And then the rains will come, and the seasons will change. Eventually the fluffy white turd will melt away into the dirt from which we’ve all come. And then perhaps a seed will sprout – growing ever upwards until one day, as the wind weaves through its branches we’ll hear the faint whisper of a bark reminding us all just how this tree came to thrive.

And that, as we once learned in a cartoon, is the oval of life.

And it’d probably make a good country album. Harvest your pain, Simpson, harvest your pain and set it to a steel guitar.

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The pop industry has a lot to answer for.

It has created a lot of monsters. Simon Cowell and Kerry Katona spring to mind immediately. But female pop stars are not all talentless bints who clutter up newspapers and snarky entertainment sites (thanks for that) with their inane chatter and their lady bits.

Some of them look nice too. In fact, some of them are incredibly sexy. Oh, and some of them can sing too – but not that many.

So, in the latest excuse to comb the internet for sexy pictures of girls, Hecklerspray has decided to gather up the sexiest ones and come up with a purely subjective running order. As always, please feel free to let us know what you think. Enjoy.

26. Ciara

Has an album called Fantasy Ride. We could not have put it better ourselves.

25. Fergie


“I have had lesbian experiences in the past. I won’t say how many men I’ve had sex with — but I am a very sexual person.” The case rests.

24. Christina Aguilera

A dirrrty, dirrrty girl.

23. Britney Spears

Everyone’s favourite nut.

22. Heidi from Sugababes

Will always be remembered as ‘the fit one from the Sugababes’.

21. Katy Perry

Do you think we are so easily won over by her releasing a song about her kissing a girl? Probably. Pathetic, isn’t it?

20. Madonna

Old vinegar tits must be glad all that hard work doesn’t go to waste. But for how long?

19. Shakira

Mad as a box of snakes, but undeniably sexy.

18. Rihanna

Even managed to make umbrellas sexy. Ella, ella…

17. Leona Lewis

The only good thing Simon Cowell has ever done.

16. Sarah Harding

The party girl of Girls Aloud has a filthy mouth and drinks like a fish. Now that is perfect.

15. Nelly Furtado

Her music stinks, but, who cares? Just turn down the sound and watch the video instead.

14. Gwen Stefani

Well, she gives us a Stefani. OK, so it was a terrible joke.

13. Lily Allen

Annoying, pathetic, talentless bitch – but you would, wouldn’t you?

12. Rachel Stevens

We were told the other day the very sexy S Club star is still producing albums. Who knew?

11. Jessica Simpson

She has her knockers, but despite being dumber than a headless ox, Jessica Simpson, errr, has great knockers.

10. Hilary Duff

There are a lot of Duff things about Hilary, but her body is not one of them.

9. Natalie Imbruglia

Neighbours was never the same after she left.

8. J-Lo

Another horrible human being, but could you resist that arse?

7. Alizee

One of the few good things to come out of France.

6. Nicole Scherzinger

The leader of The Pussycat Dolls and the girlfriend of Formula One world champion Lewis Hamilton, but don’t hold that against her.

5. Alicia Keys

So sexy we have even forgiven her for the James Bond track. Almost.

4. Christina Milian

Simply stunning.

3. Kylie

Good things come in small packages. They don’t get much finer than Kylie.

2. Cheryl Cole

Famous for beating up toilet attendants, marrying a complete tit and, most importantly, being the sexiest member of Girls Aloud. Which is no mean feat.

1. Beyonce

Possibly the sexiest thing on two legs.

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9 - And now, the first step to having sex with a virtual reality prostitute – Geekologie

8 - OLD LADIES IN BIKINIS – Interestment

7 - Freecycling: why it is quite good - Shoutingatcows

6 - Robert Pattinson continues to work his ‘magic’. On Miley Cyrus. RUN! - Popsugar

5 - How to make a Tequila Sunrise to help you through this miserable, unending week – Domesticsluttery

4 - If EastEnders did Twitter – Watchwithmothers

3 – The saddest photo of a crying elephant stuck down a hole you’ll ever say – Bestweekever

2 – Don’t worry world, Jessica Simpson wasn’t killed in a Japanese earthquake – PopEater

1 – Oh Mr Belding, how nobody attacked you to death several years ago is way, way beyond us…

Jessica Simpson

Worse still, never talk about your bizarre and rather scary sexual peccadilloes in front of his mates.

