A fresh, rejuvenated, rehabilitated Amy Winehouse has made the difficult decision to cancel her entire European tour after the entire internet has spent the week laughing at her inability to perform a song that she wrote all by herself during a recent gig in Belgrade.

Confirmation came on Sunday that Ms Winehouse had cancelled performances in Istanbul and Athens. The singer had been due to perform right across Southern Europe as part of her triumphant, if understated, comeback tour.

The decision to can the remaining shows came after the thinking person’s Peter Doherty was booed at the Belgrade concert for slurring her words and appearing incoherent and… well… a little bit pissed throughout the performance.

We could make jokes about the fact that her staunch refusal to go to rehab from the song ‘Rehab’ now seems to have come back round to punch he career in the face but we’re not ‘those people’.

Amy has now officially cancelled all 12 dates of her upcoming tour, which would have seen her performing in Austria, Italy, Poland, Spain, Switzerland, Romania and Hungary throughout the summer. A spokesman for the singer and her management stated:

“Amy Winehouse is withdrawing from all scheduled performances, everyone involved wishes to do everything they can to help her return to her best and she will be given as long as it takes for this to happen.”

It is not known whether or not refunds will be offered to those poor, gullible idiots that didn’t see this coming and whether they will be keeping the money of the ghouls who bought tickets with the solitary goal of seeing a woman with severe addiction problems falter horribly in front of an excitable crowd.

After time spent in London’s Priory Clinic at the end of May, the singer was said to be continuing her recovery as an outpatient however, her recent slump in Belgrade suggests that she might have tumbled off the wagon only to be trampled by the horses of the other fifteen wagons that she’s fallen off on her way to that one.

Of course, you ghoulish lot didn’t click on this story to read our words, did you? You clicked it in order to have an excuse to gaze in wide-eyed delight at a woman completely screwing up her career based on the advice of an entourage of sharks. Well, we’re not here to disappoint you so here’s Amy Winehouse “performing” ‘You Know That I’m No Good’ during the Belgrade gig. Ironically, she wasn’t.

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As Lindsay Lohan knows, the hardest part of being a recovering alcoholic isn't getting sober – it's staying sober long enough to turn down rubbishy films about forgetful strippers.

Or even staying sober at all, for that matter. A video has emerged of Lindsay Lohan swigging from a bottle of champagne at a New Year's Eve party in Italy, even though she pretty much spent almost every waking hour of 2007 in various rehab clinics trying to kick the booze for good. However, the good news is that the video only shows Lindsay Lohan taking one gulp of champagne before putting it down – which either means that a) Lindsay realised what she was jeopardising by drinking and responsibly stopped or b) Lindsay realised that her alcohol-soaked gut had developed an immunity to sparkling wine and put it down to find something more boozy, like vodka or lighter fluid or some of her own urine.

It's been made clear that 2008 is Lindsay Lohan's Year Of Sex, something that she's already put into action by getting off with every Italian man on Earth in the space of about an hour and a half. But the thing about trying to have it off with all the men in the world is that many of them aren't very sexy. How to cope? Since quitting Lindsay Lohan's Year Of Sex before it's begun isn't an option, this leaves Lindsay with two options – either she can harness her acting skills and pretend that she's enjoying herself or she can get wankered on booze and numb the unpleasantness.

Since anyone who's seen I Know Who Killed Me knows that the first choice is a physical impossibility, that just leaves Lindsay Lohan with the alcoholic option. But the problem there is that Lindsay Lohan has a bit of a history with alcohol. Last year Lindsay was arrested for DUI twice and went to roughly three thousand different rehab centres trying to dry out and get her life back in order.

So what's it to be? Does Lindsay Lohan try to power through Lindsay Lohan's Year Of Sex with booze or does she wisely avoid even the merest hint of alcohol in the knowledge that it's already undone her career, bashed up her personal life and sent her to jail? Go on, guess.

