Let’s play Good News/ Bad News. Bad news: there’s a Jennifer Lopez sex tape. Good news: it doesn’t star Ben Affleck.

Bad news: it does star Jennifer Lopez. Good news: you won’t be seeing it any time soon. And it might not be a sex tape. And it might not even star Jennifer Lopez. But Jennifer Lopez has decided to get it blocked anyway, just on the off-chance that it really does contain depictions of her vast posterior jiggling up and down on top of a bloke somewhere.

Just to reiterate, though, it definitely doesn’t star Ben Affleck. So you might lose your dinner by watching it, but at least you’d keep your eyesight.

Getting romantically linked to Jennifer Lopez really doesn’t seem like it’s worth the bother. For starters, if you marry her you’re statistically quite likely to get divorced from her again within about six months, plus there’s a strong chance that she’ll make you star in a film with her, and the film will be awful and you’ll have to grow a beard and start directing just to escape the all-encompassing shame that comes from knowing that Jennifer Lopez made you star in one of her crappy films. Yes, Ben Affleck, that was directed at you.

Worst of all, though, Jennifer Lopez won’t even let you release your private sex videos of her once she’s dumped you, the massive cow. Just ask her ex-husband Ojani Noa.

You might remember Ojani Noa as the man who married Jennifer Lopez, then divorced her and tried to write a tell-all book about what she was like at sex, or something. Unfortunately, thanks to a nondisclosure clause in their divorce settlement, Ojani Noa is forbidden from discussing anything that happened during his marriage, and Jennifer Lopez successfully sued him. But Ojani isn’t a man who likes to rest on his laurels, which is why he’s spent the last few weeks pitching a film around called How I Married Jennifer Lopez: The J.Lo and Ojani Noa Story.

The film is apparently a mockumentary about Noa’s short-lived marriage to Jennifer Lopez, and how she allegedly cheated on him. But it seems as though Jennifer Lopez is worried that it’ll be one of those brilliant mockumentaries where you get to see explicit home movies of the subject having real sex, which is why she’s already got the movie blocked. E! Online reports:

Today, Los Angeles Superior Court Judge James C. Chalfant agreed to keep the movie on lockdown until a further hearing on whether to make the injunction permanent. Chalfant will also decide whether to grant a request by [Lopez's] attorney to review all video material, sexually explicit or otherwise, Noa and his manager/producing partner Ed Meyer plan to shop around.

This news would seem to suggest that, even if Ojani Noa didn’t plan to include it in his stupid little movie, there really is a Jennifer Lopez sex tape knocking around somewhere and she’s scared it’ll be leaked against her will. That’s terrible news – it sets up a potential scenario where viewers will one day have the choice of watching Jennifer Lopez in engaged a shameless, humiliating bout of vanity gone awry to her eternal regret, or something that isn’t Maid In Manhattan. Horrific.

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Celebrities are rebels, we don’t need to tell you that. You’ve seen them, with their breast augmentations and their drugs parties – sticking two fingers up at convention.

We’re used to their madness. Or, at least, we were used to their madness. This summer has unleashed a whole new crop of famous rebels, collectively known as ‘the women who refuse to get ugly’.

Most of them have burst into their 40s or thereabouts daring to still be completely sexually attractive. Unheard of in years gone by. But there they are, with their “bikini bodies” – which, by the way, are much more palatable and less revolting than your standard “evening gown bodies” – refusing to go away quietly and slowly lose their looks, before surfacing as a freedom fighter, in the manner of hideous old women like Joanna Lumley and Bridget Bardot.

Here are the four most appalling offenders…

1. Cindy Crawford

Cindy Crawford was gorgeous in the 1980s, despite her terrifying facial disfigurement, which took the shape of a very pronounced mole on her top lip. Normally people would cover their eyes in disgust at such a freak show, but her astonishing good looks allowed bitter prejudice to be put aside, as she joined the elite group of supermodels, who could walk up and down in wonderful dresses like they owned the things. Now fifty or something, she still looks magnificently good, and has totally ignored convention by continuing to wear skimpy bikinis on holiday.

2. Sadie Frost

Yeah, you know Sadie Frost. She’s the woman who bore numerous will-be Peaches Geldofs with Jude Law and the one from Spandau Ballet. And if the rumours are true, she’s survived the years on a strict diet of salad, hard drinking and narcotics. At one stage she was at the centre of the fashion trend of having gloopy globules of white in the corner of each nostril on a night out. And now she’s been spotted wandering the soft white beaches of sunny Ibiza in sunbathing clobber, and she looks really sexy. But she’s 44! Forty-bloody-four! She should be withered and crow-like.

3. Jennifer Lopez

When Lopez strode onto the scene in the late 1990s, it was her mighty great arse that really made her stand out from the pack. It defied logic, this taut fleshy boulder proudly protruding from her toned skinny body. But the sisterhood didn’t panic. They cackled and muttered something about how it might look good now, but give it a few years and that thing will be like two carrier bags of cold stew hanging from a vagrant’s waist. But there it is, 40 years old, and still as solid as Barry McGuigan’s punchball.

