Iggy Pop impersonator Jennifer Aniston has gone on record to pooh-pooh the constant merry-go-round of slack-jawed speculation about her six-year-dead marriage to professional handsomeness salesman Brad Pitt, and her supposed feud with terrifying hose beast Angelina Jolie.

When Instyle US magazine asked Jennifer which misconception about her she finds most irritating, they were probably expecting her to come out with a light hearted quip about “people think I’m really like Rachel from Friends LOL I’m still milking that dry dry udder!”

However, she actually went on a sort of rambly rant about her divorce.

Aniston said of her annoyance:

“Which one? There are so many. I would say the triangle with my ex-husband – and that there’s a feud there. It’s constant. It’s a story headline that won’t go away, but it’s a money thing – (people make money off) a story that has nothing to do with reality.”

As if to prove something, she then waffled interminably about her new lover, Justin cousin-of-Louis Theroux, just long enough that the interviewers didn’t notice the delicious irony in her flagrant perpetuation of the very misconception she professes to despise.

But we’re onto you, Aniston. We’re onto you because we are serious investigative journalists with a keen nose for delicious irony.

We suppose, though, in a way, we kind of sympathise. Lots of people think we are locked in a steamy love triangle with two Hollywood stars, when actually we haven’t felt the warm touch of another human hand for ages, so the jokes on them.

Losers.

This was a guest post by Becca Day-Preston who in fact, is fighting them off with a large, shitty stick

Angelina Jolie is believed to be going spastic at recent reports that Brad Pitt might be having “a bit laugh and carry on” with a mystery woman on the set of his new film.

However, these ‘beliefs’ and ‘reports’ are coming from a turgid UK rag owned by pornography-king Richard Desmond, and there seems to be a bit of a cloud hanging over our tabloid press at the minute. We’re not convinced of any Woodward and Bernstein –style investigative journalism at work.

However, there is a photo of a woman touching his arm. Yes, you heard right. The dirty swine. His ARM is absolutely up to its nuts in hand BLART.

In the interests of complete transparency of the British press, we review the evidence in more detail…

First of all, this ‘mystery woman’. Just who is she, what is her job, why is she occasionally seen near Brad?

There seem to be few indications, other than the fact that she has only been photographed on the film set where she seems a constant presence, prominently wearing a production-staff ID around her neck and a copy of the shooting schedule clipped to her belt. THERE JUST AREN’T ANY CLUES! It’s almost like she works there or something.

Why are they spending so much time together? According to a ‘source’, “they’re always hanging out during filming and laughing.” What can this mean? Why only during filming? IT DOESN’T MAKE SENSE! And what’s with all this laughing? What can the millionaire Brad Pitt possibly have to laugh about?

And of course, the truly damning piece of evidence – the arm-touching photo.

Oh do you know what, we can’t be bothered. We’re going to go out on a limb(!) and say that a female production runner on forthcoming film World War Z had to grab the arm of doe-eyed imbecile Brad Pitt to steer him in the direction of his next scene, if only to prevent him repeatedly banging into a brick wall with mounting confusion like the over-grown toddler he actually is.

And that a gossip rag more contemptible than even us has published the picture and is now encouraging it’s readers to wonder if Angelina now feels the way Jennifer Aniston did when Brad was merrily bursting Jolie on set. Classy.

We’re going to stake our reputation on the belief that Brad Pitt is not having an affair. And that Brad Pitt’s arm is not having an affair with a woman’s hand. And – very importantly – that Brad Pitt’s penis is not having an affair with a woman’s inner vaginal walls.

That last part is DEFINITELY not the case.

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The fun thing about celebrities is that they’re always allegedly doing stuff. They’re allegedly always snorting lines of good quality drugs, reportedly getting hammered and punching their wives or allegedly having an affair with a woman on twitter and knocking up quick superinjunctions.

However, when it comes to Jennifer Aniston, she’s always allegedly doing absolutely nothing. She just stands there, like a hatstand, crying about her dead dog.

And now, the latest thing Aniston isn’t doing is dating some no-mark called Justin Theroux. Her representative is going around quashing the rumours and denying the chance of any sort of romantic link, meaning that they’re the busy person in Hollywood for simply saying “Nope, nothing to see here” all the time.

Of course, this won’t stop us all cooing about the fact that this Theroux chap was spotted eating food in a restaurant with Jen over at LA’s Sunset Towers.

