Well, knock us down with a feather. It must be that time of the week again. The time when we force our hands into the stinking, wretched filth that comes into the hecklerspray mailbox.

To give you an idea of what our mailbag actually resembles, allow us to paint you a picture. With words. Imagine taking a bowl of delicious, ripe fruit and writing a series of misguided, offended or just plain idiotic messages on each pieces and then leaving it to rot. Then imagine putting the pulped, putrid remains of the fruit into a plastic carrier bag and leaving it in a very humid room for a couple of weeks.

Then imagine having to dip your hand into that to remove and read something which calls you a useless idiot. That’s called user feedback, folks and it fucking sucks.

Still, without any further ado, let us wash the remains of your rotten correspondence from our hands and copy your dribbling rants verbatim.

You can pity us but it won’t do you any good. You did this to us in the first place. So here’s this week’s Readers’ Letters. Benevolent deities help us all.

First up this week is the spawn of Jay-Z’s loins. Naturally, this is one of the biggest celebrity stories of the year because they’re both like totally famous and, like, totally talented and stuff. Of course, people with a fan base inevitably have legions of masturbatory freaks who can’t take a joke. Like “Me” for instance. No, not me. Some moron who still thinks referring to themselves in the singular is funny.

I can tell by your article that you don’t like reporting on beyonce so why do they have you doing it.. I came on her to read about beyonce not about how sarcastic you can be.. I mean really get over yourself or don’t report on her..give someone else this job

Reading comments like this really leads us to a phenomenon known as ‘hulking out’, where we all turn either into Marvel Superheroes or into 80s’ American wrestlers. The whole fucking point is that the article is about how sarcastic we can be. There’s nothing else to it. Until you people stop projecting some kind of journalistic ethical code onto us, we’re going to keep having to repeat this every week. Here it is in simple English.

WE ARE NOT JOURNALISTS. 

At least Sparkletits gets it; even though she (?) was replying to some other moron on some other article:

Whoa there friend, settle down. This site is beloved specifically because it brutalizes celebrities. This is like walking into a boxing match and complaining about the violence. Fuck off to people.com or whatever. LiLo is a trainwreck tire fire and does hilarious shit. The end.

That was in response to someone called Michael Prymula, who has a name like a cheese substitute that comes in a tube. His opinions should therefore be disregarded but given that we used to enjoy the one with chives in it on Ritz Crackers, here’s his “worthwhile contribution”:

Fuck you! you worthless fucking piece of dogshit! You think other people’s hardships are SOOOOOOO hilarious, why don’t you just go fuck yourself and stop writing bullshit that nobody cares about! Lindsay can and WILL make a comeback, and she’s a FAR better person then you are!

This is another one. “No-one cares about your opinion” or “nobody cares about their indiscretions”. Of course they do. By leaving comments angrily decrying those who take the piss out of your smacked-up idol, you’re disproving your own point. Of course Lindsay Lohan is a better person than us because we’re fatuous cunts that use our money (earned from a career making faces like we’re having sticks pulled from our arses) to buy crack and smoke a bowl in someone’s poolhouse.

Wait. Hang on. We’ve got ourselves mixed up with strung-out, failed actor Lindsay Lohan, haven’t we? Silly us.

Still, much as ‘she of the poolside nickname’ has some misguided fans, that’s nothing compared to the fans of 30 Seconds To Mars frontdick Jared Leto. Of course, given that all groups of fans have to collective nouns to distinguish them from your average horde of braying nutsacks, we’ve decided to christen Leto’s lot “The Leotards”. Please pass it on to those forums you frequent.

Sometimes it’s the names of the people posting that really draw you into a comment. Take TheGuyWhoWroteThePostIsAFaggotJelousFatForeverAloneSucker which must be an unmitigated nightmare to sign on a disability cheque. This pillar of the Leotard community was up in arms because we wrote an article about him ALMOST FIVE YEARS AGO.

Who the hell’s the gay guy that wrote the post? I bet he’s a fat friki foreveralone 40-year-old who still wets his bed and jelous of THE PERFECTION OF JARED LETO.

Just another hater modafogga who will burn in hell.

Of course, if there’s one thing we’ve learned from the heavily Christian fanbase of 30 Seconds To Galaxy Caramel, it’s that homosexuality is wrong and is punishable by eternity in the firey pits of hell. It is surely not going too far to assume that there must be a fate worse than this for people who like Jared Leto’s fucking awful band.

AJAJAJAJJAJAJAJAJAA
Motherfoggaaaaa
Crappy band? Yo’ mamaaa
Go to hel ahhahahahahaa This dude has some issues.

Yes, here it is again. Would you like us to pick it out?

This dude has some issues.