4. Elle McPherson

Australians normally have faces like an old leather handbag by the time they hit 30, and yet Elle has still got a wonderful smile and smooth skin. Of course, she was known as The Body in the 1980s – an original nickname, coined because she had a nice body – but people suspected that come a certain age, and The Body might be better known as The Revolting Body. Not so. Now veering dangerously close to her 50s, she can still rock a bikini like a woman nearly half her age.  This, predictably, has made grown men hate their stupid ugly wives.

More like this? You’d better go and see Josh’s website Interestment then, hadn’t you?

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Ever since gorgeous Marilyn Monroe stepped out with George-Formby lookalike Joe DiMaggio, a handful of famous stunners have continued the trend of unveiling their new boyfriends to the sound of a thousand showbusiness journalists dry puking whilst attempting to write short hand.

Surely the rules dictate that great looking people should stick to their own kind, not dabble in the swamp waters of the ugly pool? Not so, say these five beautiful rebels…

Jennifer Lopez

Recently back on the acting circuit having forced some babies out, Lopez has dazzled with her looks for years. Her face is nice, she’s got hair even silkier than a silk worm’s pocket, and she started the taut-stomach-gargantuan-arse trend that has swept the planet. Good for her. She must be married to a male model or George Clooney or something, right? Actually no, you’re way off. Totally ignoring convention, Jennifer Lopez chose to avoid humans altogether, and instead married a talented singing rat, sweetly known as Marc Anthony – not to be confused with the Ancient Roman statesman, who, by the way, was probably quite hot.

Julia Roberts

Hey, that Julia Roberts is one heck of a gal. Anyone who saw her playing the slutty young prostitute who’d do absolutely anything but kiss on the lips probably found out to their detriment that prostitutes do not look like Julia Roberts. And plenty of them do actually kiss on the mouth. Serious Pretty Woman plot-holes aside, in real life, Roberts spent the mid-90s married to a crack-whore-alike called Lyle Lovett. One of the few living humans who would actually come out better in a cartoon caricature, Lovett only managed two years with the actress, before she cited “career demands” as her made-up reason for wanting a divorce.

Christina Aguilera

Some of the notes that Christina Aguilera can hit are fantastic, we especially like it when she’s really working an E sharp, and her lips start quivering while she sings. It was a technique first introduced by Whitney Houston in the 1980s. Unfortunately, the Whitney comparisons end right there, because while Houston snared a hottie like Bobby Brown, Aguilera has veered disturbingly off piste, and is now married to  a mole-faced teenager called Jordan Bratman. At first sight, the celebrity world bit their collective lips, nodded politely and attempted to smile, but when Christina mentioned that the pair like to spend their Sundays naked, small chunks of sick were universally coughed out.

Natalie Portman

Natalie Portman is a wonderful looking girl, and aspirational – after all, girls, she’s both beautiful, business savvy, and she went to a polytechnic. That’s one hell of a chick. Plus in Closer, which was an appalling film, she buoyed everyone’s spirits by slipping on a pink hair piece and wiggling her bottom. Like these other girls, she should obviously be going out with a real hunk. And yet, she once enjoyed many sweaty evening dripping hot candle wax onto Devendra Banhart’s hungry wolf-like thighs. For those who haven’t a clue who Devendra is, he’s Siavash’s hairier counterpart.

Lily Allen

If it’s true that it’s who you are on the inside that counts, Lily Allen might actually be slightly punching above her weight with her doughy faced boyfriends. But, as it, is, this list is judged on outward beauty alone, which, in this case, makes Lily Allen really quite good looking. Hence, you’d expect her to be dating an equally good looking pillock, like that Kris guy who was on Big Brother, or someone wearing tight jeans pretending to be on heroin. But no, her type appears to be middle-aged chubsters who could probably do a decent impersonation of the fat man taking a cannon ball in the belly. Like the one from the Chemical Brothers, for example.

For more of this gold, visit Josh’s sterling website Interestment.

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Marc Anthony probably gets sick of only being known as Jennifer Lopez’s husband, so he’s branched out.

He’s his own man now. His own man with his own stake in the Miami Dolphins, which is like a basketball team or something. Being a part-owner in a gigantic sport franchise like the Miami Dolphins will allow Marc Anthony to come out of Jennifer Lopez’s shadow. It’ll let him be his own man. It’ll allow the world to see that he’s not just a henpecked, put-upon husband to a frighteningly dominant woman.

Marc Anthony announced the news yesterday with Jennifer Lopez. Naturally.

At the start of the year it was rumoured that Marc Anthony and Jennifer Lopez were on the verge of splitting up, and that they’d announce their divorce on Valentine’s day. And that didn’t happen. If you ask us, it’s just another sign that the lazy media is only interested in distorting the truth and creating ugly lies for maximum attention, no matter whose lives get destroyed in the process. And we’ve had enough of it. We’ve had enough of these vultures preying on Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony with their little boxes of evil lies. We’ll have no more part in it.

