Jim Carey’s daughter Jane Carrey revealed on American Idol how she’s spent the past 24 years living in the lap of luxury, and riding golden ponies, all paid for by daddy’s money. Wait: we mean the exact opposite of that…

“He’s definitely not the most extravagant celebrity,” the daughter of rubber-faced comic Jim Carrey told American Idol viewers, adding that she’s a single mother whose been waiting tables for the last six years.

Ummm… what? There’s a difference between not being ‘extravagant’ and letting your daughter clean-up other people’s gobbed-out food for minimum wage.

Jim’s got it all wrong. For a start, ‘Jane Carrey’ – what’s up with that? The guy didn’t even have the decency to name her after a fruit or a space missile. People are just going to have to GUESS at where she was conceived as he couldn’t even be bothered to call her after the town.

What kind of start in life is that?

Unlike most celebrity spawn with a Jesus complex – famous because of their dad’s good work – Jane Carrey is rumoured to actually be able to sing, and hasn’t yet flashed her noo-noo at any paps. So what if she looks like Miley Cyrus who been covered in tar then rolled around in Primark.

There’s still hope for her yet. American Idol’s female contestants tend to be fat and crazy – like an army of bald-era Britneys. Plus, Pa Carrey is rumoured to be a Scientologist – a religion that would make more sense if it were based on the texts messages your drunk grandma sent the first time she used an iPhone.

Anyway. Here’s the video because that’s what you all came for:

As well you know, Jennifer Lopez split up with her fella, Marc Anthony recently, and everyone was so shocked that the UN set up a helpline to stop us all from committing suicide in the streets. It really was an awful time.

It’s about to get worse.

See, Marc Anthony is not happy to just break one celebrity marriage now that he’s been reported to be “inappropriately close” to Jada Pinkett Smith – or, if you prefer, Will Smith’s wife. Oooooooh. Don’t mess with lovely Will Smith.

Apparently, during the filming of their television show HawthoRNe (nope, us neither), everyone spied on them before saying that they were acting very affectionately towards each other.

Almost too affectionate.

Some source from the set says (don’t try saying that if you’ve got a lisp):

“They were a little touchy and like they were in their own little world.”

It appears that these two adults spend time in Anthony’s trailer. Not only that, they ‘frequently talked’ and, worse still, ‘texted’ each other. Why, they may as well have full sex in-front of everyone the filthy buggers.

Of course, this has prompted reports that Will Smith and Jada have separated after 13 years of marriage.

In a joint statement, whipping their hair back and forth, they said:

“Although we are reluctant to respond to these types of press reports, the rumours circulating about our relationship are completely false”

“We are still together, and our marriage is intact.”

And then Carlton did a funny dance for everyone while everyone dreamed of having sex with Will Smith, grabbing hold of his large ears while riding him like a stolen moped.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or else we’ll kill you in your sleep or join our Facebook group if anyone is still daft enough to use it or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS OR WE’LL KILL EVERYONE YOU’VE EVER LOVED!

You may remember a few months ago (and if you don’t remember, you’re a liar, because we ALL remember. We just don’t talk about it anymore) someone, somewhere on the horizon of logic sacked Cheryl Cole upon realising she is an entirely pointless human woman.

Yeah, you remember. It was brilliant.

After years being mollycoddled (and there really is no other word for it, that bitch got  mollycoddled good) by Simon Cowell after a number of years of voluntary blindness, a promotion to LA fell flat on it’s arse, because some brave stallion of a man stood up in a board meeting and suddenly realised “Hang on a second. This woman’s dimples aren’t cute enough to warrant a legitimate and vibrant media career at all! We’ve all been duped!’ and Cheryl Cole, alas, alas, hung up her stupid purple stupid trousers which were stupid, and headed back to England, to do something or other.

Those months were some of the most significant pieces of clarity that we have ever experienced. But now it’s time for the hideous comedown, which falls into the shape of the following piece of information: Cheryl Cole is now to become an actress.

It has surfaced that Cheryl (Or ‘Chezza’, if you’re a Heatworld.com reader) will be appearing in an upcoming terrible film called What To Expect When You’re Expecting – a hilarious romcom about pregnant people starring Cameron Diaz and Jennifer Lopez. What’s that you say? Why have two has-been, incredibly untalented and unattractive women when you can have three? Well, yes, bit cruel – but fair point, guys. Fair point.

