After all, he is an actor lacking any discernable passion, he is attractive in a thoroughly mediocre way and he’s generally a bit crap.

It’s a perfect fit for the lead role in the still-vaunted biopic of Jeff Buckley. Especially if Pattinson is into method acting and decides to do his own stunts. In the drowning scene.

Too harsh?

Okay, maybe we don’t want Robert Pattinson dead simply for wanting to play Jeff Buckley – after all, he is just a middle-of-the-road acting type, who only achieved fame by starring in some truly awful films that appeal to children and idiots.

And after all, he only wants to play a middle-of-the-road singer, who only achieved popularity through being both dead and associated with The X Factor.

It’s a partnership for the ages.

In fact, maybe the film will feature Buckley as he is right now, thus taking complete advantage of Pattinson’s “lifeless corpse” acting the manchild employs in so much of his work. The charisma on show would be sure to be palpable.

As reported on Digital Spy, Buckley’s mum said these words:

“Whoever gets the part will need a lot of self-discipline because they won’t be able to fake it. It’s going to take a phenomenal set of skills.”

So it’s going to need real talent as well as acting talent? Ah. Robert Pattinson is probably out then. This would mean the other hopefuls – Jared Leto, James Franco and James Marsden – should probably be struck off the list along with Captain Flatface.

Though, to be fair, at least he doesn’t smell. Even if all of his time will be taken up bathing in tween urine and making dozens of incredibly dull vampire films.

The quest to rape the memory of a reasonably-talented songmeister who had a ridiculously short life continues apace.

Reports that X Factor winner Alexandra Burke was set to feature in a DVD extra where she takes a steaming dump on the grave of Buckley while chanting “hallelujah” were unconfirmed at the time of writing.

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They may have to resort to begging, borrowing or even stealing to get through this one – being sued by Virgin Records for $30 million isn’t the kind of thing you can get by simply by using the cash you carry in your wallet. Maybe they could sell their instruments and equipment – though this would of course mean they can no longer play as a band…

So in other words, it would be win-win.

But why such a huge amount? Well, according to Virgin, Jared Leto and 30 Seconds to Mars were contracted to provide three albums, but didn’t. Apparently this is worth that much money to the company, so they’ve gone and sued that movie star from the band to get what they think is rightfully theirs.

$30 million though? Crikey.

And it seems it isn’t just hecklerspray that thinks the figure is a bit – shall we say – ‘excessive’. In a post on the official 30 Seconds to Mars forum, Jared wrote these words with his fingers, and possibly toes:

“So, as you may have heard we are being sued by our former record company for the ridiculously oversized, totally unrealistic and pretty silly (but slightly clever) sum of $30,000,000. Insane? Yea that’s what we said too.”

But what was the actual story behind it? Well, Messr Leto wasn’t about to leave his legion of 14-year-old female fans in the lurch when it came to the legalese, going on in the post:

“We had been signed to our record contract for nine years. Basically, under California law, where we live and signed our deal, one cannot be bound to a contract for more than seven years. This is widely known by all the record companies and has been for years. In fact, so aware of it are they that they desperately try to make deals outside of California whenever possible. It is a law that protects people from lengthy, unfair, career-spanning contracts. This law also gave us the legal right to explore other possible opportunities.”

And not one to leave it with a short, concise explanation of the matter – nor, seemingly, one to avoid underhanded bitchy comments, that one from Fight Club went on about a feud with more point than his last one:

“Yes we have been sued by EMI. But NOT for failing to deliver music or for ‘quitting.’ We have been sued by the corporation quite simply because roughly 45 days ago we exercised our legal right to terminate our old, out of date contract, which, according to the law is null and void. We terminated for a number of reasons, which we won’t go into here (we’d rather not air any dirty laundry) but basically our representatives could not get EMI to agree to make a fair and reasonable deal.”

To be fair, being sued for $30 million is probably a good enough reason to get at least a bit bitchy, and it’s the kind of thing that will make you feel as depressed as if you’ve been forced to sit and watch Requiem for a Dream 17 times in a row. Yes – that bad. So it is understandable that some complaints would be aired.

Shockingly enough, EMI (the group that owns Virgin Records) countered with some statementage of their own, offering these nuggets up:

“EMI’s relationship with 30STM has been extremely rewarding and successful for both the band and the company. The hard work of EMI’s global team and of the band has resulted in sales of three million albums and singles, multiple awards and a growing, global fan base.”