We can assume they enjoyed themselves and order food that they liked to eat, which of course, equates to the fact that they are both definitely going to get married before the year is out.

Wait! Here comes that spokesperson again!

Apparently, this isn’t the case because the pair were in the company of four other people at the dinner. So basically, we’re all imagining them having sex, despite the fact she simply went out for her tea with a bunch of people.

In essence, Jennifer Aniston is so boring that she’s giving Robert Pattinson a run for his money, and he’s a man so tedious that maggots have already had a meeting and agreed that, when he dies, they’ll probably be so bored by his corpse that they won’t eat him on the off-chance that he’s still alive and simply lying there, motionless, as usual.

This means Aniston and R-Pattz are the perfect anti-celebrity couple. They should hook up. In fact, consider this the start of that particular rumour.

They’re definitely shagging. They’re probably doing it in the street somewhere as we speak but no-one has managed to notice them yet because it is roughly as exciting as watching a piece of stone erode in your hand.

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In news that will rock with world, as we saw when Michael Jackson decided to have too much Propofol, it brings us absolutely no pleasure to tell you that Norman, Jennifer Aniston’s Welsh corgi-terrier mix, has died at the age of 15. He is survived by around half-a-dozen other Welsh corgi-terrier mixes from the same litter.

The dog, said to be behind the split of Aniston and Brad Pitt, accompanied the actress on location and everywhere else, and was noted for his penchant for bitches and suffered from an alcohol problem for many years.

In recent years, Norman has had complications in his constitution thank to his hell-raising and the onset of old age.

Jen’s representative said:

“He died a few weeks ago. He was an old dog and it was just his time.”

This is bad news for all as Jennifer recently bought a $4.95 million apartment in New York under the name Norman’s Nest Trust, leaving her house looking a bit stupid now. Sources close to the former Friends actress have suggested that the apartment may be renamed ‘Canine Cadaver Crib’, but we can’t be bothered to verify.

Norman, in later years, was a demanding pet, with Aniston revealing that she has been paying for Norman to receive a number of specialist treatments. She reportedly paid $250 a week on massage and acupuncture therapy for the unreasonable pooch, who has been widely reported as being something of a ‘diva’.

A while ago, a source revealed:

“Norman has been Jennifer’s constant companion during all her emotional upheavals, but he suffers from aching joints and stiffness. Jennifer doesn’t want to put him on medication just yet, so she has opted for doggy spa treatments from a licensed vet technician.”

It was during this spell that Norman was alleged to have had a brief affair with one of Elton John’s canine chums.

Aniston has spoken candidly about Norman in the past:

“It wouldn’t be bad if, when a man comes home, he’d run to his woman with his tail wagging. This sort of excitement is something I’ve always missed in a man to be honest.”

It isn’t clear whether the actress was referring to male genitalia or not in this quote. We’ll just assume she wishes that her love-interests would get their ‘lipstick’ out now and then when she came home from work.

The death of Norman also ties in with the fact that Aniston is to go topless in her next film, while fellating a banana. It would appear that, along with the feint smell of urine, flea collars and gum-disease, Jennifer’s moral compass has passed on to the other side.

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When fame starts to desert you and the good scripts stop landing on the desk of your agent, if you’re a glamorous Hollywood lady, there’s only one thing left to do – and that’s to unleash your gym-honed breasts on an unsuspecting public.

And after years and years of doing tasteful/tame nude photoshoots and having the most erect nipples in sitcom history, Jennifer Aniston is doing exactly that in new comedy flick, Horrible Bosses.

Not only that, but she’s going to fellate some fruit as well, just so you onanists can really pound the meat if 42 year old women are your thing.

One source, talking to American rag Us Weekly (on stands now if you live stateside… stolen and used on this pathetic excuse for a blog if you don’t), says:

“She shot a topless scene, but produces aren’t sure if they’ll use it.”

“They filmed it two ways I one, you see Jen’s face and boobs in the same shot. In another, the audience might think it’s a body double.”

“She knows she can’t show off her boobs forever, so she’s going out with a bang!”

In the film, Aniston plays an incredibly dislikeable dentist who sexually harasses a male employee, leaving bullock-brained readers to inwardly yell ‘I wouldn’t mind being sexually harassed by Rachel off Friends!’