Jessica is now a single lady. A lady who has been photographed by her local gym getting her sexy back, rather than doing as even her own fans were expecting – and burying herself in mountain of sugary treats. The singer broke up with her sports star boyfriend Tony Romo on July 9, ending a two-year relationship. By all accounts, she also ended two years of crazy-ass-ness and clingy behaviour.

There are several things that are going to push even the nicest guy to the edge. Pinching his cheeks and calling him by his pet name anywhere outside of the confines of whichever room of the house is used for nooky. Being clingy, needy and not letting him have any breathing room. Oh, and the final straw that broke this celebrity camel’s back – asking your adult partner to dress as the Ken to your 29-year-old Barbie for an upcoming birthday party. A party attended by any other people with two working eyes.

A source delighted in telling American tabloid The National Enquirer about what an awful human being Jessica is – just because she is in some form of arrested development. She’s a cutie. A rich cutie at that. She’s spent nearly half of her life as a working recording artist. So, the thought occurs that no one around her is going to bite the hand that feeds them and point out her cerebral shortcomings.

For example, this weekend, the singer Twittered “Is ‘asks’ even a word? If not, sorry 4 my layziness with grammar.” Yes. Wow. But seriously, how many people do you think would have bothered twittering back to correct her. If they could Twitter her a crash helmet to make sure she wouldn’t fall and hurt herself, I’m quite sure they would have. 140 characters of encouragement and cuddles is probably all she got after that gem.

The Barbie party she twittered about on July 12th never happened. She said in a message “barbie party didn’t happen, but i turned 29 and feel like i am on top of the world yelling I LOVE GETTING OLDER”.

Yes, this is a woman who has achieved many things in life. Except a circle of people around her who will be so kind as to alert her to the flaws in her Barbie pink plans.

“Jessica, a supposedly mature 29-year-old woman, kept flitting around her Dallas Cowboys super-jock squealing like a little girl, saying, ‘It’ll be so much fun, honey. All my friends are coming, and we’ll all be dressed up like dolls. And you’ll be my ken!’” a source told American tabloid the National Enquirer.

A bit of friendly advice, from one clueless woman wondering through the world with her blinkers on to another: A man with all of his grey matter is not going to be happy about this. His friends will mock him until the end of time. Judgement Day and the Terminators will come, not even Christian Bale will be able to save us by punching them all in the face… and his mates will still be ribbing him about the time his Mrs. made him don a wig and primary-coloured basics.

“Jess totally missed what any woman with half a brain could see — Tony was rolling his eyes like he desperately wanted timeout. There was no way Tony was going to dress up like a Ken doll. He never would have lived it down. His teammates would have roasted him to death.”

This was a guest blog by the wonderful Amy Grindhouse

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Here’s a recap – Jessica Simpson and Tony Romo have split up, and Tony has banned Jessica from his house.

Pretty humiliating, huh? Still, at least that’s as bad as things can get for Jessica Simpson, right? Because, come on, it’s not as if Jessica Simpson had spent months preparing to launch a new perfume inspired by her deep love for Tony Romo, is it? And it’s not like she was going to call it anything as retrospectively stupid as Fancy Love. Only a genuine idiot would do a thing as dumb as that.

What? Why has everyone gone quiet? Oh.

We’re just going to come right out and say this – this mess over the Jessica Simpson/ Tony Romo split needs to end now. It’s been dragging on for so long that it’s actually starting to make us feel a little bit sorry for Jessica Simpson, and that won’t do. Can you imagine what it’s like to go to bed at night knowing that you’ve spent a portion of your day, however small, actually sympathising with Jessica Simpson? It’s disgusting. It makes us feel sick. And yet we can’t help it.