To be honest, you’d think that if they were suing a band for such an incredible amount of money they’d bother to write the full name out, not abbreviate it like it would take too much of their valuable lawsuit time up. Anyway, it went from amicable and half-written to some of the usual ‘we’re not an evil major label, honestly’ gubbins:

“However, we have been forced to take procedural, legal steps in order to protect EMI’s investment and rights during contract renegotiations initiated by the band and management. We hope to resolve these matters amicably and put them behind us so we can continue working in partnership with the band to take them to even greater levels of success.”

While it isn’t very fair for a band to go back on a contractual obligation, it does feel a bit like EMI are saying ‘either they come back to us and release more albums, thus making us money, or we get $30 million out of them anyway. Not like we’re trying to hold them hostage or anything’. A bit, at least. We mean – he may have missed out an album, but he’s given his blood for this band – is that not worth anything?

Well, no, probably not. But still.

We’re not exactly fans of 30 Seconds to Mars at hecklerspray, nor do we care much about Jared Leto and his face (apart from that bit in Fight Club), but… well… thirty million dollars? Are they shitting well kidding?!

If EMI expected to make that much money from a new album then they either have a severely skewed view of the world or there are far more fools with no taste buying music in this world than we originally thought.

No? You’re not? Your interest in Jessica Simpson and Tony Romo’s relationship is completely casual and you can stop reading about them any time you want? Stop kidding yourself, you’ve got a problem. Listen, if you’re not addicted to Jessica Simpson news, then try not to read the next paragraph.

Jessica Simpson and Tony Romo were spotted out eating dinner last weekend, prompting speculation that their relationship is back on. Yeah, that’s right. We knew you’d read it. And we haven’t even got to the part about Jessica Simpson apparently cheating on Tony Romo with Jared Leto, either. Addict.

People always want what they can’t have, don’t they? Look at Jessica Simpson – she’s desperate for all the things she can’t have, like a regular-shaped jawbone and a voice that doesn’t make her cry with shame whenever she hears it.

She’s got plenty, like a Dad-pleasing rack and a lovely athletic boyfriend, but that means nothing. Especially when Ashlee Simpson keeps rubbing her dirty-looking emo husband from a rubbish band under Jessica’s nose. That’s why, if rumours in the National Enquirer are to be believed, Jessica Simpson went out and slept with the world’s dirtiest-looking emo from the world’s rubbishest band – Jared Leto from 30 Seconds To Mars – while she was still with Tony Romo.

If the rumours are true, then they seem to prove two key facts about Jessica Simpson – firstly that she just loves those boys with four-letter consonant vowel consonant vowel surnames, and secondly that she enjoys jeopardising relationships with nice young men by having quick bunk-ups with grubby blokes who look quite smelly, like the Jackass boys who Jessica allegedly slept with during her marriage to Nick Lachey.

But don’t get too excited about the imminent prospect of a mentally-scarring Simpson/Leto sex tape, because Jared Leto’s manager has denied that any of it happened. And, just to prove how strong they are, Jessica Simpson has been seen out eating giant hunks of meat with Tony Romo, as OK! reports:

The on-again-off-again twosome holed themselves up in a corner booth at N9NE Steakhouse in Dallas’ Victory Park on Saturday, the Dallas Morning News reports. Enjoying a hearty meal of steak (her) and burger (him), Tony and Jess kept to themselves, but did acknowledge Tony’s teammate, Isaiah Stanback, a receiver/kick returner, who was also at the establishment with his parents.

So, it looks like after splitting up with him and the possibly getting back together with him, Jessica Simpson and Tony Romo are definitely back on.* Hooray!

And, better than that, Jessica Simpson didn’t have sex with Jared Leto! That’s good news for all kinds of reasons – mainly because the thought of Jared Leto’s naked pasty emo body makes us feel physically ill, but partly because if it was true, Ashlee Simpson would have to retaliate by sleeping with someone more rubbish and unconvincingly emo to reinforce her position as emo Simpson daughter number one. And the only person more rubbish and unconvincingly emo than Jared Leto is evil Peter Parker from Spider-Man 3. Ugh.

*hecklerspray reserves the right to change its mind about this and pretend that they were always doomed wherenever the next Jessica Simpson/ Tony Romo split rumour comes along. So by the end of the day, then.