Jessica Simpson Has Got That Sucking In Thing Down

Jessica Simpson MuscleOnce upon a time, Jessica Simpson magically beat Britney and Christina to become the hottest pop princess of the late 90s.  She was dumber than a sack of rocks, but it was okay because she has tig ol bitties and a fantastic ass.

Then, unfortunately, Simpson showed she was human by gaining some weight, rocking some mom jeans (before becoming a mom), and eventually having two children who reeked havoc on her thighs.  But that Weight Watchers deal seems to finally be paying off for her, as seen in a new Instagram picture posted.

Jessica Simpson took a cue from Jennifer Hudson a few years back, and realized there is no greater motivation for losing weight than someone else paying you an obscene amount of money to do so.  So, after giving birth to her daughter Maxi Pad, she became a Weight Watchers spokeswoman, but then kind of decided she still liked eating buttered PopTarts more than running, and didn’t lose all that much weight.  Sure, properly staged photos with a good touch of Photoshop can make anyone look a few pounds lighter, but those paparazzi shots weren’t fooling anyway.

Now instead of having to give WW back all their money, she got herself knocked up again by her boyfriend/leech/baby daddy, because no one yells at a pregnant woman for being too fat (Except Kim Kardashian, apparently.  Sorry girl, that Shamu mess was harsh).  Since giving birth to her son Ace Knute-Gingrich, Jessica has done a pretty good job of getting her body back to her Dukes of Hazzard phase.  Her commercials for WW suddenly show her whole body and not just her head, she’s back to rocking short shorts, and she genuinely seems happier.

She decided to show off her new banging body on Instagram this weekend, because nothing screams “HAPPY MEMORIAL DAY!” like posing in a bathing suit.

Jessica Simpson Bikini Instagram

First of all, we all know Jessica doesn’t golf.  There is way too much math and physics involved in that shit.  Secondly, really with the 1999 wedge platform sandals? I get it, taller shoes make your legs appear thinner, but this look is almost as bad as those whores wearing clear plastic stilettos with their shiny silver string bikinis.

Now, I give Jessica credit, she looks great.  But she also looks massively uncomfortable.  I don’t think she could be sucking in any harder if there was a dick blowing diamonds around.  You know there were multiple shots taken, each time with a countdown right before hand.  “Okay Jessica, you ready?  Hold it in, in 3, 2, 1..”  I wouldn’t be surprised if she fell over at least once from combination of lack of oxygen and ridiculous shoes.  Girl, you are thin!  You don’t need to bruise a rib trying to appear waferish, you aren’t fooling anyone anyway.

After taking a minute to think about it though, I now get the golf club.  It wasn’t used to pretend Simpson plays sports.  It’s a not to subtle cane, holding poor Jessica up as she crushed her intestines for the sake of a good filtered Instagram pic.   It would have honestly just been easier to buy some waterproof Spanx, Jess.

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