On top of this, new rumours are now floating around that Cheryl’s infallible multi-talented abilities will also be taking place in a guest spot in everyone’s favourite masochistic orgy series Glee, and everyone’s second favourite masochistic orgy series How I Met Your Mother.

These rumours appeared to begin after Matthew Morrison, (who apparently is in Glee, but how the hell would we possibly know) lied to the press today professing:

“She is a talented girl. Appearing in Glee would be a good way for Cheryl to crack America.”

Brilliant. Cheers Cheryl. It’s going to be an absolutely awful 2012, and we’re all going to have to actually watch the Olympics now.

Citizen Kane 2, anyone?

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or join our Facebook group or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS!

The news that Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony were getting divorced saw unprecedented sorrow in the hecklerspray hovel. We couldn’t believe that such a perfect couple had split without reminding us that they were an item in the first place. Very distressing.

So what caused this awful rift between two gulpingly attractive superhumans?

Well, Jennifer Lopez made a massive, massive mistake. She forgot that you’re only allowed to be attractive while wooing your husband. After that, you must stop being attractive at all, even if your work depends on it and, dare we say it, that was the thing that attracted your beau to you in the first instance.

It has been reported in magazines that are better at keeping a straight face than us, that Marc was all kinds of objecting to Lopez’s sexy wardrobe. No, we don’t mean that the wardrobe itself was lust-inducing, but rather, the clothes that hung in it were rather scanty or figure-hugging.

Some div says:

“He would make her feel terrible about herself if she wanted to wear something sexy. He likes her to dress in a demure, ‘wife’ style. He hated the fact that she was a sex symbol.”

A different idiot agrees:

“Marc has always been a very dominating husband. He wants to control everything Jennifer does.”

Elsewhere, a completely different mole added, given faux-credence to the whole thing:

“She tried so hard to make this marriage work. She put up with – and kept putting up with – Marc’s controlling ways, which had been going on for a long time, and she was really trying to make the best of it.”

Of course, this story is designed to make the stupid reader think ‘Yeah. That’s exactly what it’s like for me too. And many other woman no doubt! Men are very controlling aren’t they? Our Ryan goes mad when I wear low-cut tops! Cuh! Men!‘, which of course, is complete cowpiss as both sexes are obviously mental and controlling when the mood takes them.

Right? Haha! Are we having fun readers?

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or join our Facebook group or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS!

Jennifer Lopez and the historically named Marc Anthony are still set to film their globe-trotting talent show together, despite announcing the end of their marriage last week and the inevitable feelings of murderous rage that come as part and parcel of any such split.

Last month it was announced that the former couple hatched a plan in their volcano lair and were to jet off on a massive global tour this summer in order to find the best Latin wannabe stars for their new TV talent show titled, oddly enough, ‘Q’viva! The Chosen’.

The original idea of the programme is thought to have been altered slightly to reflect the change in Lopez and Anthony’s marital situation.

Very little is known about the exact format that the show, which is being produced by Xix Entertainment, was originally supposed to have . However, fictional sources close to the company have informed hecklerspray that the couple were supposed be seeking out the very best young talents in the world of Latin music before whisking the lucky contestants off on a series of nefarious trials in which their very sanity would be pushed to the limit for the amusement of J’Lopatra and her Roman consort.

After Lopez and Anthony sent shockwaves of apathy through Hollywood on Friday by ending their seven year ‘association’, the production company is apparently looking for a new format to play on the split and the headlines that it has inevitably drummed up.

The revised ideas are thought to include ‘singing battles’ in which the divorce case is played out through a series of musical numbers, sung by the contestants, in front of a judge and the charming ‘babysitter’ idea in which the contestants sing platitudes to the former couple in the form of insipid ballads.

We know what you’re thinking; surely it would be more sensible for them to put the show on ice until they can spend time in the same room without armed guards having to intervene. Unfortunately, the road to millions of dollars is littered with the corpses of people who couldn’t be professional and as such their production company has spoken out in order to squash rumours that the project has been thrown into jeopardy.

A representative from Xix told Deadline.com, “They’re both committed to ‘Q’viva!’ and will work on it as planned. The show goes on!” This is despite the fact that they have to be separated at all times by an electric fence.

Here’s hoping the show descends into an on-stage battle where J’Lo and her backing dancers take on Mark Anthony and a legion of well-trained Roman soldiers. Well… we can always dream.

