Celebrity Stalking  is an art – one few have perfected.

We did though – don’t believe us? Then how do you explain us living in Dom DeLuise’s pantry for almost a month. Our trick was to dress as something that wasn’t food. It doesn’t really matter what – that’s the only stuff that used to make it back there. Around week three we found ourselves having surprisingly deep discussions with a broom. Go ahead – mock.

That broom was the truest of friends.

We’re an excellent stalker. The lady recently caught peeping through Britney Spears windows, on the other hand, is a sucky one.

When Paula Abdul’s stalker showed up dead in a trash can covered in nuts, gummi bears, and the entrails of what most thought was an otter (we’re fuzzy on the details), everyone was like ‘Wha….?!”

When Jamie Foxx’s stalker tried to get into the actor’s hotel room only to rub bums and exchange stomach hickeys (We’re fuzzy on the details again), the world said “Wha….?!” again, except louder. Figuratively louder, not actually louder. Because a hotel trespasser can’t really be more shocking that a dead girl covered in otter parts, right?

Britney’s stalker tops it though – she actually hollowed out the rear-half of a goat to make pants she could wear while trotting onto Spears’ property and whimsically playing a pan flute. This might sound odd at first – until you understand that for almost 15 minutes Wikipedia page recently said she was really in to Zamfir and mystical half-goat people from either Greek or Norse mythology.

The truth isn’t that interesting, actually. According to E! Online:

“A camouflage-clad woman was arrested for trespassing Thursday morning after allegedly sneaking into Britney Spears’ gated community and peeking through the windows of the singer’s Calabasas, Calif., home, E! News has confirmed. According to the Malibu/Lost Hills Station, an L.A. County Sheriff’s deputy arrested 26-year-old Miranda Tozier-Robbins on suspicion of trespassing and disorderly conduct after security guards spied her peeping into Spears’ abode.”

Tozier-Robbins really is a piss poor stalker though. Think about it – if the star’s not even home than you have absolutely no chance of said star seeing you from a distance and knowing concretely once and for all that you are the very person they want to spend their life with. Isn’t that the whole point of stalking anyway?

In a stalker’s perfect world that might be the case. In the real world, however, your more likely to be placed inside a huge microwave by a sleep-walking Dom DeLuise who won’t wake up even though you pound on the stupid door every time you spin past it.

That’s reality folks. That’s the stalking reality.

Britney Spears is moving house. That’s roughly it. She lived somewhere, soon she’ll be living somewhere else and that’s it. On a Twitter post, Britney Spears claimed that she’d shown her kids around the new house and they apparently love it. This is the bad news.

The good news is that Britney Spears decided to sell her old home at the height of this economic crisis. We assume that means Britney Spears is still slightly mental. Win.

Traditionally Britney Spears likes to make a dent in the year as early as she can – last January she ended up being sectioned and the January before she ended up collapsing in a nightclub – but 2009 seems to starting with a bit of a damp squib as far as Britney Spears is concerned.

Where once there were stories of froth-mouthed tantrums and confusing baldness, now there are only stories about property investment. What’s more, they’re stories about property investment told in less than 140 characters, because Britney Spears has been talking about her new home on Twitter. OK! reports:

The luxury pad, reportedly worth £4million, is said to have a marble and glass mosaic pool, a cinema and a rose garden. And it’s a hit with sons Jayden James, 2, and Sean Preston, 3. ‘I just took my babies to our new home, and they loved it!,’ Britney writes on blogging site Twitter. ‘I can’t wait to move in.’

Interestingly, it’s thought that Britney Spears is only renting her new home while she builds a purpose-built mansion elsewhere. That’s actually not a bad idea, because a home that’s been specially designed would be able to house everything that Britney Spears needs – like a pool, a large playroom for her children, a dance studio, maybe some recording facilities, a padded room with a tethered bed in it in case Britney has another incident, a big cage for her father to keep her in all the time she isn’t touring or recording an album. That sort of thing.

But anyway, as enthralling as it is to hear about how Britney Spears is moving house, the important thing is that she’s now directly communicating with her fans via Twitter rather than, say, flapping her vagina around at them or relentlessly bullshitting on her website.

So let’s hope Britney Spears keeps this up – next thing you know she’ll be telling us about her curtains or the type of mustard she prefers the most. That’s as good as rubbing dogmuck on her dress and locking her own children in a bathroom, isn’t it? We literally can’t wait.