It’s not the fact that Jessica Simpson and Tony Romo split up – because, let’s be honest, it’s been on the cards. And it’s not because the split has been blamed on Jessica Simpson’s father – because, let’s face it, if you drew up a list of all the bad things that had ever happened to planet Earth in its entire lifetime, probably about 75% of them could be attributed in some way to Joe Simpson.

It’s not even that Tony Romo felt the need to literally put a sign on his front door saying ‘No Jessica Simpson Allowed‘ or the slightly terrifying vigour in which Jessica Simpson has embraced dieting in the wake of the split. No, it’s much worse than that.

Jessica Simpson has just launched a perfume called Fancy Love that was inspired by her love for Tony Romo. Ouch. The LA Times reports:

Here’s the latest sign that Jessica Simpson still has her mind on Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo. She unveiled a new fragrance called “Fancy Love,” which was inspired by her past love. Vince Camuto, chief executive of Camuto Group, which holds the license for Simpson’s brands, told People: “Jessica loves the feeling of being in love. She’s a romantic girl.”

That’s bad. That’s just about as bad as you can get, in fact. At least if Jessica Simpson had got a full-back tattoo reading ‘I Love Romo’, she could have covered it up or altered it to read ‘I Love Romola Garai, Specifically Her Work In Dirty Dancing: Havana Nights Which Personally I Felt Was Somewhat Underrated’.

But launching a perfume? Called Fancy Love? That was inspired by your love for Tony Romo? A fortnight after he dumped you? And banned you from his house? On the day before your 29th birthday? Which probably makes you too old to ever find meaningful love ever again? Wow.

Congratulations, Jessica Simpson – you’ve won our sympathy. And that’s why we’d like to offer our services. We’re willing to buy the entire global stock of Fancy Love from you, Jessica Simpson, and we’ll help you decant it into less emotionally painful packaging, simply because your story has tugged at our heartstrings.

True, we’re stipulating that you have to rename the perfume Lonely Old Spinster, but that hardly matters. Get in touch.

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Jessica Simpson won’t look back on 2009 fondly – first she got a bit fat, then she split up with her boyfriend.

But she’ll show them. Oh yeah, Jessica Simpson’s going to show them GOOD! How? By doing the only sensible thing that a 29-year-old single woman who had one solitary unflattering photo taken of her several months ago can do – she’s going on a crash diet and exercising furiously. That’s right, Jessica Simpson is determined to lose one pound a day until there’s nothing left but a pile of teeth, nipples and clumps of hair.

So great work, Jessica. Almost there.

You know what we like to we when we’ve been dumped? We like to crap in their shoes and then sit in their front garden for week, crying and cutting ourselves and wailing “WHY? Why won’t you LOVE ME?” Also, we like to go on a berserk, unsustainable diet and exercise regime because it’s easier to blame the break-up of a relationship on excess fat than the fact that we’re essentially dull and unpleasant people to be around. So, hey, at least we’ve got something in common with Jessica Simpson in that respect.

You may remember that Jessica Simpson split up with her boyfriend Tony Romo recently. Well, the good news is that Jessica is determined to show Tony Romo what he’s missing. And while she’s at it, she’s going to show all those people who called her fat what they’re missing, too. In fact, Jessica Simpson is going to show everyone! She’ll prove the WHOLE WORLD wrong. Except, you know, not the parts of the world that say that she isn’t very good at singing or acting. She’s only losing a bit of weight. Jeez.

Actually, we take that back. Jessica Simpson isn’t just losing a bit of weight. Jessica Simpson’s going on a REVENGE DIET! Whatever one of those is. OK! explains:

“Right after Tony ended things, Jessica said, ‘I want my old body back,’” a friend of the singer reveals. “She went into her kitchen, got a trash bag and started to clear it out.” And the results are already starting to show — Jessica dropped 10 pounds in just the first 10 days of working out! “She doesn’t want to give anyone more reason to not take her seriously,” explains the pal. “She’s tired of weight being a talking point.”

OK, great. Jessica Simpson is tired of weight being a talking point. That’s a perfectly valid thing to say. After all, dramatically losing the equivalent of 30 human kidneys in weight in little over a week is absolutely going to stop people talking about her weight. Apart from this article. And the cover story of OK! magazine. And God knows what else.