Celebrity boob enthusiasts! We don’t mind if you don’t want to read these words and get straight to the mammaries. Yes. There’s a picture of Jennifer Lopez’s right boob over the jump. Honestly. Go straight there. You’ll miss some jokes but the traffic is all good.

Right. For those of you who remain and want to see what words we’ll write about J-Lo’s right buster, we’re all poised like a coiled sponge to disappoint.

So what’s happening? Well, the American Idol judge allowed her bubular to hang out while appearing on a German TV show, clearly enjoying the fact that they’re all sexually liberated over there with their porn films, hairy genitalia and their penchant for tanga briefs.

While promoting her new album (no, we had no idea either – nothing on it will be as good as Jenny From The Block or If You Had My Love, betcha), Lopez decided to expose herself a little too much.

The boob happened after J-Lo appeared in a horse drawn carriage for the live filming before discovering that the wind and floaty clothing don’t often get along.

Initially, it looked like Lopez was going to flash her famous bottom (which very nearly appeared in a sex tape recently) at everyone, but the host saved the day. Well done.

Then her boob fell out. See for yourself.

Image via stylejacking

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or join our Facebook group or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS!

We haven’t seen much of Jennifer Lopez recently. We tried shouting her name every night through the broken windowpane in our rancid bedsit, but we’ve had no success – only letters telling us to pipe down before someone rips out our vocal chords with a butter knife.

Suddenly it dawned on us as to the whereabouts of Jennifer Lopez. She’ll be hanging out somewhere in New York’s Bronx suburb! As per the lyrics to her 2002 single “Jenny From The Block” she won’t have moved out of her ghetto neighbourhood for pastures new, instead she’ll be keeping it real with her crew and posse.

Lopez has stuck to her roots so firmly that she’s refused to embrace modern pop music and open herself up to Geordie soloist Cheryl Cole. Ha’way man Jennifer Lopez, poor Cheryl Cole will feel like she’s not worth it, pet.

In a messed up kind of way, Cheryl Cole, aka the nation’s sweetheart, has a few things in common with Jennifer Lopez. And that’s besides the obvious of both being female and causing teenage boys to gently rub their genitals. Both singers have a rags to riches associated with each of them with each supposedly escaping their rough upbringing for something much more fruitful.

According to most rap records you’ll hear lyrics along the lines of: “The streets of the Bronx are long and tough, you only get by in life if ya scary and rough.” Other ditties include incidents of shootings, stabbings, muggings and general violence in an area which must be a total ballache for estate agents to work with. Jennifer Lopez grew up there, whilst Cheryl Cole was brought up in an area of Newcastle called Heaton, an estate which is now full of students from the two universities – not zombie like heroin addicts who roam the streets looking for their next hit.

But fear not! The two aren’t going to be united for a Channel 4 property show where Lopez and Cole transform rundown estates in to areas that people might actually be proud to call home. Instead, it all boils down to bloody the American version of X-Factor, a show which every singer on the planet has been associated with.

In particular, Cheryl Cole has been eager to suck the flaccid corporate member of Fox who plan to broadcast the programme, just so she can tell people they’re crap at singing. However, there are a few snags with this plan. Not her unstandardised British accent that Americans will struggle to understand, but the fact nobody has heard of her. Just like Jennifer Lopez. She garbled:

“Ah, someone mentioned her to me yesterday; she’s a singer, right? I don’t know too much about her, I don’t know her music. I’d be happy to learn about it!”

If Jennifer Lopez doesn’t know about the music of Cheryl Cole, she probably won’t know her about her conviction of assault either! But its okay, most people have forgotten about that, she’s a judge on UK X-Factor, making her totally worth it.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or join our Facebook group or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS!

If you ever wanted to open up the kitchen drawer, take out a bread knife and attempt self harming due to bone-crushing news, this is the time. Professional nobody with a sex tape Kim Kardashian has been given a dubious honour, meaning that out of the planet’s six billion plus people, her booty is the peachiest of them all.

The main question is how such a person can proudly chalk this accolade on their CV, ensuring future employers will fall on the floor with spluttered gasps of amazement.

Who cares about a Nobel Peace Prize when you can be told that you have a bang tidy botty? Perhaps Kim Kardashian will get the chance to imprint her buttocks in to a poor person’s version of the Hollywood walk of fame? Like a pissy old park bench.
What really has to be asked is who gets to sit on the judging panel, painstakingly flicking through multiple pictures of arse after arse?

