Twilight Fans Frighten Robert Pattinson So Much That He Can’t Even Sign A Mortgage

Come on now. You Twilight fans are insane. Don’t try fighting it because it’s a plain as Robert Pattinson’s incredibly plain face. And for some reason, you hound Rob to the point where he’s almost interesting. Almost.

So mental are Twilighteers that, the incredibly wealthy Pattinson is feeling all sad. Well, we think it is sadness he’s trying to show on his face. We can’t really tell. He looks exactly the same when he says he’s displaying happiness.

Basically, R-Patz has had to find solace in the arms of hoteliers, much like Alan Partridge or the sad colonels who never leave the Love Boat. So scared is he that he can probably be found trembling next to the cheese slices of a hotel continental breakfast, dreaming of one day having his own house.

You see, dull ol’ Pattinson has spoken about how he refuses to buy a house because he is petrified that you mental Twilight fans will try to break in and do weird stuff to him.

You’d probably end up biting him like a vampire and blurring the line between life and fiction so much that he’ll end up being murdered by a rampaging, shrieking pack of you lunatics, tearing him literally limb from limb in a bid to show him that you can love him like the undead.

He told a paper that steals our stories:

‘I’m afraid of buying a house or anything ? the best way to deal with it is just to move around all the time.’

And it isn’t just you fans who are making Pattinson almost show a sign of crying. The haters make him miserable as well.

‘I’ll be walking down the street and people will be like, ‘f*** you”

‘And I get a lot of people wanting to beat me up. Men in bars and stuff. Then I just leave.’

Next week: Robert Pattinson talks about wanting to self-harm, but continually fails to because his arms are so amazingly boring, he falls asleep before he can get the knife to them.

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  1. CatWhisperer says

    The poor baby! He can come down here & live with me. I’ll protect him with my life! He can be my hatrack, or anything else he wants to be.
    And who the hell would be walking down the street and see him & just tell him to f*ck off?? Who, I say! And for the men in bars, well they are just incredibley jealous like all men are of him, I’m sure. Right?

  2. Cookie Monster says

    Wrong. I know that even though I’m not in a bar. It’s a universal truth.

    I do encourage you to continue to pursue this “hatrack” angle. I think that there is promise there. K-wart can be your bathtub sponge. Rumor has it that she is much endeared with the exfoliation and whatnot. Just don’t place them close to the door on Hallowe’en, the combined melancholy will scare even the most hardened young brat.

  3. Catwhisperer says

    Pffft! Jealosy rears its ugly head again…
    How do you spell hat-rack? And do please explain the bath sponge explanation. You lost me there. Still laughed tho!

  4. Cookie Monster says

    I used the Google to find words, and strung them together in a somewhat random fashion, as I believe was your method for creating your original comment.

    To explain the sponge explanation involves a level of indirection that, I find, eludes me. To explain directly, I found it funny (funny, funny; not funny haha) that of all of the ways that you could have described offering sanctuary to R-pantz, you chose to offer him the position of hat rack. Following your lead, then, K-wart as an exfoliating sponge is quite fitting.

    Come to think of it, trading their frighteningly boring and depressed current selves for eternity as a hat rack and sponge would probably be tempting for Pantz-Wart. Are you the ghost of Douglas Adams?

  5. Catwhisperer says

    Ohhhhh, you know its funny, I just looked at Kwart and thought it said Kmart so thus all the confusion over calling Kmart a “her”. I’m at work & trying to hide the fact that I am here rather than doing actual work!
    And for the hat rack, its just a term used here to describe R pantz’s hotness. Or his lack of mobility or something. I have no feelings on Kwart one way or another. Poor thing that she is!
    Are you going to make me google Douglas Adams??