And it’s only a bit of weight. It’s not as if Jessica Simpson has just signed a contract to produce and host an entire television series dedicated to using weight as a talking point, is it? What? It is? Oh well, at least now it’ll be a show where the viewers won’t be able to identify with the host in the slightest. And isn’t that the best type of show?

Still, we can’t help feeling that Jessica Simpson has an ulterior motive here. Maybe she’s losing this weight because she plans to get naked in a movie soon. Or maybe she’s teetering on the brink of an eating disorder. It doesn’t really matter – whichever one it is, someone’s probably going to end up vomiting.

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Why did Jessica Simpson and Tony Romo split up? There are countless possible reasons, too many to list.

But only one of them is hilarious. So let’s go with that. Reports are suggesting that Tomy Romo ran away from Jessica Simpson because of her meddling, breast-fixated father, Joe Simpson. Apparently one of the factors for the split was Joe’s insistence on giving Tony endless advice about how to do his job properly.

It’s such a waste, especially when poor old Pete Wentz is crying out for advice about how to write better songs. And what a decent haircut looks like.

Everybody needs a father like Joe Simpson. That’s scientific fact. Without a Joe Simpson by your side, you’d probably end up stumbling through life making bad decision after bad decision and getting absolutely nowhere.

But with a Joe Simpson by your side, the world is your oyster. Need to turn your marriage to a boyband star into an MTV reality show that’ll make everyone question the integrity of the union and ultimately lead to a messy public divorce? Joe Simpson’s your man. Need to carve yourself a movie career that’ll inevitably crash to a standstill in a flurry of direct-to-DVD releases and one of the worst-performing movies ever made? Joe Simpson’s your man. Want a string of boyfriends who’ll never commit as much as you’d like them to because of your creepy overbearing father constantly breathing down their necks? Joe Simpson is definitely your man.

Because, even though the official reason given for the recent Jessica Simpson/ Tony Romo split was that their schedules keep them apart too much, some sources are saying that it’s all down to Old Man Simpson and his meddlin’ ways. Fox reports:

“At one point Joe was even giving Tony football advice which doesn’t go down well,” said an insider. “Tony was a football superstar before he got mixed up in Hollywood, this move will be probably be good at least for his career.”

It doesn’t seem completely fair to lay the break-up of Jessica Simpson’s relationship with Tony Romo completely at Joe Simpson’s door, though, does it? There could be hundreds of other factors involved – like, say, the way that Jessica Simpson looked quite fat in that pair of trousers that one time, or the way that Jessica Simpson wouldn’t shut up about how fat she looked in those trousers the one time she wore them, or the way that Jessica Simpson got so bloody obsessed with how she sodding looked in those arseing trousers that she ended up making a TV show about the pissing things.

But, admit it, the Joe Simpson story does have an air of plausibility to it. After all, Jessica Simpson is daddy’s little girl – and nobody will ever give her the loving that he does.

No, not like that.

OK, a bit like that. Ugh.

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If you like women with an uncomfortable obsession with their own body image, or sport or whatever, look away now.

Because Jessica Simpson and Tony Romo – the leading proponents of those two things – have split up. But wait, it gets worse – according to reports, Tony Romo dumped Jessica Simpson the day before her 29th birthday. That doesn’t seem like a particularly nice thing to do, does it?

But wait, it gets even worse – Jessica Simpson never even got the opportunity to shill out her relationship with Tony Romo in a badly-made, ethically-questionable MTV reality show. That’s the real tragedy here.

Between the age of 29 and 30, a woman tends to go on one of the most magical journeys of her entire life. Sure, on her 29th birthday she might be the same girlish optimist you met and fell in love with, but over the next 365 days she’ll incrementally transform into a beautiful womanly butterfly. A butterfly who spends four hours every morning pulling at her face in the bathroom mirror like it’s a lump of foccacia dough while complaining about how old she’s suddenly got, sure, but a butterfly nonetheless.