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The British actress’ public image took another body blow following her much-criticised affair with married boyfriend Balthazar Getty after vandals wrote the insult on the outer wall of her North London home.

So who would do such a terrible thing? Well, of course, there is the legal wife or several children of the guy she is currently bonking senseless.

Then there is her jilted ex-lover Rhys Ifans. But Hecklerspray would like to make it very clear that we don’t think it is any of these people. Pointing the finger would be just wrong.

Plus the fact that Sienna Miller is so unpopular at the moment the list of possible culprits is too long to narrow down.

Sienna Miller should have just stuck with P Diddy. They were so happy together. He’d treat her like a lady, and she’d giggle at all his fall-flat jokes. Also, he’d send his stooges to bang on the car doors of anyone taking pictures of their secret meetings.

Then again, perhaps Miller should have stuck to Sean Penn. They’d be oh-so happy too – and his wife maybe didn’t care quite as much.

‘As much as who,’ you may be wondering. As much as the wife of Balthazar Getty – the guy she got photographed canoodling with while her nipples and breasts apparently substituted as stress-balls for Getty’s super-tense fingers and palms.

You remember that, right? Of course you do. Everyone else seems to as well. That’s why the Sun says:

“An exterior wall of Sienna’s home in North London was daubed, in capitals, with the word ‘SLUT’. The black, spray-painted graffiti also included an unsettling circular symbol – which looks like an attempt to recreate the sign for Satan. The actress has attracted controversy for her relationship with married man Balthazar Getty.”

A satanic symbol written in black? Then it wasn’t Mrs. Getty – she hates devil stuff. It was Britney Spears – that’s her bag, right?

Not anymore, actually.

Still, it’ll be interesting to see if any slaughtered goats show up on Miller’s doorstep over the next few weeks. If that’s the case, we only hope the animals get slaughtered humanely.

You know, like under the supervision of a licensed veterinarian or something.

You see, Britney Spears has recently been told that her children are now allowed to spend overnight visits with her, an important step towards regaining custody. But Britney doesn't want to keep her kids in squashed-together, paparazzi-filled Beverly Hills any more – she wants them to live somewhere safer, somewhere cleaner, somewhere with a huge garden that the children can play in.

That's right, Britney Spears is preparing to move house, which means that Britney's current abode could soon be up for sale. We hear it's the perfect place for anyone who likes their houses huge, reeking of cigarette smoke and full of fun character features like puddles of tears and disturbing fingernail scratches gouged into every available surface.

When you get older, it's only natural that your priorities change. Everyone has, or will have, a point in their life when they'll think "Maybe life isn't completely about my career. Maybe it's time that I tried to win back custody of those kids I haven't seen much of since I went berserk and wound up in a mental hospital." It'll happen, promise.

And that seems to be Britney Spears' new mindset. Now that she's primarily a recovering psychiatric patient with a sideline in disappointing sitcom cameos, Britney's life is no longer about puking on boys and erroneously claiming to be the devil. It's about those closest to her, or at least those who would be closest to her if she hadn't been deemed legally unfit to care for them. Her kids, basically.

Britney Spears is definitely making moves in the right direction when it comes to her children. Just recently she was granted overnight visitation rights again, and now she's thinking about finding them a much more child-friendly environment to live in.

More child-friendly than her current paparazzi-invaded, prescription medication-strewn home? Does such a place even exist? BBC News reports:

Britney Spears is looking for a new home with extra outdoor space for her children to play in and more privacy, court records have revealed. Documents show the 26-year-old wants a property closer to parks for Sean Preston, two, and Jayden James, one. The star has stipulated she wants a "less trafficked" home than her current Beverly Hills house, which is constantly stalked by paparazzi.

It makes perfect sense for Britney Spears to live somewhere that's child-friendly, of course – even when the children aren't staying with her, Britney would probably prefer to live in a house where she's less likely to bang her head on a sharp cupboard door or flush both her feet down the toilet or anything like that.

However, finding the perfect child-friendly house might be quite a hard task for Britney Spears, as her demands are fairly steep. There aren't too many houses that have pillowy kitchen floors that won't fracture a baby's skull when you drop them on their head. For example.

Was it a British news source that broke the deal? No, sir, of course not – how dare you ask? – it was a foreign one. And which foreigners do we blame? That’s right: Australia; Those bloody foreigners. It was apparently leaked there in January, fortunately though, what with it being in Australia, nobody noticed, and it wasn’t until influential US website The Drudge Report got hold of the story that Harry was asked home. So we’ve been let down by two countries that we basically created.