Of course, this is all good PR for a film that looks pretty awful and will stoke up interest ahead of its July 8th opening, before revealing that Aniston shows nothing off at all… but it won’t matter because you will have already paid for your cinema ticket twice (you’ll probably get thrown out for fiddling with yourself when you first go to see it).

Here’s the stupid trailer for the stupid film.

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What is the point of Adam Sandler? Sure, there was a time when his mongrel-like face, annoying laugh and humour as subtle as getting diarrhoea in a library was kind-of-okay and sorta charming, but now he’s officially gone too far.

That manchild routine may have been acceptable in the ’90s, but it’s 2011 and mass audiences will not put up with his crap anymore.

OK that’s a lie; his films always gross an obscene amount of money which convince people to finance his future films and leave those with any sort of taste weeping in the corner while trying to understand why the world is such a depressing place.

But before we get to how stupid everyone is for paying to see this sort of crap, lets talk about Just Go With It, Sandler’s newest romcom, which already has the distinction of being just as dreadful as Kate Hudson’s last cinematic abortion.

The film starts in the ’80s (and you know that because everyone has bad hair and big shoulderpads and clothes that looks like a sequin monster vomited all over them) when cardiologist Danny Maccabee (Sandler) finds out his fiance is only marrying him for his money.

Broken hearted, he sulks in a bar and whines about his problem to an exceedingly hot woman who wouldn’t spit on him were he on fire. She, SOMEHOW, is touched by his story and turned on by his ring that she takes him home for awful, awful sex.

This causes a little lightbulb to go off over his idiotic head and he switches to plastic surgery, gets himself a new schnoz and starts using his wedding ring (cue hideously lazy and completely out of date Gollum joke) to lure young, stupid girls into his bed.

Yes, this is our hero, the man we’re supposed root for, a man who basically uses his ring as rohypnol.

At a party thrown by a man who can’t control his face because he’s had so much work done (HAHAHAHAHAHA!) he meets, shags, then falls in love with Palmer (Brooklyn Decker), a school teacher who absolutely doesn’t look like a school teacher. But uh-oh, she finds his ring and because she’s so utterly perfect she refuses to date a married man and Danny has to come up with a scheme to justify his wedding ring.

Have you lost the will to live yet?

Luckily, he has a lovely assistant named Katherine (Jennifer Aniston) who agrees to play the part should he buy her some expensive shoes and get her a haircut because as a single mother to two annoying little shits, she doesn’t have time to make sure she looks sub-human before leaving the house. It’s at this point it’s made explicitly clear that expensive clothes make you more beautiful because Katherine gets hot overnight simply by taking off her glasses and lab coat.

She accidentally slips about the two brats she owns and now they have to pretend to be his kids too. As if it couldn’t get any worse, they decide to go on a big holiday to Hawaii. Honestly why even go on? Just grab whatever might be a little bit sharp and start scratching away at your limbs.

So, just so we’re clear, these are all the things that have happened so far:

• Danny is supposed to be loveable when in fact he’s a lying cunt who preys on young women with self-esteem so low they’d let him put his penis wherever he likes.
• Palmer is a holier-than-thou school teacher who doesn’t believe in infidelity but will gladly sleep with a man she just met and parade around with her jugs spilling out.
• Jennifer Aniston pretends to be dowdy by having her hair in a ponytail and pimps out her children for some shoes.
• We’re expected to believe that after one night Danny and Palmer are in love and she’s prepared to put up with this crap even though they have NOTHING in common.

The action goes to Hawaii for no reason other than to have Aniston and Decker walk around in bikinis in slow motion. Honestly, it would’ve been less obvious for placards to appear on screen saying “YOU WILL NEVER BE AS BEAUTIFUL AS THESE PEOPLE”. Let’s not talk about the idiot they rope in to be Katherine’s partner or the daughter who insists on speaking in a cockney accent or the fact that it’s impossible to care about any of these people because they are all so dreadful.

Nicole Kidman rocks up to provide a few laughs but as soon as a man (who turns out to be gay) picks up a coconut with his arse it all gets upsetting again. Sandler, enough of this. The greatness of The Wedding Singer cannot erase crap like this and it’s time to leave the industry of making films forever!

Avoid Just Go With It like the plague. In fact, getting the plague and using your last days to pick scabs off would be much more fun that this soulless tripe created to make rich people richer.

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Imagine yourself standing at a dressing room door. On the other side of it is Jennifer Aniston. She’s doing one of two thing. She’s either crying as usual or, she’s getting dressed. That means you shouldn’t waltz in unless you’re beckoned or Conan O’Brien.