And Tony Romo, we’re sad to say, isn’t going to see Jessica Simpson go through any of that.

This is because on the eve of her 29th birthday, Tony Romo decided to dump Jessica Simpson. We don’t know why this is – although possible reasons include the fact that Tony Romo could often be seen partying without Jessica Simpson and the fact that the most profound conversation that either of them ever had with each other was a 12-second monosyllabic exchange about a potato – so let’s allow the New York Daily News to fill things in for us:

“She is heartbroken,” says a source. “She loves Tony. But it’s been difficult lately. He’s busy with his career and she’s getting ready to shoot her show (The Price of Beauty). They decided to part ways.” … Although a suddenly single Simpson may be heartbroken, the singer is staying positive. “Everyone needs to know that hope floats … grab the strings and pull it back to you,” she tweeted.

We hate to pull you up here in this time of sadness, Jessica, but hope doesn’t actually float. Hope is an abstract emotional concept. We think you’ve got ‘hope’ mixed up with ‘poo’. Yes. Yes, you’ve definitely got ‘hope’ mixed up with ‘poo’.

Anyway, we wouldn’t recommend that any of you lose sleep about the Jessica Simpson/ Tony Romo split – they’ve parted ways before, remember, just before Ashlee Simpson got married to Pete Wentz, and ended up back in each other’s arms. Maybe all they need to push them together again is for someone else to give their baby a tragically awful name, because that seems to work.

So that’s why, if you’re expecting to give birth within the next week or so, please call your child something that’ll get them beaten up for the rest of their lives. Something like Gustav Vagina-Mouth. or Archibald Shitwhistle. Or Cunnilingus McHerpes. Please. Jessica Simpson and Tony Romo need you more than ever.

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Jessica Simpson knows how to react when life hands her a lemon. She eats the lemon, then shakes life by the shoulders screaming “More lemons! MORE LEMONS!”

And then she runs off and holds up a Krispy Kreme outlet at gunpoint and orders one of the staff to help her chug an entire day’s worth of glaze in one go right from the machine. Because, you see, Jessica Simpson is fat.

OK, Jessica Simpson isn’t fat. But one photo taken months ago made her look slightly fatter than usual. So Jessica Simpson is making a TV series about it. Seriously.

Without wanting to seem impolite, gorging on sausage rolls until her body ended up looking like a child’s sock stuffed with a wheelbarrow full of luncheon meat was probably the best thing that Jessica Simpson has ever done.

We mean it. Look at the evidence – not so long ago, Jessica Simpson was just another former popstar with her best years behind her, a film career that had bottomed out and a sideline as a country artist that didn’t interest anybody in the slightest. Then someone took a photo of Jessica Simpson in a pair of jeans that made her arse look like two hippos wrestling inside a latex glove and – bam! – Jessica Simpson’s back in the gossip magazines where she belongs.

And Jessica Simpson’s not going to let this opportunity slip through her fingers. That’s partly because her fingers are still coated with honey from the time she kicked over a beehive and ate the contents in a fit of hunger a few weeks ago, but it’s also because Jessica Simpson has spotted a niche, and she’s determined to milk it for all she can. She’s already discussed her weight at length, so that makes her an expert on body-image. And what do experts do? That’s right, they make TV shows. The New York Daily News reports:

The singer, who has repeatedly faced public scrutiny for her fluctuating weight, has reportedly visited TV networks to pitch a reality series titled “The Price of Beauty.” The show will be based on society’s outlook of women’s bodies, Us Weekly reports in its upcoming issue. “She and a friend set off on a road trip around the world in search of what people find beautiful and why,” says a source.

We’re not sure if Jessica Simpson’s The Price Of Beauty will be about people with genuine body-image issues, or just about people who had one picture taken of them that made them look a bit chubby and then refused to shut up about it, but we’re sure it will be excellent. If only because Jessica is bound to find somewhere on her global adventure where bright orange girls with big jaws are considered beautiful, and she’ll stay there forever.