But still, Harry’s home – Yay!

After the leak, magnificently named Chief of the Defence Staff Air Chief Marshal Sir Jock Stirrup, got together with the comparatively rubbish-named head of the Army Sir Richard Dannatt, and they took the decision to withdraw Prince Harry immediately. The statement said:

"This decision has been taken primarily on the basis that the worldwide media coverage of Prince Harry in Afghanistan could impact on the security of those who are deployed there, as well as the risks to him as an individual soldier."

So Prince Harry has been sent home from war because he might get killed. Just another one of the perks of being a Royal we suppose. It’s OK though, we understand, he is better than us, of that there’s no doubt. We’re all happy to restrict our own freedom so his can blossom, aren’t we? Yeah, we are. God forbid an upper class kid might die! God save the Queen. No, there’s more to it than that, we’re sure.

In exchange for not reporting Harry’s deployment, some media organisations were granted access to interview the prince in Afghanistan. The biggest shame about all this is that hecklerspray had an interview with him scheduled for half eight tomorrow morning. Now what do we do? We can’t find the tourist information anywhere, can’t find a taxi for toffee and it’s bloody hot. The heroin’s cheap as chips though. There’s a vehicle for David Dickinson if we ever saw one. What’s he up to these days?

We don’t care. What we do care about it that Prince Harry is coming home (!!!) and, according to The Sun, the young lieutenant killed up to 30 of the enemy on his frontline tour by directing at least three air strikes. And they didn’t kill him once! Harry 30, Taliban nil.

We here, the good servants of Britain that we are, would like to offer some tactical advice to the MoD in regards to winning the War on Terror. Listen up, MoD! Stop looking to Army Chief Sir Dick King Stirrups for help, and listen to what hecklerspray has to say – the UK’s best resource for celebrity news with a cruel/witty twist:

We'd hire ginger people as cannon fodder.

It is a well known fact that all ginger men look like Prince Harry; we could use them as suicide-decoys. We dress them up like Harry, tell them to speak a tad posh like Harry, and teach them that, if anyone asks, they are to pretend that Prince Charles is their father like Harry.

We then wave them off into no-mans-land – for Queen and Country, no less – where upon all the ugly, dirty, evil, smelly people of the Taliban focus their thoughts on becoming ‘the man who killed Harry’, plus all the column inches and afterlife-virgins that that’ll come with, whilst our boys – the beautiful, pure, moral, scent of lavender soldiers – take their time to pluck away the life of many an unsuspecting enemy.

There will be an impressive amount of ginger men who will be more than willing to sign up for suicide-decoy duty and take one for the team, but there will also no doubt be some dissenters. Fear not, for all you need do is open up a shop with adverts on the window for ‘Factor 75 Suncream – 50% Off! Hurry whilst stocks last!!!’ and have a team of recruiters waiting inside with large nets. One problem with this is a few non-gingers may be fooled by the sale, perhaps resourceful, global-warming fearing folk, who want to get their stocks now, because in ten years the demand for factor 75 will push prices through the roof and they’ll make a good profit. Set these people free from the ginger net men.

You will no doubt ignore us, MoD, just like Britney does. But look what’s happened to her. How would you like it if you woke up one morning and your kids were gone, all because you didn’t really understand the full extent of what you were getting yourself into, huh, MoD? She thought she was just being pop's princess, being pretty and singing to other pretty girls in pureland. But then the powers at be manipulated and abused her for their own selfish gain. Now she can’t sing pretty anymore, or even look it. She’s seen too much horror. She’s still breathing, but a part of her is dead forever.

Heed – take it.

Read more: 

Harry withdrawn from Afghanistan – BBC

The family home of The Carpenters is going to be demolished because the current owner is sick of weird Carpenters fans hanging around all the time, and the fight is on to save the important memorial that one quite dull band used to live in for a while until one of them died.

Will the campaign to save The Carpenters house from demolition be successful? More importantly, can you really bring yourself to be even slightly bothered about whether a sodding house gets knocked down or not?

Some terrible things happen to the houses of dead celebrities. Take Graceland, for example – Elvis fans have literally started to go there to die now, while Johnny Cash's house suffered the biggest indignity of all in 2006 when a Bee Gee bought it. Perhaps it'd be better if all these houses were just demolished.