Basically, when the member of the committee converse, they’ll be having more bum fun than individuals who go to lemon parties. As far as we can remember, there aren’t many specialists who deal with the rump region of humans. Granted, specialist doctors ensure that ladies front bottoms act like a well lubricated engine, but that’s beside the point.

No doubt it was created from a man’s perspective with big ACME locks bolted on to the door to keep out baying feminists from complaining that these lists depict females as nothing but pieces of sexual meat. No doubt criteria such as “looks good in a bikini”, “spills out her jean shorts” and “has no fear of stripping” were just some of the boxes that needed to be ticked.

This will probably be the only time we say this without sounding like strange dicks, but we have the definitive countdown of top arses as voted by some unknown mystical force, but powerful enough to make some sort of mark on the internet.

The Metro newspaper reports:

“Kim beat off stiff competition from other bootylicious beauties including Jennifer Lopez, who came second in the survey, and singer/actress Beyonce Knowles. Jessica Biel, of The A-Team fame, took the fourth spot with her ‘perfectly plump and toned’ derriere, while Lady Gaga rounded off the top five.”

Lady Gaga eh? Placing her at number five can be justified. However, based on her strange costumes, it might not have been rounded pounds of flesh that a pair of eyes locked on to. Oh no, it could have been some elaborate stage prop that was hand carved in Japan, costing more money then you’ll ever see in a lifetime.

Anyway, Kim Kardashian must be extremely proud of herself. Already coined a “total tit” by most people, she now has another award to proudly use a door stop.

(Our money was on Rihanna, if you were wondering)

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or join our Facebook group or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS!

Jennifer Lopez has had a tricky life. She’s spoken openly about her abusive, alcoholic background which saw her struggling with alcohol problems herself. Her troubles hit the headlines in ’94 when she set fire to Andre Rison’s tennis shoes in a bath which ultimately burned down the mansion she lived in. After years of being a successful R’n'B singer, she died in a horrible car accident.

Hang on. That’s Lisa Left Eye Lopes.

Arse.

Jennifer Lopez, who isn’t dead, is in fact looking at a massive pay-cheque, $12 million no less, as she looks to have agreed to serve as a judge on American Idol’s 10th season. It has been rumoured for a while, despite shadowy elites trying to trash-talk her, and now, it’s all but formality.

After Simon Cowell decided to ditch the show, presumably because he hates the whole of America, there’s been some holes that have needed plugging on the show and, it would seem that this plug is exactly the same size as J-Lo’s famous bum.

Former Hecklerspray editor Ellen DeGeneres took his place on the show, but alas, it didn’t really work out because she wasn’t really offering the show anything that wasn’t already being said by fellow judge Randy Jackson.

What we’re saying here, under the thinnest of veils, is that she used to copy what he said and it was boring.

So, here comes Lopez who will hopefully be able to muster up an opinion of her own and, fingers crossed, find it within herself to be a real bitch when needed because that’s the whole point of the show – watching people’s dreams cruelly crushed on our television sets.

The pressure will be on for Lopez as her $12 million wage isn’t far from host Ryan Seacrest’s $15 million pay and trumps Randy Jackson’s $8million.

Seeing as Americans are also in the business of hiring talentless, loud-mouthed know-nothings from England, can we just point out that Hecklerspray is filled with idiots willing to be nasty for a fraction of the pay.

PLEASE.

DON’T MAKE US BEG YOU BASTARDS.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or join our Facebook group

Jennifer Lopez hasn’t been up to much lately… has she? Thing is, she stopped being mega famous a while back and only appeared in the columns when she was acting like a stroppy git. Or that’s what her detractors would have you believe.

This is, naturally, according to Her People who are implying that there’s some sort of shadowy cabal of shit-slingers who are trying to sabotage J-Lo’s attempts to become the next ‘American Idol’ judge.

Honestly – people in television and media are this paranoid. This is largely thanks to the huge amounts of cocaine they consume, which sees them holed-up and cackling wildly at imagined threats, shaking their fists at the horizon shouting “THEY WON’T BEAT US DOWN!”, despite the fact ‘they’ and ‘us’ are both imagined.