Anyway, we don’t want to spoil Jessica Simpson’s The Price Of Fame for anyone, but – based on her other forays into reality TV – we think we know how it’ll end. Jessica Simpson will set off to explore the concept of body-image but then fall out of love with the concept of body-image a few episodes in, after which she’ll keep her obviously sham exploration of body-image going because the money’s good, and then she’ll divorce it a couple of days after the show gets cancelled.

Just a hunch, like.

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Is she fat? Is she thin? Is she thinner but still a bit fat? If you waved a gateaux under her nose would she bite your arms off at the elbows to get it? These are important questions, and Jessica Simpson wasn’t answering them.

Now she has. Jessica Simpson performed a concert on Sunday in a tiny pair of Daisy Duke shorts, which means she’s either thin again or they’ve started making Daisy Dukes in massive sizes. Who can really say for sure?

Not so long ago, the whole world was obsessed with Jessica Simpson’s weight, after photos of her at a concert made it look as if she’d spent a couple of months mainlining dripping while hooked up to an IV full of doughnut glaze in a flotation tank full of gravy.

Why was this? Well, it was either because the patriarchal media’s endemic consumption and ownership of the female form is a transparent ploy to keep women in a subservient position, or it was because it was a nice distraction from discussing Jessica Simpson’s singing or acting – either one of which tend to send people into a blaze of face-tearing, mind-melting madness. But we digress.

The point is, despite the public outcry over her wobbly belly and planet-sized arse, Jessica Simpson said time and time again that she was comfortable in her own weight; that she was right where she was supposed to be.

And she meant it, too, because Jessica Simpson has just lost loads of weight, and she’s doing just about everything she can to make sure everyone knows. Metro reports:

Toned down and bronzed, the country singer ditched her plus sized jeans for her old denim hot pants to thrill the crowds at the final night of the Strawberry Festival Sunday in America. Just a few months back The Dukes of Hazzard actress, 28, was happy to wave away her struggles to maintain her one time 36-24-36 frame. ‘Curves are better. I don’t get the whole rail thing… It’s emotionally destructive, it really is.’

But despite whatever hypocrisy might be at play here, this really is a return to the Jessica Simpson we know and love. Bright orange, dressed like Willie Nelson’s slutty granddaughter, sad because she’s not married instead of sad that she’s grossly overweight – not to mention that all this weight-loss has really sharpened the definition of her jawline again. And, after all, Jessica Simpson’s not Jessica Simpson unless you’re terrified of her ability to bite clean through your leg in a moment of anger.

What’s more, this sudden weight-loss is bound to be massively profitable for Jessica Simpson. By Christmas she’ll have definitely brought out a fitness DVD. Or, at the very least, a tearful exclusive magazine interview about her battle with bulimia. Which will it be? Place your bets now!

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Oh, we’re just kidding. Jessica Simpson isn’t clinically obese – she just wore a bad pair of trousers once and hasn’t stopped acting offended because some people said it made her bum look big. Now Jessica Simpson has described the furore, saying that she’s OK because she “prays out loud”.

Incidentally, Pray Out Loud is the name of Jessica Simpson’s new single. Lucky it wasn’t called Cry And Eat Crisps A Lot, eh? That would have been really embarrassing.

Suddenly ballooning up like a redneck Violet Beauregarde has been the best thing to happen to Jessica Simpson for years. We’re being serious here. Her movie career was sinking fast, her career as a country singer wasn’t winning anyone over and – worst of all – she was being eclipsed in the celebrity stakes by her Skekis of a little sister.

But a few months of what we presume to be pity-bingeing on melon-sized clumps of unprocessed suet later, and Jessica Simpson is back where she belongs – being seriously discussed by lonely people who emotionally invest in the lives of strangers to try and ward off an inevitable existential meltdown.

And Jessica Simpson is loving it. Just because she got a bit fat and then tried to wear a pair of jeans that made her bottom look like a sun-blistered dinghy, Jessica Simpson can’t stay out of the news. Celebrities are defending her, between-song concert banter is misconstrued as heartfelt thanks from Jessica Simpson to all the fans who don’t care that she’s got 12 chins and arteries like fibreglass, and people even care when she messes up songs and starts crying again – we thought that people got bored of that old trick long ago.