And this story concerns the latter. O’Brien, with his head that resembles a knee-join coupled with a haircut that looks like a wig designed for a man with a head the size of sperm whale’s ballbag, decided to stroll into Aniston’s dressing room.

This time, she wasn’t say there weeping, but hitching her knickers up while wearing nothing else. Get a good look Conan? Did you? WELL DID YOU?

Fragile Hollywood sobber, Aniston was minding her own business in her dressing room, pulling her scads on and probably mournfully singing the theme tune from Friends to herself, only to have the TV host bowl in and probably stare directly at her muff and baps.

Aniston was preparing for her appearance on ‘The Conan Show’ and the host just walked right on in there, invariably not believing his luck.

The embarrassed comic confessed up to this wilful act of peepery in the televised interview that followed.

He said:

“I’m pretty sure I knocked first. There was a moment there where I walked in on Jennifer Aniston, who had her pants about halfway up. It’s the greatest thing that ever happened to me”

Aniston responded with:

“I even got a victory dance out of you… I loved it.”

Wait. What’s this? She loved it? That changes everything. The world is now shifting on its axis. Aniston clearly left her dressing room door unlocked so that Conan O’Peeper could walk right in on her.

If he’d stayed any longer, she would have probably spread ‘em like butterfly wings for the suet faced O’Brien. Good God. We thought Aniston was meeker than a sickly mouse sleeping in the pipes of a church organ, but alas, it transpires that she’s the filthiest, most perverted human on Earth.

EVEN WORSE THAN A RUSSELL BRAND/LADY GAGA HYBRID!

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Apart from some really woeful photoshop jobs and some rubbish paparazzi shots, Jennifer Aniston has only ever given us sideboob and taken her shirt off with her back to us. Of course, that’s not to say she hasn’t flaunted her chest in the past. She seemingly spent three whole series of Friends with erect nipples and no bra on, leaving hallow faced onanists to squint their eyes up nightly.

Well, wonder no more. Apart from taking her top off to promote her new perfume, she’ll be getting them out for a new film of hers, if rumours are to be believed.

Aniston, who unbelievably, is 41-years-old, will derobe for the first time in her celluloid career as part of the Judd Apatow-produced comedy Wanderlust.

Aniston is going to play the role of a married woman who suddenly decides to go all hippie along with her husband, played by Paul Rudd.

During one scene, Aniston’s character is apparently going to tear off her shirt to distract the driver of a bulldozer. Granted, that’s a bit lame.

However, here come the goods.

Her character also sleeps with numerous men in a commune, engages in a threesome with two other women and takes drugs during the course of the film.

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Remember Friends? Every inhabitant of Earth gathered in Times Square to watch the last episode and openly wept when one of them did that thing that meant a lot to their character or whatever it was. Then Joey probably did a bad impression of the Fonz and they all laughed their shoulders up and down like the closing moments of a M.A.S.K. cartoon.

Then, all the careers of the Friends crew almost evaporated overnight. Anyone seen Matthew Perry recently? That woman who played Phoebe? Anyone? Is she selling contraband rolling tobacco out of the back of a Nissan Micra?

Now we’ve got Jennifer Aniston and Courtney Cox. They’ve fared a little better over the years but haven’t ever hit the heights of when they were regularly on TV. Aniston is the only one who stayed in the public eye, mainly thanks to being referred to as That Woman Who Keeps Stabbing Photos Of Angelina Jolie.

In a bid to remind themselves of the glory years, Aniston and Friends co-star Courtney Cox Arquette plan to work together Cox Arquette’s show Cougar Town.

Aniston will play a therapist named Bonnie who Courtney’s character will visit for treatment.

Explaining the character, Cougar Town executive producer Bill Lawrence said:

“She’s kind of a get-too-involved-in-her-life-type of therapist. Those guys are so close in real life they kind of do that for each other anyway. Bonnie has the life Jules wishes she has.”

There have also been rumours that Aniston would also show her face in a Scream sequel with Courtney Cox Her Name Is Too Long To Continually Type Out. The film is called Dimension and the rumour is, apparently, a crock.

Lawrence added

“We’re very intentionally implying that it’s a therapist Courteney’s character has been using for a while, and we’re certainly not going to make it like they’ll never see each other again. So I’m crossing my fingers that if she has a good time it’ll happen again.”

So anyone hoping that Aniston and Cox’s short-lived lez-off in ‘Dirt’ would be furthered in the name of a nostalgia wank… sorry, this is a shirts-on reunion.

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As the world knows all too well – there are certain words that are just off limits. There’s the N-Word, obviously. And there’s the big C, which we’ve been informed on several occasions we cannot use around camel-toed women.

You can say cunt around female atheists though. It’s because they have no soul. Other words that’ll draw a hush are queef, fag, piss, dick lips & “Everybody on the ground! You know what this is!”

Well Jennifer Aniston is said to have recently used the word ‘Retard’ on Live with Regis & Kelly. It’s got her in a lot of heat right now – but in her defense – how is it fair that she’s the only one on set not allowed to refer to Philbin by his most popular nickname?

We miss the good old days when all Jen Aniston would ever get in trouble for was single-handedly attempting the corruption of America’s core belief system, and peeling her bra off in the name of new perfume.

She’s graduated from all that though. Now she spends her time trying to insult people that gather your shopping carts in grocery store parking lots or rub down your dirty fast food table. We’ll let Us Magazine give you the skinny:

“Jennifer Aniston has come under fire for using the word “retard” during an interview. On Live with Regis and Kelly Thursday, the Switch star, 41, was discussing dressing up as Barbra Streisand for the September issue of Harper’s Bazaar when she let the word slip. “You’re playing dress up!” Regis told her. She replied, “Yes, I play dress up! I do it for a living, like a retard!”"

Well multitudes of people were offended when their keepers slowly explained to them that Aniston greatly offended them, and that they should form a group to make their slurred voices heard.

Lucky for them a group already exists – and it’s CEO, Peter Berns, had this to say about Aniston’s callous R-word slip:

“What retard mean? Me no know what retard means.”

False quote. Sorry about that. Here’s the real text:

“Frankly, someone in her position ought to know better. She is using language that is offensive to a large segment of the population in this country. We estimate that there are probably in excess of 5 million people in the country with intellectual disabilities, and when you think about all of them, their family members and friends, you’re talking about tens of millions of people who find the use of that term to be really offensive. Every time folks hear that word, it kind of reminds them of all the discrimination and oppression they’ve experienced in their lives. Even if it wasn’t intended to insult them, that is the effect of it.”

Berns sounds like quite an orator for someone who probably doesn’t lift his feet when he walks. His trainers or whatever have done pretty well.

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Is it just us that imagines Jennifer Aniston in a constant state of tears? She probably cries at adverts on the telly. She probably cries when she needs a piss. Unless, of course, we’ve got her all wrong. And it seems we have because far from being a soppy git, she’s actually something of a menace to society.

Once upon a time, Aniston was little more than a popular haircut and someone who didn’t wear a bra for two seasons of Friends (you noticed too, eh?). Then, when she split-up with Brad Pitt, she seemed more fragile than the bones in a mouse’s toe.

Now she’s saying that women can have a baby and they don’t need a man to help them with it!

Of course, this fatherless family unit has got dipshits in a flap.

Prime Fillet of Idiot, Bill O’Reilly, is outraged at the notion that human beings can be raised in the world without a man mooching about, farting into their hands and wafting to the nearest nostril or scratching their scrota with the TV remote.

As such, Jennifer Aniston is “disruptive to our society.”

Aniston said all this while promoting her new pregnancy comedy, The Switch.  Aniston said:

“Women are realizing more and more knowing that they don’t have to settle with a man just to have a child.”

The FOX News host wasn’t having any of that and said on air:

“She’s throwing a message out to 12-year-olds and 13-year-olds that, ‘Hey, you don’t need a guy! You don’t need a dad!’”

Correct. Who wants Ross Gellar as their dad? Not us.

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The media like to create an image of a celebrity to give an essence of the person behind the fame. So Amy Winehouse is ‘wild’, Daniel Day Lewis is ‘serious’ and Jennifer Aniston does nothing but cry all the time and throws darts into pictures of Angelina Jolie. Basically, we’re all supposed to believe she’s astonishingly feeble.

And so, because she’s not really done much since Friends died (yes, she’s been in films, but can you name any?), Hollywood’s most fragile little poppet has decided to make a perfume which is presumably made from her tears and smells like distant regret. And what do you call a perfume like this? Well, it seems like Aniston has been spending too much time on internet forums as proposed names have had the whiff of text-speak about them.