This from the person who can’t spell motherfucker (or anything for that matter), thinks homosexuals deserve to burn in hell and, perhaps most heinously of all, thinks 30 Seconds to Peanut M&Ms are or ever were any good. It’s stunning to think that someone like this is out living amongst us and not locked in a darkened basement, hooked up to a car battery.

Still, at least ajay knows what we’re all about:

very very very very sexy

Thanks.

Until next week; be good. If you can’t be good be careful. If you can’t be careful then try not to impale your genitals on anything sharp.

When looking for someone to act as the once-prodigious, now-dead Jeff Buckley why not go for talent on the level of Robert Pattinson?

After all, he is an actor lacking any discernable passion, he is attractive in a thoroughly mediocre way and he’s generally a bit crap.

It’s a perfect fit for the lead role in the still-vaunted biopic of Jeff Buckley. Especially if Pattinson is into method acting and decides to do his own stunts. In the drowning scene.

Too harsh?

Okay, maybe we don’t want Robert Pattinson dead simply for wanting to play Jeff Buckley – after all, he is just a middle-of-the-road acting type, who only achieved fame by starring in some truly awful films that appeal to children and idiots.

And after all, he only wants to play a middle-of-the-road singer, who only achieved popularity through being both dead and associated with The X Factor.

It’s a partnership for the ages.

In fact, maybe the film will feature Buckley as he is right now, thus taking complete advantage of Pattinson’s “lifeless corpse” acting the manchild employs in so much of his work. The charisma on show would be sure to be palpable.

As reported on Digital Spy, Buckley’s mum said these words:

“Whoever gets the part will need a lot of self-discipline because they won’t be able to fake it. It’s going to take a phenomenal set of skills.”

So it’s going to need real talent as well as acting talent? Ah. Robert Pattinson is probably out then. This would mean the other hopefuls – Jared Leto, James Franco and James Marsden – should probably be struck off the list along with Captain Flatface.

Though, to be fair, at least he doesn’t smell. Even if all of his time will be taken up bathing in tween urine and making dozens of incredibly dull vampire films.

The quest to rape the memory of a reasonably-talented songmeister who had a ridiculously short life continues apace.

Reports that X Factor winner Alexandra Burke was set to feature in a DVD extra where she takes a steaming dump on the grave of Buckley while chanting “hallelujah” were unconfirmed at the time of writing.

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30 Seconds to Mars and their glorious leader Jared Leto had better check the back of their sofas for loose change.

They may have to resort to begging, borrowing or even stealing to get through this one – being sued by Virgin Records for $30 million isn’t the kind of thing you can get by simply by using the cash you carry in your wallet. Maybe they could sell their instruments and equipment – though this would of course mean they can no longer play as a band…

So in other words, it would be win-win.

But why such a huge amount? Well, according to Virgin, Jared Leto and 30 Seconds to Mars were contracted to provide three albums, but didn’t. Apparently this is worth that much money to the company, so they’ve gone and sued that movie star from the band to get what they think is rightfully theirs.

$30 million though? Crikey.

And it seems it isn’t just hecklerspray that thinks the figure is a bit – shall we say – ‘excessive’. In a post on the official 30 Seconds to Mars forum, Jared wrote these words with his fingers, and possibly toes:

“So, as you may have heard we are being sued by our former record company for the ridiculously oversized, totally unrealistic and pretty silly (but slightly clever) sum of $30,000,000. Insane? Yea that’s what we said too.”

But what was the actual story behind it? Well, Messr Leto wasn’t about to leave his legion of 14-year-old female fans in the lurch when it came to the legalese, going on in the post:

“We had been signed to our record contract for nine years. Basically, under California law, where we live and signed our deal, one cannot be bound to a contract for more than seven years. This is widely known by all the record companies and has been for years. In fact, so aware of it are they that they desperately try to make deals outside of California whenever possible. It is a law that protects people from lengthy, unfair, career-spanning contracts. This law also gave us the legal right to explore other possible opportunities.”

And not one to leave it with a short, concise explanation of the matter – nor, seemingly, one to avoid underhanded bitchy comments, that one from Fight Club went on about a feud with more point than his last one:

“Yes we have been sued by EMI. But NOT for failing to deliver music or for ‘quitting.’ We have been sued by the corporation quite simply because roughly 45 days ago we exercised our legal right to terminate our old, out of date contract, which, according to the law is null and void. We terminated for a number of reasons, which we won’t go into here (we’d rather not air any dirty laundry) but basically our representatives could not get EMI to agree to make a fair and reasonable deal.”

To be fair, being sued for $30 million is probably a good enough reason to get at least a bit bitchy, and it’s the kind of thing that will make you feel as depressed as if you’ve been forced to sit and watch Requiem for a Dream 17 times in a row. Yes – that bad. So it is understandable that some complaints would be aired.