But one thing that Jessica Simpson hasn’t done is directly address her weight gain. That all changed on CBS’s The Early Show this morning, though, when Jessica Simpson said this:

“Honestly, I am right where I’m supposed to be. I am so happy. Right now I’m on tour with Rascal Flatts, having a blast. We’re at Madison Square Garden tomorrow. Everybody’s just been so warm and welcoming. Lots of hugs, I like that… Texas style. Everything’s really great. It’s all about keeping the faith. That’s why I pray out loud.”

You see, Jessica Simpson is entirely comfortable with… hey, wait a minute! Jessica Simpson didn’t address her weight gain at all! All she actually did was promote her tour and forthcoming single in the style of a woman dictating a wartime telegram. Does that count? We don’t even think that actually counts.

Oh well, it’ll fall to someone else to secure Jessica Simpson’s first directly explicit statement about all the fuss over her weight gain, then. It’ll be a race against time, though – wait too long and Jessica Simpson runs the very real risk of swallowing the entire planet, Katamari-style.

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A recent appearance in a hilarious comedy fatsuit, and now deciding to not sing her own songs during her own concert. We applaud you, Jessica Simpson, for your refusal to let convention dictate how a sexy popstar should behave.

Poor Jessica Simpson. Hot on the over-stressed heels of her recent appearances – when she performed on stage looking like she’d not only eaten all of the pies, but quite a few of the piemakers as well – comes the latest embarrassing little onstage muckup. At a show last week in Michigan, she was unable to sing any of her own songs in full, as the mighty journalistic force of the Grand Rapids Press testify:

The singer forgot her lyrics, struggled with her ear monitors, mumbled through songs and fought back tears as she exited the stage after a 38-minute set. Simpson apologized to the supportive audience of about 9,000 by mouthing the word “sorry” on two large video screens.

We’re unsure of how exactly the crowd were ’supportive. Maybe they clapped, and called out inspirational messages as Jessica Simpson tried to remember the words to her songs. Or perhaps a few hundred of the strongest amongst them bravely struggled to support her immense bodyweight during a brief bit of crowdsurfing. We shall never know.

What is certain is that Jessica should have stuck with her sister’s chosen method of performing live: miming to a prerecorded version of the song, but failing to realise when it is actually about to start and going on to make a massive toss-sock of herself in front of millions of TV viewers. But just the first bit.

In an embarrassing twist, TMZ has posted a video it claims is footage from the concert, showing a disracted Simpson onstage, singing a bit and forgetting the words a bit. Whoops! It seems to be instead film of a mummyhippo who, having lost her babyhippos, paces back and forth, crying out to the world for the return of her children. In front of men with guitars.

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Cakes. Cakes are important to Jessica Simpson. And Big Macs. And, more relevantly to this story, fans. All through Dumpygate, Jessica Simpson’s fans have been right there for her. And last night Jessica thanked her fans by performing a concert, where she told them that sometimes people wrongly focus on pointless things.

And since nobody would have heard of Jessica Simpson were it not for that awful TV show about her inherent lack of marital intelligence, we’re taking her as an expert on pointlessness.

It’s hard to try and second guess what Jessica Simpson is feeling at the moment. On one hand, websites and magazines and TV shows are gunning for her thanks to those photos of her looking like a lardy old fatsack on Sunday, and that can’t be very nice. On the other hand, people actually remember that Jessica Simpson exists. That hasn’t really happened for about 18 months.

In fact, we’re going to go with the latter. Jessica Simpson must be thrilled that she’s in the news again. Seriously. All she had to do was shotgun gravy through a bottlebong until she turned into a great big greedy gravity-hog, and all of a sudden Jessica Simpson’s back in the big league again.

It’s perfect, too, because a) Jessica Simpson is hardly gigantic by any means, b) hoards of celebrities are leaping to her defence and c) Jessica Simpson concerts now come under roughly the same level of media scrutiny as presidential inaugurations, raising the status of her mid-song banter from ‘dreary time-filler’ to ‘the sort of shit that someone should carve into a stone tablet’.