The fragrance will hit our suspecting public on July 21 at Harrods. It seems, after much deliberation, the perfume will be called ‘Jennifer Aniston’, which shows as much imagination as Cristiano Ronaldo when faced with a baby.

Previous names for the product have included ‘Lola Vie’, ‘Lovavie’ and ‘Lolavie’ (all of which sound like ‘luvverly’). We can only wonder if she considered Pmslvie, Roflmaogli or WTFAngelinaJolieIsAProperBitch.

Perfume blog The Scented Salamander (yes, there’s a perfume blog) writes:

“We can only speculate that the fragrance marketing teams decided the idea of the name was cute but would be constant fodder for psychoanalysts, bloggers and tabloids. In the UK, the latter are famously fierce. They would have probably gone digging in her trash bins to see if they could dig out a reasonable explanation for the name Lolavie.”

There’s some good news for perverts and fans of side-boob as Aniston will be promoting the fragrance with no top on.

Now, that doesn’t mean she’s going to be seen on street corners with her busters out flogging them out of a suitcase with one beady eye on the arrival of the police, but rather, the publicity shots will see Aniston with no top on. This presumably is to make us aware of a celebrity perfume that we probably would have ignored otherwise.

If you’d like to see Aniston in the flesh (probably crying), then you can go down to Harrods-based meet-and-greet which takes place from 10am, July 21st.

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Jennifer Aniston used to get paid $1,000,000 for every episode of Friends she flipped her hair and whored about in.

Adam Sandler has appeared in some of the highest-grossing film comedies ever and won acting plaudits for more serious roles in movies like Punch-Drunk Love and Funny People.

Nicole Kidman has a Best Actress Oscar.

AND NOW THEY’RE ALL APPEARING IN A FILM WITH HEIDI MONTAG!

Heidi Montag, whose name translates in German as ‘I Don’t Like Mondays’ has signed up for Just Go With It, an intense and deeply disturbing insight into torture methods used on both sides during the first Gulf War. Oh, no. Sorry. That’s not it, it’s a romantic comedy about a man and woman and love and blah blah blah…

Whatever.

Jennifer Aniston is apparently pleased about the latest sign-up. When she was asked about the Montag joining the cast, she said: “I just heard that. That’s interesting and fun”, adding that Montag is ‘perfect’ for the role, but declined to give any details about what she will be doing. Crying uncontrollably? Singing tuneless pop songs badly? Marrying a Pratt?

If her cringe-worthy antics in The Hills are anything to go by, where she fails to convince even when playing herself, we’re in for a real treat with this.

If her awful cameo in How I Met Your Mother is anything to by, where she failed to convince even when playing herself, we really are in for a real treat here.

If her quality Superficial album, which has sold just 15,000 copies despite costing nearly $2,000,000 to make, is anything to by, well – you see what we’re saying. She’s awful.

Although we’ve long suspected that Heidi Montag is not the surgically-enhanced, airheaded pillock that everyone takes her for. Why do we think this? Well, because we’re idiots. But nevertheless, it is hecklerspray’s firmly-held belief that Montag is a satirical comedy creation, designed to highlight the insignificance of talent, fame or charm. A character that will one day soon be revealed to us, to show us all how far off course we have gone, the personification of the futility of earnest achievement and hard work in today’s society.

Or is that just bollocks?

Just Go With It arrives in cinemas to a collective shrug next year.

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Jennifer Aniston is rather famous, rather fetching, and rather wealthy. All that is jolly nice, and we’re ruddy pleased for her that her life’s so smashing.

She kind of wants the extent of your knowledge about her to end with that; the knowledge that she’s a pretty lady who stars in lovely movies with eligible, and often recently single, leading men. Don’t go trying to find out anything more about her. Don’t you dare. She’ll know. All that stuff you looked up on her, on Wikipedia. Ooh. We’re telling. Jennifer seems to have developed something of a chip on her shoulder, when it comes to being in the tabloids.

Aniston, who’s in a movie that we advise you do not see unless you want to risk her wrath, is on the promotional circuit at the moment. We risked our lives, so you didn’t have to, and checked out an interview that she did on Good Morning America.