That seems to be the case at the moment with the old Carpenters house in Downey, south of Los Angeles. Although the house holds special significance for fans of The Carpenters because if featured on the cover of one of their albums and the band recorded there and it's where Karen Carpenter collapsed before she died, the current owner wants to knock it down anyway.

The reason? She's fed up with creepy Carpenters fans coming along and staring through the windows like a bunch of easy listening sods and leaving flowers everywhere. BBC News reports:

Fans of The Carpenters are objecting to plans to have pop duo's former family home knocked down… Jon Konjoyan, fan of the act who had huge success in the 1970s, said: "This house is our version of Graceland." The five-bedroom house was immortalised when it featured on the cover of The Carpenters' 1973 hit album Now & Then. Jessica Parra, whose parents own the house, said at first they allowed fans into their home and gave away items left behind by Richard Carpenter. "But honestly, it became horrible, not only for us but for the neighbourhood," she said, adding that fans "peek in windows and take pictures".

Sort of makes you wonder what they thought they'd be getting into buying a house where a woman who sold 100 million albums died. If they didn't want all this intrusion, perhaps it'd have been wiser to a house belonging to someone who fewer people cared about, like Dane Bowers or Shane Richie or something.

But regardless of that, it'll be interesting to see whether the Carpenters fans will be able to halt the demolishment of their heroes' home. Perhaps if enough of them gang together they'll be able to buy the house and turn it into a theme park-style shine to The Carpenters, that lets fans pay to lie down in the exact spot where Karen Carpenter collapsed, or ride a nauseatingly psychedelic ghost train that helps visitors understand what it was like to be Richard Carpenter when he was off his face of Qualuudes. And, of course, the Karen Carpenter Experience, which mainly involves not eating very much for a while.

Chances are that none of this will happen though because, as Carpenters fans, the protesters are among the puniest and most ineffectual saps ever to walk the earth.

Read more:

Carpenter house faces demolition - BBC 

That's the only way we can explain why a series of Biblical plague-style accidents keep wrecking their homes, anyway. Just weeks after Flea from the Red Hot Chili Peppers' house burnt down in the Malibu wildfires, Eddie Van Halen's house has got all muddy because a water main freakishly broke near his house yesterday. Actually it's a little more serious than we're making out – thousands of gallons of water uprooted trees in Eddie Van Halen's garden, filled over his swimming pool and narrowly avoided causing permanent damage to his house.

Memo to God: when you get round to unleashing your plague of unhealable boils, might we suggest Bon Jovi as a target. Again, that's Bon Jovi.

These days, Eddie Van Halen never does anything more strenuous than seeing how girly he can let his hair get before anyone confronts him about it or choosing theoretical new Van Halen line-ups by throwing darts into a phonebook blindfolded. So with this in mind, Eddie van Halen has had a hell of a year.

First Van Halen were going into the Rock And Roll Hall OF Fame, then hardly any of the band turned up because Eddie went to rehab, then they managed to split up before they even reformed, and then they decided to reform anyway. And the last thing anyone wants after a year like that is an unusual amount of mud in their back garden.

But that's what Eddie Van Halen has to deal with today, after a water main burst near his home in LA yesterday and sent thousands of gallons of mud and debris crashing down Coldwater Canyon and into his garden, not affecting anyone else's property. Although neither Eddie Van Halen or his girlfriend were at home when the mud-attack hit, Van Halen's girlfriend Janie Liszewski – who also moonlights as his publicist – had this to say:

"It could have been a lot worse. The pool is buried in mud, the driveway gate is down and some major landscaping is going to be needed to restore the yard to its former self."

It's also been reported that the only thing which saved Eddie Van Halen's house from the accident was the quick-thinking firefighters who threw down sandbags to protect it. But coming so soon after Flea's house burnt down in a freak Malibu wildfire, how are these under-fire celebrities going to protect themselves from the cruel hand of Mother Nature?

We think we have an answer, and that answer is a man-for-man population swap with Basildon. It's so obviously – Basildon has everything that the modern millionaire celebrity needs, from plans to build one of Europe's largest wetland nature reserves to a shopping centre with a Claire's Accessories and a Bon Marche. Plus the current population of Basildon would get to go to LA and have their houses burnt down by a succession of natural disasters. We wouldn't be against that, to be honest.

Read more:

Eddie Van Halen's Yard Flooded - Associated Press