Britney Spears is moving house. That’s roughly it. She lived somewhere, soon she’ll be living somewhere else and that’s it. On a Twitter post, Britney Spears claimed that she’d shown her kids around the new house and they apparently love it. This is the bad news.

The good news is that Britney Spears decided to sell her old home at the height of this economic crisis. We assume that means Britney Spears is still slightly mental. Win.

Traditionally Britney Spears likes to make a dent in the year as early as she can – last January she ended up being sectioned and the January before she ended up collapsing in a nightclub – but 2009 seems to starting with a bit of a damp squib as far as Britney Spears is concerned.

Where once there were stories of froth-mouthed tantrums and confusing baldness, now there are only stories about property investment. What’s more, they’re stories about property investment told in less than 140 characters, because Britney Spears has been talking about her new home on Twitter. OK! reports:

The luxury pad, reportedly worth £4million, is said to have a marble and glass mosaic pool, a cinema and a rose garden. And it’s a hit with sons Jayden James, 2, and Sean Preston, 3. ‘I just took my babies to our new home, and they loved it!,’ Britney writes on blogging site Twitter. ‘I can’t wait to move in.’

Interestingly, it’s thought that Britney Spears is only renting her new home while she builds a purpose-built mansion elsewhere. That’s actually not a bad idea, because a home that’s been specially designed would be able to house everything that Britney Spears needs – like a pool, a large playroom for her children, a dance studio, maybe some recording facilities, a padded room with a tethered bed in it in case Britney has another incident, a big cage for her father to keep her in all the time she isn’t touring or recording an album. That sort of thing.

But anyway, as enthralling as it is to hear about how Britney Spears is moving house, the important thing is that she’s now directly communicating with her fans via Twitter rather than, say, flapping her vagina around at them or relentlessly bullshitting on her website.

So let’s hope Britney Spears keeps this up – next thing you know she’ll be telling us about her curtains or the type of mustard she prefers the most. That’s as good as rubbing dogmuck on her dress and locking her own children in a bathroom, isn’t it? We literally can’t wait.

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But when a woman who a) looked like Paula, b) painted lifesize pictures of Paula and c) appeared on the TV show that Paula judges died outside Paula Abdul’s house surrounded by pictures and CDs all bearing Paula Abdul’s image in a car with a licence plate that professed her love for Paula Abdul, that may have tipped things to a new level.

Apparently Paula Abdul hasn’t slept in her own house since any of this happened. Well, duh.

Usually when a celebrity gets a stalker, it tends to confuse us a bit. For instance, we’ve had two and a half years to reflect on the fact that John Cusack has a stalker and we still can’t make head nor tail out of it – there are billions of people in the world, so why pin unattainable hero status on the bloke out of Con Air? It just doesn’t make sense.

But Paula Abdul, we’re sorry to say, seems like perfect stalker fodder. She ticks all the boxes. She’s pretty, she’s friendly, she used to be a popstar so people see her as a lost fragment of their youth and she often seems fairly incomprehensible, so people want to try and fix her when they meet her. Plus, if rumours are correct, she’s possibly OK with sleeping with people she barely knows.

But the main reason why Paula Abdul appears to be a likely victim for stalking is because she’s the nice one on American Idol – not only do thousands of deluded idiots pass in front of her eyes day after day, but Paula Abdul is often the only one who’ll cushion them from Simon Cowell’s withering put-downs and stop them feeling like total failures.

It’s a dangerous mix, which is why it was horribly unsurprising when Paula Abdul’s number one fan Paula Goodspeed was found dead near her house three weeks ago. The blame for her death could be laid at any number of doorsteps – but that doesn’t hide the fact that a young woman died, and that’s terribly sad.

And now Paula Abdul has decided to talk about Goodspeed’s death and how it affected her. It’s probably no surprise to hear that Paula’s been avoiding her home as much as possible since the incident, as People reports:

“I’ve been staying in different homes and hotels, and I have security with me… It was very tragic and very upsetting to hear. She had tried to do this before, and it was just heartbreaking … It was in the middle of Hollywood week, and it happened while I was actually working at the Kodak Theatre, and it was devastating to hear.”