Jennifer explains that life as a celebrity is “a soap opera that you do not sign up for”. Yes, you read that right. Suitably dolled up for her appearance, at a time in the morning when most of the US is probably still begging for another five minutes kip, Jennifer complains about the perils of fame. She explains further that one needs a tough skin and a front put on especially for the media to survive. Lest your life become as hilariously dichotomous as hers.

Jennifer on GMA (via Cele|Bitchy)

On “the tabloid chatter”: When asked about the tabloid chatter, Aniston asked “what chatter? I hear about it, I don’t read it. You have to get better over time. You have to… build up a tough skin…. We work really hard on our jobs… you don’t want to be known as sort of a ‘tabloid face.’ That sort of distracts from what you do and what you work really hard at. Which is our movies… It’s almost like another job that you have not chosen to be a part of. It’s a soap opera that you do not sign up for.”

Think about this for one moment. Her life is horrid, we’ll have you know. Just horrid.

She has to get tarted up at obscene times in the morning, promote her new movie, and stave off tabloid rumours about romances with co-stars. Co-stars like Gerard Butler. Rumours like those started by the director of her new movie, in hopes of drumming up more business. Oh, the humanity.

Jennifer looks like she’s doing just peachy to us. But then we aren’t the ones under a microscope and crying into our pillows made out of money (or relaxing in our bath tubs filled with money). It’s just awful, to be in a nightmare of your own making.

We’re not silly. Oi – Jennifer – we’re not the most sympathetic bunch and you’ll get nothing but further ridicule from us. Why don’t you cry on the shoulder of chronic fame-whoring self-publicist Megan Fox. She’s gonna turn into you one day. Perhaps the two of you would be better talking this out amongst yourselves.

This was a guest blog by Any Grindhouse. Hooray!

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An American magazine recently marked the fact that Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt split up half a decade ago.

Why? We don’t know. ‘JENNIFER ANISTON: FIVE YEARS AFTER BRAD’ screamed the cover’s headline, possibly because ‘SPECIAL FIVE YEARS OF DESPERATE LONELINESS AND CRIPPLING INSECURITY ANNIVERSARY ISSUE’ was too long or ‘HA HA YOU’RE STILL PAINFULLY ALONE YOU IDIOT’ would have looked too rude. But let’s credit Jennifer Aniston with some maturity here. She completely ignored those headlines and carried on as normal.

Apart from, you know, the bit where she had her entire Beverly Hills home remodelled so it no longer has a ‘his and hers’ theme? But that doesn’t count, does it? It does count? Yowch.

Have you ever wondered why you can’t seem to be able to pick up a newspaper or a magazine these days without being confronted by a photo of Jennifer Aniston, usually on a beach, looking all sad and alone? It it because magazine editors like skimming through hundreds of photos of Jennifer Aniston, picking one where she isn’t smiling, cropping everyone else out of the background and then publishing it to push the notion that Jennifer is the world’s loneliest divorcee?

No, you idiot, it’s because her house used to have two baths in it. Look, you’re Jennifer Aniston. Not only did you used to be married to Brad Pitt, but you used to be married to peak-model Brad Pitt – the Brad Pitt who didn’t walk around looking like he was choking on a pensioner’s merkin all the time. But then he left you – and every time you have a bath, you look over at the empty bath that Brad Pitt should be filling with dead skin and pubes and bum dirt, and it makes you sad.

But the good news is that, if this obviously fictional scenario is the case, we’ll never see Jennifer Aniston sad again. You see, she’s just had her house remodelled. It’s no longer a ‘his and hers’ house – it’s a ‘hers only’ house, with a view to it becoming a ‘hers and her cats’ house if she still can’t manage to find another husband any time soon. Access Hollywood reports:

“[The house] originally had his-and-hers baths, but Aniston has turned the ‘his’ into a spa bath with a soaking tub,” Architectural Digest reported. “The house has a rather glamorous, old-fashioned Hollywood quality. I can just imagine the Rat Pack stopping by; someone is playing the piano, and people are laughing in the next room… It’s like a big hug,” Jennifer said.

Good! It’s absolutely right that Jennifer Aniston should declare herself as a single-minded independent woman! She’s a credit to all the other women in the world who don’t need a man to make them happy. And if you think her man-free home is nice now, just wait until the next stage of development is completed – we’ve heard whispers that it’ll contain an extra large freezer full of ice cream that she can eat right out of the tub whenever she gets a bit down, a knife block shaped like Angelina Jolie‘s face and something called a ‘sobbing dock’. It sounds awesome.

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