Come on now. You Twilight fans are insane. Don’t try fighting it because it’s a plain as Robert Pattinson’s incredibly plain face. And for some reason, you hound Rob to the point where he’s almost interesting. Almost.
So mental are Twilighteers that, the incredibly wealthy Pattinson is feeling all sad. Well, we think it is sadness he’s trying to show on his face. We can’t really tell. He looks exactly the same when he says he’s displaying happiness.
Basically, R-Patz has had to find solace in the arms of hoteliers, much like Alan Partridge or the sad colonels who never leave the Love Boat. So scared is he that he can probably be found trembling next to the cheese slices of a hotel continental breakfast, dreaming of one day having his own house.
You see, dull ol’ Pattinson has spoken about how he refuses to buy a house because he is petrified that you mental Twilight fans will try to break in and do weird stuff to him.
You’d probably end up biting him like a vampire and blurring the line between life and fiction so much that he’ll end up being murdered by a rampaging, shrieking pack of you lunatics, tearing him literally limb from limb in a bid to show him that you can love him like the undead.
He told a paper that steals our stories:
‘I’m afraid of buying a house or anything – the best way to deal with it is just to move around all the time.’
And it isn’t just you fans who are making Pattinson almost show a sign of crying. The haters make him miserable as well.
‘I’ll be walking down the street and people will be like, ‘f*** you”
‘And I get a lot of people wanting to beat me up. Men in bars and stuff. Then I just leave.’
Next week: Robert Pattinson talks about wanting to self-harm, but continually fails to because his arms are so amazingly boring, he falls asleep before he can get the knife to them.