And so no, despite the ‘rumours’ you may have heard perpetuated in the so-called ‘media’ that Marc Anthony has bought a minority stake in the Miami Dolphins, we’re here to tell you that they’re all lies. All vicious lies designed exclusively to rip poor Marc Anthony apart. You make us sick, media.

Now admittedly they’re lies backed up by several photos of Marc Anthony and Jennifer Lopez happily waving Miami Dolphins shirts around at a press conference, and recorded footage of Marc Anthony and Miami Dolphins owner Stephen Ross announcing that Anthony had purchased a stake in the team, and the unequivocal fact that Marc Anthony has definitely, without question, bought a stake in the Miami Dolphins. But they’re still lies. We hate the media. Ugh, the media.

Look at this collection of lies that the Miami Herald has stitched together as a quote attributed to Marc Anthony from yesterday’s press conference:

“I could quite possibly be staring at the first day of the rest of my life. That’s quite exciting at this stage of the game. I’m a little nervous. I’d rather sing. That’s much easier to me. It’s a storied franchise, a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. I’m going to try to make it to my seat because my knees are a little weak.”

Ugh. Just because Marc Anthony definitely said those exact words in that order into a microphone at a press conference yesterday, it doesn’t mean any of it actually happened. God, the media makes us want to vomit blood sometimes. There isn’t even a team called the Miami Dolphins. We checked. It’s all lies.

Then again, on the off-chance that it is true, we’d like to congratulate Mr Anthony on his wise investment. May your part-ownership of the Miami Dolphins be a profitable one. Now hurry up and get divorced.

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You know what that means? That Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony care about Barack Obama enough to perform in Washington on the night of his inauguration? No way! It means that Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony are deliberately showing the world a sincere display of their love for one another to fight claims that they’ll get divorced on Valentine’s day.

So, OK, Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony won’t get divorced on Valentine’s day. May bank holiday it is, then. Set your watches, kids.

If there’s one lesson that we choose to live our lives by, it’s this: never, ever underestimate Jennifer Lopez’s ability to make it all about herself. It’s a lesson that’s served us well so far in life, and it’s the sole reason why we didn’t fall backwards off our chair gagging and spluttering and clawing at our face last night.

Because last night Jennifer Lopez outdid herself. Last night, Jennifer Lopez managed to make the inauguration of the first black president in the history of America all about her. And that takes some doing – believe us, we tried.

You see, while the rest of the celebrity world celebrated the inauguration of Barack Obama by either promising to not be a shit mum on his behalf or – in the case of Aretha Franklin – wearing a silly hat and singing a bunch of free-associated words to the tune of God Save The Queen, Jennifer Lopez decided to show the world that she probably wasn’t going to get divorced from her husband Marc Anthony as quickly as everyone thought.

There’s been a lot of speculation that Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony are going to get divorced in a little over three weeks – speculation substantiated by Jennifer’s appearance at the Golden Globes last week, where she dressed in little more than a a sparkly hanky and didn’t have her wedding ring on. And that’s why, with the entire world watching, Jennifer Lopez last night decided to set the record straight by singing a loving duet with Marc Anthony at an inauguration ball. People reports:

The crooner completed his inaugural performance by bringing “my wife,” Jennifer Lopez, on to the stage with him, for a duet… Earlier in the evening, Anthony had said, “I wrote this next song about Jennifer. I must have been psychic.” The song was his decade-old “You Sang to Me.” The couple ended their duet with a kiss. “Man, she’s cute,” Anthony said after Lopez exited the stage.

There’s nothing about this story that isn’t completely adorable. The slightly-too-long-for-the-sake-of-photographers kiss, the hamfisted verbal reassurance that Marc Anthony still finds Jennifer Lopez attractive, the way he dedicated You Sang To Me to her, the way he also dedicated the follow-up song I’m Keeping The TV You Dreadful Bitch. All of it, adorable from beginning to end.

And, we have to admit, it worked. We no longer believe that Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony are getting divorced. Well, we do, but but we promise to look surprised when it happens. We think that’s what they want, anyway.

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It’s true. It’s why everyone is predicting Jennifer Lopez’s imminent divorce from Marc Anthony because she turned up to the Golden Globes on Sunday wearing three scraps of gold lame that left her back naked. Obviously the divorce can’t be confirmed until we’ve seen at least one buttock and partial sideboob, but it’s enough for now.

Plus, you know, Jennifer Lopez wasn’t wearing a wedding ring at the Golden Globes either. That probably helps too, in retrospect.

Jennifer Lopez, it’s fair to say, is rubbish at keeping secrets. She tried to keep her pregnancy secret, remember, even though she spent months waddling around like a badly inflamed Weeble. And all that stuff about her still being Jenny from the block? If that’s not a cackhanded cover-up to disguise the fact that she’s a rampantly egotistical millionaire control freak then we’ll be a monkey’s uncle.