The superficial knock-on effects of Paula Goodspeed’s death are obvious – Paula Abdul’s house is now inevitably on the market – but what’ll be interesting is seeing how Paula copes with this event in the longer term. Will she be frostier to the American Idol contestants?  Will she continue to judge American Idol at all?

Ultimately, though, we hope that Paula Abdul realises that this was an isolated – though unfortunately extreme – incident, and that not everyone has the same mental issues that Goodspeed appeared to suffer from.

As we’ve said before – it’s when Randy Jackson gets an obsessive fan that we’ll realise that the world has turned to shit. When that day comes, you’ll find us cowering in the bottom of our cupboard clutching a bottle of gin and a cricket bat.

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According to reports, Nick Nolte only clambered to safety from the blaze – said to be caused by an electrical fault – by smashing through a window to safety, after which he was treated for minor injuries and smoke inhalation.

Although the material cost of the house fire is immense, we should all be thankful that Nick Nolte managed to evade the inferno without any serious injuries, because this way we get to accompany the story with a picture of Nick Nolte’s 2002 DUI arrest mugshot. Ha ha ha, look! He’s wearing a funny shirt! And his hair’s all like ‘woarrrgh’ too! Ha ha ha. What a big idiot.

Every cloud has a silver lining. That statement is as true now as it’s ever been. Take Nick Nolte, for instance. He’s just lost his home in a house fire that he was lucky not to die in, so things are probably looking quite grim for him at the moment.

But look on the bright side – because lots of good is bound to come out of his near-tragic house fire. It means that a) people can be reminded that Nick Nolte exists, b) it takes the public’s memory away from that horrible Hulk film where Nick Nolte turns into a ball of pulsating thought and flies through a thunderstorm, and c) it stops people using that awful 2002 Nick Nolte mugshot every time they mention him.

Well, alright, not the last one. Look at it! Nick Nolte looks rubbish. Ha ha ha. What a funny-looking arsehole.

Anyway, back to the house fire. It seems as if Nick Nolte was genuinely lucky to escape through a window without any serious harm, because it gutted his Malibu home, even in the face of professional firefighting equipment like Nick Nolte’s garden hose. Reuters reports:

The fire caused $3 million in damage to the structure and contents of the house but the home was not destroyed, Inspector James Barnes of the fire department said. The flames were confined to the living room. “Nick Nolte was there apparently with a water hose trying to extinguish the fire himself and of course we came to help him out,” Barnes said.

What is it with Malibu and house fires these days? First Flea’s house burns down and now Nick Nolte’s house does the same? We thought Malibu was supposed to be luxurious. Although officially these two blazes were caused by wildfires and electrical faults respectively, we know differently. We’ve narrowed down the cause of all these Malibu fires to the following:

1 - The friction caused by J-Lo’s buttocks rubbing together during that triathlon she did.

2 - The kindling-style pile of tissues that Jennifer Aniston routinely uses to dry her own sad face with.

3 - The heat that builds up in Mel Gibson’s brain every time he concentrates on how much he dislikes the Jews.

But whatever the reason, the main think is that Nick Nolte is healthy and safe. Ah, who are we kidding – the main thing is that we can use a funny picture of Nick Nolte looking like a sad novelty sock shaped like a vacationing corpse. Look at him! Ha ha ha.

You see, Britney Spears has recently been told that her children are now allowed to spend overnight visits with her, an important step towards regaining custody. But Britney doesn't want to keep her kids in squashed-together, paparazzi-filled Beverly Hills any more – she wants them to live somewhere safer, somewhere cleaner, somewhere with a huge garden that the children can play in.

That's right, Britney Spears is preparing to move house, which means that Britney's current abode could soon be up for sale. We hear it's the perfect place for anyone who likes their houses huge, reeking of cigarette smoke and full of fun character features like puddles of tears and disturbing fingernail scratches gouged into every available surface.

When you get older, it's only natural that your priorities change. Everyone has, or will have, a point in their life when they'll think "Maybe life isn't completely about my career. Maybe it's time that I tried to win back custody of those kids I haven't seen much of since I went berserk and wound up in a mental hospital." It'll happen, promise.

And that seems to be Britney Spears' new mindset. Now that she's primarily a recovering psychiatric patient with a sideline in disappointing sitcom cameos, Britney's life is no longer about puking on boys and erroneously claiming to be the devil. It's about those closest to her, or at least those who would be closest to her if she hadn't been deemed legally unfit to care for them. Her kids, basically.

