WEBTHUMP! 22 Feb 2012

Yay! It’s that time again! When you all gather round the fireplace and listen to Uncle Randy amaze you with tales of life on the Good Ship hecklerspray, chasing flaxen haired maidens and hunting an elusive catch on the wide, wild web.

Well, maybe not.  You’ll sit there gormlessly scanning through the list for words like ‘boobs’ or ‘axe wielding re-animated corpse’ depending on your sexual preferences. Meanwhile we’ll go back to sipping our pint of Toilet Duck and mumbling about ‘mutineers’ and ‘thar she blows’.

So let’s get this over with, our pint is getting warm.  We’ve once again spent hours gazing into our crystal ball and rattling our runes to bring you 10 of the web’s least disappointing pages.  THAR SHE BLOWS!

10. Balls, an Australian Teenage Boy’s hands, Roger Federer.  We’ll let you think that one over and have a guess where you think this video is going to end up.  Yep, you guessed it, The Guardian.  Where did you think it was going?  Perv.  The video is the everlasting chronicle of the coolest moment in Dylan Colaci’s young life.  It’s not just the young Aussie lad’s ninja reflexes, it’s the Fonz-like  cool with which he snatches speeding balls from the air.

9. No British child can grow up without being able to recognize David Attenborough‘s voice.  He’s like Morgan Freeman, but not as cool and less likely to describe Tim Robbins being anally violated.  Old Dave is British as tea, hooliganism or The Falklands.  You hear that Argentina?  Why are we so proud of this slightly mental old man?  Because he can make the world seem so much less poo with stuff like this.  We assume that Dave personally hypnotised all the monkeys, lions and other animals we can’t eat and got them to perform perfectly for the camera.  Even doing things very, very, very slowly.

8. Death is never funny.  Unless it happens to a clown.  And that’s more of a relief, because it’s one less clown that could be hiding under our bed.  Evil creatures.  But sometimes it’s ok to laugh at a corpse, or be mildly perturbed by it mis-matched eyes, extra heads or jauntily angled top hat.  All of which are possible on a self explanatory Facebook page.  Badly Stuffed Animals.  Some of the long-since-departed have the shocked expression of a recently shot gazelle while others of a wolf receiving a prostate exam.

7.  This has done the rounds recently, but it’s still fun.  We love the idea of time, intelligence and money being wasted on super-sizing the games we used to play in the woods.  Well, apart from those ones involving  fireworks and baby rabbits, we know better than that now.  Clearly though, these guys have had a much more wholesome upbringing.  Either that or they are mad enough to see a large rock formation and announce “I’m going to jump off that”, to which the only logical reply is “hang on, let me film this”.  And they said we had issues.

6. Our childhod may have been a festival of pant-wetting and accidental explosions.  Yet there are those out there who were brought up messing about with these little horrorshows.  We’re not sure what would be worse, the toy or the child who isn’t too scared to play with them.  That child is destined for a life of medication and meeting that begin “Mr Spray, I must warn you that you are under investigation.”

5. The world is a rotten place.  Thoroughly terrible.  It has probably hit rock bottom now that you can ‘help’ the world by announcing your bowel movements.  The premise of give-a-shit is rather lovely, tell the world you care about an issue.  Alas, you do this whenever you are making little brown fish.  Not only does all of Facebook and Twitter know about this but the starving masses around the world known that you overdid it on the fat, juicy steak and are a bit bunged up.  While we’re a bit freaked out by knowing that the UK gives 6.58% of all the shits given, we really are scared of the pretty girl taking a dump in the video.

4. This weird little wonder has consumed a surprising amount of our time.  There’s a voyeuristic satisfaction to be gained from finding out which ‘sleb is a secret smoker, much more satisfying than digging though their bins.  Starsmoke is an A to Z of famous puffers indulging their habits.  Having a look through the site feels a bit naughty, because smoking is social leprosy isn’t it?  So why does James Dean look so damn cool?  Is it the cigarette or silky lingerie that make Natalie Imbruglia look so smoking hot?  None of these people are coughing up entire lungs, we’re very confused by this!

3. Some of the best things occur when two differing things collide.  We can’t think of any good examples now, but Babies With Moustaches is certainly worth a look.  A creepy look at pudgy bags of burbling meat sporting mighty facial fuzz.  Give it 5 minutes and you’ll be whistfully stroking your embarrassingly bald chin and doting on your own inadequacy.

2. Firstly, we know this is a semi-advert for a London based production company.  We’re fine with that.  Secondly, we’re not sure exactly how many children were shot in the production of this video.  Probably millions.  This video is so marvelously dry in it’s humour that we’re sure it’ll confuse Americans.  We’re not quite sure what the production company are trying to say about themseves, “we’ll have two ideas so shockingly awful you’ll want to destroy them with a shotgun”.  Not a great advert in that respect, but very funny.  Or disturbing.

1. This is an oldie, but goldie. It’s from Chat Roulette and, if you’re not familiar with it, wait until you are at work before you search for it.  It’s brilliant, your boss will love it.  Provided your boss loves seeing live webcam feeds of semi naked men.  And so many to choose from!  This is why we are really rather impressed with this offering.  There’s not a naked man in sight, just one slightly geeking chap with an incredible romantic streak.  Oddly romantic considering he has never actually met the girl.

If you’ve been affected by any of the issues ridiculed in this article please direct abuse to us at Facebook or on Twitter.  Any suggestions for future Webthump!s will be considered, all suggestions for rectal insertions will be exercised at the Editor’s will.  Nothing larger than a cucumber please.

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Comments

  1. Grumpy Old Ratbag says

    Thank you, thank you thank you for the Badly Stuffed Animals link. Best laugh I’ve had for a very long time