Shockingly enough, EMI (the group that owns Virgin Records) countered with some statementage of their own, offering these nuggets up:

“EMI’s relationship with 30STM has been extremely rewarding and successful for both the band and the company. The hard work of EMI’s global team and of the band has resulted in sales of three million albums and singles, multiple awards and a growing, global fan base.”

To be honest, you’d think that if they were suing a band for such an incredible amount of money they’d bother to write the full name out, not abbreviate it like it would take too much of their valuable lawsuit time up. Anyway, it went from amicable and half-written to some of the usual ‘we’re not an evil major label, honestly’ gubbins:

“However, we have been forced to take procedural, legal steps in order to protect EMI’s investment and rights during contract renegotiations initiated by the band and management. We hope to resolve these matters amicably and put them behind us so we can continue working in partnership with the band to take them to even greater levels of success.”

While it isn’t very fair for a band to go back on a contractual obligation, it does feel a bit like EMI are saying ‘either they come back to us and release more albums, thus making us money, or we get $30 million out of them anyway. Not like we’re trying to hold them hostage or anything’. A bit, at least. We mean – he may have missed out an album, but he’s given his blood for this band – is that not worth anything?

Well, no, probably not. But still.

We’re not exactly fans of 30 Seconds to Mars at hecklerspray, nor do we care much about Jared Leto and his face (apart from that bit in Fight Club), but… well… thirty million dollars? Are they shitting well kidding?!

If EMI expected to make that much money from a new album then they either have a severely skewed view of the world or there are far more fools with no taste buying music in this world than we originally thought.

It’s been eight or nine seconds since our last Jessica Simpson and Tony Romo update, so you’re probably flapping about like a cold turkey junkie desperate for more.

No? You’re not? Your interest in Jessica Simpson and Tony Romo’s relationship is completely casual and you can stop reading about them any time you want? Stop kidding yourself, you’ve got a problem. Listen, if you’re not addicted to Jessica Simpson news, then try not to read the next paragraph.

Jessica Simpson and Tony Romo were spotted out eating dinner last weekend, prompting speculation that their relationship is back on. Yeah, that’s right. We knew you’d read it. And we haven’t even got to the part about Jessica Simpson apparently cheating on Tony Romo with Jared Leto, either. Addict.

People always want what they can’t have, don’t they? Look at Jessica Simpson – she’s desperate for all the things she can’t have, like a regular-shaped jawbone and a voice that doesn’t make her cry with shame whenever she hears it.

She’s got plenty, like a Dad-pleasing rack and a lovely athletic boyfriend, but that means nothing. Especially when Ashlee Simpson keeps rubbing her dirty-looking emo husband from a rubbish band under Jessica’s nose. That’s why, if rumours in the National Enquirer are to be believed, Jessica Simpson went out and slept with the world’s dirtiest-looking emo from the world’s rubbishest band – Jared Leto from 30 Seconds To Mars – while she was still with Tony Romo.

If the rumours are true, then they seem to prove two key facts about Jessica Simpson – firstly that she just loves those boys with four-letter consonant vowel consonant vowel surnames, and secondly that she enjoys jeopardising relationships with nice young men by having quick bunk-ups with grubby blokes who look quite smelly, like the Jackass boys who Jessica allegedly slept with during her marriage to Nick Lachey.

But don’t get too excited about the imminent prospect of a mentally-scarring Simpson/Leto sex tape, because Jared Leto’s manager has denied that any of it happened. And, just to prove how strong they are, Jessica Simpson has been seen out eating giant hunks of meat with Tony Romo, as OK! reports:

The on-again-off-again twosome holed themselves up in a corner booth at N9NE Steakhouse in Dallas’ Victory Park on Saturday, the Dallas Morning News reports. Enjoying a hearty meal of steak (her) and burger (him), Tony and Jess kept to themselves, but did acknowledge Tony’s teammate, Isaiah Stanback, a receiver/kick returner, who was also at the establishment with his parents.

So, it looks like after splitting up with him and the possibly getting back together with him, Jessica Simpson and Tony Romo are definitely back on.* Hooray!

And, better than that, Jessica Simpson didn’t have sex with Jared Leto! That’s good news for all kinds of reasons – mainly because the thought of Jared Leto’s naked pasty emo body makes us feel physically ill, but partly because if it was true, Ashlee Simpson would have to retaliate by sleeping with someone more rubbish and unconvincingly emo to reinforce her position as emo Simpson daughter number one. And the only person more rubbish and unconvincingly emo than Jared Leto is evil Peter Parker from Spider-Man 3. Ugh.

*hecklerspray reserves the right to change its mind about this and pretend that they were always doomed wherenever the next Jessica Simpson/ Tony Romo split rumour comes along. So by the end of the day, then.