Yes indeed, the crackpots at FOX believe that enemies of the format show, as well as people who generally don’t like Lopez (despite the fact ‘Jenny From The Block’ was pretty good) are planting rumors about the star’s so-called “diva demands” before she gets to watch the ink dry on the dotted line.

Muttering idiots have been whispering in the ear of TMZ, saying that negotiations between the two parties have been “normal” and lovely, perfect, pleasant and other fluffy-wuffy words.

Basically, Lopez is a dead-cert to get the judges gig any day now.

Of course, this doesn’t stop the drip-drip of rumour that says J-Lo is stamping her feet in incredibly expensive shoes demanding more money than anyone can even count to.

Not to mention the fact that she was ‘demanding’ a movie deal to be included in any contracts.

Weirdly, Lopez only got offered the gig after some seriously famous old queens turned down the show, notably, Elton John and Barry Manilow, who are far too bloated to want a proper job sat near the general public.

In even stranger news, Simon Cowell’s replacement is Aerosmith lips-on-legs, Steven Tyler. He’s been spouting off to friends that he is replacing Cowell, which seems incredibly unlikely. Unless of course, they’ve got bags of painkillers for Tyler to neck from branded Coca-Cola cups on-set.

Anyway, if the rumours are all true, we could end up with a judges table that’s longer than the stage where the performances take place.

That would be stupid wouldn’t it? Although, not as stupid as anyone giving Piers Morgan a job. Any job. What Jennifer Lopez? Yeah. Her. Something or other.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or join our Facebook group

The world is still struggling to cope with the news that Jennifer Lopez won’t be an American Idol judge.

How are you dealing with it? By shrugging and genuinely not caring one way or the other about it? That’s funny, us too. But widespread apathy won’t find American Idol its new judge, will it? That’s why Shania Twain has become the latest name to be dragged into the palaver.

According to reports, Shania Twain is currently the favourite to become the new American Idol judge because a) she’s a bigger fan of the show than Jennifer Lopez, b) she has more American Idol experience than Jennifer Lopez and c) she won’t go batshit crazy if you accidentally look her in the eye or call her anything that’s not on a pre-agreed document containing acceptably cute nicknames like Jennifer Lopez probably would.

If we were aspiring singers, we’d probably give American Idol a wide berth this year. It was bad enough when they had to audition in front of a bad-tempered Brit, a colossally unfocused 1980s throwback and a bloke on the end who kept calling everyone ‘Dog’ – but this year looks set to be even more terrifying.

If reports are true, then it’s possible that the American Idol judges this year will be Jessica Simpson and Steven Tyler. It’s not a great combination, partly because Jessica Simpson is dim and Steven Tyler is so awful that even his own bandmates openly despise him, and partly because when they sit next to each other they’ll look like the before and after photos in a public health announcement about the dangers of crystal meth addiction.

So American Idol needs a third judge and, since it’s not going to be Jennifer Lopez now, it looks like it’ll be Shania Twain. The Boston Herald reports:

“They’ve been after her ever since she was a mentor on the show last season,” a source said yesterday. “And they haven’t given up.” Shania, you may remember, stepped in for the Chicago auditions last season and won the hearts of many of the “Idol” types. “Shania’s a huge fan of the show,and she had a great time as a mentor,” the source said.

Ah yes, Shania Twain has appeared on American Idol before, in an appearance largely marked by her transparent desire to have sex with everyone that walked in front of her. If Shania does get the job, then it’ll mean employing stagehands to stand off-camera with buckets of ice cold water in case her HRT goes berserk again. But apart from that, we’re sure that Shania Twain can teach the American Idol contestants a lot.

By which we mean she can teach them how to run off to Switzerland to avoid paying taxes. Same thing really.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter

This is a shame. We were really looking forward to seeing Jennifer Lopez become a judge on American Idol.

She knows everything. As a singer, Jennifer Lopez could have taught the contestants how to sing. As a dancer, Jennifer Lopez could have taught the contestants how to dance. As an actor, Jennifer Lopez could have taught the contestants how to emote. And as Jennifer Lopez, Jennifer Lopez could have taught the contestants to make impossible demands of local venues and then freak out whenever anyone makes unapproved eye contact with them.

But it isn’t to be. Reports have suggested that Jennifer Lopez is now out of the running to become a judge on the next season of American Idol. It’s a pity. The money would have come in handy. After all, Jennifer Lopez has two growing buttocks to look after.