The latest of Jennifer Lopez’s woefully-kept secrets, however, is the perilous state of her marriage to rat-faced Latin star Marc Anthony. If reports are true, then Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony will announce their divorce on Valentine’s day, presumably because they’re both actually insane.

But that’s just a rumour. It’s not as if Jennifer Lopez has done anything to fuel the fire, is it? She hasn’t, say, turned up at an internationally-broadcast awards ceremony without her wedding ring while dressed in a frock so barely-there it may as well be a sandwich board reading ‘Are you the next Ben Affleck? Apply within’, has she?

Oh wait, now we come to think of it, that’s the exact thing that Jennifer Lopez did during Sunday’s Golden Globes. Silly us. Still, at least her dress didn’t have gold-on-gold tiger-style accents. That really would be the kiss of death to her marriage. The New York Daily News reports:

Since her 2004 marriage to Marc Anthony, Jennifer Lopez has gone conservative (by her standards), ditching her notoriously flashy clothes for duds with more coverage. But at the Golden Globes, good ol’ Jenny from the block was back with a vengeance. Lopez sauntered down the red carpet in an extremely low-cut, backless Marchesa gown blinged out with gold-on-gold tiger-style accents.

NOOOOOOOO! It’s over! It’s all over! Jennifer Lopez is definitely getting divorced from Marc Anthony! There’s no way around it!

But, come on, let’s all pull ourselves together. Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony are getting divorced, but what does that mean? Well it means we’ll have to say goodbye to the Jennifer Lopez/ Marc Anthony joint tours and the hopeless Jennifer Lopez/ Marc Anthony movie biopics of people who nobody cares about. Somehow we think we’ll cope.

But it’s not all bad news. After she divorces Marc Anthony, the old Jennifer Lopez is bound to resurface. You know, the one who dresses like a chav at a wedding, makes endless identical romantic comedies that all seem to co-star Matthew McConaughey and releases album after album of reedy, watered-down R&B music that she assumes the kids will like even though she’s old enough to be the kids’ mother now.

OK, it is all bad news. Sorry for misleading you.

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Alright, Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony made horrible music together. And some genuinely terrible films. But at least they looked happy, and that’s what’s important. Except that they’re probably not happy, since they’ve both been seen without their wedding rings lately, sparking rumours of an impending divorce.

Apparently it’s all because Jennifer Lopez thinks Marc Anthony is too controlling – plus Marc is furious about that time he got sucked halfway up J-Lo’s bumhole when she bent over and created a giant vacuum.

Jennifer Lopez loves marriage. You can tell because all her films are about marriage. The Wedding Planner, Monster-In-Law, harrowing domestic abuse drama Enough – hopelessly romantic pro-marriage gigglefests each and every one.

But in case you’ve decided that you’ll never watch a Jennifer Lopez movie for fear that halfway through you’ll go mad, pull out your eyes and get led from the cinema by paramedics with a delighted look on your face, you’ll still know how much Jennifer Lopez loves getting married. This is because Jennifer Lopez gets married all the bloody time.

In her time, Jennifer Lopez has been married to that man she sued because he wrote a book about her, a sort of Federline-lite named Chris Judd and, most recently, Marc Anthony. And, like many people, we assumed that Jennifer Lopez would stay with Marc Anthony forever.

This is because Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony are inseparable – they make films together, they go on tour together, they have babies together – and also because, when they stand side-by-side, Marc Anthony’s weird ratty face diverts people’s attention away from Jennifer Lopez’s gigantic planet-sized buttocks. Really, they are the perfect fit.

Except they might not be. Reports are suggesting that Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony are on the cusp of divorce. According to Newsday:

The hullabaloo began when Us magazine posted a story online noting that Lopez attended a movie premiere without her 8-carat diamond engagement ring, her wedding band – or her husband. Anthony, meanwhile, was reportedly seen in Las Vegas a week earlier, without his wedding band. “He’s very, very controlling of her.” a close Anthony pal told Us. “The skirts aren’t as short. You don’t see so much of that booty anymore.”

For what it’s worth, both Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony say that their marriage is fine, which could mean a) their marriage really is fine and they both just had to take their wedding rings off because of residual finger-swell stemming from the time that they were both attacked by hand-obsessed adders in their sleep or b) they’ll be divorced by Easter.

Either way, it’s terribly sad news. Terribly sad because Jennifer Lopez has a nasty habit of making films with people she’s romantically involved with and, if she divorces Marc Anthony and takes up with someone else, that all but guarantees that Jennifer Lopez will make another film. Haven’t we all suffered enough, Jennifer? Haven’t we?

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But if there’s another thing that Jennifer Lopez loves, it’s getting married. Jennifer Lopez loves getting married so much that she’ll quite off marry someone completely unsuitable just so she can divorce him and get married to someone else a few months later.

However, Jennifer Lopez made quite the schoolboy error when she married Marc Anthony – a man she actually seems to quite like. Because now it looks like they’ll never get divorced and Jennifer Lopez won’t be able to feed her compulsive marriage addiction. Unless, of course, Jennifer Lopez opted for the methadone of the wedding world instead, and just pointlessly renewed her vows to Marc Anthony instead. So she’s done that.

Jennifer Lopez, as we think we probably just stated, loves weddings. She loves weddings so much that not only does she have it written into her contracts that all her movies have to end with a wedding regardless of whether they’re romantic comedies, revenge dramas about domestic abuse or weird bits of nonsense about her flying around inside a serial killer’s comatose brain.

Jennifer Lopez loves wedding so much that she’ll marry anyone. Literally anyone. People who’ll write books about her after they divorce, no-mark backup dancers. Anyone. Literally anyone. Well, not Ben Affleck, obviously. She’s not mental or anything.

Despite this, though, Jennifer Lopez seems to have found her soulmate in Marc Anthony. They do everything together – go on tour together, procreate together, make bad films together. Raise dogs to allegedly attack air stewardesses together. It’s sweet. But it means that Jennifer Lopez is less likely to divorce Marc Anthony and marry someone else who looks even more like Gollum.

It’s a predicament and no mistake – on one hand there’s eternal happiness with a man she loves and on the other hand is a new box of wedding gift napkin rings. How’s a girl supposed to decide between those two?

So Jennifer Lopez has opted for a happy compromise – this weekend, she renewed her marriage vows with Marc Anthony in a weird double ceremony with New York Mets outfielder Carlos Beltran in Las Vegas. People reports:

Wearing a black dress, Lopez looked “beautiful” as 12 people witnessed the ceremony, the source said. “Her parents didn’t even see it because they were with the babies.” Following the nuptials, a butler opened a bottle of Dom Perignon champagne for the newly re-married couples.

If that’s not the definition of romance, we don’t know what is. Dumping your kids on your parents so you can publicly treat your marriage like an expired insurance policy even though you only got married about five minutes ago anyway? Nice.

Oh, we’re just jealous. Really, we’re thrilled for Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony. In fact, we think that they should go away somewhere exotic to renew their marriage vows every single week. Because that’d probably stop Jennifer Lopez from making any more bad films or songs, and that way we sort of all get something out of it.

We know. Marc Anthony is only 40. Weird, isn’t it? To look at his wizened old face we’d have thought that he was at least 80, or maybe 75 if he’d led an especially hard life. But no, Marc Anthony is apparently 40 and so Jennifer Lopez got to throw a party for him.

We don’t know how Jennifer Lopez does it. She’s the mother of six-month-old twins, she recently took part in a triathlon and she’s also thrown a party for Marc Anthony. How on earth does she manage it all? What’s that? Jennifer Lopez is a millionaire who can afford the best nannies, personal fitness trainers and party organisers that money can buy? Oh. We thought it might have been because of her bum or something.

Jennifer Lopez has had many men in her life. No really, she’s had loads of men. Loads of them. It’s borderline obscene. Ugh, Jennifer Lopez you dirty girl.

Anyway, none of these relationships have ever turned out to be very good. One husband tried to write a book about how Jennifer Lopez had sex until he was sued into submission. Other boyfriends have publicly declared their relationship with Jennifer Lopez to be the worst period of their lives. And, one poor unnamed sap lost his mind completely after being with Jennifer Lopez, and some say he can still be seen spinning round in his garden and screaming about politicians.

However, there is one man who Jennifer Lopez loves with all her heart, and that’s her current husband Marc Anthony. Jennifer and Marc do everything together – make substandard films, go on underwhelming tours, produce overpaid babies – and so it was always fair that, for Marc Anthony’s 40th birthday, Jennifer Lopez pulled out all the stops for a great big lovely birthday party for him.

Yes, this is news. Play along. People reports:

The party featured stripper Dita Von Teese, a salsa orchestra, mojitos and showgirls in feather headdresses,. The couple’s friends and family danced the night away, including Brooke Shields and husband Chris Henchy. Says Shields with a laugh: “Jennifer is amazing. I did a triathlon once in college but for me a triathlon is now eating, drinking and sleeping.” Adds pal Leah Remini, “The party is over the top. It’s pure Jennifer.”

Wow. Jennifer Lopez, Brooke Shields and the mouthy one from King of Queens all in the same room together. That sounds fun and not at all life-sapping. We’re sure Marc Anthony had a great time.

But still we think we understand the point of Jennifer Lopez’s party for Marc Anthony, and that point is ‘Hey, check Jennifer Lopez out!’ She’s a party organiser, a mother, an athlete, a wife, a singer, a dancer, an entrepreneur… is there anything that Jennifer Lopez can’t do?

What’s that? Star in films that don’t make us want to bludgeon our skulls in with housebricks? Yeah, that’s it. We knew there was something.

What makes us so sure of this? Because Jennifer Lopez has just taken part in a triathlon, that’s why. Jennifer Lopez has taken part in a triathlon and you’re slobbing around on the internet completely oblivious to the fact that your body’s slowly congealing into a giant dollop of jellied pork pie filling. And that’s a scientific fact.

What’s even more impressive is that Jennifer Lopez ran her triathlon yesterday despite only giving birth to twins six months ago. Not only does that show supreme dedication to fitness training on Jennifer Lopez’s part, but there’s also a nice little kickback for the twins, too – now, rather than breast milk, Jennifer Lopez lactates a mixture of sweat, Gatorade and an unusually concentrated dose of Epinephrine. Delicious!

Like many people, our one dream in life is to witness a triathlon completed by at least two members of the principle cast of 2001 romantic comedy The Wedding Planner. So imagine how infuriated we were yesterday when we realised that we were missing that exact thing. Infuriated enough to draw an angry face in our own poo on the wall of a public toilet, that’s how infuriated.

That’s because yesterday saw the Nautica Malibu Triathlon take place in, um, Malibu. And given that Malibu is where all the famous people live, it was only natural to see both Matthew McConaughey and Jennifer Lopez take part in it.

We’re going to basically ignore Matthew McConaughey – because, hey, why break the habit of a lifetime – and concentrate on Jennifer Lopez. Although fit enough to take part in a triathlon, thanks to her extensive training as a dancer and the way she’s deftly evaded Heather Mills and her vivisection roadshow for all these years, we shouldn’t forget that Jennifer Lopez has only just given birth to twins.

Talk about battling the odds. By rights Jennifer Lopez shouldn’t have come anywhere near completing the triathlon, given the physical and mental toll of childbirth alongside the fact that she has precisely the wrong body-shape for triathlons, thanks to her arse being so big that it a) drags along the ground during the running part, b) makes swimming feel like you’re dragging 17 tons of polystyrene behind you in a net tied to your colon and c) keeps getting snarled up in your back spokes.

But despite all this, Jennifer Lopez managed to finish the Nautica Malibu Triathlon in what we’re told is the fairly respectable time of just under two and a half hours. People reports:

The singer-actress was cheered on from the sidelines by husband Marc Anthony, who escorted her to a VIP area with his arm securely around her after she crossed the finish line, exhausted, but with her fists pumped in victory.

So congratulations to Jennifer Lopez, and double congratulations to her newborn twins. Now, when they’re old enough to go to school, they’ll be able to able to look their classmates in the eye and say that not only is their mother a world-famous singer and actress but also in the absolute peak of her physical condition.

And we’re sure that’s bound to make up for the fact that for the first six months of their lives Jennifer Lopez was probably too busy running around in circles and twatting around on a pushbike to notice they even existed, and that nursing on her teat must have been like trying to suck water out of a mound of powdered ash because of it. We expect.

Don’t worry about it too much though, because taking dogs onto planes has its downsides – like, for instance, when the dog goes berserk and bites a flight attendant and she falls over and hurts her back and can’t work and sues you for $5 million. That’s what a flight attendant is claiming happened when Jennifer Lopez took her German Shepherd on a flight, anyway.

The lawsuit hasn’t gone through yet, so we don’t know if this savage dog attack really happened or not. But if it did, good for Jennifer Lopez. $5 million is a small sum to pay so long as it reminds the flight attendants of the world that when Jennifer Lopez wants her complimentary peanuts, she jolly well wants them now.

She might be blissfully in love with the man, but Jennifer Lopez hasn’t exactly had an easy time of it since she’s been with Marc Anthony, has she? First she had to deal with a tenuous implication with a tax scam, then a tenuous implication with a heroin dealer, and then the flipping man went and knocked her up.

But if that’s not enough, Marc Anthony has also started legally registering dogs in his name that may or may not go on to savage a flight attendant’s leg two years ago. What a sick bastard he is.

Or what an unsick non-bastard he isn’t, depending on whether the German Shepherd he owns with Jennifer Lopez ruined the professional career of flight attendant Lisa Wilson by biting her in 2006 or not.

Wilson certainly thinks it did – in a $5 million lawsuit, she’s claiming that a German Shepherd that Jennifer Lopez took onto a plane in 2006 reared up and savaged her in the leg, causing her to fall over and bugger up her back enough to get time off work as a result. The New York Daily News reports:

At first, only Lopez, was named in the court papers. But now her husband Marc Anthony has been added as a defendant after lawyers for her said he is the registered owner of the dog, called Floyd.

You what the problem is, don’t you. It’s that Jennifer Lopez isn’t playing by the rules. As a celebrity, all dogs she owns have to be small enough to fit into a handbag. Not only do they look cuter that way, but if one attacks you, you can easily break its jaw off or fling it under the wheels of an oncoming train or something.

But a German Shepherd? That’s hardly fair at all – unless of course we’ve got the wrong end of the stick and Lisa Wilson was attacked by the German man employed to look after Jennifer Lopez’s sheep. If that’s the case we’re only happy to take it all back.

It seems clear to us that if celebrity dogs are really going to start attacking flight attendants on planes, then it’s only fair that the flight attendants should be allowed to bring their own wolves onto planes to retaliate. We’ve thought this through and, although the only logical outcome of this scenario involves aeroplanes full of bears and dinosaurs attacking each other, it really is the only sensible thing to do.

Either way it’s a mess. Let’s hope Jennifer Lopez learns from this experience and restricts her future contact with animals to the ones that she mutilates purely to annoy Heather Mills. That way everyone wins.

Why, only the other day, the people in the office next door had their radio playing too loud, so hecklerspray stormed over there and ordered them to turn it off.

They didn't listen, of course, but once we tipped that vial full of the Ebola virus into their coffee maker, they soon quietened down. After a few hours of tortured screaming and vomiting, that is. Still – it beat The Chris Moyles Show hands down.

We're just grateful, though, that we don't have to deal with stroppy diva Jennifer Lopez, whose sense of self-importance is now seemingly so large it may have to obtain planning permission simply to exist. She decided to go on a little shopping excursion to the Catherine Malandrino boutique on Manhasset’s Miracle Mile last week, you see, and members of staff have blabbed to Page Six magazine about what an unrepentant twat she was acting.

"Twat?" you mutter to yourself. "On what can you base that judgement, other than every news story that has ever broken about Jennifer Lopez, ever?" Well, kids – brace yourself. It turns out that Jenny might have left her manners at the block. And – knowing the poverty-stricken urban nightmareland she grew up in – they've probably been scrapped and sold for parts by now.

According to staff:

''She demanded the store be shut down for her to shop alone, but they said, 'Absolutely not.' Then one of her eight-person entourage, including two bodyguards with their guns showing, was yelling at the clerk that Jennifer gets a 50 percent discount.  Jennifer also tried on about a million outfits, then just threw it all in a pile in the dressing room and didn't buy one thing."

There you go, then. A crap pop star upsets some people by being rude.

Slow news day, anyone?

It seems only yesterday you were hangin’ with Puff Daddy with your corn rows and white jeans while he didn’t shoot Tupac. Then came the Ben Affleck phase, which cursed us all with morphing celebrity couple names into one obnoxious word, but you moved on to get married to a gaunt lizard man like Marc Anthony and have babies like we always hoped you would.

Well, looks like there’s nothing left for you to do. What’s that, Jennifer Lopez? You’re making a reality show? No. Listen carefully – there’s nothing left for you to do.

Admit it. You know the words to at least one Jennifer Lopez song. It’s okay. It’s not your fault, because Jennifer Lopez has gotten her mitts into all genres of entertainment and money making. There’s no avoiding the infestation to some degree. Our society owes a great debt to Jennifer Lopez for so many things: combining celebrity couple names like Bennifer, butt appreciation, new heights of studio-altered music, and an array of simply horrible movies. She even has her own fragrance line and whatnot. The smell of lilies and Marc Anthony’s embalming fluid have never really appealed to us, but to each their own.

Anyway, Jennifer Lopez seemed to slip under the radar somewhat after she married Marc Anthony and his apparent tax problems. Pictures of her would regularly surface of when she’d dare to take a quick rest from sucking in her stomach and the media would declare her as impregnated. Yawn. Where’s the Jenny from the block? The Jenny with spunk that will gladly perform live with her husband, showcasing her abysmal ability to sing live and still step out in public? And most importantly, where’s the sellout Jenny?

Oh. She’s right here. TLC has announced that Jennifer Lopez will help produce, create, and star in what is being referred to as a ‘docu-series’ which will demonstrate Jennifer’s ability to balance work, babies, and constantly keeping her husband away from direct sunlight and cloves of garlic. She’s a busy gal. The series is already in production, but an air date has yet to be announced

We wish Jennifer Lopez and her family the best with this new endeavour. Everyone knows that the best thing for a celebrity’s personal life is a reality show. Just ask Nick Lachey and his wife Jessica Simpson, or Carmen Electra and her husband Dave Navarro, or the drummer from Blink 182 and his wife, or any of the well adjusted kids from Laguna Beach and The Hills. Exploitation onward!

Read more:

Jennifer Lopez: Reality TV Star! – People

Chances are your minds have spent the last few weeks racing with worries about Jennifer Lopez's twins – do they have their mother's eyes? Do they have the right amount of fingers? Is one of them a bear? Were either of them born fully-qualified airline pilots – but now the truth is finally out.

The first pictures of Jennifer Lopez's twin babies have been published on the front cover of today's People magazine. And the good news is that, judging by the pictures, both of Jennifer Lopez's twins look perfectly fine – although if we were Marc Anthony might want a DNA paternity test just to clear up any lingering suspicion that Jennifer wasn't knocked up by a Boobah. Really, the resemblance is uncanny.

As if you didn't know, Jennifer Lopez gave birth to twins last month. In many ways, Jennifer Lopez was always going to a perfect mother – she'd been through a parade of men to find which would be the most suitable father for her children, suing some failed candidates and making others wish that they'd never met her, plus her gigantic arse is the ideal counterbalance for a papoose. What more could you ask for?

Six million dollars in cash? Why, yes, that'd help as well. So it's just as well that Jennifer Lopez signed an exclusive $6 million deal with People magazine for exclusive rights to her baby pictures. After all, Jennifer's love might not cost a thing but that's only because her love wasn't about to chew on her nipples until they're ragged and shit everywhere.

And now, finally, the photos of Jennifer Lopez's twins Maximiano and Emelina have finally been published in People magazine. It's hard to tell what the twins are like from one photo, but both babies appear to have their eyes closed, which suggests that Marc Anthony is off camera showing them their new garishly matching Roberto Cavelli velour tracksuits. Anyway, The Sun reports:

Jennifer Lopez proudly shows off her baby twins Max and Emme on the front cover of People magazine. The mag reportedly forked out £3million to get the first pictures of the twins, who are just four weeks old. New mum J-Lo is clearly besotted with her new arrivals, though she will be spending some time away from them when she starts filming new movie Love and Other Possible Pursuits later this year.

But let's not be too hasty with the praise for Jennifer Lopez here – true, she might have two healthy baby and an obscenely overpaid baby photo deal with a magazine, but let's not forget that selling baby photos to a magazine might cause untold psychological emotional damage to the babies themselves.

Look at Christina Aguilera, for example – everyone cared so little about her baby photos that it'll now have to struggle through its formative years with everyone knowing that it's a massive social reject. What if the same thing happens to Jennifer Lopez's twins? What if nobody buys this edition of People magazine? How will the babies cope?

We think they'll be alright. At the very least People has ensured that the magazine will have a higher circulation than if Marc Anthony and his weirdly gaunt spooked-out horror movie face was on the cover. It'd have been lucky to sell five copies if that happened.

Read more:

See first picture of J-Lo's twins – The Sun 

"Now just you wait a cotton-picking minute, you sarcastic internet upstart," you're probably roaring at the screen in the ill-informed belief that we can hear you, "They're not crap names like you said in the headline. In a world of Shiloh Nouvels and Bluebell Madonnas, Jennifer Lopez should be applauded for naming her kids something as low-key as Max and Emme."

To which we say, do you know what the twins' full names are? Maximiano and Emelina, that's what. Although that might change once someone informs Jennifer Lopez that she gave birth to human babies, not a fairytale witch and a Pokemon.

To look at her, you wouldn't think that Jennifer Lopez suited motherhood particularly well. Not only does she give off the appearance of being self-absorbed to the point of dementia, but – if any of her recent movies or singles are any indication – she would recognise an identifiable human emotion if it shat up her nose. Plus, by some desperately unfortunate twist of genetics, Jennifer Lopez was born with a child-bearing arse, and that doesn't solve anything. 

But it looks as if it's time for us to be proved wrong. Not only was Jennifer Lopez so concerned about her unborn pregnancy that she didn't announce it to anyone except that crowd of screaming Jennifer Lopez obsessives, but she's also such a loving protective mother that she didn't want to reveal the names of her newborn twins until all the hysteria surrounding it had died down.

Yes, apparently there was hysteria about Jennifer Lopez having a couple of babies. Must've been while we were asleep.

Anyway, now this hysteria – you know, the one that exists only in Jennifer Lopez's head – has gone away, she's decided to reveal that her twins are called Max and Emme, as E! Online reports:

J.Lo and Marc Anthony's newborn twins are—sweetly, simply—named Max and Emme, Lopez's manager, Simon Fields, confirmed to People Friday. The children were born Feb. 22 at a Long Island hospital, with Emme arriving at 12:12 a.m., weighing 5 pounds, 7 ounces, and her 6-pound little brother showing up at 12:23 a.m.

It is simple and sweet for Jennifer Lopez to call her twins Max and Emme. However, before the names were officially announced, an eavesdropping hospital worker apparently heard Jennifer Lopez calling the kids Maximiano and Emelina, so perhaps they're the full names. We've googled both names, and there's a sweet little explanation for each of them. Emelina is a Teutonic name that means 'busy and industrious' while Maximiano was obviously named after either a ropey brand of ice cream or one of the Megazords from a latter-day Power Rangers series.

But, anyway, back to this hysteria. Jennifer Lopez is probably right not to announce that Max and Emme were called Max and Emme immediately, because it's in their best interest to not experience any hysteria at all. After all, this low-key announcement means that Max and Emme can grow up to have normal, low-key childhoods. A childhood that starts with a $6 million exclusive global photo deal with a string of magazines. But that's OK. There's nothing hysterical about that.

Read more:

J.Lo Baby Names Announced – E! Online