Britney Spears is definitely making moves in the right direction when it comes to her children. Just recently she was granted overnight visitation rights again, and now she's thinking about finding them a much more child-friendly environment to live in.

More child-friendly than her current paparazzi-invaded, prescription medication-strewn home? Does such a place even exist? BBC News reports:

Britney Spears is looking for a new home with extra outdoor space for her children to play in and more privacy, court records have revealed. Documents show the 26-year-old wants a property closer to parks for Sean Preston, two, and Jayden James, one. The star has stipulated she wants a "less trafficked" home than her current Beverly Hills house, which is constantly stalked by paparazzi.

It makes perfect sense for Britney Spears to live somewhere that's child-friendly, of course – even when the children aren't staying with her, Britney would probably prefer to live in a house where she's less likely to bang her head on a sharp cupboard door or flush both her feet down the toilet or anything like that.

However, finding the perfect child-friendly house might be quite a hard task for Britney Spears, as her demands are fairly steep. There aren't too many houses that have pillowy kitchen floors that won't fracture a baby's skull when you drop them on their head. For example.

We’d invented the Publisher’s Clearing House giant check printer. We would have gladly shared it with the world for free – but McMahon wouldn’t allow it. He patented the blue prints and made millions.

It doesn’t matter now though because it wasn’t enough – his house is going into foreclosure. That’s karma, Ed. You are just like China.

Perhaps some day soon Ed McMahon will go to his mailbox and find a letter from PETA, wherein it’s stated they’ll save his house if he’ll but throw away all his leather pajamas. Apparently PETA’s never worn leather pajamas – if they had they’d know such an offer was futile. Animal skin PJs are just so comfortable – especially when they’re fresh.

They tried something similar with Aretha Franklin, although we’re not sure if she took the bait. PETA offer or no, Ed McMahon is about to lose his house. Reuters will fill you in with the essentials:

“Ed McMahon, the longtime sidekick to U.S. talk show host Johnny Carson, is fighting to save his multimillion dollar Beverly Hills home from foreclosure, McMahon’s spokesman said on Wednesday…According to public records, McMahon was then about $644,000 in arrears on the mortgage for the six-bedroom, five-bathroom home in an exclusive area of Beverly Hills. The house has been on the market for about two years and the current asking price is $5.75 million.”

Further intense investigation on our part has revealed conclusively that McMahon’s current money-crunch started when he broke his neck and couldn’t work. We’d like to say we can relate, but our necks are all in perfect condition. Also we can’t relate because our mom has a really good job and can afford her home that we currently live in with three foreign exchange students and a fat pregnant bullmastiff.

Not that a little thing like the Back To The Future clocktower burning down will stop people from being curious about the 50 Cent house fire, though – especially as it came right in the middle of an ugly public feud between 50 Cent and his ex-girlfriend Shaniqua Tompkins, who was living in the house at the time.

And now the mystery has got a little deeper, because Tompkins is claiming that 50 Cent hasn’t bothered to call their 10-year-old son Marquise after the fire, even though he was treated for smoke inhalation. But you know what they say – better to have no contact at all than to record a mawkish vom-inducing Eminem-style ‘Daddy loves you’ track about it.

Good news – after owning little tiny dogs and being in drunken automobile accidents, the hot new celebrity fad to sweep America is the terrifying uncontrollable fire. Since Friday, 50 Cent’s house has burnt down and Universal Studios in Los Angeles has burnt down – leading to hopes that Paris Hilton and the cast of The Hills, eager to jump on board the fad while it’s still fresh, will soon deliberately set themselves on fire and run through the streets until their charred remains can only be identified by dental records.

But that’s something to look forward to. For the time being, however, let’s concern ourselves with the 50 Cent house fire, because it’s still so gloriously suspicious that we can only imagine it’ll be solved by a moustache-twirling detective pacing up and down an Edwardian drawing room.

If you missed them first time round, here are the details – a house owned by 50 Cent and occupied by his ex-girlfriend Shaniqua Tompkins and their 10-year-old son Marquise burnt down on Friday right in the middle of a bitter legal battle between 50 Cent (who wants to evict Shaniqua and Marquise for not paying rent) and Tompkins (who claims that 50 Cent promised that the house was a gift).