This American Idol judging saga is getting to be a bit of a mess, isn’t it? At times it’s seemed like everyone on the planet has had their name linked to the job. Everyone apart from Kara DioGuardi, obviously – the American Idol producers aren’t stupid, after all.

But Jennifer Lopez seemed like a dead cert. Less transparently dim than Jessica Simpson. Less bizarre to look at than Steven Tyler. Less expensive than Elton John. We honestly thought that Jennifer Lopez had all the qualifications necessary to really make the American Idol judge’s table her own.

But now we’re being told that Jennifer Lopez is out of the picture. Why? People reports:

Jennifer Lopez won’t be a judge on American Idol after all, according to a source close to the situation. The singer-actress had been closing a deal to be a permanent judge on the show for its upcoming 10th season but the deal fell apart. “Her demands got out of hand,” says the source. “Fox had just had enough.”

But of course. Her demands got out of hand. We forgot that Jennifer Lopez was Jennifer Lopez for a second there. We don’t know what these demands were but, on the basis that Jennifer Lopez is Jennifer Lopez, we’re fully expecting them to include the following:

* 24 dressing rooms, all painted an identical shade of white.

* The American Idol studios to be attached to a thermostat in her mind, so that she and she alone can control the temperature.

* To be called ‘Ms Lopez’, ‘Madame Lopez’, ‘Our Lord The Almighty Ruler’, or ‘Sugartush’ depending on her mood.

* The weekly Ford performance to be ditched and replaced by a performance promoting whatever her last film was. Also, cups of Coca-Cola to be scrapped so that all judges can sip from giant cups of Jennifer Lopez Sunkissed Glow perfume.

* To never be looked at in the eye. By anyone. Including cameras. When Jennifer Lopez speaks, cameras are instead to focus on one of Randy Jackson‘s elbows.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter

You read that right. Fox bigshot Peter Rice says many reports about the future of American Idol are accurate.

What does that mean? Well, it means that Jennifer Lopez will probably be a judge this year. And it means that Kara DioGuardi probably won’t be a judge this year. It also means that Steven Tyler from Aerosmith will become a new judge, and that Aerosmith will re-record the show’s theme-tune and – to fit with Tyler’s diction – American Idol will be renamed Ammarricuh IdOWWW!, and that HD will be switched off for the duration of each episode so that Steven Tyler’s bizarre old lady face won’t cause America to burst into unstoppable fits of terror-sobs whenever it appears.

We may have made some of these things up. But, hey, since we’re reporting them, and all American Idol reports are accurate, they must be true. FOR THEY HAVE BEEN PROPHESISED.

So here’s what we think we know about this year’s American Idol so far: Ellen DeGeneres is gone and will probably be replaced by Jennifer Lopez, who is just like Ellen except heterosexual and unfunny. Kara DioGuardi is probably leaving and will probably be replaced by Jessica Simpson, who is just like Kara except blonder and marginally less clever. And Simon Cowell‘s absence will probably be replaced by Steven Tyler, who would look identical to Simon if Simon was nine million years old, female and lived inside an industrial sandblaster.

And Randy Jackson will still be there, shouting the word ‘dog’ to nobody in particular like a confused toddler.

How do we know all this? Simple – it’s because Fox Entertainment Chairman Peter Rice has indicated that many of the reports about American Idol‘s future are basically true. MTV reports:

Rice said he couldn’t provide an update on the ongoing negotiations, except to say that “no one has signed a deal on either side of the camera who wasn’t on the show last year.” As for the Lopez, DioGuardi and Tyler whispers, he offered cryptically, “much of the information that has been written is accurate,” but added that some of the reports have also been “widely inaccurate.”

But however true these reports are, it’s important that American Idol hurries up and sorts out its judging crisis as quickly as possible. Because only then can the show get down to what it’s good at – advertising Ford and Coca-Cola with such ferocity that you fear you’ll be visited by a pack of goons and set upon if you don’t go out and buy a Ford or some Coca-Cola THIS INSTANT.

Oh, and singing. But mainly the Ford and Coca-Cola thing.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter

Remember when we told you that American Idol‘s dream judges included Elton John and Justin Timberlake?

You do? Good. And remember when you thought that Elton John and Justin Timberlake would never judge American Idol because, even by Simon Cowell‘s standards, they’d both be too ridiculously expensive? Also good. Now think to yourself – if you had to pick a judge for American Idol who was less famous than Elton John and Justin Timberlake, and so desperate for work that they’d probably do it on the cheap, who would you pick? Jennifer Lopez? Funny, that’s exactly who the American Idol producers have reportedly picked, too.

