Hold on to your wizard robes, we’re riding the magical flying unicorn into battle on the plains of Interwebtopia! A rich plunder awaits our marauding hordes. There’s the mighty gnome tower of ThatisprobablyillegalinMalaysia, the verdant fields of Disgustingbutimustkeepwatching and the deep dark valleys of Howmanygirlsandhowmanycups.
All the best treasures of the rich and varied Interwebtopia shall be piled at the high altar at Castle hecklerspray and we can all rejoice as King Mof eats a baby.
EATS A BABY!
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Yay! It’s that time again! When you all gather round the fireplace and listen to Uncle Randy amaze you with tales of life on the Good Ship hecklerspray, chasing flaxen haired maidens and hunting an elusive catch on the wide, wild web.
Well, maybe not. You’ll sit there gormlessly scanning through the list for words like ‘boobs’ or ‘axe wielding re-animated corpse’ depending on your sexual preferences. Meanwhile we’ll go back to sipping our pint of Toilet Duck and mumbling about ‘mutineers’ and ‘thar she blows’.
So let’s get this over with, our pint is getting warm. We’ve once again spent hours gazing into our crystal ball and rattling our runes to bring you 10 of the web’s least disappointing pages. THAR SHE BLOWS!
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God’s nicely pressed trousers! It’s that time again. When we drag you away from furiously masturbating over letsknit.co.uk to guide you through the World Wide Weird.
So put down the Kleenex for just a moment, let us hold your crusty mitts and shush your deranged mumblings about ‘beatutiful angora sets’ and gawp in awe at the world outside…online.
Shut up and read on.
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Fresh from its victorious sinking of the Tumblr Trawler, Webthump is here to receive your adulation!
Well, not quite. We’ve donned our fisherman’s waders to have a carcinogenic rummage in the foetid, elbow-deep cesspool that is the Internet. All to bring you something to gawp at while fondling your shriveled genitals. We could have been doing something useful with our time, like whittling voodoo dolls of Russell ‘new relationship’ Brand from old lolly sticks.
From the congealed masses of pornography and dead Myspace pages we’ve managed to dredge up a few sparkling gems of entertainment. We’ve brought you 10 of the best, worst and weirdest that mankind’s collective intelligence can vomit up.
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Poor famous people. They get plebs saying nasty things to them, which is of course, completely different to the lives of us normal troglodytes who spend an eternity being thoroughly pleasant to each other, without cross words ever uttered.
One such sad case is Kylie who has had to call the police because someone wrote some nasty words on twitter.
No, honestly.
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Here at hecklerspray we like nothing more than the cold icy crevasse of hard work. Seriously, we don’t even whistle whilst. It really is like we are the cogs in the grinding mechanism of a distribution machine in the factory of universal contribution.
The endearing, eccentric Rhys Ifans kind of ones, obv.
But no, we really appreciate the hard grievous labour of the world of work. Well, we were like that, until we logged on to Twitter, and were immediately diagnosed with the mostly symptomless but ultimately very aggressive form of LOL Addiction that is!
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Pre-determination is something that the same fools who believe in superstition go in for in a big way. You might recognise it as fate or the ‘thundering approach to emotional and financial oblivion’. If you believe in fate then you probably married the first person who ever gave you an orgasm and are now woefully unhappy, only able to console yourself by watching romantic comedies.
Even as you do so, you realise everything seems to work out well for the shining-faced Hollywood elite. That is despite their belief and reliance on exactly the same concept which has led you to a life of raised voices and thinly veiled hatred. Fate worked out okay for them, didn’t it? Why not you?
Anyway, enough about your bitter, twisted existence.
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Alright, another hollerin’ at the back. So then. What the hell is going on here? And why do we still visit this wretched website, and why do our children all live in cabins where they currently do not have phone connections? – We hear you cry! Don’t worry, we’ll give you a leg up.
So, we’ve all had our run-ins with the ol’ Twitter dot com over the past couple of years, haven’t we? O, the scandal that have been caused! O, the incensed exhales we have expended! O, The Macarena! It was all going so well.
Alas as it came to stand, somewhere down the line, the social networking database has met with disaster, and heartache, like in that film The Social Network, about the other social network. Then in came the cruel side of Twitter: The superinjections, the brain of Natalie Cassidy, and of course the having of an Alan Sugar Twitter account.
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