And with the fire department calling the fire suspicious, it seems as if everyone’s got a motive. 50 Cent could have wanted to intimidate Shaniqua into leaving, Shaniqua could have wanted to destroy the house that she was being made to leave, any number of third parties could have started the blaze, or there’s our current favourite theory – that Marquise started the fire because the pain of being a boy named Marquise has turned him into a warped, fire-obsessed sociopath.

Whatever the cause, though, it doesn’t look as if 50 Cent is in any hurry to make sure that his son’s not too badly shaken by the fire, as the New York Daily News reports:

The mother of 50 Cent’s son angrily slammed the superstar rapper as an uncaring father who didn’t check on the boy after a suspicious fire ripped through his Long Island mansion. Yesterday, she returned to the charred $2.4 million house to retrieve some belongings – and scorch her former lover. “Tell him to call his son!” Tompkins screamed at reporters gathered near the Dix Hills house. “He didn’t even attempt to call his son to see how he was doing!” she said. “A good father would do that!”

How dare Shaniqua Tompkins accuse 50 Cent of being a bad father. He works hard to ensure that there’s food on his son’s table – sometimes he’ll put in gruelling three-hour shifts mumbling to himself about that time he got shot over an insultingly derivative backing track in a state-of-the-art recording studio to keep Marquise in stale bread and second-hand shoes.

However, this is still just one person’s word against another. As things stand at this point in time, there’s no way of knowing if 50 Cent or Shaniqua Tompkins or anyone else had a hand in starting the house fire. And there’s only one way to properly, officially get to the bottom of a squabble this deep and wide-ranging – Maury.

That’s because 50 Cent’s house has just spectacularly and completely burnt to the ground. But don’t worry – 50 Cent is fine. The house that burnt down wasn’t the house he lives in, just the house that his ex-girlfriend and their 10-year-old son live in. Phew! Panic over.

They’re both OK as well, by the way – but that hasn’t stopped a fireman calling the blaze ’suspicious’, not least because 50 Cent has been trying to evict his ex-girlfriend and son from the property for a while now. Still, if we know anything about the hip-hop community, it’s that it’s full of exemplary citizens who like nothing more than to cooperate with potentially criminal investigations by the authorities.

50 Cent is an intensely private individual. Back when he got shot, for example, 50 Cent vowed only to refer to the incident in most of his songs, all of his interviews and a specially written pseudo-autobiographical movie. And chances are he’ll be just as coy about his house in Dix Hills burning down just now.

Because, if recently losing a high-profile challenge with Kanye West and being forced to quit music forever (at least in theory) wasn’t bad enough – let alone being implicated in a human growth hormone scandal and being robbed by a scrawny dude onstage – then watching his $1.4 million, six bedroom house go up in flames should be enough to reduce any man to a temporary state of blissful silence.

Well, that and the fact that the fire is being treated as suspicious and just a few days ago 50 Cent was seen furiously arguing in public with the tenant – his ex-girlfriend Shaniqua Tompkins, who lives there with their 10-year-old son Marquise. Newsday reports on the fire:

An eyewitness told Newsday that among the injured, all of whom suffered smoke inhalation according to fire officials, were 50 Cent’s ex-girlfriend, Shaniqua Tompkins, and their 10-year-old son, Marquise. “She was all right,” eyewitness Frank Hoyte, a Newsday employee, said, adding: “But she was angry.”One of the first firefighters to arrive on the scene told Newsday the fire was suspicious. “I would say there is a strong — a strong, strong — possibility that it is suspicious,” Dix Hills Fire Department Chief Larry Feld said.

This is great – anyone could be responsible for the fire. You see, 50 Cent recently filed a lawsuit trying to evict Shaniqua Tompkins and their son from the house unless he started receiving $4,500 a month in rent from them, while Tompkins countersued because she says 50 Cent promised to put the house in her name and then didn’t.

So did 50 Cent have the house burned down to get rid of Tompkins? Or did Tompkins burn the house down to punish 50 Cent? Or was it the doing of one of 50 Cent’s enemies? Or was it an accident? Or did little 10-year-old Marquise burn the house down partly as an effort to push his parents back together and partly because he hates them both for giving him such a gay little name? Can we stop caring about this any time soon?

No, really, that last one was serious.

Campbell's not the only fashion model sometimes mistaken for hurricane Katrina – the up and comers on America's Next Top Model are apparently destructive too. That's precisely why their landlord is currently suing them.

Models are an odd sort. When they're not being tempted to touch the chests of greasy dictators they dress up fat to ask common folk for dates. And when they're not doing that they're bringing turned-on garden hoses indoors to wash the couch – or so recent allegations approximate anyway.

America's Next Top Model is a reality show in which several girls live together, and by coincidence they all walk extremely well. Each of their goals is to harness their walking power and marry a Brady. If they can't do it they have to go home.

Sometimes their goals are to trash their personal residence too. That's what the guy who owned their most recent abode says anyway. More specifically he said:

"I just found three dead donkeys bleeding in the master closet."

He then went on to rant about how it'd only been three days since he'd been there last, and why on Earth would the girls slaughter burros in any room but the kitchen. Actually… yeah, sorry. That quote was from an upcoming story on the younger kid from Mr. Belvedere. Oops.

The quote for this story though, the one with the Top Model girls having indoor slip and slides or something, well E! Online provides this one:

"The pretty ladies and production crew from the latest round of America's Next Top Model are being accused of doing $500,000 worth of damage to the TriBeCa loft where they lived for 10 weeks. (The show has purportedly offered to pony up $125,000.) Some of the alleged atrocities include ketchup and coffee stains on the $20,000 drapes, lipstick on the walls and so much water damage in the bathroom, it has to be tested for mold."

Well now you know. If any reality show ever approaches you and asks if they could please film in your home, say no. Especially if it's Survivor. We heard the next season is gonna start with 16 high-strung germaphobes.

Read More:

America's Next Top Models Trash Tribeca Loft – Gothamist

It doesn't matter that Britney Spears is now being looked after by her family and seems to be making inroads into overcoming whatever problems she's suffered from, because it's fairly obvious that Britney Spears would receive far better treatment from a supermodel she's probably never met and her balladeering husband.

Which is why Heidi Klum has invited Britney Spears to come and live with her, either until Britney's completely better or until Heidi's children get so freaked out by Britney constantly rubbing herself and muttering in confusing British accents that they promise not to keep taking mummy for granted so much.

It's a well-known fact that Heidi Klum doesn't have blood running through her veins, but pure white healing light. There is literally nothing that Heidi Klum won't do for her fellow man. If you ask Heidi Klum for money, she'll definitely give it to you and maybe more, if the way she took pity on poor old scar-faced Seal off the Space Jam soundtrack and let him do it with her until she got pregnant is anything to go by. 

There's no doubt at the moment that the person most in need of a dose of Heidi Klum's philanthropic goodness is Britney Spears. She's been through so much, and nothing has really succeeded in helping her. Britney Spears got her kids taken away and that didn't make her better, Britney Spears ended up living in a padded cell and that didn't make her better – not even the time-honoured practise of mashing anti-psychotic drugs into her food could make Britney Spears better. 

Now it looks as if the short-leash conservatorship approach taken by her father is slowly helping Britney Spears to understand the magnitude of her problems, but in the eyes of some that's still not enough. Britney Spears, they say, will stay damaged until she goes to live with Heidi Klum for a while.

And by 'the eyes of some' we mean 'the eyes of Heidi Klum' as the Associated Press reports:

Heidi Klum wants to help Britney Spears. The 34-year-old model says she'd be willing to open her home to Spears while the troubled pop singer puts her life back together. "She can call me and come live in our house with us for a couple of months," said Klum, a mother of three who is married to the singer Seal and lives in Beverly Hills, Calif. "I would help set her straight. I am sorry when a young person gets thrown so off track," Klum said, according to a transcript of an interview that will be aired Monday night by the German broadcaster ARD. "She has, of course, lived an extremely wild life."

This stunning level of altruism has inspired everyone at hecklerspray to follow Heidi Klum's lead and help other people, too – next time we hear of a young person in crisis, we're going to do as Heidi did and open our doors to them. Also like Heidi did, we won't offer the troubled youngster help directly, but we'll mention it in passing in a language that they don't even speak on a TV show broadcast in a country that they wouldn't even be able to find on a map. 