Not to replace Simon Cowell, you understand. Jennifer Lopez will replace Ellen DeGeneres. She’s left too. Did we mention that? We meant to.

Make the most of these next few days, American Idol fans, because they’re bound to contain all the excitement of the actual show without any of the danger that some gormless crosseyed nitwit with too many teeth will pop out of nowhere and start whooping about how brilliant Ford cars are and how delicious Coca Cola is until you’re overcome with a sudden compulsion to burn all of your possessions and go and live in the woods.

In other words, the American Idol judging drama has continued. The story so far is that Simon Cowell left and the the producers are toying with the idea of sacking everyone else and replacing them with famous singers. Since then, Ellen DeGeneres has decided to leave American Idol and it looks very much like Jennifer Lopez will be taking her place. MTV reports:

Lopez has officially inked a deal to join “Idol” and the announcement was being kept under wraps until DeGeneres’ exit was made public. Lopez’s manager Benny Medina set up a meeting with “Idol” producers and the singer’s camp has been negotiating the deal for about a month.

That’s great news – Jennifer Lopez will be the perfect American Idol judge. Especially when it comes to comforting the eliminated contestants because, having been dropped from her record company earlier this year, she’ll be able to relate to the sting of bitter rejection better than anyone. Obviously it won’t be an entirely painless transition for Jennifer – she would have much rather replaced Randy Jackson, because his seat will have more pronounced buttock-grooves embedded in it – but she’ll be fine.

And there’ll be more new judges coming soon, if rumours emanating from American Idol HQ are anything to go by. Apparently Jennifer Lopez will soon be joined by Jessica Simpson and Steven Tyler. So that means the producers are now shelling out for Jennifer Lopez’s faded popstar glamour, Jessica Simpson’s babbling incomprehensibility and Steven Tyler’s bizarre physical appearance. Seriously, they could have got all that from just re-hiring Paula Abdul. Talk about inefficiency.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter

When YOU think of Jennifer Lopez, all you see is a massive, ridiculously engorged bottom.

This is because you are a pervert.

When WE think of Jennifer Lopez, we see an angelic figure promoting world harmony, a Churchillian presence preaching peace between nations, and a colossus bestriding the world’s political hotspots like some kind of gargantuan Henry Kissinger. And then, admittedly, a ginormous arse.

Well, we’re right and you’re wrong, because Jennifer Lopez has just cancelled – for political reasons – a planned gig in the part of Cyprus illegally occupied by Turkish forces since 1974. But don’t fret: we hear that North Cyprus has booked Susan Boyle as a replacement to come in and shake her sexy booty for the citizens. Huzzah!
Here’s the background: Jennifer Lopez, the international agent of peace and celebrated shaker of trunkjunk, had agreed to a $3 million contract to sing her songs and fling her buttcheeks around the stage at the opening of a new luxury hotel in Northern Cyprus this month.

However – and we have no idea how this escaped the attention of the American Ambassador For Astronomical Asses – it turns out that Northern Cyprus is a bit of a political hotspot. The place was invaded by Turks in 1974 and rather than bringing that country’s traditional gift of delight, they actually turned up with guns, grenades and a desire to stay here for quite some time, thanks very much.

A Facebook campaign was – with terrifying inevitability – launched, and pretty soon Jennifer Lopez’s publicity people decided to cancel her appearance within the disputed land. Her PR folk chirped:

“Jennifer Lopez would never knowingly support any state, country, institution or regime that was associated with any form of human rights abuse.”

Well good for you, Jennifer Lopez. Though of course, it does mean an end to your lucrative tours of the USA. What’s that? Why?

Er, Jennifer Lopez, have you not heard about the USA’s stockpiling of nuclear weapons? About its invasion of foreign countries which pose no realistic threat to their own? About its sequestering of suspected POWs in conditions which would shame an Alabama puppy farm? About the very bedrock document of its country declaring that black people are less than human? Oh, you have heard all that, Jennifer Lopez? But you believe that the USA is infallible, and that only foreigns can be genuinely bad people?

Fair play then, love. You get out there and shake that bootay all across your glorious nation, you flirtatious advocate for international accord, you.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter