Jennifer Aniston has grown tired of promoting her movies with endless barbed attacks on Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie.

So she’s moved on. However, Jennifer Aniston isn’t one to rest on her laurels, so she’s spent months devising an even more effective way to publicise her new movie Love Happens. And it’s brilliant. Banging on about her ex-husband all the time might be annoying, you see, but it doesn’t actually cause physical pain. But singing a song on TV? Bingo! That’s both annoying and excruciating!

The video’s after the jump. That’s not a reminder – more a stark, stark warning.

We can’t predict the future, but it seems like a fair guess to say that Jennifer Aniston’s new movie Love Happens won’t do particularly well at the box office. This is for several reasons, all of which we’re about to list to you…

1 - It’s called Love Happens, a title so cloyingly twee that producers may as well have just replaced it with a picture of a kitten in a child’s wellington boot.

2 - It’s got Aaron Eckhart in it, and anybody who’s seen No Reservations will know that he won’t rest until he’s made the absolute worst romantic film in the history of the moving image.

3 - The Love Happens trailer makes us want to vomit into a boxing glove, then freeze the boxing glove, then punch ourselves unconscious with the frozen vomit boxing glove.

4 - Jennifer Aniston hasn’t been promoting it by bleating on about how sad she is about Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie and every single possible aspect of her personal life.

That last one’s important. Nobody went to see Marley & Me or He’s Just Not That Into You because they were good films – they endured them because they knew that if the movies failed then Jennifer Aniston wouldn’t get as many chances to whine about how crappy her life is to magazines in toe-curling detail. The more she moans, the more people feel obliged to watch her films.

But Jennifer Aniston hasn’t been whining about anything to promote Love Happens. She’s trying a different tactic. She’s singing. On television. To Ellen DeGeneres. Look…

Oh, we’re being harsh on Jennifer Aniston. To be fair, the singing wasn’t horrible and she was ambushed into doing it. It’s not like she’s got such a high opinion of her own singing ability that she’s making a new film where she plays a singing prisoner, is it? Because, come on, that would be ridiculous. Oh, what’s that, Jennifer Aniston in the video above in the preamble to the actual song?

“Yes! I will sing and play a dobro. It’s the story of the first female country and western band… I play one of the singers.”

Son of a bitch.

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Of course Jennifer Aniston and Gerard Butler are a couple. Blind Albanian orphans could have predicted this one.

Although, to be fair, that does depend on your definition of the word couple. According to reports, Jennifer Aniston and Gerard Butler were seen strolling around hand in hand, but remember that acting is a very tactile profession. Other reports say that they’ve spent a lot of time in Jennifer Aniston’s trailer, but that could mean they were just learning lines.

And other reports suggest that Gerard Butler is Jennifer Aniston’s newest male co-star, in which case they’re DEFINITELY doing it.

To be a male co-star in a Jennifer Aniston film is to give yourself up to the powerful unseen forces of the media, who’ll bump and buffer you around with wild accusations that you’ve become romantically involved with her. It’ll damage your reputation, break your heart and leave you being scrutinised in a way that you’ve never been scrutinised before. On the plus side, though, you’ll probably get to have sex with Jennifer Aniston a bunch of times, so it can’t be all bad.

And that’s more or less the situation that Gerard Butler finds himself in now. For weeks there’s been speculation that he’s fallen for Jennifer Aniston on the set of The Bounty, and it’ll be a new experience for him. After all, he hasn’t had chance to woo his co-stars yet, because most of the people in 300 were men and his co-star in The Ugly Truth was Katherine Heigl, a woman who we assume chews off the head off her partner immediately after sex like those insects do.

So how will Gerard Butler play this? The steadfast refusal to comment? The angry denial? The, um, strolling round hand in hand with Jennifer Aniston looking all moony eyed? Oh. Yes. That one. The New York Daily News reports:

“Jen and Gerry went out on Saturday night,” said a source, who added that Aniston and Butler “had cocktails and … They were hand in hand.” However the actress’ rep, Stephen Huvane, says the co-stars spent the night out with friend. “Jennifer was out with many others from the film and they were not holding hands,” said her rep. “Gerry was one of the many people there.”

Oh, we’re so confused! Are Jennifer Aniston and Gerard Butler a couple or not? This is easily the most important question about two people who we’ve never met, have no personal investment in and often spend entire weeks not even thinking about that we’ve ever had! Someone has to tell us if it’s true or not!

What’s that? Wait for The Bounty to be theatrically released so that their flirtation can get a little more overt so that they can break up in public around the time that it comes out on DVD? Oh, OK.

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There’s a reason why Jennifer Aniston is one of the highest-earning actresses in Hollywood. No, not her hair.

No. Jennifer Aniston is so well paid is because she gets all the best-looking male co-stars. And why does Jennifer Aniston have the best-looking male co-stars? Because she has sex with them all. Definitely. It’s in her contract. “Must have sex with hunky co-star more than once, preferably while dressed as medieval Spaniards” it says.

Oh, alright, it doesn’t. But everyone thinks that Jennifer Aniston shags her co-stars. And that might explain why Gerard Butler has been looking so insufferably smug lately.

Jennifer Aniston needs to find a nice man to settle down with. And that’s not because we respect Jennifer Aniston as a person or feel personally invested in her happiness. It’s because writing about how she’s probably going with every single man who she’s ever been in a film with is starting to drive us a little bit potty.

First, obviously, there was Vince Vaughn and their lovely relationship that suspiciously seemed to last from the beginning of The Break-Up’s theatrical promotional cycle to the end of The Break-Up’s DVD promotional cycle. But that’s not all – Jennifer Aniston has also been linked with her He’s Just Not That Into You co-star Bradley Cooper.

And, although the rumours of an affair between Jennifer Aniston and Owen Wilson during the filming of Marley & Me turned out to be false, we do sometimes like to imagine that she fondled the dog in an act of drunken desperation once. Even though, for the sake of legal clarity, this almost definitely didn’t happen.

Anyway, now Jennifer Aniston is filming The Bounty with Gerard Butler, so… oh, look, we all know where this is going. Why don’t you take the 45 seconds that you would have otherwise spent reading the remainder of this article and do something productive? Phone your mother. Go and hold a door open for somebody. Ask your colleagues about their children. Honestly, you’ll feel much better for it.

No? Still here? Fine. Here’s what The Daily Mail thinks about this alleged Jennifer Aniston/ Gerard Butler romance:

A source on the set told the U.S. magazine Star: ‘Let me put it this way, they’re both hot and single! After they finish a scene, they stick around so they can hang out with each other. Neither is in a rush to leave. Jen and Gerard often practice kissing scenes even after the cameras stop rolling. Jen will say: “I think we need to do that again.” She says Gerard’s a great kisser.’

So here’s what we’ve learnt. Firstly, judging by that quote, The Bounty seems to be staffed exclusively by 12-year-old girls. Secondly, every time Jennifer Aniston makes a film, she gets romantically linked with whoever stars opposite her and, regardless of how true the stories are, they only really succeed in making her look progressively more desperate and lonely.

So, to reiterate, Jennifer Aniston needs to find a nice man to settle down with. Because if she doesn’t, there’s a slight chance that we might feel a fleeting moment of sympathy for her. And when that happens, it’ll bloody well be the end of us.

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Instead of a penis, Brad Pitt has a magic wand that brings fabulous wealth to anyone who he sticks it in.

It’s true. It is. OK, in all fairness it probably isn’t true. Chances are Brad Pitt does have a penis – but the bit about it making people rich is still true, though. Forbes has just published its list of Hollywood’s top-earning actresses, and the top two spots are taken up by Angelina Jolie and Jennifer Aniston.

We know what you’re thinking – where’s Juliette Lewis on the list? Look, not even Brad Pitt’s magic wand willy is that magic, OK?

If you need us at any point over the weekend, we’ll be at Brad Pitt’s house. You’ll be able to tell who we are – we’ll be dressed in a slinky frock like the one Bugs Bunny wears when he tries to woo Elmer Fudd, and we’ll be trotting up and down Brad’s driveway with half our bum hanging out and three packets of Rohypnol in our handbag.

Because, lord, look at the statistics. The last two people who Brad Pitt slept with were probably Angelina Jolie and Jennifer Aniston, and Angelina Jolie and Jennifer Aniston have just been named as the top two highest-earning actresses in Hollywood. So it’s definitely worth trying to have sex with Brad Pitt. True, we might end up being dealt a rubbish hand like Gwyneth Paltrow was and end up getting married to a whining gonk from a crap band, but that’s a chance we’d be prepared to take.

Because Brad Pitt must be the reason why Angelina Jolie and Jennifer Aniston have done so will in this Forbes list. He must be. Look at the films that Angelina Jolie and Jennifer Aniston have released in the last year – some cack about a dog, a gormless procession of slow motion explosions, a Ben Affleck film and an over-serious lot of piff that involved little more than wearing a hat and shrieking “Where’s my son?” seven hundred billion times in a row – you can’t seriously tell us that people liked any of those, can you?

But, hey, what do we know? Forbes reports:

Between June 2008 and June 2009, Jolie earned an estimated $27 million. Much of that came from her share of the profits on Wanted, but she also scored a fat upfront check for Salt. Coming in second behind Jolie is Jennifer Aniston. Aniston earned $25 million.

We should probably point out that there’s still a vast gender gulf when it comes to Hollywood earnings. Angelina Jolie might have earnt $27 million in the last year, but that’s nothing compared to the $65 million that Harrion Ford earnt in the same period of time. And he earnt it for Indiana Jones & The Kingdom Of The Crystal Skull. What sort of sick world is this?

But back to Angelina Jolie and Jennifer Aniston. What are they going to spend all their money on? Well, there’s a chance that Angelina Jolie will dedicate a portion of it to her various philanthropic works. And Jennifer Aniston? Well that army of winged monkeys won’t train itself to attack Angelina Jolie by smell alone by itself, will it?

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Oh thank goodness. We’ve been waiting for this. Ever since Angelina Jolie was named as the world’s most powerful celebrity, we’ve been waiting.

We’re referring to Jennifer Aniston’s crackpot retort, of course. And, on Friday at the Women In Film Awards, that retort finally came. Dressed in about three square millimetres of tinfoil, Jennifer Aniston hopped up on stage and – get this – told a self-deprecating joke about her love life. Take that, Brangelina!

Obviously Jennifer Aniston’s appearance and joke may have had little or nothing to do with Angelina Jolie whatsoever. But that’d be less entertaining, so shut up.

This endless back and forth struggle for attention between Jennifer Aniston and Angelina Jolie has got to stop before it spirals out of control. It’s getting crazy – first Angelina Jolie was named as the most powerful celebrity on Earth, then Jennifer Aniston tells a joke at an awards show. Then Angelina Jolie has to respond by sticking the knife in again via the medium of donating a million dollars to help treat children with cancer, only for Jennifer Aniston to go one better by wearing a fairly shiny dress. It’s madness. Actual madness.

And, yes, you might argue that Jennifer Aniston and Angelina Jolie aren’t constantly trying to top each other in public, and that this feud is an entirely fabricated media construct whereby anything said or done by Jennifer Aniston or Angelina Jolie gets twisted so that it looks like a part of an ongoing bitter squabble, and that the only logical way for this to end is for both Jennifer Aniston and Angelina Jolie to become actual reclusive life-long hermits. To which we say ‘Duh, that’s kind of the point. Stop spoiling it.’

But anyway, where were we? Oh yes, that’s it – Jennifer Aniston furiously lashed out at Angelina Jolie at the Women In Film Awards on Friday by wearing a short silver dress that showed off her boobs quite a lot and then telling a joke that didn’t reference Angelina Jolie by name at all and probably wasn’t even about her or anything. What a massive bitch.

According to People, when Jennifer Aniston won the Crystal Award for expanding the role of women in the entertainment industry on Friday, she made this crack:

“It’s funny — I kind of noticed a few years ago, there seems to be a strange parallel between the movies I’m doing and my life offscreen. It started with ‘The Good Girl,’ then of course ‘Rumor Has It,’ followed by ‘Derailed.’ Then there was ‘The Break Up.’… “If any of you have a project titled ‘Everlasting Love with a Stable Adult Male,’ I’m at table six and my agents are at table 12!”

It’s a nice joke, although Jennifer Aniston clearly forgot to mention her role in He’s Just Not That Into You, where the titular ‘he’ refers to any man who she’s starring in a movie with, except for the exact duration of the promotional cycle for that given movie, in which case he’s willing to appear to be into you quite a lot.

Anyway, let’s put aside this ridiculous, completely made-up Aniston/ Jolie feud to celebrate the fact that Jennifer Aniston has been recognised for her perseverance and determination to expand the gender-constricted roles found in the entertainment industry. It’s proof that – no matter how hard Hollywood tries to crush your feminist ideals – with a little hard work and a lot of dedication, you too might end up being able to beat the system by starring in a kid’s film about an adorably naughty little doggy-woggy. Inspiring stuff.

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Jennifer Aniston’s co-stars have every right to be scared. Star in a film with Jennifer Aniston and one of two things will happen.

Number one – you’ll do an Owen Wilson and attempt suicide. Number two – you’ll end up getting romantically entangled with her. We honestly couldn’t say which one of these sounds worse.

Luckily Bradley Cooper didn’t have this dilemma – he’s reportedly having it away with Jennifer Aniston, possibly right now. In fact, Bradley Cooper is being called Jennifer Aniston’s new Brad Pitt – so we’re especially looking forward to the moment where he leaves her for someone younger and prettier.

He’s Just Not That Into You was a great film, wasn’t it? Not for you, or for us, or for anyone else who actually paid money to go and see it – because if we had to put it in a pigeonhole we’d say it was more ‘relentless, unending torture seemingly doled out by a hateful god that’s left us with a litany of conspicuous emotional scars’ than ‘great film’ – but for Jennifer Aniston.

Because not only did He’s Just Not That Into You reaffirm Jennifer Aniston’s position as queen of really awful, objectively meritless films that would be more at home on daytime television, but it might have just found her a new boyfriend too. According to rumours, Jennifer Aniston and her co-star Bradley Cooper have been getting closer and closer lately. The New York Post reports:

Jennifer Aniston and Bradley Cooper sure did act strangely at Tuesday’s party for Aniston’s new flick, “Management,” at Table 8. He and Aniston flirted up a storm while Cooper’s ex, Jennifer Esposito, angrily drank Svedka near the bar. “Bradley and Jennifer [Aniston] were definitely into each other,” says a partygoer. “She kept touching his chest and whispering in his ear.” The pair left 10 minutes apart

Oh, this all happened at a party for Jennifer Aniston’s new movie? That’s such bad luck – it’s almost as if Jennifer Aniston can’t find love with a similarly high-profile celebrity unless she’s got a film coming out. There was Vince Vaughn with The Break-Up and John Mayer with Marley And Me, and now Bradley Cooper with Management.

It makes us sad for her – she’s got to spend the next few weeks going out of her way to promote this new movie any way she can, but now she’s lumbered with this handsome rising star that she appears to share a nonspecific romantic attachment with. Honestly, is the paparazzi really going to be interested in photographing something like that?

Still, though, we’d like to pass our best wishes onto Jennifer Aniston and Bradley Cooper. They’ve really got their work cut out for them – they’ve got to be photographed frolicking on a beach, then split up, then get back together, then almost get married, then grow suspicious of each others’ relationship with their respective exes and split up for good, and all by the time that Management gets released on DVD. They’ll barely be able to fit it all in – and we haven’t even mentioned the string of phantom pregnancies that Jennifer Aniston is bound to experience before then. What a nightmare.

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Guest blog! Amy Grindhouse!

Jennifer Aniston found an ingenious reason to break up with John Mayer. Rather than just dump him for being boring, the actress dumped her partner of just over one year because he had a Twitter addiction.

Yep. Since he is such a horrid musician and not quite as wealthy as some of his Hollywood peers, John had to settle for free micro-blogging service Twitter, rather than just indulge in online ‘adult entertainment’ like any other guy.

As she was quite disgusted that her partner had spent more time online tweeting with strangers than hanging out with her, Jennifer brought the world’s most unconvincing love affair to an abrupt end.

This was a thoroughly perplexing relationship. The pair had about as much chemistry together as any two of the Gossip Girl cast have when they get lumped together on-screen. Seriously, they probably did themselves a favour getting out of the loveless, presumably sexless and frankly dull relationship.

The only signifier that the pair were in a real relationship was that one could have gone grey and died of boredom chronicling their exploits. Real relationships are a snore. The most exciting thing they did together was dress in outfits that clashed, the one time they hit the red carpet together at the Oscars. All other signs pointed to what is commonly know by others with a poor grasp of grammar is a ‘fauxmance’ (as in fake romance).

The only time John was let out of the dungeon and allowed to be in the company of Jennifer for more than 20 seconds was when she had a film to promote. He therefore understandably found himself with copious amounts of time on his hands. Rather than man up and cheat on Jennifer like rumour mongers had accused him of anyway, John took solace in the loving arms of an online social network.

They presumably did not curl up into bed together, but the burgeoning relationship between John Mayer and his Twitter page was more potent and frankly more interesting than he ever managed to conjure in any relationship before.

John is certainly one of the more prolific celebrities present on Twitter. He writes updates every few minutes at times and shares everything from details of upcoming duets to the fact that one time he sat down funny and a particular private part of his anatomy fell asleep.

Being a bit late to the party, Jennifer discovered that Twitter was her ex’s new love and so she admitted defeat and accepted her fate as the world’s hottest spinster.

Reports of the feud should be taken with a pinch of salt as they conflict with initial reports that he left her and the news comes from fabulous trashy Star magazine. Star say that John pretending he was too busy to call and then spending hours per day online were the straw that broke the camel’s back:

“Every few hours, sometimes minutes, he’d update with some stupid line. And in her mind, she was like: ‘He has time for all this Twittering, but he can’t send me a text, an email, make a call?’ So she called him and ended it,” a source says.

This was a guest blog by Amy Grindhouse, who is wonderful.

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There was a time, probably in the 1980s and 1990s, when having a celebrity girlfriend would make you the coolest guy in the world.

After all, look at famous people – they’re so wealthy, so demure, their hair is so light and feathery. And how about the way they smell! Is that Chanel No 5? Probably, we wouldn’t know, because we’re just rubbish normal people. We wear Lynx.

What great days, but unfortunately times have changed, and the lines between famous people and normal people have now completely blurred, meaning that even former pop stars like Kerry Katona can date cab drivers, and all the money in the world can’t possibly help that poor sneery one from Girls Aloud. With that in mind, we thought we’d outline some famous people we wouldn’t go out with, even if they were really really keen on us…

1. Duffy


Sorry Duffy, but it’s a no. It’s hard to correctly locate what it is about Duffy that makes her so unappealing as a life partner. It could be that she appears to be lying about her age. Or it could be that she has the look of a woman who would spend entire evenings clinging onto you for dear life, only occasionally pausing to weep because you went to the toilet for three minutes and she thought you might have left her. A friend of ours also insists that she looks like she’d have really bad morning breath… all day.

2. Sarah Harding

Afraid not, Sarah Harding. Far too laddy, were you to introduce her to your friends, she’d insist in calling everyone ‘geezer’, and might even think it’s alright to break wind in front of you. After only a couple of meetings, even your most loyal friends would make excuses if they knew Harding was going to be out as well. A very very annoying young woman/man.

3. Jennifer Aniston

Please, Aniston, no is no. If only Jennifer Aniston hadn’t been caught draped alarmingly over Brad Pitt, with the look in her eye of a protective lioness guarding her young. Chances are, were you ever to get together, she’d have a wire tap on your phone within a month, and strange men in shades talking into their lapels following your every move. It’s all out of love, she’d tell you, driving a bread knife right into your lungs. Avoid.

4. Britney Spears

Just leave it, Spears. No one in their right mind could possibly be drawn to Britney, once such a kindly, virginal young woman. Her descent into complete insanity has been well documented, meaning that every time you introduced her to someone new, you’d have to take them to one side to explain that she’s really fine now, quite together actually. Oh, and surprisingly funny… yeah, really funny. Unfortunately, not one of those things would be true. Too nuts.

This has been  guest blog by Josh Burt from the plain wonderful Interestment. If you don’t go and read it this second, you’re a fool.

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Probably. And Vince Vaughn’s possibly-fictitious property fetish goes even further – not only do we expect that he often rubs his groin up and down the kitchen section of Habitat, but he’s also just got engaged to real estate agent Kyla Weber.

Amusingly, the details of Vince Vaughn’s engagement are spectacularly vague – but all that matters is that Vince Vaughn is happy. And also that Jennifer Aniston will have definitely railroaded John Mayer into getting engaged to her by teatime.

On the surface you might not think that Vince Vaughn and Charlie Sheen have a lot in common, but they do. For instance, neither one of them is quite as funny as they think they are, plus they both have high-profile exes who, while pretty, couldn’t be more needy if they were literally homeless. But most of all, both Vince Vaughn and Charlie Sheen have fallen in love with real estate agents.

Charlie got married to Brooke Mueller a couple of years ago, and now Vince Vaughn looks set to do the same – he’s reportedly got engaged to real estate agent Kyla Weber. The LA Times reports:

We heard that Vaughn had dropped to one knee and presented her a $125,000, four-carat ring on Valentine’s Day. No word on when or where the two will get married. Rumors are that they met while vacationing in Venice, Calif., or in Italy, possibly through a movie producer friend of Vaughn’s.

It’s this attention to detail that’s made us fall in love with this story. Vince Vaughn and Kyla Weber met in Venice, California. Unless they met in Venice in Italy. Or the Venice in Louisiana. Or the at the lunchtime all you can eat pasta buffet at the Little Venice restaurant in Basingstoke. Or at a concert by the big-in-Holland band Venice. Or at a meeting with Dennis Pennis. But definitely one of those. And definitely almost a month ago.

But what is it about moviestars and real estate agents that make for such a perfect coupling, anyway? Is it the way that both jobs call for sincerity and dedication? The fact that they’re both involved in businesses where things cost several times more than they’re actually worth? Or the way that moviestars are both incredibly rich and massively gullible because they’ve never actually lived in the real world, a combination that’s irresistable to most real estate agents?

In the end, though, it doesn’t really matter. What matters is that Vince Vaughn has, possibly for the first time in his life, fallen in love with someone who doesn’t constantly compare him to Brad Pitt or make him do a Tyler Durden voice when he talks to her on the phone or force him to pretend that he was in Meet Joe Black instead of the Psycho remake when he’s with her friends. And Vince Vaughn will almost definitely never have to go on Oprah to explain his relationship this time around.

And who knows? This engagement to Kyla Weber might even bring out a whole new side to Vince Vaughn. And if it’s a side that doesn’t spoil every single movie by babbling on like an unfunny stream-of-consciousness wiseguy, that’d be a wonderful bonus. Fingers crossed.

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9 - 24 Twitter birds, all of which are far lovelier than the original – Luclatulippe

8 – So HERE’s why U2 have been killing themselves promoting their new album – Popjustice

7 - And now, the world’s most exuberant Bon Jovi fan – Best Week Ever

6 - Some giant paper robots having a fight – Vimeo

5 - Want to make an Ottomon out of a suitcase? OK! - Instructables

4 - There’s a Twilight board game. We’re scared – The Hater

3 - Visual proof that Jennifer Aniston has left the country – Popsugar

2 - Apparently Danny Boyle is doing My Fair Lady next as well – EW

1 - How long before this appears on a commercial? Answers in milliseconds, please…

That’s right – Jennifer Aniston and Angelina Jolie. Last night’s Oscars marked the first time that Jennifer Aniston and Angelina Jolie had come within punching distance of one another for years.

They didn’t fight, but at least the Oscars producers tried their hardest. As Jennifer Aniston walked on stage, they instantly cut to a close-up of Angelina Jolie’s face. Then they told her that Jennifer thinks her Mum’s a slag before chanting the word ’scrap’ until Hugh Jackman got excited and passed out. We heard.

Forget all the hoo-ha about Slumdog Millionaire and Sean Penn and Hugh Jackman, because there was only one way to watch the Oscars popular this year – a full-on, hair-pulling, eye-gouging, vaguely-lesbian catfight between Jennifer Aniston and Angelina Jolie on the Oscars red carpet.

And it could have happened, too – as we’ve already reported, last night’s Oscars saw Jennifer Aniston and Angelina Jolie forced together in a way not seen since we read some disturbingly specialist fan fiction about them the other week.

Would Jennifer Aniston still be so filled with bitterness about her divorce from Brad Pitt that she’d fling herself at Angelina Jolie on the Oscars red carpet and start punching away? Would Angelina Jolie respond by turning her arm into a Terminator-style metal spike and pushing it through Jennifer Aniston’s skull? Literally about 12 people on the internet were breathless with anticipation.

However, while the long-awaited physical fight between Jennifer Aniston and Angelina Jolie didn’t transpire at the Oscars, that didn’t stop the producers from doing their best to give the people what they want. Last night, Jennifer got to introduce a segment with Jack Black and – as Oscars segment-introduction tradition dictates – Jennifer Aniston was nervous, stilted, awkward and unfunny for the duration of it.

So what one thing could compound Jennifer Aniston’s fear even further during her time on stage? That’s right, multiple close-ups of Angelina Jolie’s great big face. Fox News reports:

Oscar telecast producers panned to Brad and Angelina not once, but twice, as a visibly nervous Aniston did her schtick. In the first pan to Brangelina, Jolie was gamely guffawing as Aniston, whom Pitt left in 2005 in order to be with Jolie, hammed it up. In the second pan, the couple looked on with the bemused half-grins we’ve come to know from literally thousands of paparazzi pics over the past three years.

Depending on who you are, Angelina Jolie’s cutaway reactions to Jennifer Aniston will mean completely different things. Team Jolie will praise Angelina for smiling at Jennifer with grace and dignity, while team Aniston will think that Angelina was laughing at Jennifer’s discomfort like some sort of awful witch.

The truth? Nobody knows. What we do know, though, is that if producers really wanted to turn the Oscars into an episode of Jerry Springer, then they really needed to put a little triangle in the corner of the screen reading ‘Hey bitch, I stole your husband and we both think you’re an asshole’ while a podgy redneck whoops and takes his shirt off. And they didn’t even invite Tim Allen to the show as far as we know. A trick missed, Oscars, a trick missed.

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And sheer, unstoppable violence. After years of false starts and meticulously choreographed social planning, the Long-Awaited, Breathlessly-Anticipated And Borderline-Erotic Jennifer Aniston/ Angelina Jolie Catfight is due to take place at this Sunday’s Oscars.

What’ll happen when Jennifer Aniston and Angelina Jolie finally meet? We’re guessing either a) a full-on, bloody-nosed, hair-pulling fistfight, b) some sort of awkwardly curt nodded acknowledgement of one another or c) lesbian kissing. We know we speak for all men when we say: Woohoo! Go b)!

This year’s Oscars are going to be exceptionally important for both Angelina Jolie and Jennifer Aniston. Angelina Jolie is in line to win her first Oscar for almost a decade, while Jennifer Aniston is hoping to prove that she can get within 200 feet of Angelina Jolie without rugby-tackling her to the ground and trying to rabbit-punch her in the clodge.

It’s been years since Brad Pitt decided that he’d rather have hundreds of little brown babies instead of one white baby with a funny-looking chin and left Jennifer Aniston for Angelina Jolie, and yet Jennifer and Angelina have managed to studiously avoid each other like the plague since then – even if it meant cancelling public appearances.

But no more. No longer will Jennifer Aniston and Angelina Jolie be able to continue their weird little magazine proxy war, because on Sunday they’re going to meet. Face to face. At the Oscars.

And they’re bound to fight. They’re bound to. We hear that – upon sight of Jennifer Aniston – Angelina Jolie plans to shed her children and let them attack Jennifer like a tiny Cloverfeld-style infantry, although Aniston will make easy work of them by repelling them with her unusually shrill voice. And, at that point, Jennifer Aniston and Angelina Jolie will punch each other on the fist and explode into dust, like at the start of Rocky IV, and then we can all go home.

Or they’ll deliberately be sat at opposite ends of the auditorium and try to remain as dignified as possible because they’re both civilised people. After all, it’s not as if Angelina Jolie is Jennifer Aniston’s nemesis, is it? The Boston Herald reports:

“(Jennifer) has never been more ready to see her nemesis in the flesh… It’s important for Jen to feel she can stack up to Angelina with her dress, her hair, and her date (John Mayer),” a source told OK! Magazine. “And now couldn’t be better timing. (Jen) has always known this moment would happen… She’s no longer alone – she has a hot man in her life, John Mayer, and she plans to bring him as her date to the party.”

Oh, Angelina Jolie is Jennifer Aniston’s nemesis, then. Our mistake. In that case, this is going to be the bloodthirstiest Oscars EVER!

Who’ll win? Who’ll lose? To be honest we don’t care. So long as Ryan Seacreast gets smacked in the face with a stray shoe trying to break them up, we’ll be happy.

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9 - A lot of things you thought were true about videogames but are actually rubbish - UGO

8 – Clive Owen loses a journalist’s money. On purpose – Esquire

7 - Ridiculously cool video of a sushi restaurant – YouTube

6 - The lovely Popsugar girls have made a Jennifer Aniston quiz. We suggest you take it - Popsugar

5 - It’s the US citizenship test. We passed it. Now give us our hamburgers! – Noticias

4 – Want to make Skittles-flavoured vodka? OK! – Mixthatdrink

3 - Some horror remakes that aren’t complete balls – IGN

2 - Guess the celebrity fatty – Liquidgeneration

1 - Bee porn - I Am Bored

And we all know why. On a good day Jennifer Aniston has the ability to irritate everyone by bleating about how much she doesn’t like having her picture taken or whichever one of her co-stars she’s currently rogering, so on a bad day – a day like the day that’s five days away from her 40th birthday when she just happens to find a grey hair – imagine how unbearable Jennifer Aniston is.

Here’s a clue – she’s given us a headache, a nosebleed and some genuinely crippling diarrhoea.

They say that life begins at 40 and we’d be prone to agree – because that would technically still make us a foetus, which explains our funny-shaped head, tiny hands and hunched spine better than any medical advice we’ve ever received.

And if life begins at 40, then Jennifer Aniston is figuratively sliding down her mother’s birth canal, screaming and pooing and making an awful racket to make sure that she’s noticed. Actually, that last bit’s probably not figurative at all. But anyway, our point is this – Jennifer Aniston turns 40 on Wednesday.

And because Jennifer Aniston is shy and retiring, preferring to only discuss in public every single thing that happens in her entire pissing life, you can imagine what sort of fuss she’s making about it. People reports:

“I have to say, I feel better than I ever felt in my life,” Aniston says on The Ellen DeGeneres Show. “I did have a moment, though, over the weekend my first like huh … I don’t want to [turn 40]. I found a really long gray hair, and it kind of flipped me out. It’s not my first, but it’s the fact that it was so long. I was like, ‘Oh that’s been there. How many others are there, and what does that mean? It actually brought me to tears, slightly.”

Now actually we’re torn here – one one hand, it’s refreshing to see a Hollywood actress confront her age honestly and openly, despite the industry’s notorious preference for younger models, and for that Jennifer Aniston should be applauded.

But on the other hand, by speaking about her age Jennifer Aniston has to use her voice, and it’s a voice we’ve heard so often lately that the thought of it alone makes us want to headbutt knives until we’re unconscious. So, you know, it balances out in the end.

Regardless of the implications of Jennifer Aniston’s admission, though, we will confidently make two predictions about it, though:

1) Upon hearing that Jennifer Aniston has grey hair, Angelina Jolie will immediately sign up to make a movie based on Rapunzel out of nothing more than spite and a desire for magazine headlines.

2) Jennifer Aniston shouldn’t worry about her hair. Because in a few years her chin is going to start wrinkling, and that’s going to look REALLY bizarre.

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That last one’s less relevant, to be fair. But it almost definitely happened. The point is, Jennifer Aniston does a lot of stuff with dogs. Including, apparently, rescuing dogs from certain death after they dart out into Sunset Boulevard without warning.

So yay for Jennifer Aniston. And yay for Angelina Jolie, for when she realises that Jennifer Aniston has got more headlines than her and single-handedly repopulates the world’s Iberian Lynx community directly out of her womb as retaliation.

Make no mistake here – Marley And Me saved Jennifer Aniston’s career. Before that came along, Jennifer was stuck in a cycle of majorly unsuccessful movies, moderately successful movies that were objectively woeful and transparently attention-seeking lesbian TV bitparts.

But Marley And Me changed all that forever. Not only was it a number one movie, but it also allowed Jennifer Aniston to present an Oscar, turn down a number of pornographic offers and appear in magazines that don’t exclusively run pictures of her accompanied by the headline ‘SAD JEN STILL WON’T BRAD GO!’

And because of this, Jennifer Aniston has vowed to be a supporter of the dog community. There’s nothing that Jennifer Aniston won’t do for dogs to show how grateful she is for Marley And Me – she’ll fetch their sticks for them if they’re feeling too tired, she’ll lick their testicles if they’ve got arthritis in their necks and aren’t able to do so themselves, and she’ll definitely stop them from being splattered into strawberry jam underneath the wheels of fast-moving traffic.

In fact she has. At the premiere of must-avoid movie He’s Just Not That Into You, Jennifer Aniston regaled all about the time that she recently stopped a dog from having its head smashed off by a lorry. MSNBC reports:

“It’s a husky … gorgeous,” Aniston said of the dog she found on the streets of Los Angeles last week. But the dog she found wasn’t just casually roaming the streets. Aniston says he was in a life-threatening situation. “A dog darted out in the middle of Sunset. People didn’t seem like they were stopping.” Aniston told Access that she got out of her car and, with the help of another woman, approached the dog.

And it was at that point that Jennifer Aniston realised that the dog would be the closest thing she’d ever get to having a human baby of her own, so she named it Jeremy and enrolled it at California’s finest medical school where it graduated with honours before becoming a very successful cosmetic surgeon.

Or she realised that the dog belonged to a man who cut her hair once and gave it back to him. OK, it was that.

Anyway, if that’s the length that Jennifer Aniston is prepared to go to for Marley And Me, imagine what she’ll do for He’s Just Not That Into You. Hopefully it won’t involve stopping Drew Barrymore from darting out into the middle of a busy road. That’s the sort of intervention that won’t help anyone.

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