Jessica Simpson Drank the Kardashian Koolaid

Kim Kardashian Jessica SImpsonWe have all known for many years that Jessica Simpson wasn’t the sharpest tool in the shed.? Her biggest asset has always been?her gigantic rack, possibly her singing voice, but really not her brain.?

However, even I am a calling some “bullshit” on reports that Simpson is looking to get plastic surgery on a certain part of her anatomy to look like everyone’s favorite purveyor of golden showers and fame whoring.

Jessica Simpson finally started earning her Weight Watchers money this past year, and got her Dukes of Hazzard body back.??? Along with the very useful skillset of proper sucking in-age, Simpson has been making sure to?show that hard work off.? Bitch didn’t give up buttered Pop Tarts for nothing!? We all know her second wedding to her gold digger baby daddy also played a big role in her “more sit ups/less In&Out” lifestyle.

But now according to some anonymous source (aka Kanye Batshit Crazy West), Jessica is not happy just being skinny with watermelon sized boobs.? What she also misses from her Daisy Duke days, besides having an actual career, is having an ass a dude wants to fap off too.? Apparently, not only did Simpson lose her muffin top with her weight loss, but she also lost her booty.? And she doesn’t just want her own ass back.? Oh no, she wants the ass of all asses, Kim Kardashian’s.

So instead of just doing a bajillion squats a day, Simpson is allegedly looking into getting butt implants to bring her the Kim K level.?? It’s pretty much a given that Kim Kardashian is no an au natural flower, but her ass is most likely all her.? That much cottage cheese does not still exist with Botox and saline.? And if it does, then someone should be demanding a refund from her surgeon.

?Jessica has always felt competitive with Kim, but since she got her figure back it?s gone up another level. She?s been poring over photos of Kim?s butt for weeks, studying it from as many angles as she can.

Jess realizes there?s no way she could get a sexy booty like Kim?s with just exercise. So she?s been looking into fillers and various butt lift options to see which procedure will give her the same shape. She?s checking out all other options first before going under the knife, but Jessica wants people to be talking about her booty before the end of the year.”

In what world has Jessica Simpson been in competition with Kim Kardashian?? As much as I may enjoy laughing at Simpson’s stupidness, she does actually have talent, something Mrs. West can only say she possesses if we’re talking about golden showers or an ability to fuck rich black guys.

Recently, I watched an episode of Botched, which is this show all about totally fucked up plastic surgery stories, and this one bitch got a butt implant.? She actually got breast implants in her ass, and that shit was all messed up.? They were put in upside down, she was able to grab her own ass and flip the implants.? It was terrible and disgusting, and I hope for Simpson’s sake that if she does decide to tempt the fates and alter her booty, she makes sure to call up that chick and find out the name of her doctor so he can put on her “Do not touch” list.


  1. Jon Bryant says

    Jessica Simpson is so pretty,she doesn’t even realize it! Perhaps some self esteem therapy could help her? ( I hope the best for her and hope she finds herself!)