Look up the word 'sexy' in the dictionary and you'll find the definition 'Gene Simmons out of Kiss half-heartedly schtupping a fake-titted bimbo to the strains of I Wanna Know What Love Is by Foreigner.'

Having trouble visualising that? Don't be - because that's the exact thing you can see on the alleged Gene Simmons sex tape, which actually exists and is on the internet now.

Oh, and we should probably warn you that the Gene Simmons sex tape is so ferociously wrong on every known level from beginning to end that we think we lost our sense of smell watching it. And we lost it for you.

The nine-minute video of Tom Cruise claiming that only Scientologists are able to cure car-crash victims has seen Tom Cruise get the worst reviews of his life, save for maybe Days Of Thunder.

And, unsurprisingly, Tom Cruise isn't exactly happy that his genuinely disturbing Scientology rant has found its way onto the internet. Sources are claiming that Tom Cruise is "extremely unhappy" about the video being mocked across the internet in such a widespread way.

But, as Tom Cruise says himself in the Scientology video, it's rough and tumble, it's wild and woolly and it's a blast. And, as Tom Cruise also says: "Eeehyuhyuhyuhehhhh!" Or however you spell that deranged chuckle of his.

The release of a Britney Spears sex tape is probably the last thing the girl needs in her current faintly distressing circumstance.

And not just her either - most right-minded people have already seen so much of Britney over the past few months that they'd probably prefer to catch herpes off a slutty monkey than even begin to accept that a Britney Spears sex tape exists.

But tough titties, because a Britney Spears sex tape apparently does exist, and it's a bald-headed one, too. Kiss your libido goodbye, folks.

Think back 14 months, when it was revealed that naked Marcia Cross photos had been found by a removal firm, and that they would be splashed across the internet any day.

Chances are you probably thought "Candid naked pictures of the ginger one from Desperate Housewives? Why, that doesn't sound appealing in the slightest." But it's too late - 410 days later, those naked Marcia Cross photos have finally turned up on the internet. And boy oh boy, are they ever fantastic! OK, admittedly you probably need to be a big fan of Marcia Cross to enjoy her naked photos fully, plus it'd help if you found the sight of a 45-year-old mother of twins with bright red hair and pubes sexually exciting. Oh, and it's a given that you'll have to be a connoisseur of outdoor photos taken so shoddily that they make you feel like a grubbily intrusive next door neighbour perving on people in secret.

You're all of those things? Great! Naked Marcia Cross photos it is, then.

Literally every single aspect of Britney Spears' 2007 has ended up as a painfully embarrassing disaster, but it's not all bad - at least an army of friendless geeks still love her.

Yahoo has just published its top 10 internet searches of 2007, and Britney Spears has come out on top yet again, making her officially bigger than professional wrestling, Saddam Hussein and Fergie out of the Black Eyed Peas. She may be in the middle of her own private hell, but at least by being searched for on Yahoo more than anything else this year, Britney Spears can still take comfort from the fact that she's still popular.

We just wish we had the heart to tell her that most of the searches in full were either for 'Britney Spears' horrible minge,' 'Britney Spears looking like a dick at the MTV awards', 'Britney Spears is a terrible mother' or 'Britney Spears: why?'