It's the booze, of course! Lindsay Lohan has been filmed swigging from a bottle of champagne at an Italian nightclub on New Year's Eve. Looky…

But relax – the video only shows Lindsay Lohan taking a single swig from the bottle, and Lindsay's lawyer Blair Berk has been quick to point out that the taste of alcohol alone freaked her out enough to get help:

"After being handed a champagne bottle while on the dance floor in Italy on New Year's Eve and drinking from it, the good news is that Lindsay stopped herself, called her sponsor and got herself back on track. There is no magic cure here. The most unfortunate part of this is that Lindsay has to share her 'one day at a time' with the entire world."

As much as we're impressed by Lindsay Lohan's apparent strictness, we're also just relieved that she stopped at one gulp of champagne. As we all know, after two gulps Lindsay starts giving idiotic interviews about how she doesn't have a problem, after three gulps she starts screeching things like "I can't get in trouble. I'm a celebrity. I can do whatever the fuck I want."

And at five gulps? Well, let's just pray that she never reaches five gulps again.

Read more:

Lindsay Off, Back On Wagon - E! Online 

Lindsay Lohan is nothing if not a people person, so long as those people are male, Italian, slightly demented by lust and in possession of a tongue that they can waggle around inside Lindsay's gob.

Lindsay Lohan, you see, was in Capri recently for a film festival – something that she celebrated by snogging the arse off almost all of the island's men. Well, three of them at least – if accounts are to be believed, Lindsay Lohan managed to smooch waiter Alessandro Di Nunzio and actors Dario Faiella and Eduardo Costa all within the space of 24 hours. So it seems that Lindsay Lohan's type is Italian men from Capri. Well, Italian men. Well, men. Well, humans. Well, any living creature of any kind, really. Or objects. Any living creature or any inanimate object. We hope that's narrowed it down a little.

Lindsay Lohan is a woman who enjoys dividing her years up into themes. For example, to pick two years at random, Lindsay Lohan's 2007 was the year of cocaine, booze, rehab and arrests while 2005 was the year of wacky family movies about magical cars.

And, by the looks of it, 2008 is going to be Lindsay Lohan's Year Of Sex. The boyfriend that Lindsay Lohan picked up in rehab recently claimed that she's replaced her addiction to drugs and alcohol with an addiction to sex, and that she's made an unspoken pact with herself that, come December 2008, there won't be an inch of anything on the whole planet not covered in the sluglike goo trail from Lindsay Lohan's worn-out vagina.

Judging by her exploits at the weekend, it seems as if Lindsay Lohan's Year Of Sex started in Capri. On the island with Hayden Panettiere to attend a film festival – the annual Capri Straight To DVD Gala, perhaps, or the Festival Of Shit Films About Amnesiac Strippers – Lindsay Lohan made it her duty to smash through as many of the men who strayed into her path as possible. The Sun reports:

The Mean Girls actress, 21, was first snapped smooching with waiter Alessandro Di Nunzio shortly after arriving in the Italian island of Capri for a film festival. But just a few hours later she was locking lips with a new Italian stallion – handsome actor Eduardo Costa. Lusty Lindsay then rounded off her naughty weekend by kissing another local thespian – long-haired actor Dario Faiella, the son of Italian music legend Peppino Di Capri. 

Judging by the speed that Lindsay Lohan batted through those three men – and the length of time left in 2008 – it's a statistical certainty that someone reading this is going to become a victim of Lindsay Lohan's Year Of Sex. Now, it's important to remember that Lindsay Lohan is promiscuous by profession, and you're probably just an enthusiastic amateur at best, so if you even happen to blunder into Lindsay Lohan's eyeline, chances are it's already too late for you. Just remember to always pack some protection and you'll be fine.

No, not condoms, you idiot. We mean cyanide capsules hidden in your false teeth. It won't stop her, but at you won't be able to feel anything.

Read more:

Lindsay has 3 Italians in a day – The Sun