Which is just as well, because last night in Charlottesville, Va, Jessica Simpson punctuated her concert with some deeply profound words, as OK reports:

“In our world today, we focus on so many other things that are completely pointless. I wanted to tell the world we need to put our hands together and pray out loud.” After performing her song, “Still Beautiful,” the 28-year-old told the crowd at the arena to remember the song’s last line: “Even when I’m sad, every day I have is still beautiful. Please remember that, no matter what you go through in life,” she implored.

Now, it sounds as if Jessica Simpson is doing her best to stay positive in the wake of negative media reaction by writing off all the discussion of her weight gain as ‘pointless’. But in actual fact the precise opposite is true.

In actual fact, all this media attention has gone right to Jessica Simpson’s head to the extent that she now regards every piece of news that isn’t explicitly about her to be pointless. In her mind, everything – the recession, the problems in the Middle East, all that stuff about Blagojevich – pales into insignificance against the fact that Jessica Simpson has got a massive arse and her face seems to have mysteriously got three inches wider.

And rightly so. She’s a wise one, that Jessica Simpson. Like Buddha, or one of those other fat gods.

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Or, you know, These Thighs Were Made For Crushing Cars. Or something. Basically, Jessica Simpson has got a little bit fat, and everyone’s talking about it.

Thanks to a couple of unflattering pictures taken last weekend, people now refer to Jessica Simpson as Heifer-ca Simpson, Jessica Not-Thinson or Jessica Simpsonofabitchyougotfat. Or maybe we made those up. We’re not telling.

Anyway, now Kim Kardashian has said that Jessica Simpson looks ‘hot’. That’s because she’s insulated by fat, you insensitive bitch.

We know as well as anyone that people tend to pack on a few extra pounds over Christmas. That’s normal. But not Jessica Simpson. Jessica Simpson doesn’t look like she overate a little at Christmas. Jessica Simpson looks like she’s actually eaten the entire concept of Christmas, and that she’ll give Easter a running start before she makes a lunge for that as well.

OK, that’s a little unfair. In truth, Jessica Simpson was photographed performing at a show in Florida on Sunday looking slightly bulkier than usual. True, she did decide to wear a pair of jeans so unflattering that it made her arse look like two vacuum-packed planets having it off, but it really wasn’t as bad as everyone’s making out.

Nevertheless, reaction to Jessica Simpson’s rotund new look has been two-pronged. Obviously there are those who delight in chortling at Jessica Simpson’s portly new frame – but there are also those who have been quick to defend her. We’ve read countless messageboard comments saying that Jessica Simpson is just being a traditional southern girl – somehow insinuating that her centre of gravity has settled on her buttocks because she’s closer to the equator than most people – while Jessica’s sister Ashlee Simpson has said she’s ‘disgusted’ by all the public interest in Jessica’s tummy.

And now Kim Kardashian has waded into the Jessica Simpson fray as well. No, we don’t know why either. People reports:

“Call me crazy, but when I saw the picture, I was like, ‘Oh my God, Jessica looks hot!’ I actually love the outfit. I think she looks amazing. I love high-waisted jeans, I loved that belt, and her hair looked fabulous. I get that she does look curvier, but to me, there’s nothing wrong it.”

Good for Kim Kardashian for elbowing her way into a debate that she wasn’t invited to. But Jessica Simpson should be careful – it sounds very much to us like Kim Kardashian is trying to indoctrinate Jessica into her new weight-loss plan: Shag Yourself Thin On The Internet With Kim Kardashian.

As for us? Well, we can totally understand the weight-gain – recently Jessica Simpson decided to go country, and porking out a little bit is just keeping with the conventions of the genre. Although why Jessica chose increased bodyfat is beyond us, especially when she could have slotted in with the country set just as easily by growing a beard or subjecting herself to years of ritualised domestic abuse. You know, something less offensive.

Of course, we’re joking. Everyone knows that Jessica Simpson only put on a bit of weight to stop her dad perving over her tits all the time. You’d do the same in her position.

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