Heidi Klum's our hero. Really, she's like the Pope or Bono or something.

Read more:

Klum Says She Wants to Help Spears – Associated Press 

This week: Ghosts/Myths

The Battle of Gettysburg was just what it sounds like – a military battle that took place in Gettysburg, PA. Surely you're familiar with it – Abraham Lincoln, Slavery, the Gettysburg Address… you know what we're talking about, right? Well in that battle probably millions of bullets flew.

Despite the massive quantities of metal whizzing all around, only one civilian died in the mess – Jennie Wade. She was making bread for some union troops when she was struck down. The house where she died is considered 'officially haunted,' by some groups allowed to dish out titles like that.

A great irony may be found in the fact that the Jennie Wade house never actually belonged to Jennie Wade. It belonged to her sister, and Wade fled there for safety during an epic battle. Apparently it wasn't safe enough. Wikipedia says:

"More than 150 bullets hit her sister's home before, around 8:30 a.m. on July 3, a Minié ball, traveling through the door, hit her in the back while she was kneading bread for Union soldiers. She groaned and was killed instantly."

Don't be tricked into believing it's Jennie's ghost that haunts her namesake – it's her father's spirit. This is far worse when you consider he was crazy enough to be interred in an mental asylum at least once during his life.

Jennie's body was kept in the basement until the battle was over and a burial site could be found. As we understand it, a mock-body now takes its place in the cellar. It's a mannequin or something. We're not exactly sure as we haven't seen it – but current Wade house management was sure to explain it all to us.

The insane ghost of Mr. Wade seems unable to tell the difference between his daughter's actual body and the fake one that now lays in its place to add to the creepy factor. As such, he feels it his duty to protect his daughter. Again, according to management, this includes actually swinging a chain on at least one house visitor that got too close.

Before you consider the outrageous claims to be nothing more than ticket sales enhancement – consider this quote from the Spirit Society of Pennsylvania. They investigated not too long ago:

"At the end of the self-guided tour through the house, we entered the basement, where a mannequin rests in the spot where Jennie's body lie, awaiting burial when the firing stopped.  Though [a fellow investigator named Kelly] "felt" nothing elsewhere in the house, [she] immediately noted a "crazy" male presence here.  We both noticed some curious cold spots, and after a few moments, decided to move on.  

"As I followed Kelly up the steps, something made me look back, and to my amazement, the long chain protecting the "death mannequin display" was swaying vigorously!  Uttering "Holy Shit" got Kelly's attention in time for her to also see this.  As it subsided, I wondered if somehow ascending the stairs had caused the movement, and tried in vain for several minutes to replicate it by stomping up and down the stairs. We also noted how, despite hearing several tractor trailers and busses rumble by on nearby Baltimore Street, the chain remained stationary."

Spooky, right? Well if you ever make it to the Jennie Wade house, make sure to stop by the gift shop and ask to see their photo album. Although there's currently no actual pictures of Crazy Wade's ghost, they have pictures of hundreds of orbs simultaneously floating in battlefields, and some pics of ghosts in human-like forms taken by staff, or by people on their haunted tours.

It really is something to see.

Read More:

Jennie Wade – Unsolved Mysteries.Com

What's that? A reporter has been arrested near Angelina Jolie's house? Then the prophesies are true – Angelina Jolie is going to be a mother again!

Either that or she and Brad Pitt just enjoy trying to lock up anyone who tries to get too close to them for free. But, screw it, let's just go with the pregnancy thing.

It's been a few days since we first reported that Angelina Jolie is pregnant with twins, but there's been nothing like an official confirmation from either Angelina or Brad Pitt about it yet. This could be, reports suggest, because Angelina Jolie is planning to roll out the old 'address the state of my gut to the highest bidder' ruse that she's so fond of. But Angelina Jolie had better hurry up, because the tell-tale signs are already there.

For example, did you see what Angelina Jolie wore to the Screen Actors Guild awards at the weekend? It looked like she'd travelled back in time 35 years, ripped the first pair of manky curtains she could find off their rails and fashioned it around her like some sort of bad-patterned, poo-coloured full-body sarong. But maybe that was just a strange wardrobe choice and nothing more – is says nothing about how pregnant Angelina Jolie really is.

Then there was the fact that Angelina Jolie only sipped water during the awards, when we all know that the proper awards show etiquette involves getting shitfaced and screaming insults at pretentious directors. But, once again, that's hardly an official confirmation.

No – what we really need is something concrete. Something like a reporter getting arrested for getting too close to Angelina's house. Only then can we know that Angelina Jolie is truly pregnant with twins.

Wait a minute? What's this that The Press Association is reporting? It can't be… it is: 

A 25-year-old man has been arrested at the Los Angeles home of Brad Pitt. A housekeeper called police after she saw a silver car blocking the actor's driveway. She told police the man, who described himself as a freelance reporter, got out of the car and asked "Which one is Brad Pitt's house?" Neither Pitt nor Angelina Jolie was home at the time. The man, identified as Eric Ray Mitchell, was taken into custody on a "private person's arrest" and it will be up to the housekeeper to decide whether or not to press charges, according to police.

Then it's true! We all know how paranoid Angelina Jolie gets when she's with child – whether she's getting photographers thrown in jail for getting too near her in Africa, or getting them arrested for hiding in illegal bushes near her childrens' school or calling the secret service because someone's pinched her brother's camera.

And now this. It definitely means that Angelina Jolie is absolutely 100% pregnant. Completely pregnant. With twins. Because, to reiterate, Angelina Jolie is only mean to members of the press when she's got a bun in the oven.

Or when she's painted her face black and pretending to be pregnant and the press are just begging to be choked by a burly security guard. So we'll need to know exactly how racially offensive Angelina Jolie's make-up was at the time of the arrest before we leap to any conclusions.

Read more:

'Reporter' arrested at Pitt's home – The Press Association 

That's because Flea, the man responsible for all of the Red Hot Chili Peppers' interminable bass solos, is the highest-profile victim of the wildfires that swept through Malibu this weekend. According to Flea himself, his $4.8 million Malibu mansion has been "burnt to a crisp." It's a tragic situation for Flea to be in, because not only was he forced to witness the total destruction of his house, but he's now also been forced into emergency accommodation in the form of the other $10 million mansion he also owns in Malibu. We sense the next Red Hot Chili Peppers album might be quite heavy on the bass-led ballads about how crap it is to only have one multi-million dollar Malibu mansion instead of two, you know.

As we speak the Red Hot Chili Peppers are busy suing Showtime because they have an album called Californication and Showtime has a show called Californication. Nobody knows which way the lawsuit will go yet, but we're assuming that Mother Nature wants Showtime to win, because she's just burnt down Flea from the Red Hot Chili Peppers' house down. Personally if we were Mother Nature we'd have also set fire to David Duchovny's house as well, partly out of a sense of fairness and partly because we'd want to scare him into never making any more episodes of that rubbish TV show ever again, but we just don't have that power.

So it's just Flea who got hit by the latest wildfires to hit California this weekend, causing 15,000 people to evacuate their properties and thought to be started by either arson or a fallen power line. One of Flea's two Malibu mansions has been completely gutted by the fire – the one that was apparently on sale for $4.8 million, and was described by estate agents Pritchett-Rapf & Associates as being:

"Set in a botanical paradise, this private 2.4 acre compound also features a newly refinished pool and spa, private alcoves and pathways throughout the grounds."

Something tells us that Flea probably won't get the asking price for the mansion any more, unless millionaires exist who are equally enthusiastic about hopelessly generic middle of the road self-indulgent old man white boy funk-rock and smouldering piles of ash, which we can't really see happening. Nobody likes white boy funk-rock that much, surely.

But let's not mock Flea too much, because losing your house in a wildfire must be an indescribably traumatic thing to go through for anyone, and that includes slightly annoying members of bands we don't like all that much.

So instead, let's treat Flea's misfortune as a lesson here – what with all the violent displays of uncontrollable fire and the possibility of either being smacked in the face with Britney Spears' vagina or being ethnically insulted by Mel Gibson, we're going to strike Malibu off our list of holiday destinations for next year. That just leaves Kabul, which is probably better because we're really worried about the vagina thing happening.

Read more:

Flea, Red Hot Chili Peppers bassist, Loses Home In Malibu Fire – Los Angeles Times